Not Saved Alone

The Garden before the Fall

2009-06-09T22:40:00.002-04:00

The bulk reposted from LJ for convenience:

So if you're a friend of mine on various social networking sites, you probably noticed something unexpected over the last 24 hours:

i can has hot phD stoodent boyfriend

Meet Rick. You may actually already know Rick, as he's the man behind Reaver and has visited several of the local DC clubs over the last few months. In 'real life', he's working at one of the academic campuses at NASA Langley, and is finishing up his phD in Atmospheric Geophysics from Tech. I met Rick in the fall of last year, and since then he's been a great coworker, friend, and supporter over the last several months. I've always been impressed with his intellect, his sense of humor, but most importantly - his sense of honor and integrity.

In any case, Rick and I started seeing each other within the last two weeks. It's kind of funny - when JSun and I finally broke up, I had been long since resolved that that was it. Who is still single at 26? In a way I was looking forward to it - the extra time to just devote to my business, etc. But as fate would have it, I ended up with a potential job and a great place to live in Tidewater. After making that decision, things with Rick evolved from there. (Just in case anyone was speculating that I either broke up with JSun and/or decided to move down there because of this...not the case.)

I understand that from the outside, it can look rather foolish to jump into something else so soon. But from my point of things - life is short. What's the use in waiting when God so seemingly puts such a great opportunity right in front of you?

So that's the deal. Words can't describe how hopeful and content I feel these days.

++++++++++

Hopefully if you're reading this you've also been keeping up on LJ and are in the know about me and JSun's break up. If not, go ahead and take a look. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Ok, now that that's taken care of, here's a bit more about the situation that I didn't want to go into on my public blog:

I felt the need to post about this now (instead of waiting until I finished moving) because I'm getting the idea that people are assuming that I both left JSun and am moving because of Rick, but that couldn't be less true. I had no idea of Rick's interest in me until early June, and only after I had left JSun and decided to move down to Virginia Beach. I shouldn't have to justify myself; if you truly know me, you know that I'm a woman of integrity and would NEVER violate a relationship.

My one weakness which I'll admit is that I did notice myself attracted to Rick a month or so earlier. But that in itself wasn't a motivation for ending my relationship with JSun; it was simply one of the many warning signs that something was wrong with my current status.

I was also touched that, in the same way, Rick never chose to tell me how he felt while I was still will JSun. It shows a depth of honor to this man...something that I've sorely needed lately.

As for jumping back into a relationship so soon...as one of my good friends pointed out via email earlier today...the truth is, I've been emotionally disconnected for months. So in spite of JSun's claims of being "disposable", it really isn't such a revolving door in this case. I was mentally done with that relationship in September. I've had plenty of time to move on. And like I said above...who am I to turn away what could potentially be one of the best things to ever happen to me?

Under Rug Swept

2009-05-21T12:00:00.002-04:00

Though admittedly I don't have all of the information about the current situation, currently, all signs point to "got dumped again [professionally]".

As most of you know, I had a falling out a few months ago with a former band member / industry contact who also happened to be someone I considered to be a close friend. It's the blessing and the curse of my job; I get to be close and develop real friendships with most of the people I work with - but then when things fall apart, I've not only lost a 'coworker', but a close friend.

It seems that again, someone who I both admire as a musician and care about personally has silently made the decision to move away from me and the company. I'm surprised and sad; I only found out because the company who is getting this band posted about it. The band never informed me.

I just don't understand what is so hard about saying either, "Hey, you fucked _________ blank up, so I don't want to work with you anymore," or "Hey, ________ offered me a better deal, I'm leaving." I can respect and understand either one. In fact, both of them help me to become a better business. Keeping your opinions and dissatisfaction to yourself helps no one.

I don't mean this in a bitter way at all. I just wish I knew what was going on before things were too late.

Insomnia

2009-03-19T04:51:00.002-04:00

So more and more often insomnia is striking these days. I was feeling a bit sick last night and this morning so I called out of work and slept in. Now...it's almost 5am. You know you've been awake too long when your boyfriend is getting up before you've even gone to bed. *sigh*

I guess I have a lot on my mind these days. Success is a conflict of opinion. I'm really happy with a majority of my life right now. The label is doing better than my modest expectations. Over the last two months, I've gotten an international distribution, sent several of my bands off on national tours, released half a dozen new albums, started working with a major scene retailer, and well, kept the business afloat and thriving in general. 'Real life' speaking, considering the economy, freelancing is still working out surprisingly well. I like my job, I like my coworkers, and have relatively little to complain about.

But, considering the economy, it may not be enough for much longer.

As I'm preparing to get my taxes done, I've been looking at the bottom line this month, and it's not good. I made enough to cover my expenses...barely. But if it wasn't for both JSun being willing to pay more than his share for rent as well as other friends and colleagues being lenient on payments, I'd really be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

The problem is, I don't see the situation improving on it's own. It's not like there's a promotion around the corner or that anyone is gonna start handing out raises anytime soon. I'm in a job I love where I've unfortunately already hit the ceiling. So now I'm faced with a hard choice: do I suck it up and take a different job - one that pays well but leaves me unhappy - or, do I pack up and move to some place where I can make the same amount of money doing what I like but where the cost of living is significantly lower?

The obvious consideration is my personal life. At the end of May, me and JSun will have been together for two years. Ever since he kicked the drinking and smoking for good six months ago, things have drastically improved. I love him, and I love being with him.

You know, when I was growing up, I always thought I was the kind of person who wanted to get into a committed relationship early on, and get married and live happily ever after. But now that I'm older, I'm finding more comfort in what we have now. Again, things are good between us, but the fact is - I don't know how I can decide now, at 26, if what I want now will be what I want when I'm 60. I still do firmly believe in marriage - so much so that when I do get married, it will be for the rest of my life. So the idea of making a commitment - to anyone - now is just a bit overwhelming.

Me and JSun talked about a lot of this the other night, and our options. JSun seems to be pretty set in staying in DC now, even though we had kicked around ideas earlier about relocating. His reasons are valid, but that means the next decision is on me: in order to stay in the area, I'm going to HAVE to get a higher paying job within the year. So, it's back to the original question: do I settle in my career for the sake of the relationship, or do I sacrifice the relationship in order to pursue my own dreams?

Why does everything have to be so black and white? Can't I just have it all?

No Fire That I Can Spark

2009-02-17T18:44:00.001-05:00

How do you trust again?

[like cassandra, I lose the fight]

2009-02-10T00:23:00.002-05:00

So who is the better man? The one who is tempted and says no, or the one whose morals were so high to never be tempted in the first place?

----------

I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Some things cannot be bought
I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy
Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No Ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one-night stand, no far-off land
No fire that I can spark

Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

- Madonna, "Drowned World"

[V III]

2009-01-21T21:36:00.002-05:00

I keep meaning to come back here to write more often, but it doesn't seem to happen much...until I feel like a change is coming.

There's some good change, and some hard change. I'm not sure any of it is bad change - I'll be more relieved in the end. There's a certain amount of freedom when you're the one to say "Enough." rather than it being someone else who calls it quits.

I've got a lot to plan for this time around.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm disgusting. I'm tired of feeling like I don't mean anything. I'm tired of feeling apathetic. I'm tired of feeling stifled.

Time to fly...

[loser]

2008-06-27T08:24:00.003-04:00

I just have to rant about this.

Most of you know that JSun really has only two major flaws: alcohol and tobacco. Things go ok for awhile, and then everything falls apart again.

Last night there was a pretty big DJ in town - one of his favorite performers in fact - and since it was the last day before payday, he was short on cash. So I loaned him $20 to go to the show (since I was headed to another party). Well, my party lets out early, so I head over to the club too, and as the night progresses I notice that he's been drinking more than what we've agreed on (3 drinks per night, no matter what). He asks me if it's ok to have a smoke, which is when I remind him that he's broken his word yet again. He gets pissy and goes outside and smokes anyway, and lamely attempts to cover it up with some gum. Like I won't notice or something.

He then proceeds to spend most of the evening watching his ex dance, and when it's time to go, his debit card is rejected by the bar. Because, he likes to take the chance and start a bar tab late Thursday nights, betting on the fact that he's supposed to get paid right at midnight on Friday morning. This is the SECOND time it's happened. So on top of everything else, I have to put his $40 bar tab on my car for him to be able to leave.

He wonders why no one respects him. Why am I dating such a fucking loser?

[the return]

2008-05-22T15:30:00.001-04:00

It's funny, but every now and then someone mentions that they've been checking here and I STILL haven't updated. (*waves at Chris, Heather, Colleen, etc.*) I actually moved over to LiveJournal awhile back, getting pulled by the fact that a lot of my industry buds and my boyfriend all are over there. But, I kinda feel like that was the wrong decision for me. Blogger is where I started...this is where I'm grounded. So I'm gonna import my personal posts from LJ over here from the last year over the next few weeks, and resume posting here. It's just...what's good for me. I need to reclaim some of the good things that used to be part of my life.

Why am I deciding this now? Well, today is me and JSun's 1 year anniversary (if you go by the fact that our first date was Goth Prom, and tonight is Goth Prom), and I've kinda been looking at the things in my life that have changed because of us dating. A lot of good has come out of it, but there have been small things (like this blog) that got morphed over the last year, so I'm trying to bring some little things that are individually MINE and bring them back.

It's the same thing as our apartment...really, it's all his, but as long as I have that little 4x6' corner of the dining room for my computer, I still have what makes me, me. :-)

[waking up, part ii]

2007-12-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

My friends know that they can call me at anytime, any day, whenever they need me.

Why is it so hard to find someone to just listen?

Nothing bad specifically has happened...just a lot of little things that are building up. Constantly being pulled in a different direction...being told you're not working fast enough, not getting enough done...I know deep down that I work the best way I can, I balance projects in a fair way, etc., but it's hard to communicate that to someone else when they think their need should trump everything else.

I just want someone to tell me that I've done something right for once...but if I wait for someone else, I'll be waiting forever.

[what's the use in waking?]

[bent for you]

2007-11-17T01:31:00.000-05:00

You're unsure and you're not ready, so that must mean I want you
You're unavailable and disinterested, and to you I look for comfort
A million times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old, or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding, be that my cue to crave you
Several times in several ways, I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways, I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It wont' be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self-deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman, afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me God and everything
A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

Song of the Day:
Alanis - "Bent For You"
www.alanis.com

[make up your mind]

2007-11-03T00:40:00.000-04:00

Make up your mind

You couldn't make me
Anymore crazy
Than I could stand to be
So won't you just sympathize with me
And all the things I do
to make you angry with me
What's wrong with me today?
You say I leave you all alone
Every time you call me
As if you needed reason to fall down
I know this must be hard for you to understand
And all this waiting takes too long for me
Make up your mind

You don't even know
what's good for you
You better keep your eyes on me
Maybe you're oblivious inside
And it's scary that you don't know
Your chances fade away
Fade away sometimes
Maybe you're oblivious inside

No you can't deny me
And I don't want to see you go away

You get angry when I ask what's on your mind
I should have been asking you
what's been up your sleeve this whole time
'Cause now I know you're dangerous
And I know you're dangerous
but somehow you're contagious
Make up your mind

You don't even know
what's good for you
You better keep your eyes on me
Maybe you're oblivious inside
But it's scary that you don't know
Your chances fade away
Fade away sometimes
Maybe you're oblivious inside

Song of the Day:
Orgy - "Make Up Your Mind"
www.punkstatik.com

[suffering is sweet agony]

2007-11-01T19:41:00.000-04:00

Back when I was in high school, I had this one teacher who was just amazing. My sophomore year I met her (as she was a coach off one of my sports teams), and she was just so damn awesome, I decided to take an elective with her my senior year. I really looked up to her - she was intelligent, fun, and had a great sense of humor. She was in her late 30's or early 40's I believe...I remember thinking, "Damn, I hope I can still be that full of life when I grow older."

But during my senior year she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't even know for sure what she had - I know she missed quite a bit of work for awhile there. But more than that...she changed. Her sense of humor was gone. She snapped at just about everybody. She had no understanding or sympathy for anyone else, because she was so consumed by her own pain.

It was sad losing her as a role model. I remember I did something stupid in her class once (playing around instead of working, I admit it), but that one small mistake was held against me forever. I never did anything right, either in class or at practice. I remember her telling me at the end of the year I'd never amount to much. I still wonder if she ever came to terms with her illness...or if she ever realized how much she hurt me.

Over the next few years, whenever I'd think about her I'd start to resent her more and more...especially when I got sick, too. I remember thinking about the things she said to me, and wondering if I had the chance to see her again, if I would throw it in her face? Would I scream, "See, you're not the only one in physical pain...get over yourself"?

The sad reality about myself that I realized this week is that I turned out to be just like her.

Though unlike her, I try not to take out my problems on the people around me. I don't always succeed, but at least most of the time I have enough sense to run away before doing any real damage to anyone else. But I adopted the same mentality she had.

You would think suffering this kind of pain would make people like her and me more sympathetic to others who are hurting. Instead, we developed this haughty, sneering indifference to anyone we think doesn't "hurt enough" to be considered an equal in pain endured.

And then this song lyric popped into my head as I was driving away tonight:

"Who am I to compare my pain to yours?
Suffering is sweet agony.
Who am I to compare my pain to yours?
My suffering must mean nothing."
- Plumb, "Who Am I?"

Considering my religious beliefs, if I do believe in God and what He did to acheive salvation for us all - then I have to accept that Jesus came to this world and suffered a death no other human has endured. And my pain, compared to His, is of little consequence.

So who am I to say that I've had a harder time of it? Or that your struggle isn't worth as much sympathy as mine was?

Song of the Day:
Plumb - "Who Am I?"
www.plumbinfo.com

[iRock]

2007-10-29T21:09:00.000-04:00

Apparently my label is more "legit" now for two reasons: 1) My latest two releases (dharmata 101 - "Protest Songs for the Content" and xUBERx - "Rogue State") will be available on iTunes within a month; and, 2) xUBERx's tracks are apparently on P2P filesharing...if people care enough to steal it, then we must be cool.

Otherwise, just plodding along I suppose. Nothing really great or really horrible happening; work is ok, personal life is ok...just getting on with it. Me and JSun have been doing alright I suppose - he decided over the weekend that he did love me after all, but the damage has already been done. I still hope we can get beyond this...but the doubt that's in the back of my mind hasn't been turned off by any means...I'm just trying not to focus on it too much so that we can move on. On the flip side, there are some obvious signs that he wants to be with me for the long haul - like the house hunting (we're looking for a castle-esque rowhouse in NW), or how he pointed to a bouncy kid in Ikea and said "That's what we have to look forward to." Not that I'm looking at having kids anytime soon...but I know (and I guess I have always at least trusted him on this) that the potential for something lasting is indeed here, even if we haven't made any real commitment yet. My mom seems to be under the impression that we'll be engaged by Christmas; I know it's gonna be a lot longer for that, but that's perfectly fine with me...I'm in no rush, and if that is indeed what's in our future, I wanna know we're both positive.

Speaking of relationships, I'm a little bit hurt by something I noticed today. Every once in awhile I pop on Facebook and do a little "poking" to some friends, since (I admit with regret) I'm kind of a lousy friend lately since I'm so consumed by work, and it's like my way of letting people know I still think about them even though my social life is shot. Anyways, I had noticed a couple of months ago that when I had written something on Jacob's wall that it got deleted. I was kind bewildered by it at the time, and just let it go. Tonight I thought about just SuperPoking him or something, and when I went to do it I noticed he was no longer on my friends list. I cross-referenced myspace and noticed I'm off both his personal and band lists, too. (Wow, I just realized how incredibly emo-teenybopper-iCrap this paragraph is reading, but really...in my defense, I decided to cut to the chase and email him asking what's up.) My only instinct is that maybe his current SI may not like him talking to ex's (not something I agree with, but hey, everyone's not me) and maybe that's why he deleted a comment. But to de-friend me completely? When we haven't even talked in probably a year? Really?

I guess it just makes me think about a conversation I had with someone else the other week about the meaningfulness of previous relationships. I've never been one to just cut away a previous relationship, pretending that that chunk of my life never happened. And frankly, I don't see how anyone can, either. I mean, sure, if a relationship ends badly I do tend to walk away for a bit - but I always come back (just as I always intend). But how can anyone just turn around and pretend that love never existed at all? I'll always care for anyone I've ever loved in this life - it doesn't mean it's an active, pursuing love...I still love some of my ex's in a platonic way, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna get back together with them, or that my current boyfriend should be concerned about my feelings or the possiblity of a rekindling. That's not me, that's not how I work. But on the flip side, it scares me to hear how people have spent years of their lives with someone else...and then can just walk away and ignore everything that happened, and say that they don't love that person anymore.

It makes me wonder if they ever felt love to begin with.

Which still makes me wonder if what I feel is just somehow overall greater than what most people exude in this world. I can't imagine a day when I'd ever say I don't still love people like Lance or Jacob in some quiet and content sort of way. I'm at peace...I wish you were, too.

It's like I'm in color but you're in shades of gray
I try to fill you in with my love, but you push the brush away.

[but together...]

2007-10-22T20:46:00.000-04:00

"I love you. Take care of yourself, ok?"
"Love you, too."

Yeah, things ended up coming to a place of peace I hadn't even hoped for.

The weekend overall has been pretty good, in spite of the lousy start. The Psyclon Nine show kicked major ass (even though I believe they got kicked out of Jaxx for breaking some things on stage, oi), and it was great saying hi to everyone again. Then, Sunday, I went into DC early to hang out with Marius (and cash in on that backrub) before their show @ Grog & Tankard. The venue itself was bigger than I was expecting, but damn, the door guy was less than desirable to work with. What kind of venue doesn't take into account that some (or, um, most?) bands have roadies, managers, merch girls, etc., and that it's usual for venues to let auxiliary tour personal into the venue for free with the band. I mean, seriously?

Me and JSun have decided to work things out in the end, but honestly things really just aren't the same. But maybe that's ok...in a way, it's kinda like starting over and going more slowly. But...I can feel this new hesitation that's cropped up now whenever I'm around him, and I know he notices it, too. I just hope he really understands how well he undermined the trust in this relationship with what he did. It's not something that can't ultimately be overcome - but it's gonna take awhile. But - we both work a lot, so I hope that will be a good distraction and healing element over the next few weeks and months.

I had a great phone convo with Colleen on Saturday, which rocked. I miss her, and hopefully we can get together and hang out sometime this week or next.

Things on the music side of things are interesting, I guess. I started a new job last week with PMD Promotions, and so far it's alright. I really like the job itself - basically I Metro into the district and walk a new route everyday, putting up posters. I get to meet a lot of new people and get some great exercise. The hours are good, and the pay is adequate. However, DC is a hard place to paper, since more and more stores are become high-end retail outlets or major chains like Starbucks, etc. So, that in itself might be the downfall to the job - just not enough work to go around for steady employment. We'll see though...I may just do this part time and try to work more at Alden and at other odd jobs. For instance, next weekend I'm working as a demo model for Endless Pools - basically I get paid a nice chunk of money to swim in one of their training pools at a trade show, lol! Should be awesome.

Other than that, things are good...I'm just tired a lot. I think the new job along with the new medication are contributing to that mostly.

Anyways, I better get back to work...

[but together we are exiled]

2007-10-20T09:15:00.000-04:00

Gah. Things will be ok for a few weeks and then BAM! More trouble.

So me and JSun kinda got into it again last night. I was stressed and upset about some things, and really just needed him to sit up with me so I could talk about it. And the thing is, he keeps asking me to open up to him more...the problem is (and I think always has been) is that he doesn't ever seem to understand that love and compassion aren't always gonna be needed at the most convenient times.

Ok, I'm sorry that it seems like I need a friendly ear most often at 1am. I think, logically so, that I'm most prone to get upset about something right before I go to sleep (as opposed to the middle of the day, etc.) simply because I'm so f'ing busy during the day, that things that are nagging me really don't come to light until everything else is out of the way. I know that it's tough on other people, especially when those people have to be up early in the morning...but at the same time...if anyone called me at 3am and needed me, I would fucking be there for them. So is it too much of me to ask my friends (or boyfriend) to give me the same kind of support.

Apparently so. His reasoning is that I can't expect everyone to be as nice and supportive of me, the way that I am of them. Hmn. Really? I mean, I'm surrounded by friends who I know I could call up at 3am if I needed them. No matter what. So I guess the unasked question for him is...why the hell am I dating you?

I thought we got to a pretty good place by around 2:30 (considering we had to first fight about whether or not I was justified in asking my boyfriend to give me some comfort when I was upset, even though he had to be at work at 7am...and then get on to the actual problem that was bothering me), so we headed to bed. I was about to go to sleep so I told him I loved him, as I always do, and he didn't respond. Anyways, to make a long story short, he basically admitted to me that he didn't really feel that way about me after all...even though he'd been using the L word for over two months now.

So...awesome. Now what? And why the hell is he so open and ready for us to move in together if he's not even sure he feels strongly about me? And what about that night in Richmond, when I was screaming at him in the car, telling him that if he just admitted that he didn't love me that I'd be ok, why didn't he then tell me? This would have been almost three weeks behind us now.

I spent so much time crying throughout the night/morning that my eyes are half swollen shut. I finally looked at the clock and realized that he was late for work (which he promptly blamed me for - because, obviously, the amount of alcohol he consumed AND the fact that he hit the snooze button six times had NOTHING to do with it.), so he left in a huff, and I headed out soon after. I'm just throwing up my hands at this point; I've got too much else to worry about this weekend to deal with this anymore now.

So yeah, moving on, today is the day of finality (I hope). I'll be heading over to Jaxx around 6pm or so...I guess we'll see what happens. All I want, really, is for Joe to understand that he meant a lot to me. That's all. It was never about me getting anything at all...all I know is that in some ways he seemed so much like me. Especially in how I got the impression that he, like me, has never really felt love. And after getting figuratively stabbed in the heart this weekend, it just reminds me more than ever how terrible loneliness and lovelessness feels...and if I could do something to prevent him from feeling half as bad as I do right now...

I wish I had finished recording "Self-Esteem". I think it might get the point across better. Somehow the idea of walking up to him after his set tonight and saying, "For what it's worth, I just want you to know that I loved you and you really meant a lot to me" just isn't going to cut it. Like I told JSun, it's like pouring water on a brick wall; no matter how much I throw at him, the inside remains dry and oblivious to the outside flow.

"I really care about you."
"That's weird, you don't even know me."

And tomorrow, Marius will be back in town while Cynergy 67 is on tour. That'll be nice, actually. I could use a good friend...and a good backrub.

[to close your eyes]

2007-09-14T14:36:00.000-04:00

This blog is fast becoming the place I write only when I'm not looking to blatantly spill my guts to the entire world. If people really want to know this much about me, they at least have to care enough to come looking.

Anyways...after the last few weeks I think it's likely that me and JSun won't be together much longer. As stated on LJ, we've had a helluva few weeks, dealing with - to sum it up succintly - his addictions. I'd been dealing with the alcohol for months now, but then this week I was told cigarette smoke might be contributing to my skin problems. If so, he'd have to quit. And he's still undecided if quitting is worth staying with me.

He stopped telling me he loved me, which I guess is good, since we both know that's not the case. On the flip side, I had really started getting my hopes up, and I miss hearing him say it.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself...but this time it had felt so right. I keep going back and reading earlier entries where I've stated time and time again that everything I've been through in this life has pointed me in a direction that I go alone.

God, why am I still burdened with a heart that loves so much when I know damn good and well that I'll never have this happiness?

So what do I do? Part of me wants to walk away now, but even though I know he doesn't really want to be with me anymore, he's also dealing with a lot of stress from elsewhere right now too. I don't think I can leave him alone while he's afraid of losing his job, or worrying about his music. He's told me he's depressed and self-destructive, and that he feels like he has no friends. I can't cut the only life-line he feels he has, even if that life-line is just a replacement for the one he really wants.

So I do what I always do. I'll give to him until he pushes me away himself. I give up on me...I don't matter anymore.

[I'm tearing at myself]

2007-08-21T13:01:00.000-04:00

Nobody gives a damn about me,
or anybody...else...

I finally made the announcement on LJ about my going home in two weeks. Admitting failure, even in just a small "but I'll be back soon!" way sucks. But I have to admit that I'm looking forward to being Laura again, and putting Valdyr away for awhile.

I'm looking forward to going thrift store shopping with Heather. I'm looking forward to drinking beer and watching wrestling with Chris. I'm looking forward to sipping on a bottle of wine in Joe's pool. I'm looking forward to grabbing some Olive Garden with DOM. I'm looking forward to visiting Dana and Laura in their new house. I'm looking forward to jamming out with Derek again.

I realize...I'm looking forward to pretending that the last year and a half never really happened.

I can still picture myself back at the college, in that one uncharacteristically kind and motivational conversation I had with Rafe, telling me that everything I had done up until that point had indicated that I would rather live my life looking for love rather than following my career. And that he knew if I didn't follow my career in the end, I'd never really be happy.

So I did it. For almost two years, I've sacrificed my friends, my health, and my past relations to pursue this career.

I'm still not happy.

I am at peace though. Rafe was right in the sense that now I can move on without having to wonder. But, now what?

I've been asking that all year. I'm sitting here in JSun's apartment, listing to him recite lyrics for a song he's writing about his best friend who was tragically murdered by her husband late last week. In his last LJ post, he mentioned that he was rethinking all sorts of things - capital punishment, marriage and love:

"Laura just told me she loved me...and I didn't know how to respond."

Most of you know that I find it pretty easy to open myself up and love someone, so you probably don't think that's surprising on my end. But, in spite of what had happened between him and his ex-fiance, he had started telling me the same thing about two weeks ago.

All I ever wanted in this life was love. I was beginning to think I might have actually found it. But now he realizes he didn't feel that way about me after all.

I asked him this morning if he would take Jess back if he had the opportunity. He gave me an honest response, but it wasn't something I wanted to hear.

So here I am. My career is crumbling, and I still haven't really meant anything to anyone. Is my life ever going to be anything but pointless?

Somebody get me outta here
I'm tearing at myself

"Maybe some of us weren't meant to make a big difference in one person. Maybe some of us are supposed to touch a lot of lives in small, barely perceptable ways."

GAH.

2007-08-13T22:33:00.000-04:00

Things that went wrong this month:

+ The RAM label samplers had the wrong track at the end of the CD. Fault: CD company. Loss: promotional ability at Blacksun Festival, and $130.

+ xUBERx CD has two songs switched on CD. Fault: mine. Loss: sales @ BSF, and near loss of a good friendship. Oh, and $520.

+ Nuclearfest gets mediocre review from ReGen. Loss: motivation and audience retention for NFest '08 as well as Fallout Friday. Who wants to come to a show if I can only book 2 good bands out of 8?

+ 51 Peg / Gravity Euphonic show cancelled this week. Loss: $75, my respectability as a promoter, and potential workable venue.

Things that went right this month:

+ ...

----------

Anyways, so a lot is going to be changing here in a few weeks. I've talked to a few people about what I'm gonna have to do shortly, due to my business losses, the upcoming move, the future expected loss of one of my main jobs, and my health. I'll be more explicit in about a week or so, once I've talked to everyone officially.

Yes, Colleen, we totally need to fucking hang out. Like, tomorrow night. I get off work @ Alden at 6:30. Help me get my head back on straight.

If it wasn't for JSun, I wouldn't have even made it home from Connecticut.

Oh, btw, BSF was indeed awesome in any case.

[we want a revolution]

2007-08-07T01:09:00.000-04:00

Got a Stromkern song stuck in my head.

Anyways, things are good on my end for the most part. If you haven't been keeping up with my random posts on LiveJournal (god I need to repost them in here more often), things went really well with Nuclearfest. I didn't quite break even, but I didn't loose too much money, and the event itself ran very smoothly. So more things along those lines will be coming soon.

I'm going to Blacksun later on this week with JSun. Should be a good trip. I hope vending goes ok, but I am indeed looking forward to the vacation.

Things with me and JSun are ok; we kinda had it out about a week ago after he got rediculously wasted at the bar (when he was the one who drove) and couldn't understand why I was upset. I dunno...I guess for the most part when I drink, I'm still quite aware of myself, and know when I've had too much. I don't understand people who loose control, though I guess it really isn't his fault that his body reacts badly when mine does not. At the same time, he needs to realize that because he does react badly to alcohol, that he needs to avoid that situation to begin with. But, I think this is just the beginning of an uphill climb unfortunately, that's going to result in a lot more instances of me taking the keys. *sigh*

It's frustrating, because other than this, he's great. I know he cares about me, even though things are still moving slowly emotionally given the situation he just got out of. He treats me very well, and he's very affectionate and emotionally accessible. He understands my lifestyle and time restraints...and, Christ, he deals with my skin condition better than just about anyone. I just hope we can get to a good resolution for the excessive drinking...because this really is something that I cannot compromise on.

In other news, I stumbled upon an online posting the other day that seems to point to a continuing downward spiral in a friend who is now far from my reach. All. I. can. do. is. pray. I know that might indeed the best thing I could have done to begin with...but god I feel so helpless...

Song of the Day:
Stromkern - "Stand Up"
www.radio-active-music.com

[make me or break me]

2007-07-22T09:03:00.000-04:00

Well, here we go.

It seems that at some point everything that could have gotten delayed or broken did, but somehow the show still goes on, and it goes on in just less than five hours.

God I wish JSun was here with me.

And congrats to Lance on the baby. Hope you guys do well.

[trading nervousness for expectation]

2007-07-19T13:09:00.000-04:00

So, finally, all seems to be coming together at last for Nuclearfest. I've sold more presale tickets than I expected, and it seems even more are planning on attending. Got my posters this morning, and a lot of press is being done to cover the event. I think, in the end, this was indeed a good idea after all.

JSun is out of town for a bit for AF training. He's only been gone for about a day and a half, but I miss him already. He doesn't get very good cell reception up there, so we can't even really talk. Just the occasional text message. I wish he could have been in town for N-fest, but at the same time I'm so busy I wouldn't have had much time to spend with him. What's gonna be bad is after the festival is over and I have little to worry about. Then I'm gonna be lonely, lol.

I got an email from a former friend who I had dropped communication with after he had done something that I had found highly disrespectful. He apologized for what had happened, so I think I may hang out with him sometime soon and try to rebuild that friendship. He's not a bad guy in general I suppose, and if he's willing to try to make amends, who am I to hold a grudge?

...which reminds me of another email I got about a week or two ago and hadn't yet been able to respond to. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just up to my eyeballs with Nuclearfest and xUBERx's album production.

As for another blast from the past, I scanned through a bulletin that Lance posted on myspace today. His wife is expecting their child anytime now, and it sounds like the pregnancy is a bit of rollercoaster ride, heh. I hope all that turns out well for them...though it's still kinda wierd watching so many of my friends and ex's getting married and starting families.

I guess it kinda makes me think more about what I want out of this life. Me and JSun have been together for almost two months now. (Seriously? It just feels like two weeks ago he was bugging me about Goth Prom, hehehe.) And like I wrote about it in the beginning...there's just something peaceful about things this time around. I think there might be the potential for something a lot more permanent here. I guess, in regards to my business, I feel like I've accomplished a lot of what I had set out to do, and maybe now I'm starting to look a little closer to my heart for other means of fullfillment.

Part of that comes from the realization today that part of why I'm feeling so good about Nuclearfest, RAM, xUBERx's album, etc., is because I'm seeing now that RAM isn't just me anymore. I'm surrounded by people who have donated their time and talents to help support the cause. In the past I've had to sacrifice my time spent with friends in order to pursue my career. Now I see that it's my friends' time that supports my career.

So maybe I should pay a bit more attention to the people I care about, eh?

[is]

2007-07-12T02:57:00.000-04:00

Hate is a waste of time when this world is in need of things much more positive and useful.

Happiness is a bowl of cherries you share with your boyfriend while watching cartoons when you first wake up in the morning.

Peace is recognizing irrevocable change and realizing it didn't hurt the way you expected it to.

Love is divinity, and divinity is fleeting...but I'm trying.

[manic]

2007-07-05T21:02:00.000-04:00

She breathes in
She breaths out
She wakes up
And lays down
She can hardly speak
And so she screams

I won't give in again
'Cause she takes everything

Nothing I say will wash it away
I'm standing in the pouring rain
You say it won't happen again
You're manic, manic
There's a chemical in your brain
It's pouring sunshine and rage
You can never know what to expect
You're manic, manic

She loves you
And hates you
You break down
She feels good
She will bleed from insecurity
When will she heal from this?
I love her still

Nothing I say will wash it away
I'm standing in the pouring rain
You say it won't happen again
You're manic, manic
There's a chemical in your brain
It's pouring sunshine and rage
You can never know what to expect
You're manic, manic

Song of the Day:
Plumb - "Manic"
www.plumbinfo.com

[rusted]

2007-06-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

I think that one ofthe reasons I rarely make myself emotionally accessible is because everytime I do, it seems like it goes unappreciated...

Now I feel so useless, so pointless.

How is it that lately, it seems like everytime I display affection, it turns out to be the last thing anyone ever wanted.

Can I make this go away?

[a test in human nature]

2007-06-25T19:05:00.000-04:00

So this weekend has been insane. On Thursday night, I get a call informing me that the guest DJ for this week is stranded at the airport and needs to be picked up. To make a long story short, somehow me and JSun ended up taking care of this DJ and his girl all week. Don't get me wrong, these guys are totally awesome, but it was just kinda frustrating to a) see so many people flake out on their responsibilities, and b) see DC so badly represented. Overall I think things are fine with them, but it's been kinda crazy trying to juggle this along with 'real life' AND being out of town for half of it.

Other fun things to note:

+ I dropped another thousand on my car, but it was scheduled maintainence. My car now runs like it's new.

+ My DJ gig in VA Beach was awesome. It was great getting out of town and hanging with those HITL guys again. They're such good people.

+ My parents were in a car accident, but they seem to be ok.

+ As mentioned on LJ, I had a kind of last minute "meet the boyfriend's parents" on Saturday, but I'm told that apparently I did well. Still rather scary after such a short time period.

+ On the flip side, JSun has been nothing but great this weekend. With the DJ debacle, he totally stepped up and helped them out all weekend, from driving them to the club to showing them around DC while I was out of town. I would have been soooo much more stressed if he hadn't stepped in and helped out in a situation that wasn't in any way his responsibility.
In addition, he called me today with news that he's getting an unexpected [huge] bonus this week, along with his plans at attempting to spoil me. It was cute, though I'm so not used to that anymore (not since college, anyhow). He mentioned some typical stuff like going on a vacation at first, but then he threw out the idea of helping to finance Nuclearfest in a small way. And I'm thinking...this guy gets me. He understands what's important to me and what makes me happy. And that's just awesome.

A little less than three more hours at work, and then off to the Blue Iguana!

[let it all go, let it all go]

2007-06-21T19:54:00.000-04:00

...so going back to a previous entry, what IS it about our society that has raised us to have such self-loathing, such low self-esteem?

And what do you do about it? What do you do when love and permanence aren't good enough reasons to have faith? Or worse...when you're told that your concern is actually somehow just adding to the problem.

"I really care about you."
"Well, then, there must be something wrong with you."

The longer I live this life, the more helpless I feel I am around the people that need understanding and compassion the most.

This was my LJ entry from this morning. *sigh* Trying to find resolution is hard...especially when, like in the beginning, you're the only one making the effort.

Of course, this was probably premature. I'm acting on behalf of someone else, not on what I feel.

This isn't over...

At least I can find comfort that, no matter what else is going on here, I find myself growing a little closer to God every day.

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "Rusted"
www.psyclonnine.com

[taken]

2007-06-11T17:41:00.000-04:00

So other than that last post of last-minute freak-out-ness, things have taken an unexpected upward turn in direction. So for those of you who don't keep up with my LJ or myspace...

I'm dating this man:

He's the singer of dharmata 101, a local synth-industrial act I've been working with over the last year or so. In "real life" he's in the Air Force, and he's been both very affectionate and a lot of fun to be around so far. As much as I try my damndest to not date anyone in "the scene"...well, when have I ever been businessly appropriate? :-)

Song of the Day:
Dharmata 101 - "A Flame [in the Vapour]"
www.myspace.com/dharmata101

[disregard]

2007-06-06T22:02:00.001-04:00

I mean, I know better, right? Someone remind me that I'm unlovable next time I get all optimistic and think about trying again.

"Yes"

2007-06-06T17:56:00.000-04:00

It's like, suddenly, all of those great novels I wrote about love, human nature, and my perception of life just manifested themselves.

I know this sounds so wierd coming from someone who is usually pretty cautious and pessimestic, but something is just...peaceful...this time.

It's like, maybe the other week when I was crying myself to sleep, talking to God and telling him how lonely I still was...well, I always knew he heard me before, but maybe this time around his answer is no longer "no" or "wait".

[saviour sophia]

2007-06-03T22:33:00.000-04:00

"There are angels that walk among us. Their heads ascending just above the rest of the cultural mass-mind. Sometimes I can see them. It's like there's a big game of chess being played on the earth and all of the pieces are here...waiting to be played." - Nero, on LJ today.

[So how does the angel convey the message they were sent to give? I know what I have to do, but I feel lost...waiting...]

You've been influenced by evil for far too long. But you should know that God is working even harder to bring you back home.

And how is it that I seem to find myself looking for the better man within yet one more time?

"I want to be the white knight."

That's gonna get me into trouble.

Do not injustice to another / defend the weak and innocent / let truth and honor always guide you / let courage be the light within / stand up when no one else is willing / act not in hatred or in spite / be to this world as a perfect knight / even if it means your life

no sleep for you

2007-05-28T09:49:00.001-04:00

Despite my best efforts to get a good night's rest, I could not for the life of me get to bed last night. Something's wrong...something happened to someone last night, I can feel it.

Anyways, I ended up spending most of my night working on my next batch of promo supplies for RAM, Midnight, and SLR...trying to get myself a bit more organized and prepared for this summer for things like Nuclearfest and Blacksun. I also got a lot of inspiration regarding some things that need to be done for SLR to help get our promotions efforts back on track, so I should have a pretty productive day in the office today with what I have to work with.

I talked to Tom from HITL yesterday, and it's now official that I'll be DJing for their Masquerade Ball in Virginia Beach at the end of June. I'm thinking about making a weekend vacation out of it and going down and working with some photographers and MUA's in the area that had contacted me in the past about work. Should be a lot of fun.

In addition to that, me and Mary Kate (Ryan's wife) will be doing a DJ Deathmatch at SLR on Wednesday, June 13th. It's gonna be a LOT of fun! Not just industrial...a little bit of everything. I might pull out something from John Cena...something from DC Talk...I might even play some Jacob Bock. :-P

[monthly, apparently] updates

2007-05-27T22:26:00.000-04:00

Today was just one of those days that nothing was going to happen, so why not blog instead?

I was SUPPOSED to work today, but because of that goddamn Rolling Thunder rally today, all of DC was shut down, and thus I couldn't get in to get to my job. As stated in my livejournal, I'm all about freedom of speech, right to assemble, right to protest, whatever...as long as it doesn't interfere with MY right to get to fucking work and make a living.

I spent most of the afternoon instead at SLR, catching up on emails and playing hardcore battles of Mindsweeper. I decided to chill out there instead of driving home, since I was supposed to head up to Baltimore tonight for a show. But after several power outages and uncertainties about the weather, I finally decided to just head for home instead. I've been doing too much lately, I need a break.

So, tonight I'm doing nothing but eating McDonalds and watching Star Trek reruns. And probably will go to bed before midnight. I have another long week ahead of me.

Lots of stuff as usual has gone on since I last wrote, and I'll probably write about it...later.

o rly?

2007-05-18T02:23:00.000-04:00

You seem to think you still have a choice.

Ever stop to think that someone might call you out on being the manipulative bastard that you are, and that maybe you're not wanted, or *gasp* needed anymore?

Call me, we'll get together and talk this weekend and I'll tell you just why the very thing that make you a fabulous artist makes you a horrible human being. And just why I lost that last bit of respect I still had for you.

Nuclearfest 2007: July 15th @ Jaxx - Springfield VA

2007-04-26T22:35:00.000-04:00

Well, I did it. I finally came to the realization that while I've been mostly maintaining my company for the past year, it really wasn't gonna get any bigger until I took the next plunge and did something huge.

So, welcome the new yearly industrial festival to Washington, DC.

Nine bands. Ten DJs. Fifteen bucks. Yeah.

More information coming soon. So far three bands are confirmed, as well as seven DJs. Keep an eye on www.nuclearfest.com for all the latest information.

In other news, me and Joe did Mason Day @ GMU today. It was frat central, but overall in the end things went pretty well. I hope we get some new customers out of that. I'll post some pictures soon.

Tomorrow's gonna be busy. Gotta get my oil changed tomorrow morning, then I'm helping Colleen go wedding dress shopping tomorrow afternoon. Then tomorrow night, I've got my first rotational DJ spot at BOUND! Planning on playing lots of fun things, including some new stuff from Fluffy Starr, Atrum Artifex, Worms of the Earth, XUBERX, and more! I'm also going to be playing for the "Goth Help Us" benefit show on May 24th at the RNR Lounge.

Anyways, now that my allergy medicine has worn off and I'm not longer feeling like I'm halfway on speed, I'm going to get some sleep...

Return

2007-04-22T13:51:00.000-04:00

So I guess I've gotten used to posting more on LJ while I've had my blog private; I've imported a few entries from there to here just to keep everything together. As you can see below, I had a "spill my guts" post a few weeks ago to try to tie some things up in my head and get on to the next chapter.

In any case, a lot of things have happened...

March 30th - I met Kathie Lee Gifford. She's the playwright for a show at Signature, so she dropped in while we were reloading color scrollers that morning. We had no idea who she was until our ME mentioned to us later that she saw us talking to her.
March 31st - I hit up the Bella Morte show at Jaxx to see In Tenebris and Rites of Ash open. Hung out with some friends, got Vincent Knaus in to get some kick ass pictures, and then headed over to Midnight.
April 1st - The Caustic / Boole / Gothsickles / Apologizers show. I got really drunk and won a giant vibrator signed by all the bands at the end of the night. For safe keeping I kept it sticking out of my front pocket as I walked around the club. MindCage still won't let me live that one down, lol.
April 5th - I got taken on as a portrait model for Corcoran. I feel special because I have a faculty parking pass.

April 6th - Scott takes me up to Ascension at Baltimore, which rocks. I met a guy up there, but never caught his name. I noticed him watching me the whole night, but he never came over before he left. It was pretty cute nevertheless.
April 7th - Disown's show at Midnight was cancelled due to Jae getting sick. Very disappointing, but we'll get them back down here soon. On the flip side, I end up with a last minute DJ spot instead.

April 11th - VNV Nation instore signing at Strangeland. Getting the band together was a bit of a clusterfuck as their tour manager got deathly ill with the flu. But in the end all was well; I ended up driving Mark from VNV and Gio from And One around that afternoon. All the guys were cool, but Mark especially rocked. The instore signing went absurdly well; we had close to 80 people in the store for the one hour period.
April 12th - VNV Nation show. Kit had an extra VIP pass so I spent most of the show drinking in the VIP lounge balcony on the second floor. Good show. Afterwards, we all did our good promoting thing; lots of promoters ended up helping each other out by handing out everyone's flyers together. From this, I'm tentatively starting a joint flyering project where we either combine our flyers ahead of time, or get some big nice ones made that include everyone's info on them.

April 13th - Armageddon Dildos / Inertia / Red This Ever / dharmata 101 show. Good show, but I was very very tired...
April 14th-18th - Theatre Sans Fil at Alden. I got to be a "puppet ninja" on ground crew. It was a cool show, just a bit stressful. Nice people though. Note to self: dry ice machines suck.
April 16th - Virginia Tech Massacre. Marius texts me around 11am to let me know what happened. It takes me about three days to track down my friends and professors to see if anyone I knew had been hurt or killed. Fortunately, no one I knew was directly affected. For the first time in my life, I really felt like a Hokie. That asshole Fred Phelps announced that he would be protesting at the slain students' funerals, but I learned later that they had cancelled all protests in exchange for airtime on a national radio broadcast.
April 18th - DTX7 comes into town. Me, Marius, and Niko hang out for the evening. Marius makes dinner. Marius makes very good dinner.

April 19th - DTX7 / Cynergy 67 / RAM promo photoshoot w/ Vincent Knaus. The pictures come out great! We've got plenty of images to use in our press packs. That night, we hit up Chronos to do a little pre-show promotion for Friday.
April 20th - Worms of the Earth / DTX7 / Caduceus Virus show @ SLR. The show goes well, but with a smaller crowd than I had hoped for. And...I need to get a reverb unit for my PA system. I also finally got my Coffin Case merch in the mail - the day after I really needed it.

Upcoming events:
April 26th - Mason Day @ GMU. Strangeland is vending, so we're giving away 500+ goodie bags on campus. It's gonna rock.
April 27th - I DJ @ BOUND along side of DJ Solaries. Rock!
May 4th - Park calls w/ Shakespeare start. For me, that signifies that summer is officially here!
May 5th - I guest DJ @ Midnight again, with The Cassandra Syndrome playing.
May 13th - Darklocks photoshoot, part II!
May 18th - Cyanotic tour comes into town.
May 19th - Lee & Molly's wedding, whoo!

So staying busy. Still kinda broke. Kinda down too about some things that happened last month, but I'm moving on...

The Emotional Purging; or, The Sum of my Life thus Far

2007-04-10T13:48:00.000-04:00

So as I'm sitting in bed with my latest bout of bronchitis, I decided to sit down and finish writing out some thoughts that have been floating around my consciousness for the last few months. This is a little disjointed, I'll admit, and a VERY long read...

If I had to write a few pages entailing what I’ve learned over the last 24 years, this would be about as all-encompassing as it gets.

The Industry

I remember when I moved up into this area how blindsided I was by all the drama. I somehow managed to make a few enemies before I even made friends, simply by booking a show.

So now that I’ve been here a year, I think I’ve safely passed out of the newbie territory and can make some justified comments about what I’ve seen thus far. I understand that while I came into this area with a considerable amount of experience, that I didn’t really have a place at the time to judge this immediate scene having not really lived in it. However, since I do have the background of working in this industry heavily via record labels, bands, and extensively online promotion, I feel like my observations are both global and not just based on my experiences here.

“If I wanted drama, I would have stayed in theatre,” has been a long-used comment by me, but the reality of the situation is almost the opposite. To take my experience and history back a little bit farther, as some of you know, before I was in the music scene I was in theatre. I fell in love with theatre in high school, worked hard to build my portfolio to get into college, graduated with strong skills, confidence, and a professional attitude towards my career, and have since been working successfully in all aspects of theatre technology and corporate a/v. I mention this because while theatre isn’t directly related to what I do now in the music industry, it set the background and the standard for what I do now.

After watching a considerable amount of personal and behind-the-scenes drama here in the music scene, I tried to understand and analyze just why there is so much crap interwoven into our profession, whereas in theatre, things are almost always peaceful. I think I have a few answers to that now.

I don’t in any way want to come across as arrogant or in a “better-than-thou” light by saying this. But I think the line comes from the differences between industry professionals and industry amateurs. I don’t want to in any way belittle the passion, the love, and the hard work by fans-turned-DJs or fans-turned-promoters. Because, let’s face it, none of us got into this industry for the money or the fame - and if you did, you picked the wrong genre. We all did this, despite our backgrounds, because of our passion for this music and this scene. But I think I got considerably lucky by having formal training for a career in the entertainment industry, because I learned (and I’ll totally admit it, the hard way – by having a nervous breakdown during college after living this “live or die for your art” mentality) to have the personal and professional detachment from what I do.

That doesn’t mean I’m not still passionate about the music I support. That doesn’t mean I won’t bend over backwards to make a show work. It just means that I don’t take professional/industry disagreements as personal attacks. If some of my friends don’t come see one of my shows, my first conclusions are probably along the lines of a) they were busy, b) they had to work, or c) they just didn’t want to that night; and NOT d) they hate me, e) they’re trying to undermine my business, or f) they want to start a competing night/event.

I’ve seen the widest array of:
DJ’s hating bands for playing shows and taking up club time
DJ’s hating promoters who book bands at their clubs for the same reasons
bands hating DJ’s for not always and immediately playing their music
promoters hating DJ’s for not playing for free
promoters hating bands for circumstances out of everyone’s control
bands hating promoters for taking a cut of the band’s hard earned money
promoters hating other promoters for event scheduling
etc.

…and all of this spirals down into personal attacks and divided friendships. Seriously, people, we need to get our acts together.

As stated above, we all (presumably) got into this business for the love of the art. We’re all striving for the same goal. We should be working together in a symbiotic relationship for the common good of the art and the scene. I don’t mean to get all romantic and whatnot here, so here are some key things to remember:

Bands: DJ’s do play your music, they expose you to new crowds, and are an essentially free promotional tool directly to your targeted audiences, so appreciate any help they give you. And most promoters are not trying to take your money, they’re helping you get into a new space (most of the time with great effort and risk of personal financial loss) where you may not have been able to get in on your own.

DJs: Bands make the material you spin. Without them, you wouldn’t have a job. Promoters help bands continue making their music, too, so obligingly give up 45 minutes one night a month to let them have their time.

Promoters: There are only seven days in a week. It’s a business decision to book an event, not a personal attack. And have some honor and integrity to pay your DJs, your bands, and your sound guy.

Love & Human Nature

Some of this is personal and directed. Some of it is global and observational.

“I really care about you…I know, I know…you don’t believe me.”
“I do believe you, it just doesn’t make sense. We only see each other once in awhile and talk some…”

I usually have pretty good instincts about people. You say that I don’t know you, but I feel like it had only been a month or so before I knew you completely. You try so hard to hide behind this persona you’ve created, but you’re so transparent to me. I see the beauty, the softness, and the character you’re so desperately trying to stifle…things you’re somehow mistaking for weakness and ugliness…

You try to pretend you’re indifferent. You say that you want to be like your friends…that you want to live that lifestyle (“if only I had a bit more self-confidence”). Do you really think this is what it’s going to take to make yourself feel better? By trying to hurt or use someone, everyone else? Is that the path to personal peace? I could try to tell you all of this, but I know that this is something you have to find out for yourself. It’s just painful to watch from a distance, and know that it’s going to take a considerable amount of time and more pain for you to understand that you’re chasing after the wrong dream.

But I will still be here. As much as you might want to think that I’m just another body you could toss around, in truth I know that your conscious won’t quite let you. And even if it could, you still have to consider my position:

You can’t hurt me. I never gave you that power over me. I never expected you to want to be with me, or to love me back. I am long past the days where I have some selfish need for you to “justify” my affection.

And you can’t take anything from me. Everything I’ve done, I’ve given to you freely.

I can’t say these disastrous three words to you. I know it would scare you. And, I know it would be meaningless until you figure it out for yourself.

******************************

For those of you who were fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to know me well enough to have been a reader of my personal blog, you may have seen me write about my perceived purpose in my life in regards to love.

The longer I live, and the more people and situations I run into, the more I’m becoming convinced that there’s not someone out there for me after all. This all goes back to a night my first year of college, when I was sitting in the BSU and listening to one of my friends talk about love.

There is no guarantee from God that there is “someone for everyone”. And, perhaps, some people’s purposes in life are to touch many lives, not just one. Maybe some people are meant to float in and out of lives to make small, barely perceptible differences in many, rather than a big difference in one.

Ok, fine, I can accept that. I know there are things much bigger in this life than me. Then why, then, this burning and sometimes overwhelming desire for love of my own that will not go away? I prayed for peace and for acceptance if this is to be my life, but I am still so painfully lonely.

I realize, now, that this pain and desire to be loved is what spawns the compassion that drives me to reach and love to so many people over and over again. I love so deeply, and so easily, because of my desperate wish to have had someone have felt that way towards me at those moments when I needed the most compassion and understanding.

I think the moment someone does love me might be the moment I would lose what makes me a good person.

The interesting part of all of this is how many of my friends seem to be at a similar crossroads in their lives as well. I’ve watched a lot of similar journal entries go up about the same feeling of hopelessness about love, along with a sudden lack of direction in our lives.

It all started in 5th grade. You know, when they let you take that test to see if you could move up to 6th grade math. So you did, and then in 6th grade you were taking 7th grade math, and so forth in 7th grade. Then, in 8th grade, not only are you taking algebra 1, but you’re also going to get high school credit for earth science and social studies. Then in 9th grade, the honors classes hit. In 10th grade, you take your first AP class so that you can start getting ready for college. In 11th and 12th grades, your plate is full with AP, IB, and dual enrollment classes, so by the time you roll out to your university, you’re already a college sophomore.

So you pack your classes some more. You join a few honor societies, you’re a double major, and you have a minor or two. Somewhere in your junior year it might hit you that you really don’t have to get a good grade in History of Drama and Theatre (“D is for diploma!”) because your future employers aren’t going to look at your GPA anyway. But you still work hard in everything else and graduate a year early, because it’s been ingrained in you since 5th grade that you have to work hard to get through this level so that you can get to the next one more quickly.

You’re out of college and in your first job, and the push for success intensifies. You move up through the ranks at that one, then switch to a better company a year or so later and do the same thing. Finally, you move to a new area, are working at the job you’ve been prepared for and think you’ve wanted since being a high school sophomore sitting in AP European History. Now you’re 23 - 25 years old.

Now what?

You put a little money into a new retirement fund. You think about going to the bar one week to see if you might meet someone new, even though in the past you rarely did. You wonder if you might make enough money in the next few months to take a short vacation this summer. And maybe you finally grasp the concept that at this rate you will more than likely be doing the same routine you did today every day for the next 50 years.

All this “hurry up and get to the next level” mentality was for what? Now that there is essentially no “next level”, we all feel directionless and lost. There’s no immediate goal to work on, no new management position to aspire to, no good grades to make. So a lot of us are indeed aimlessly grasping at attempts for love, direction and purpose in our lives.

This dissatisfaction seems so silly. Here I am, in a big city with plenty of opportunity, working the career I have pursued for so long. I get to sleep in, I get to dye my hair pink, and my career (that pays me reasonably well) consists of me listening to good music on a daily basis. I am shocked at my own feelings of disappointment now that I’m here doing what I had worked for and dreamed about for so long. And so many of my friends have had similar success in their own careers this past year…and like me, they’re all asking…now what?

If I figure it out, I’ll let you know. I hope you guys will do the same. But I have a feeling that the answer will come in loosing this “next level” mentality that has been ingrained in us since elementary school, and becoming content with the here and now, and not the inconstant future.

******************************

I’ve also noticed a growing trend in my life revolving around the men that I know. While my love life might have been dead and buried for quite some time, I’ve always felt on the flip side that I have some of the best friends in the world. I’ve always been surrounded by good, honorable, caring and understanding people throughout my life. It usually happens that most of my friends are male, and because of that I’m seeing a saddening reality among many of them: a complete and total lack of self-esteem and confidence in some of these guys that I consider to be some of the truest gentlemen I’ve ever known.

What is it about our society that convinces those men who are thoughtful, kind, honorable, respectable, hardworking, responsible, and loving that they are somehow slow, weak, ugly, stupid, scared, and unworthy of love?

I’ve known men who have always been respectful and caring, who have been responsible in their jobs and personal lives, and who work hard to achieve their goals. But, at the same time, they’ve been dragged down by meaningless details that have somehow convinced them that their one small perceived fault somehow negates everything wonderful about them. These “faults” usually have to do with appearance, be it weight-related or the dreaded “my penis is too small” mentality.

I’m watching several of my male friends in particular who are right now undermining their own relationships because of this. You don’t seem to gain much confidence or get much assurance from all the things you ARE doing right: you have a steady job, you have a house or at least your own place to live, you’re a good father (if applicable), you work hard to pursue your dreams, you’re financially responsible, you love your girlfriend/wife, you’re attentive to her needs, you support her career, you can make her laugh, you listen to her when she needs to talk about her day, you hold her when she cries, and you make personal sacrifices for a better future. You know, you're the walking definition of The Perfect Man.

But you’re convinced you’re not good enough for her and that she’s going to leave you because you’ve got love handles and you’re not a porn star in bed.

Based on my own personal (and to be totally honest, instinctual) tastes and needs, here’s some things you guys should all know. I know that the aesthetic (for this scene especially) is for everyone to be 6’10” and 110lbs. That might look good for a photographer’s portfolio, but it’s not attractive for a potential mate. I want my man to be a man; I want him to have the weight to cuddle me when I need comfort, to keep me warm when he holds me, to punch some guy’s lights out when I get harassed at the club, and to not make me feel fat by comparison. (I also don’t want to climb a tree just to kiss my guy, but that’s relative based on my own height.)

And in spite of the 200+ per day spam messages stating otherwise, size hasn’t mattered to any woman I’ve ever talked to. True pleasure comes from intimacy and love, not from a small bundle of nerves.

I say this now in hopes that a few people reading this might realize that the only thing that is wrong with you is the fact that you think everything is wrong with you. It’s a cycle, yes, but it’s in your control alone to stop it.

******************************

Now that this is all out in the open...now what?

March officially fucking sucks.

2007-03-25T19:56:00.000-04:00

Just got off the phone with Joe, with word that their RV broke down again and they won't be playing at Jaxx tomorrow night.

*slams head into keyboard*

My life is just not fair.

I think maybe I'm a better person than I thought.

2007-03-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

(Or maybe just earnestly praying to God quite a bit more often these days is helping.)

Anyways, I went up to Maryland on Monday to see P9 play. I hung out with the guys until they went on stage, then me and Joe just cuddled and talked and talked and talked after their set, which totally rocked. I wasn't scared, I wasn't hurt, I just wanted him to feel better. I guess I'm not so selfish after all.

God, I love him so much.

On the other side of things, remember that other guy I mentioned? Yeah, not so much:

"You're totally fucking with me, aren't you?"
"What? I fuck with all my female friends who don't have boyfriends..."

Whatever. We're still friends; I don't think he meant harm. But seriously...what is it with people these days who totally lead others on? I wasn't reading into this...he kissed me several times, so what was I supposed to think? What a waste of hope, eh?

In financial news, I am so broke it hurts. Not kidding. I have no idea how I'm gonna get through this next month.

But finally, that big news I've been mentioned has been confirmed: I'm a model for Coffin Cases. Rock!

Damn straight.

2007-03-15T21:13:00.000-04:00

From Em & Lo:

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You're smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it'll be like everyone's wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they're sober or sloshed.

And didn't two people I was hoping to hear from both just text me within an hour of each other? Yeah, I'm a pimp. Or something.

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "It's Always Easier"
www.psyclonnine.com

Matter over Mental

2007-03-13T00:14:00.000-04:00

So even though these past few weeks have been a little trying emotionally, I did indeed just have a few amazing things happen.

1) DTX7 (Cynergy 67's side project) is now officially on the RAM label as well.

2) I'm in final talks with another band about the RAM label, and it looks VERY promising.

3) Remember me mentioning back in January that I was trying for a new goal sometime around March? Well, I did it. And I've heard back positively so far. I can't be specific, but let's just say I'm doing a few more photoshoots than I had originally planned in the next few weeks.

Song of the Day:
Cynergy 67 - New Machine
www.cynergy67.net

In My Mind

2007-03-11T17:08:00.000-04:00

After some events of this last week, I at least figured out something substantial about myself.

I seem to tend to be pretty open about myself and my life (I don't have anything to hide; and if I've made mistakes I admit to them) but it usually unwillingly gets me into trouble as I have a tendency to be too open too fast when getting to know someone. I had sort of already figured this out, but still had a hard time keeping my mouth shut 100% of the time when I should have.

Why? Why isn't it logical for me to not say things that people don't want to know?

I'll tell you why, as I just figured this out. It's in my nature when someone is emotionally vulnerable to me (whether on purpose or on accident) it's my instinct to comfort, love, and try to help them. So if I'm dating or getting to know a guy and he tells me about his insecurities or his past hurts, that actually just makes me want to get closer to him, seeing that there's a need for affection and understanding.

Where as, apparently, most people instead feel threatened and undermined by someone's feeling about someone else, or issues in life that *might* detract from the potential new relationship.

I consider myself a very loyal and committed girlfriend. And just like I don't think the pursuit of a new relationship diminishes my feelings for previous lovers, I also don't feel that my past relationships and their remnants inhibit me from fully loving someone new. I also don't think any struggles I may have had in the past or even now are really that relevant to a relationship. These things made me, I am human, and this is a part of life.

I am a bit hurt from what happened this past year, and this weekend showed me that. And I'm sorry it happened that way. If I had known I was in pain like that, I would have been more cautious and slow. And it was bittersweet to know that what brought the pain to the surface was how good it felt to be touched and held so gently by someone else for the first time in quite awhile.

Appreciation

2007-03-07T00:27:00.000-05:00

It's been nice lately that instead of complaining about a lot of things, that instead I feel I have a lot to be thankful for.

First of all, I had a good conversation with my mom today. She told me she was proud of me. Anyone that's been reading along knows how much I needed to hear that.

I had a really great day at work. I got to do some foam carving today, which rocked. Hadn't done much of that since Utah.

So this guy I mentioned earlier has turned out to be pretty awesome. We spent some time together this weekend, just hanging out, going to the clubs, and then eventually bowling. Here are some notes about why he rocks so far (guys, take note):
1) He hasn't been shmarmy. Not once. It's been slow going, like he actually wants to get to know me.
2) He pays attention to the details.
3) He's affectionate and kind.
So, again, pretty early on in things, but I think it's pretty safe to say we'll at least be good friends. It's kinda nice for once not to jump head first into things (which I suppose I have tended to do lately).

On the flip side, I see someone else again here in less than two weeks now. I don't think I really realized how hurt I am that things didn't really work out in that area until this week. I've tried to take the high road and to give out my love and affection without regard to what I get in return; I don't want to be selfish. But I've known for awhile based on his own insecurities and low self-esteem that he'd never be able to return my feelings. So I know it's not me, or anything I've done or failed to do. But at the same time, I do need/want something...if I can't have it in him, then I should indeed have been looking elsewhere to begin with. I guess this past year I thought it would have been selfish, but I think now I'm realizing that it's just plain logical to be in a relationship with someone who is closer to an even ground with me, emotionally. I can be loving and affectionate...and there's nothing wrong with me wanting someone to feel that way about me in return.

Anyways, I should get some sleep since theoretically I work tomorrow morning. (We'll see what happens with the impending snow.)

...and we're back.

2007-02-25T16:49:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the theatre between shows, wondering if I'm going to be able to drive home in the ice tonight (probably not, which is why I brought my overnight bag...again...), so I figured now might be a good time to come back to the land of the living again.

Lot's of stuff has happened over the last month or so. Mainly good stuff, so that's nice. Here's the laundry list:

- I started DJing. Just for fun, not looking to really push a career with it or anything, though I would like to improve and learn how to do some good stuff. I debuted at Bound a few weeks ago, then played at Midnight last night. I think I'm doing pretty well, but still have a bit to go. Dave and Domi have been helping me a lot, and a whole slew of the other DJs in the scene have been really supportive. It's a nice feeling, and I do have to say I have a lot more respect for the DJs now that I understand more of the intricate details of the business. (Which, in essence, is partly why I wanted to learn...to make me a better promoter.)

- My first two label releases are out through RAM. Well, available for preorder, anyways. Cynergy 67's album is on it's way to me now, and I'll be sending the comp out to be pressed as soon as I get a night off.

- I'm doing Psyclon Nine's new website. A temp site is up now, with a more real thing coming soon. It's nice to be able to directly support my friends, even in a small way. And...that's a nice name to add to my resume.

- I really love my job at Strangeland. Even though I bitch playfully about being overworked and underpaid, I'm really happy and feel like I'm having some of the best times of my life. So thank you, Ryan & Joe.

- The Cruxshadows / Ayria / Angelspit meet-n-greet at SLR went pretty well. I wish more people had come out, but there still was a pretty steady influx of enthusiastic fans. The bands were all really nice, and they invited me and Ryan out to dinner afterwards. Oh yeah, that's right, I got to eat sushi with Rogue and you didn't.

- I met a boy. He's very cute. Too early to really say much else, I've just run into him a few times over the last few weeks, but he seems very nice so far. *smiles*

- I'm going to be in Salem on Monday night, and in Lynchburg on Tuesday afternoon.

Ok, off to buy some dinner before our next show...

Changes

2007-01-17T22:37:00.000-05:00

I guess I'll go ahead and update once in awhile even though this blog is now viewable to me only. Eventually I'll open it back up, and it seems that facebook is still importing it, so I suppose a few of you might still see this.

Lots of drama, not going into details. Things will calm down soon, I hope.

I am still sick. I have been sick since last Monday. This is getting rediculous. I'm feeling slightly better today, so I'm hoping to be well on my way to recovery by next week when I start back at Woolly.

Feeling kind of lonely and annoyed due to someone dropping off the face of the earth. I am not amused.

Other than that, all goes well with Strangeland and RAM.

Shut out.

2007-01-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

I wonder if anyone is ever going to love me.

Poster child for no caffeine.

2007-01-10T19:49:00.000-05:00

Do not drink soda. Just don't do it. It permanently weakens your tooth enamel, making for a lifetime of dental crap. *sigh* It actually wasn't too bad, other than the original scare of the first x-ray making it look like my entire right side of my jawbone was infected. Yeesh. The only thing unexpected other than the fillings I have to have replaced is that apparently my back molar cracked. Didn't hurt at all...until she pressed down on it. Ow.

In other news, I forgot to mention, but Domi is teaching me how to spin at Midnight this weekend. Rock.

Cyber Valdyr

2007-01-09T23:46:00.000-05:00

Larry sent out most of our pictures today:

More are up on myspace, dA, my model profiles, etc. It was so much fun. Makes me want to make my own falls from random stuff I have around here. And I may very well have the time to do it, since it appears I either have a very bad cold or a mild case of the flu. Either way, it's no fun. I started getting sick yesterday evening, and thought I just had some food poisoning. But it was so bad I had to call out from work both that night and this morning. Meh. I'm not feeling quite so sick now, but I still have a horrible sore throat. Which is lovely, since my dentist appointment is tomorrow morning. *sigh*

Hair falls of beautiful death...

2007-01-08T10:12:00.000-05:00

So me and Corrie got to do this rather last minute photoshoot with Larry for one of his friends who runs Darklocks.com. You know, those amazing synthetic hair extensions that scream cyber-industrial? It was a lot of fun; not only does this lady makes these falls, but she also carries a line of vinyl fashion, so we got totally gothed out. London was also around to do our make-up, so that was an extra bonus. So much fun, but wow, I have huge respect for those who wear those things for hours at a time. They hurt! Carrying around massive amounts of plastic, vinyl, and metal on your head is not fun!

I can't WAIT to see these pictures.

Urbex: The Beginning

2007-01-05T19:34:00.000-05:00

So after running around this morning doing errands, I thought, ok...let's do it. I grabbed my camera and some extra batteries, and down to the railroad tracks I went. During my time sifting through the UER website, I had seen suggestions about how to find good abandoned locations: one was "follow the railroad tracks" and the other was use Google Earth to find locations by air. So, according to Google Earth, there looked like there might be some places down by the railroad tracks around what was once Ashburn station long before NoVA swallowed it up. Conveniently enough, the old railroad bed has been turned into a bike trail, so no worries about 'needing a reason' to be there. Sounds like a perfect plan, but alas, none of the hopeful buildings turned out to be worth it. There are indeed a handful of old homes / warehouses along the trail, but all of them are occupied still. Oh well...it at least gave me my workout for the day.

As I got back to my car, rather disappointed, I thought, fuck it...I'm gonna take a chance. Both me and Corrie had noticed an abandoned house right on Belmont Ridge while driving. Definitely abandoned, but right out in plain view (which was what had been deterring me from going over). So I went ahead and drove by. I as I approached the house, there was no traffic in either direction, so I pulled right on in. AND, bonus! The land had been cleared away around the house, and there was a big "For Sale" sign up now, so perfect excuse if I was stopped: obviously, I was looking to buy some property, eh? (Minus the fact that I have pink hair and look like a teenager in my band hoodie and steeltoed boots.)

Anyways, I pull around back, get out and snap a few outside pictures before disappearing out of public view and into the house. Really freaking cool! Untouched by vandals, though mostly cleared out. Still, the appliances were still intact, and there were a few neat objects around, most notable a very nice ornate mirror as well as some unknown mechanical object lying in the middle of the floor. Also some expected paint peels galore, along with some neat woodwork around one of the staircases. I didn't try getting up to the second level, nor did I stick around too long since I didn't want to push my luck, but I managed to take a few dozen pictures, four of which I've deemed viewable.

So here's the ever essential paint peeling picture, along with a picture of the outside of the house, the kitchen stove, and the non-itentified mechanical piece in the middle of the floor. Fun times.

I definitely enjoyed this. I think I may snoop around Leesburg and Purcellville next week one day and see what I can find. It also makes me itchy to go back home and hit the things I know of...like that abandoned cabin behind my old house in Lynchburg, along with the N&W train trussel. Not to mention the Hotel...I know that if my buddies in Security still work there, I could get pictures that only others could dream about...

CD artwork, theatre, and urban exploration.

2007-01-04T00:33:00.000-05:00

I had a photoshoot with Vincent today for the cover art for Cynergy 67's re-release, so that was a lot of fun. Should get an update on the progress tomorrow. If it turns out how I want, it's going to rock. We're doing a disassembled android theme, so basically I'm in pieces in a pile on the floor. Will be very cool if the intense photoshopping pays off.

I spent Monday and Tuesday back up at Shakespeare for load-in. It was pretty crazy and lots of rushing, but it was nice to see those guys again and be physically active for a bit. Still, makes me appreciate how happy I am with things in my life right now.

Finally, over the last few weeks I have been searching for a new hobby, since music is now officially my career and no longer what I do "on-the-side". I think I found the answer: urban exploration. You know, crawling into abandoned buildings and taking pictures. So, I'm gonna make my first attempt sometime this weekend or next around here, and then I plan on scouting out DC a bit while I'm in town for the show I'm op'ing. As far as I can tell DC is considered to be a dry scene for this sort of thing, but I can't imagine that being true. Sounds like a challenge for me.

constipate modesty cowbird

2006-12-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

...was the title of the latest piece of spam in my inbox. I just couldn't pass that one up.

So things are indeed picking up. I talked to Marius for awhile last night and we agreed on doing a limited re-release of their last album. Should be a lot of fun...going to autograph and individually number them. And...I had a kickass idea for the cover art, and as a bonus, it means I get to be the model. So I'm talking to Vincent Knaus about it, and should hopefully shoot it late next week. If all goes well, this should be pressed by the end of January.

AND, I'm finalizing the compilation album now. Been waiting long enough. I don't have a completely full disk, but I need to get it out and move on. I doubt I'll do another comp for awhile since this has been a lot more difficult to plan than I had hoped. But, we'll see what happens.

Apparently, myspace has upped their photo limit. Alllriiight.

dA

2006-12-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

I spent part of my evening diving deep into deviantArt. It was a lot of fun. I think I want to get a new camera and start taking pictures of abandoned buildings...those have been my favorite pictures so far. I also spent some time working on some ideas for some new photo shoots.

Anyways, I better head to bed. I have a lot of work I want to get done tomorrow, and I'm planning on going to the thrift store for a bit to find some new clothes/accessories for my new modelling ideas. Then I'm supposed to meet up with Jacob for dinner. Should be a good day.

In conclusion, I'm worried about someone.

Christmas Tidings

2006-12-25T17:02:00.000-05:00

So what do you do when you find out that one of the reasons your family doesn't want your cousin's child with her ex-husband is because he's actually not the father and doesn't know it?

Choosing what is right over what is easy...

As much as you may try to forget, your roots are what you got...

2006-12-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

So I just had one of the best nights in a very long time.

I got home and it was business as usual. I wonder if my parents realize that I actually would come home more often if I wasn't convinced that I was just setting myself up for redicule and discouragement everytime I come into town.

Anyways, after about 3 hours of that, I was gladly accepting David's invitation to hang out. I had talked to him earlier when he mentioned he was also struggling with being at home, so we went out to AA's for awhile tonight to catch up. It was awesome seeing him again. He's doing so many cool things, and is pursuing a career he really enjoys. I have nothing but respect for that.

More interestingly, his career is in counseling. So I think, hey, why not...I'm gonna tell him about my current concerns and see what happens. It was probably the best thing I could have done; he wasn't trying to give me advice or tell me what I should do...he simply listened and help facilitate my decision. He helped me realize I already knew what I had to do, and that I had already made my decision. I just had to talk it out and make it real. I know...I know what's best now. I think it was cool for him too, since I told him afterwards that I really appreciated his conversation...I think in a way it helped validate what he's trying to do, both as a career field and as his way of helping people he cares about it. I was just a really good, definitive night.

In the meantime, Dana's mom was out with some of her friends, so she came over for awhile. She's so cool...and it really meant a lot for her to tell me how proud she was of me, and how she supported what I was doing. I really needed that after the constant barrage of "when are you going to go to grad school for something else?" and "when are you going to dye your hair back to something respectable so that you don't scare your future husband away?". Yeah. I really did need some acceptance and approval, no matter how independent I choose to be. It just helps.

Anyways...things are cool. I'm at peace. Moving on.

The Year in Review (because everyone else is)

2006-12-23T11:52:00.000-05:00

Sure, ok, I'll follow suit and write a nostalgic blog entry about this past year. Because, honestly, I have every reason to, seeing that for the first time, this is going to be about what I DID do, and not what I'm PLANNING to do.

So here I am. I'm in the nation's capitol doing music promotion fulltime. In six days it will be exactly a year since I moved. Goal acheived.

What next? As stated in my previous blog entry, I've been thinking about what to go after now that my main focus has come to completion. Well, I think the next step is to back off of shows a little bit (still doing small-medium sized shows about once a month, but staying away from large projects for now) and to get my label/distro up and moving again. I'm going to spend the next few days while I'm back home for Christmas on finalizing the line-up for the comp album and getting contracts out to everyone. Then, hopefully, it should be pressed and available in January. I'm on the lookout for some new talent, less specifically as a Supported Artist, and more for the label in general. I want to expand my company in that direction next year.

Personally, this past year was odd for me, but in a good way. I moved here for my business, and for the most part followed through on that, though it took a couple of shake-ups for me to really keep that promise to myself. After the incident with Sean, however horrible that was, it basically let me shut that aspect of myself down for the first time in, well, ever, and let me be myself and alone for an extended period of time. Sure, I got a few crushes along the way, but I stayed focused on what I needed to do to survive and grow, and it paid off.

I'm finding that the longer I'm single, the more picky I've become about any future prospects in a man, based on both my outside observations of the relationships around me, and on an extended look back at my previous relationships over the past few years. It's funny, though kinda horrifying, to look back and wonder, "Why the hell did I go out with that guy?" All those "little" things at the time that I overlooked, which now would almost immediately rule anyone out of the running.

So, like my roommate, here's THE LIST. You wanna be my boyfriend? Here's what you need to know...

I want a guy who...
...first and foremost, has good self-esteem. Everyone has some insecurities, but if most of our conversations entail how you think you're too fat, your penis is too small, you don't perform well, you're too dumb to find a better job, you're afraid of the future, and you can't understand why I like you, then you do need to spend some time to learn to love yourself before you could ever learn to love me. And I admit, this is going to be a tough measure for me, as I've found it's my nature to try to comfort those who suffer with this.
...equally importantly, has a clear direction for his life. This doesn't mean it has to be THE direction...just have some important goals that you are actively pursuing. This is the key component for my respect of you.
...will help me when I need help and treat me like a lady, but at the same time respects my job and my own strengths and abilities to do stuff myself. I want a man who is confident enough in his career and in himself to admire and be proud of who I am, without feeling like I'm threatening his manhood.
...is again secure enough in himself to allow himself to be emotionally open with me, both privately and in public
...is comfortable with and specifically looking for a committed, one-on-one relationship
...is in a situation in life where he is able to fully take care of himself. He must have a place to live, a car, a job, and is financially responsible.
...is completely honest with me, and does not in any way attempt to be emotionally manipulative.
...is understanding of my crazy schedule, as well as my need to hang out with my friends and have some "me" time
...would be cool, supportive, and trusting if I have to go out of town on a business trip or on tour.
...likes to have fun, maybe have a few drinks, but doesn't smoke or do drugs.
...can appreciate my hobbies and tastes, but doesn't force his on me, nor attempt to do everything that I do or pretend to like everything that I like. At the same time, is passionate in his own tastes, and can introduce me to new people and things.
...has at least some basic understanding of the entertainment industry, and can listen to me and empathize when I'm both excited or frustrated with my career.
...will always try to make me comfortable, be it letting me sleep in his bed, giving me his sweatshirt, holding my hand, cuddling, etc.
...is intelligent.
...has a kick-ass sense of humor.
...is on the whole optimistic about life.
...has faith in both God and love.
...has no issues with my skin allergy.

I'm done messing around and wasting my time. I may not be perfect, but these are no less than what I would give.

So, bring it on, 2007.

Now what?

2006-12-17T13:13:00.000-05:00

That's a common question in most aspects of my life at the moment. I've been in DC for a year...now what? I'm doing music promotion fulltime...now what? I met an amazing man but need to move on...now what? I am looking forward to 2007, but I have no real idea what to expect with either my career or my personal life. Maybe that's a good thing.

The show on Friday went reasonably well, though I'm surprised such a well-known venue has (in some areas) such lousy support staff. Met some cool people, made some money. In the end, I can't complain.

I'm taking a break at the moment to eat some lunch and update this before going back to preparing for today's street team meeting. So, yes, it seems I can finally eat again. I'm still feeling weak, but hopefully that'll improve over the next few days.

I don't really have anything to do this week other than work on SLRs pre-Xmas promotion, so that's nice. Oh, and shopping...I haven't really done much at all, aside from Corrie's super awesome birthday/xmas combo gift. Hehehehe.

When I'm not sick, I'm pretty.

2006-12-13T00:53:00.000-05:00

Ok, so whatever this damn stomach flu thing is that's going around, it apparently is going to make me sick after everytime I eat. Bleh. So again, I was worthless this evening, all because I was silly and actually wanted to eat dinner. Oi.

In any case, I got my new pics back from my shoot with Don the other week, and they were indeed awesome:

My shoot with Conch Photography went well, too! He sent me proofs a little while ago, which just goes to prove that doing something wonky can actually produce good results:

More can be found on my ModelPlace account...because ModelMayhem currently sucks and has had their pic uploader down for over a day...boo.

Work for SLR is going well. I got a fair number of responses already from labels I had contacted about in store promo opps, so that's really encouraging. I spent most of the evening replying to emails, etc. Did I mention I love my job?

If I wanted drama...

2006-12-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

...I would have stayed in theatre.

I don't know what's going around these days, but people are going crazy all around me. Just a few thoughts...

1) If you have professional disagreements with someone, going after their personal life is probably more than likely just going to come back to haunt you in the end. And...no one cares.

2) Bands who use excessive amounts of feedback while "jamming": it's not cool, it's not artistic, nor does it cover up the fact that you can't fret well.

3) Blaming all your problems via racism is probably the dumbest idea of all time.

4) Deciding several years after our relationship is over that suddenly now we can't be friends anymore is just, well...what? Do you really have to justify your current situation in life by attempting to destroy the past?

5) Either put it all out there to win, or keep it private to be safe. Don't half-ass it, because you won't get either.

I'm still feeling sick, bleh. Hopefully, I'll get over it soon.

Going to be a busy week. I'm working at SLR most of tomorrow, then Tuesday I have a photoshoot and then will be going to Schadey that evening. (Really this time.) Wednesday I have another shoot, whee, then Thursday I work at SLR then some overhire at IBC. Friday is my uberawesome show at Jaxx, and then Saturday, more overhire at IBC. Next week should be considerably less dramatic...I hope...

The 104 Returns

2006-12-09T23:25:00.000-05:00

If you haven't, you should check out The 104. Your best source for witty entertainment, wine reviews, silly comics, crazy antics, and more.

So I think these last few weeks have caught up with me; not feeling too well so I stayed home today. I have to work at the store tomorrow and Monday anyways. Still really enjoying the job. Starting to get a bit of feedback I think from my efforts, so that's encouraging. I really want this to work out, for all of our sakes.

Me and Corrie decided to have Thai food delivered, which was awesome.

If you're not busy this Friday, please come out to the Rites of Ash / Heretics In The Lab show. Presale tix are only $5, and it's my first show at Jaxx. It's a very big deal that we get a good crowd! Come on...you know you love me...

Feeling kinda lonely. But just a little bit. This week was kind of a realization of the reality of my situation. And you know, it's ok. If things can't work out the way I want them to, it's better for it to be because of outside circumstances and not because I got hurt or was disappointed. But...yeah...on these cold nights, I wish I had someone here with me.

It still is wierd for me being single for so long. Especially over the past few months, when I was reflecting back on the past year. So much is different now.

I really honestly wonder if I'll ever find love.

And maybe, finally, it doesn't really matter anymore.

Make-up vs. Machine

2006-12-06T00:31:00.000-05:00

You know you've been spending too much time modeling when you see an ad on craigslist asking for a "MAC expert" and you think of make-up before you think of a computer. Seriously, what happened to me?

Speaking of make-up, me and Corrie did a VERY last minute Mary Kay makeover/photoshoot tonight. She had gone over to put our rent in the box, and got snagged by a few ladies about doing a sitting. So she ran back and grabbed me, and off we went. The make-up was fun, but far too expensive. And those poor ladies had no idea what to do with my hair. Hehe...I love it.

The photographer was nice, so we'll see how it turns out. He had actually recognized me and Corrie from MP, so that was pretty cool.

To backtrack, my party at Strangeland was awesome! 51 Peg was amazing as always, and Liebchen, Cheetahdave, Sexpot, and Kangal all did some great sets. I got a great pic of me and the band too, but I have to figure out how to get it off my phone. Rites of Ash did a good job at Midnight on Saturday as well. The crowd seemed to like them, so I hope their show with HITL goes well next week, too.

To finish of the weekend of live events, the instore at Strangeland with Leaves' Eyes was really cool, though shortlived. They changed times over at Jaxx at the last minute, so the band could only come out for a few minutes. But they were really nice, we had a few people over, and I went ahead and got me a CD signed too. They're kind of a softer version of Nightwish, though I think the vocals are better. I dig it.

Work at Strangeland is going well. I can't remember if there's ever been another time in my life when I've woken up in the morning and actually looked forward to starting to work. Of course, the fact that most of my work gets done while I'm in bed drinking a glass of wine really helps.

You might be expecting me to say something about the entire string now of P9 show fiascos. I'm won't, so stop asking.

I'm also finding that being a fulltime music promoter means that you are always on call. You never know who is going to call you when after some random stroke of luck of running into such-and-such band member while having a few drinks at some bar at 3am last night. Gah. Going to take some getting used to.

Finally, I'm still wavering a bit on whether not to go to Pittsburgh tomorrow night. Please advise.

:-)

2006-12-01T01:02:00.000-05:00

Tonight was so wierd.

So...to make a VERY long story short, the band ended up cancelling the show tonight. It was a pretty wretched situation all around, and no one person's fault, really. Just a lot of bad little situations that all added up in the end.

Anyways, well, I guess for me it ended up being ok. I fed the band (a very late) dinner, and hung out with them for awhile. So that was really cool. And, to not to go into too much detail in public, I'm feeling pretty confident again. :-)

I think things are ok now.

Tomorrow: 51 Peg!

Anxious again...

2006-11-30T00:08:00.000-05:00

Not really sure what to expect at this point. Things have been wierd. Ever since I've gotten home it's been nothing but silence with a few bits of coldness. I'm hoping it's just typical tour burn-out...but I'm uneasy. I'm not even looking forward to this tomorrow anymore. I can't believe I volunteered to cook dinner for 8 people.

This weekend is so good for me career-wise, but so draining personally. I keep forgetting that it's my birthday, in fact. I think once I get to SLR on Friday I'll feel more at ease, but right now...I wish I could just get really drunk and sleep this one off.

The last few days have been absurd. Both in good and bad ways. I ended up working with Larry from RoA about a show he's doing at Jaxx. A) I got HITL on the bill and B) we ended up meeting Jay randomly for drinks that night. So a lot of good stuff coming our way. But of course, it wouldn't be a goth show without some drama thrown in. Oi.

SLR is also hosting a last minute in-store with Leaves' Eyes on Monday, so that should be awesome. Monday is also when I start working with them fulltime, so I'm looking forward to that.

Though I have to say it's kinda crazy...I am doing music promotion fulltime. I am actually doing...it. This is what I came for.

And yet, I feel hollow.

I mentioned it to Ryan the other day, actually. It's strange because honestly and realistically - this wasn't supposed to work. Dreams don't come true, right? Wasn't I supposed to fail? On one hand, yes of course I'm thrilled and proud...but on the other hand...what happens now?

Maybe it's because Christmas is coming up, and I'm still alone. Maybe because it's my birthday, and it reminds me I've gone another year with so little love in my life. I'm just starting to feel like I've hit a dead end at this point.

I guess it's strange, because for the first time in my life, maybe I can both HAVE the successful career and love at the same time.

PS - Thank you big brother for the present! I opened it and thought...yep...that's from Jeremiah...only he will buy me an awesome new knife every year! :-D

Just another picture

2006-11-25T13:47:00.000-05:00

Me running merch for P9 after having a bit too much bacardi.

a beautiful rockstar and not enough sleep...

2006-11-23T21:19:00.000-05:00

Hotel rooms for the entire tour ensemble: $190
Gas: $73
Bar tab: $16
Picture with a cute rockstar when no one got any sleep or bothered to put on make-up: priceless

So the drive to Nashville may have been one of the worst drives of my life. It took longer than expected, and all I could think to do was pray that a) I'd make it to the venue on time, and b) that my car wouldn't decide to die again before I got there.

I got to the venue right at 8pm. Two blocks before I got there, my car starting making this god-awful grinding noise. Wierd.

Anyways, the Exit/In was pretty cool, and I got to hang with Joe for quite awhile before the show. Their merch girl wasn't feeling well, so I stood in at the last minute for her. Kinda bummed that I couldn't go rock out in front, but hey, I'll help my friends out. The show was awesome - the new stuff sounds so amazing live. I got to meet Marshall and the guys from Columbine, and that was cool. Only got to talk to Fil for a moment, but he was sweet as usual. Things got a little crazy that night (including several trips to the ER, oi), but we finally made it back to our hotel rooms late in the morning, so I got to spend some quality time getting to know someone very special...and to miss out on having to spend time with my family, lol.

So I'm snuggled up in my new Psyclon Nine hoodie, looking forward to Thursday.

Insecurities

2006-11-20T13:41:00.000-05:00

It was like it was yesterday when I was thinking, "Goddammit, I have to wait another two months." And now, it's the day after tomorrow. I try not to get so caught up in these type of things, but it's like some glorious and romantic saga that's preoccupied me for most of the last week or so. It's been eight months. I've been waiting eight months for this.

And true to myself, all my insecurities are surfacing in these last few days. Maybe I should have gone to the gym a bit more often. I wish I could have gotten to the doctor to have my skin fixed up. I probably should wear a different dress.

But thanks to something I just read on Joe's blog, I feel a bit better. I hope that there are enough good things about me that these small failings don't amount to much.

I still don't quite grasp where the point of failure is for me between having friends and having a relationship. For almost all of my life I have had no issue finding and keeping some amazing friends. But as for my relationships...heh...just read my archives. All I can think of is that I can hide a lot of these insecurities well from my friends, but not so much with someone I'm falling in love with. Maybe because of the physical intimacy.

Or maybe because, for once, I'd like to show you who I really am and be loved for that...and not because of what I pretend to be.

Anyways, this weekend was the weekend of photoshoots. I was so glad to be out of that job that I wanted to enjoy myself fully. So I met up with Eye of Ra photography on Friday. He's fairly new with this and hasn't worked much outside of family and friends, but we got a few good pics. We went over to Lake Fairfax park and did some stuff there: gothic stuff in the woods, and then on the bridge and by the lake.

Saturday I did a shoot with a MUA up in Baltimore. She was really nice, and the photographer was amazing! Unfortunately my cd didn't burn right so I don't have the images quite yet, but what I saw on the computer was really cool. I'm gonna go back up and work with him soon.

Last night was my second shoot with Don, and it was sooooooo awesome. He did a pretty good job the first time, but damn, this time it was just on. I did a cool industrial outfit first, then we worked on his mask project. I got a little more free and creative with my make-up job, and they came out soo much better than the first round I did with him. I also worked on his leg project a bit again too, since I had gotten some new shoes and theigh-highs since last time. Afterwards we ordered out Chinese, had some wine, and chilled out in his hot tub. It was awesome. He also ended up giving me a load of free make-up that his supplier had sent him. Like, probably $100 worth. Rock.

Anyways...off to the store to pick up a few things for this week, and then over to SLR for a meeting. Tonight I need to clean up around here a little bit more before I head on home...

Orkus

2006-11-17T18:55:00.000-05:00

So I get to spend some quality time with these guys next week...

*hearts*

Get back to your CDs.

2006-11-16T12:32:00.000-05:00

As a music promoter, it would be absurd to think that I could just walk into a club and go up to the booth and start DJing without either a) having the training, or b) being on staff. So why, as a DJ, do you think it's ok to offer a band a gig at my club when not only do you have no say over booking, but you don't even resident there?

Seriously. I just had a rather uncomfortable discussion with a band who apparently had been told they'd be playing at one of the clubs I work for by someone who is not even on staff.

Now, there's nothing wrong with pitching a band to me. And there's nothing wrong with letting a band know about a club you like to play it. But to go so far as to say "Oh, yeah, I know those guys, and I'll get you next month's gig" is way over the top.

The logic evades, apparently.

Cut and run.

2006-11-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just get so sick of everything. It makes me want to pull a "Utah" again.

10 days...

2006-11-12T23:10:00.000-05:00

...and things could indeed be quite nice.

The show was amazing last night. I'll have to write more later, but things are going well...

Like I was raised from the dead...

2006-11-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

I finally dyed my hair back to pink. I feel like me again.

First and foremost, if you haven't heard, 51 Peg is playing at Midnight tomorrow night! It's gonna be awesome, because 51 Peg is always awesome.

On Tuesday I get to see Gage again, yay! We're all going over to Woolly for the Barbizon trade show, so that's gonna be awesome.

Later on next week, I've got to start getting ready. Figured I'd treat myself to a new dress. Gotta impress someone cute. :-)

Lve (Missing Space)

2006-11-07T21:22:00.000-05:00

Pulled away and torn asunder
Until it's not quite you
An aching void that you can't see
But it haunts you, it haunts you

Won't presume to change your mind
But I hope, I hope
Fear cast away, you can trust my eyes
Let it go...and find me

I can feel it, I can feel it
I am that missing space
Can you, do you know you're
Lost without an embrace?

- 7 Nov 2006, LEH

I voted. Did you?

2006-11-07T12:01:00.000-05:00

*stretch* 'Twas an early morning...I had agreed last week to do the morning shift at the polls, thinking I would have to work today, so I was at the local elementary school by 6am putting signs into the frozen ground in the dark, and passing out Libertarian flyers to all those who like to vote before going to work.

It was a lot of fun. The other propagandaists (I mean, face it, what are we, really?) from the Republican and Democratic parties were really really nice. In fact, the Republicans brought a container of coffee for everyone. I had lots of fun talking to them all, both about politics and other issues. In fact, one of the guys has a son in a band, so me and him swapped emails about my business, etc. I think the really interesting thing was the fact that all of us were much more moderate than typical party lines. In fact, we all agreed on a lot of issues. So it's neat to see what the subtle nuances are that led us to align ourselves with our various parties.

I may go back out for a few hours later tonight to hit the last rush of people coming by after work, since I have to go back anyways to pick up the signs. I just hope it doesn't start raining before then.

For a complete change in topic, hottest picture ever:
clicky to save bandwidth
Tour picture taken by Sickotik Photography, Psyclon Nine's promo photographer. Dammit. Only two more weeks, but it's driving me crazy!

Song of the Day:
Fluffy Starr - "Unspeakable"
www.fluffystarr.com

When I say "No", you hear "Try again tomorrow".

2006-11-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

Or so says the words of wisdom I got via myspace bulletin the other day. This is kind of a wierd post...I'm not really sure how to write this without coming across as vain - aside from me saying that this is just an observation and not a "God, I'm just so hot!" post.

My life is usually living proof of Murphy's Law, and in the realm of relationships, it's no different. When I'm alone, unhappy, and looking for someone, there is no one in sight. But if I'm in a relationship, or single and not looking, guys are oozing out of the woodwork. These past few months have been one of the first times in quite awhile where I've been single and perfectly fine of being so. But unfortunately, I've seemed to have picked up a few lonely hearts along the way, and to be honest...it's getting old.

So here's a question to all of my guy friends - why, when you finally get the courage to directly ask a girl out, and she turns you down and says both that she's not interested in you like that AND that her feelings are elsewhere, do you just hear "try again tomorrow"? I mean, there's nothing wrong with having goals or being persistant...but if I've constantly turned you down for dates as well as let you know in specific terms that I'm pursuing someone completely different...it's just a little rediculous.

I don't wanna lose my friends, but goddammit you guys are driving me nuts. I mean, yes, I'm flattered, thank you...but damn, seriously? Let it go. And stop stalking my myspace.

Drambuie

2006-11-03T19:44:00.000-05:00

...is awesome. My friend Derek used to drink it, and when I went to the ABC store tonight for something to nip the cold weather, I figured I'd buy a bottle. I definitely had forgotten how nice it was. Like a spicy, warmer, less bitter version of licorice. I don't like licorice, but I like this stuff.

Anyways, the "Oh My Goth!" drama continues. I think I figured out a basic underlying reason for a lot of the unexpected drama I ran into once I moved up here. I had been thinking earlier, "Why is there so much more crap in the music industry here than the theatre realm?" Of course, their are exceptions to everything, but it hit me that in theatre up here (for the most part) everyone is a trained professional. We went to school for it. It's a business. You have to prove your worth to continue working.

Also, we tend to not drink at work, which helps keep that slight veneer of society around us.

In any case, in the scene of underground rock (at least, apparently, in goth/industrial) most of the people involved are fans that decided to become more than fans. And hey, that kind of caring and effort is awesome, don't get me wrong. But I haven't really met many people who went to school for music business, worked for a bigger company, etc. So, in a lot of cases, since this started out as a hobby for most people, they don't have the personal detachment that I learned (the very hard way) from theatre. So everytime someone makes a business move, somehow everyone gets their feelings hurt as if it were a direct attack on them, and not just the game of the business.

I dunno. I'm long past the days where if people don't come out to my shows, I would take it as a personal hit against myself. Hey, maybe people just didn't want to see the band? Hey, maybe they had something else to do tonight? Hey, maybe people just have varied tastes and don't happen to like or agree with you on every single detail?

There are some really awesome promoters, DJs, and bands in this area. People who are good at what they do, carry themselves in a professional manner, and are considerate to the people they work with. And those are the people that make this all worth while. And those are the people who, in the end, will be the ones left standing.

As far as things on the homefront go, there is much more drama back home. My cousin, who...in the most delicate way I can put it...is a total fuck-up, has landed herself in jail again. I won't go into the details, but there may be a custody battle for her daughter. And I think my cousin's ex-husband should get her, which is contrary to everyone else's opinion. But I know John, and his wife Amy. They're good people. They have a nice house, he has a good job, health insurance, etc. He really loves his kid. So...I dunno...I may honestly get disowned for this one if I throw my cards to his side.

...on a final note, is it the end of November yet? Why don't I have a beautiful rockstar cuddled up with me yet?

Oh, and Lance just told me he got married. FTW.

Song of the Day:
Fluffy Starr - "Diffikult Grrl"
www.fluffystarr.com

Why is the sun always in that spot that neither visor covers?

2006-11-02T21:56:00.000-05:00

Just a random thought on my way in to work this morning.

Anyways, I was right...work got awkward. I came in on Tuesday and I knew right away these next two weeks would suck. I guess my boss went into "Oh my god, what am I gonna do now!?!?!" mode and decided we need to get about two months of work done before I leave. Kind of a shame that he didn't have this motivation to make our department more productive beforehand. Kinda.

So we've been hanging pipes, installing sound systems, rewiring rooms, etc. for the last few days. However, on Tuesday, he took us out for lunch. At a really nice restaurant. And the grovelling begins.

I mean, it was nice for me and Jared to be able to really lay it out on the line about what's going on. And to get a steak dinner on top of it. And, I won't lie, it is nice to know I'm wanted. But I am so done, and it's only been 3 days and way too many people have asked me to stay.

Why? Why do you want me here when before all you could say to me was some disparaging comment about my hair, my belt, my shoes, and my culture?

*sigh* Anyways, it seems though that in the end, maybe this was what it's all about. It took my resignation for people to listen. Maybe...maybe at least one person will wake-up and realize that if Jesus were here, he'd probably be kicking back and having a beer with me and asking me how my day was...not worrying about the social acceptance value of my pink hair.

(No, it's not pink yet. But I have the dye. It's sitting on the counter. It's calling my name...)

Sometimes I wonder if Goth = LJ Drama

2006-10-30T23:22:00.000-05:00

Anyone in the scene knows what I'm talking about. Oi.

Anyways, man...so I did end up giving my notice on Sunday. It was kinda sad. I guess to backtrack, I got NO sleep on Saturday night. Jeremiah came down for the Halloween party / Psyclon Nine release party. It went well on one end of things...we had a HUGE crowd come out, but unfortunately, I didn't sell a single copy. Sold a couple of other albums, but that was it. I did hear that Metro sold out though, so maybe I can pop these up on eBay real quick (if Ryan doesn't want them first) and see what happens.

In the meantime, one of my friends got sick, so I had to take her to the hospital. Crazy times indeed. The short story is, we left the venue finally, and got home about the time I would have needed to get up to go to work.

Anyways, I ran main services on my own, and surprisingly had no real issues. My boss' boss came up to me afterwards and told me what a great job I was doing, how happy he was I was there, etc., so I eventually had to sadly cut him off and tell him I was leaving. Awkward... Finally got to talk to Tim at the end and told him. I do feel bad in a way. He's a good guy, and most of my issues aren't his fault. Anyways, I told him I'd be available for overhire in the meantime, so I can at least sorta help them out...

But I think in the end I really did make the right decision. Me, Corrie, and Vince went out last night, and as I sat back and ate my steak (since, as I told Corrie, I've gotta wait another three weeks before I can get the real meat I'm craving - giggidy!), I just felt all the stress melt away. Yes, I think the pay cut is worth it. Then, I also may have another job opportunity that is MUCH more to my liking, so hopefully that will work itself out in the next few weeks. If it happens, well...I'll be doing music fulltime, and my life will essentially be complete.

I accidentally talked to Filip last night whilst texting Joe, so that was cool. I can't wait to see those guys again. I think me and Sydney might be going shopping sometime this week too, so that'd be awesome. I can also start doing some photoshoots again soon, now that I can actually plan my schedule. I can even go visit Colleen in Ohio now. Allllriiiiiiiiight.

On that note, I guess I better get some sleep. Work will probably be annoyingly awkward tomorrow.

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "Flesh Harvest"
www.psyclonnine.com

Option 2 and 1/2

2006-10-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

Well, it's not my magical third option, but it's the lesser of two evils.

I'm giving my notice on Sunday. I'm so done.

The good thing is that I had been relatively smart about this whole ordeal. I still have my private health insurance, and I still have a contract with Woolly for a show in January. So I can take care of myself and work. And honestly, I thought from the beginning that I may not stick this out past December...so middle of November isn't really too bad, in the end.

And I can't wait to dye my hair back to pink.

It's not going to be perfect. But I gotta do what I came here for. Maybe...just maybe having the time to get this comp album out will get the ball rolling in quite a different direction.

I think I must've made the right decision too...when I opened up my last resignation letter to edit it for this job...I noticed that I had written that one exactly one year ago today.

Crossroads.

2006-10-25T10:50:00.000-04:00

Everything always happens at once, you know. I woke up this morning to find that Alchemy, DC's largest goth/industrial club, is shutting down after Halloween. Earlier this week, Midian has shrunken down to a once a month event.

Both events were fun, and I'm really going to miss them. But it's not hard to see why this happened. I have a lot of respect for those involved with both clubs, but I really credit the locations of the venues as the ruining of the events. I'm one of the guilty parties who didn't go out enough. But it's really difficult to support the scene when it meant spending close to an hour trying to find parking at Midian - and even then that being roughtly 10 blocks away. And it was hard going to Alchemy when I knew there was an extremely good chance my car would get broken into. It is simply easier to go to Midnight when I can park a block away and not worry about who might pass me on the sidewalk or what might get slipped into my drink.

So I guess we'll see what happens from here.

The other depressing aspect to all of this is that I can only assume that the Psyclon Nine show is now cancelled. I guess we'll see. They have two other tour dates somewhat close by...but they're on Saturdays...and I have to work Sunday mornings. Somehow I'm not sure if I can pull off that 6 hour drive from Ohio at 2am anymore.

Which brings me to the next part. I hate my job. I hate having to suck it up and stop doing what I came here to do just for the money. That's what this was all about, right? I took this job because it payed well. I fucking sold out, and I knew it.

I'm beginning to realize that no matter what I do, I'm going to lose. I can go back to freelancing and do more music stuff and be 'happy' (and have to worry about whether or not I can afford to eat that week) or I can work here and have my Starbucks every morning (and try to content myself with tour pictures).

I'm looking for the third alternative.

It's Always Easier

2006-10-23T00:16:00.000-04:00

It's always easier
to close your eyes
It's always easier
to live a lie...
- Psyclon Nine, -hidden track-

Still can't get enough of CTF. Such a good album! And I'm not just saying that because I think the guitarist is cute. It's definitely by far their best album...it really defines goth/industrial. This hidden track actually reminds me strongly of Eye Butterfly's "A Face In The Crowd" so I'm working on a remix of the two. Should be hot, once I finish. So far it's coming along pretty well.

I talked to my boss about the whole political propaganda deal going on at work, and got little support. To me, it seems that the best way anyone can protect their own religious and moral freedom is by protecting everyone else's. Politics are meant to protect, not to dictate.

Anyways, I just had a rush of photoshoots get scheduled. I'm working (hopefully) with one of Larry's friends this weekend, then I should be with a new girl, Andrea, who seems very nice and has good concepts next month. I'm also talking to a few others about some new sets. Should be busy.

I decided today that I want to learn how to play bass. So I'm gonna ask one of my buds to teach me. We'll see how that goes.

Well, off to bed...get to sleep in tomorrow, for once. Yay!

Crwn Thy Frnicatr

2006-10-20T15:34:00.000-04:00

Ryan emailed me earlier today to let me know that Psyclon Nine's new album was in, so I ran over on my lunch break to pick up my shipment.

Oh. My. God. If I could hump a CD, it would be this one.

My work place is telling me how to vote! All right!

2006-10-20T07:58:00.000-04:00

I got to work today and checked my email, only to find one of the staff members had sent out mailing about "what would happen if the liberals get elected!" Not only am I a strong supporter of keeping church and state seperate, but sending out political messages via workplace communications is totally bogus.

And now I'm really surprised that no one's said anything about my big bright Libertarian bumper sticker yet.

Anyways, I had a good few days off. The Terrorfakt show actually went pretty well. Lots more people showed up than I had anticipated. I got a chance to talk to Ben and Andy for awhile, and they were very nice guys. Also, their opening act - Tonikom - was awesome! She's a one woman noise act, and very good. Definitely check her out. Their roadie, a guy named Shaggy, actually lived in Roanoke for awhile, and was good friends with some of the guys in the band Derek used to be in. It's such a small world, eh?

I started working out again this week. I've lost about all the weight I want to lose already by just eating better, but I think I could stand to get in a bit better shape since I'm gonna be hauling lights around here again shortly. Plus, you know...wanna look good for a cute boy by the end of November. :-)

Song of the Day:
51 Peg - "Stalemate"
www.51peg.com

National "Take Care of Your Drunk Friends" Weekend!

2006-10-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

Or at least, that's what I think this past weekend must have been, though I never got the memo. This weekend was insane. From a photoshoot with Corrie, to taking my drunk coworker to the church at 3am, to helping my DJ friend rebuild his entire CD collection...I think I've gotten about 5 or 6 hours of sleep since waking up Friday morning. Insanity, I tell you.

Anyways, the photoshoot was awesome! Me and Corrie had this guy on OMP message us about some of his current projects, so we headed down to Dale City on Saturday for that. He was a very nice guy, and is working on a book that showcases various mardi gras masks that his friend makes. It's a very cool concept, and I think both me and Corrie got some good shots out of the deal, based on what we're seeing in our proof sheets. I also did some sets for his legs project, wearing all of my crazy shoes and hose. A lot of those look really awesome, too. I'm very excited. It's funny, because I never took the idea of me modeling seriously (I mean, most of you guys know I don't even touch make-up on a normal day), but ever since Larry convinced me to work with him, it's surprising how well it's going. I mean, I feel pretty good about myself...but I never thought a 5'2" amazon would be model material, lol. It's fun though.

So yeah, one of my DJ buds had his CD collection stolen on the way into town the other night. He's a good dude and is trying to get his life back up and running, so it sucks to have something like this happen. I've definitely got a soft spot for him since no matter what he ALWAYS plays a Psyclon Nine song for me (he even managed to sneak in "Harlot" for me the other night, though he was spining from other people's collections), so with the help of Ryan over at SLR, I've collected a bunch of industrial promos as well as burned most of my collection so that he has something to start over with. I also went out and got him a new CD case. I dunno, I guess with all of the troubles I had earlier this month with my car and my health, I feel that since I got out of that so easily, that it's kind of my turn on the karma wheel to help some people out when I can.

I don't even think I can get into the story about what happened with my coworker, but I have to say I do wish I could have been in the office at 6am yesterday morning when my boss walked in and found him asleep in his chair with vomit in the trashcan. Haha, even though I'm "saved", I may still end up in hell if I keep this up...

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "Harlot"
www.psyclonnine.com

Romanticism

2006-10-13T21:31:00.000-04:00

You know, I usually pride myself on being independent and being able to take care of myself. So this is kind of a different feeling for me than usual...

There are very few things that are hotter than a man who will stand up for his girl. Even for something as simple as today...

"Politics is a Good Thing"

2006-10-13T11:57:00.000-04:00

Or so says the stickers that Larry Sabato gives me everytime I run into him with my dad. While killing time in between set-ups, I decided I really ought to investigate the political races in my area, since that time is coming up soon. The results are fairly dismal.

For US Senate, I think I may end up voting for my roommate's puppy. Not even including all the controversy around George Allen, I'm definitely not in favor of staying in Iraq, which pretty much puts out most Republicans for me in general. But for Jim Webb, I don't see much difference. His website is a really good example of "sound and fury, signifying nothing" - it's very long to read, but nothing is really actually said. His views on such topics as health care and education don't seem to be any different than Allen's, and he's also in no way clear about his views on Iraq, leaving the subject very open ended. Finally, there's an independent candidate, Gail Parker, who has absolutely no information on her (very ugly) website about any of the major issues, but instead has seemed to have built her platform soley around getting a high speed train into our area. What?

As far as the House race goes, there is in fact a Libertarian candidate (yay!) for our district - Bill Wood. He seems to be on par with Libertarian philosophy, so I'll be happy to vote for him. Unfortunately, I've seen no press on him at all, so it doesn't look like there will be much hope...

So that's my two cents on the upcoming elections. And no matter who you vote for...just make sure you vote.

(For music related news, I got some VERY good info this morning. I will be an extremely happy girl if everything I heard gets confirmed.)

The light goes out the clear end.

2006-10-11T20:52:00.000-04:00

Somebody cute called me last night. *smiles* I think next month could quite possibly be extremely awesome.

Work wasn't too bad today. I got into the gym and took all the lights down for maintenance. Oi, they're in bad shape. About a half inch of dust on them - not an exaggeration. Very badly maintained - lots of them were hung improperly, put back together the wrong way (I found several reflectors and one lens in backwards so far. I mean, um, how do you manage to get the reflector wrong?? The light goes out the clear end, people...

So I'll finish cleaning tomorrow, and hopefully hang and focus if I can get around to it. I only have maybe 20 lights in there, but it's difficult being the only one in there, and having to move my own Genie.

On the flip side, we had a robbery at work today. Some dude just walked into the building, found a neglected purse, and took all the credit cards. The wierd thing was, I actually saw this guy. I was walking back from the loft and saw him coming the opposite direction. He opened the door to our office suite and looked in, and then closed the door and kept walking. He said hi to me and everything. He must've robbed the other lady right after that. Pretty creepy.

Oh, and I heard from my friend Natalie the other night! Camille called because she had run into her in Roanoke; Natalie used to live right up the street from me in high school. She was totally awesome, and inventor of the "Poochie!" joke. She also bought me a life-sized cardboard cut out of Mr. Spock for my birthday one year. And you know that has "cool" written all over it.

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "Better Than Suicide"
www.psyclonnine.com

Change your ways, for now you're living in a dream...

2006-10-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

It's always this song...

I don't know, I had a great day and a good weekend, but sometimes I just get slapped in the face with reality. I need a change again. Already I feel stagnate.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I gave up certain things for good reason...

I need to get focused on my career again. I have to do this for me.

Song of the Day:
Disown - "Beautifully Sickening"
www.disown.cc

The fiasco comes to an end (I hope)

2006-10-09T21:36:00.000-04:00

So after getting my car back, guess what it does again? Yep. So back to the shop it goes. Fortunately, my boss lets me know that the church has a car I can use, so my uber-awesome roommate drives me to Springfield to pick it up. The good side: it's a freakin' Crown Vic, so you know EVERYONE got out of my way while I was driving, thinking I was an unmarked cop car. The bad side: the alignment was so out that I had to hold the steering wheel at 11 o'clock to keep it straight. *sigh*

Finally got my car back, and just in time too: as soon as I get to work, my boss calls again to tell me he just blew his transmission out, so now he needs the church car! So I end up picking him up at his house (and his wife made me dinner, which was awesome) and then taking him back here so he could get it. Kinda cool to talk to him for the almost hour drive about various things. I got a chance to voice some of my concerns and views about things, and that was a good thing. He's a good guy.

So my car seems to be fine now, and somehow, my parents decided to help me out with the payment. When I had called them earlier to talk to them about it, my mom said they'd send me a bit of money. What I didn't expect was for them to pay for the whole thing. That was really, really cool of them. I don't say that a lot, but seriously, that was awesome. I don't have to rely on Ramen after all.

And then Jeremiah came down to visit for a few days, so that's been nice. He got here last night (after blowing a tire out...seriously, what is up with all the car problems?!?!) so we spent the evening chilling out and watching Star Trek. It was awesome. Today we went to the mall, and I got a few pairs of thigh-high stockings in preparation for me and Corrie's next shoot, coming up this weekend. This afternoon me and Jeremiah did a shoot, and it came out really well! So here's one picture from that, with me and my new hair...

Good times! So life seems to be returning to normal faster and better than expected, so that's cool. Tomorrow I'm meeting one of my friends from church for lunch, then heading over to Strangeland to hang out / work on street team stuff for an hour or two...

Song of the Day:
Rhea's Obsession - "Spiritual Fear"
www.myspace.com/rheasobsession

Because nothing can ever be easy...

2006-10-06T17:20:00.000-04:00

So I get the call that, finally (about 2 hours after they told me I'd have it), my car is ready. So I go in, get the details (somehow, it ended up being a bit cheaper than they told me...hey, that's an extra $105 dollars I don't have to make up in prostitution), and write the check.

Declined. FTW.

So I call up the place, and they say that even though I have no negative credit history, that I have no history of writing checks of that size, so it's a liability. We go in circles, saying that they'll approve it manually...but everytime they try to run the check, it gets declined again. And I'm like, ok, you can see my bank account in front of you. You can see I have the money. And, on top of that, if I need history to write checks of that size, how am I ever going to get that history if I can't write one to begin with? Does this remind anyone of the fiasco I went through to get my goddamn credit card? (Which, I couldn't use in the first place, because my limit isn't high enough to cover my bill.)

The result being, in the end, I had to walk over to the bank in the rain (ok, well, it's not that pitiful because the bank is just across the parking lot, but still) and find out what the hell was wrong with my account. They say they see no reason why it should be declined, and go ahead and just give me the cash out of my account.

Finally, I have my car, but at this point it's so late I can't get to work on time, so I have to call out and miss that much more work / money.

I have never had a good experience with America's financial institutions. I think I now understand why my grandma keeps so much of her money in cash.

Depending on how much money I've regained, I'm contemplating a trip to Nashville the end of November. Because some people are worth driving 10 hours for to see just one week earlier. :-)

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "Anaesthetic for the Pathetic"
www.psyclonnine.com

I'll be eating Ramen for awhile...

2006-10-05T19:45:00.000-04:00

$1600 later, my car should be fixed sometime tomorrow. *sigh*

Fortunately, I did get a good amount of work done today. Cleaned up a bit around the house, did laundry, etc. Got the Strangeland Street Team mailing list set up, so I can start working more on that as things get going.

Got two more sections for RAM done, just need to upload them. I have a handful of new artist submissions I should go through, too...

I applied for that other job today, so cross your fingers that it's cool AND that I get it.

Song of the Day:
Plumb - "I Can't Do This"
www.plumbinfo.com

I hate my life.

2006-10-04T22:30:00.000-04:00

My car died on the way home tonight. It's always fucking something, isn't it? Can't I just have a good day, just once?

Return of the movie star

2006-10-04T17:55:00.000-04:00

On my way home last night, the doctor's office FINALLY called me to say that my test results came back normal. Thank god. I was in such a good mood I decided that my best course of action would be to go get my hair professionally fixed (and as my coworker put it, spend the money that I had been saving for my funeral for something flamboyant) so I am now a blonde. I couldn't get all the way to white like I wanted due to the previous color. But it's still pretty light, and a cool greyish ash color. I dig it.

Theoretically I'm planning on going to see the Spencers tomorrow night, as they're performing in Gettysburg. May not go, though, depending on how much work I can get done tomorrow and how I'm feeling.

I found a job ad that looks pretty cool, so I'm applying for that. More on that later.

I have a sudden urge to resurrect my plans for FilterFind. That program I was going to make for indexing lighting gel. Hmn.

When focusing isn't just a lighting term...

2006-09-30T16:13:00.000-04:00

I remember when I used to be able to go to work and just do my job without worrying about anything else. Now I can't imagine my life without always having "my other job" in the back of my mind. How do people without a hobby deal with free time? Is it boring, or are you a lot less stressed than I am now?

It's like I'll never really have another day off or another vacation again, because if I'm not here, then I'm at a club, or working online, or out distributing flyers. Even on my lunch breaks I spend my time responding to emails about shows, etc.

In looking for a new job, I kind of wonder if I'll ever really be happy with one. I think, in the end, I'm always going to be aggreviated about how I could be using my time better elsewhere, working on music.

I need to book either a really huge fucking show, or get a freaking release out on my label already. On the flip side, I did just bid on a big band for Nov/Dec...don't think it'll happen, but never hurts to try. Too bad the Razed in Black show didn't pan out, but one of these days, something will.

Other fun things found while cleaning the loft today:

1) A Monarch Royal accordion. Haven't been able to successfully date it yet.

2) A very nice mic case for a Nuemann. I didn't know we had a Nuemann. I wonder if my boss knows we have a Nuemann.

3) Random stickers for various audio companies. Now I can feel like a real engineer if I put a Shure and Audix sticker on my road cases. Wait...I don't have any road cases...yet...

Song of the Day:
Life Cried - "Hallowed Be Thy Name"
www.lifecried.net

Job search addendum

2006-09-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

I also want to dye my hair hot pink again. And get my nose pierced. Really, really bad.

I'm radioactive...literally.

2006-09-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

In regards to the show on Wednesday night, it went pretty well. The bands were happy as were the fans that showed up...we just didn't have a lot of people there in general, in spite of everyone's best efforts at promotion. I think since Adams Morgan is just such a sucky area to try to park in, that it discourages people from coming out. In any case, Vicious Alliance were great to meet; they were very nice, very enthusiastic, and it was apparent that they really love performing. I think in a year or two they're gonna be a powerhouse in the electro-noise scene. Abbeyvain was awesome as well; Sydney and Filip are amazing people and very professional. They put on a greatly energetic show, too. And thanks to my uber-awesome roomie for coming out at the last minute to help work the door.

Now, for the not so fun stuff. I've only talked to a few people about this so far, but I feel the urge to blog, so here it is: over the last few weeks I've started having severe (though short-lived) bouts of chest pain. After two more episodes last week, I figured something was really wrong, so I made a doctor's appointment for last Monday. I went in, they did an EKG, which was abnormal. So they sent me to the cardiologist yesterday for a thallium stress test. Hence the title of my post. Basically, the test entails the patient being injected with a radioactive isotope so that the heart can be monitered before and after excercising. Sounds extremely creepy, but it wasn't painful. Just took forever. Anyhow, to make a long story short, the technician there did see, again, an abnormal EKG before the stress test started. So now...I'm waiting for either the radiologist or my family doctor to call and tell me what the hell is wrong with my heart.

It's always something, eh? My skin is doing fairly well, for once.

I'm also slightly bummed because my birthday plans involving a cute boy fell through. But, it's probably for the best, since I can't get a lot of time off from work that weekend, since we'll be in tech for the Christmas show. So I'll wait a few months more I suppose.

Speaking of work...I hate people. I hate people who come in half an hour before their event and essentially ask for the whole world on a platter, and then when you can't give it to them, they make snide remarks about how you can't do your job. I will never understand why people always assume that we can do everything on the fly...and more so, that we owe them to do it.

So the lady called us up Tuesday about this event on Wednesday (when we have a policy that you must give us 2 weeks warning for large events, to be sure we have both the equipment and the people.) So I talk to her and get all the info I can squeeze out of her...basically they need to show both a PowerPoint presentation and a web video, so I think, cool, no problem. I ask what kind of computer they're bringing, and find out they assume we provide one. I tell them we don't, but that other ministries have them for loan, and that I'll go ahead and procure one for her since it was such late notice (see, I'm nice, right?). So Wednesday rolls around (I'm the only one in during the morning, and it's my half day because of the AV show.) and I go into the room to set up about an hour before they're supposed to arrive to go over everything. So I get the computer in there...a very old Dell with no wireless card...only to find out that the IT guys have switched that room over to wireless only without telling anyone. So that's lovely. Fortunately, the IT guys have some laptops of their own, so they loan me one of those, and I get that up and running (after some annoying login problems they had to fix). The group arrives about 10 minutes late to our meeting. Now, this laptop I'm using, while newer than the first, still isn't all that up-to-date, and apparently it's video card can't do dual projection. It's third "function F8" option is an extended desktop, not a mirror. So I tried to fix it, with no avail, and so does our IT guy, also with no luck. In the meantime, this group has brought in MUCH more media than they had told me (they actually had about 3-5 presentations they needed downloaded from CDs, email, etc., a whole CD full of pictures for a slide show that had to be transfered to the computer, and they had assumed they could just somehow magically download the *streaming* video from the internet so that they didn't have to see the rest of the website), so we're simultaneously trying to get all of that stuff on there AND fix the dual imaging problem. All the while I'm getting comments about how we're running out of time, that using the computer is going to be difficult, where's the wireless mouse (we don't have them nor did they ask for one ahead of time), etc. They ask me if I'm going to be in there to run the presentations for them, at which point in time I explain that I have a half day and will be gone by then. So then I get more attitude about how THEY didn't get half days, etc. As if I was working less than 40 hours this week somehow? Or that I would get overtime if I stayed longer...which at that point I already had. Gah.

I need to find a new job. I want a job that I enjoy, that has a flexible enough schedule for my music stuff, and that pays well enough for me to live comfortably. At this point, I'm thinking of looking outside of theatre and a/v...maybe find a steady desk job doing something meaningless where I can dictate my hours so long as I punch in 40 hours a week. That would be awesome.

Song of the Day:
Abbeyvain - "Quicksand"
www.abbeyvain.com

2006-09-27T14:51:00.000-04:00

Last call for the show tonight...Abbeyvain & Vicious Alliance at Midian.

Tomorrow's going to be even worse than Monday, I think. More on that later once I know for sure what's going on.

2006-09-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

Tonight's photo shoot may have been one of the best I've ever done. Jimmy is awesome...can't wait to work with him again. His feel for lighting and mood really matches my style. And my new synth falls (...and my new corset...and my new gloves...and my new eyeshadow...) are so much fun.

Off to bed...tomorrow morning is going to be stressful, I think.

2006-09-21T16:03:00.000-04:00

Over the last few days, in our downtime between events, me and the rest of the staff here in our department have been working on cleaning and organizing "the loft" - an area in the ceiling where we store quite a bit of our equipment. It's like a treasure hunt...brings back memories of why I wanted to be an archaeologist at one point in my life.

So far, things of note are:

- An Electro-Voice 664 Microphone (needs a new mic conversion plug, but I'll find one. Because my boss gave it to me. Wish B had felt the same way about that Shure 55 I found back at VWCC!)

- A Sony F-98 microphone and an Akai DM-13 microphone. Both of these mics are in great shape, in their packing boxes, with their instructions and all their accessories.

- A Coca-Cola Volume 3 CD printed in 1992, ft. such hip artists as Tina Turner and INXS.

- A Head Cleaning Kit for 5" Floppy Drives, unopened.

- Several 5" floppies.

In other news, promoting has started for the Abbeyvain show next Wednesday. I ran by Midian last night to drop off some flyers, so I'll be distributing those for the rest of the week. If anyone wants to help, let me know. I'll be at Midnight on Saturday, and then probably running by Shadey on Monday before heading to the Ladytron show at the 9:30 Club. But please, do come out to the show on Wednesday!

It looks like I have a test shoot with a new photographer on Sunday. Still keeping with the goth theme of course, but we're looking at doing some location stuff with fall coming up instead of studio work, so that'll be awesome I hope.

I forgot to mention this last week or so when it happened, but I'm highly irritated with deviantArt. Apparently, Lighting Design is not considered a form of art to them, and they have regulated all of my show pictures to my "scraps" folder. So I'll be pleading my case for my art sometime this week when I get some time.

If you haven't been to RAM in awhile, I put up a new front page and the new Supported Artist section a few days ago. The articles, news, dates, and contact sections are about finished as well, so those should be up shortly. The new design allows my staff members to update the news, articles, and dates sections independently, so that's gonna make life so much easier. I'm also reopening artist submissions on October 1st, so it's time to start sorting through all the press packs and CDs that I've got on file from before I closed submissions back at the end of the summer, oi.

I'm planning on finalizing the RAM comp album next week. I think I have enough submissions to run with it now, and I'm tired of it sitting on a back burner. I want it out already!

So I've noticed that not only does no one comment on my blog anymore, but no one writes in theirs all that much either. I mean, I know I used to update this daily, too. What happened, did we all get lives? :-)

On a final note...I like a cute boy. *giggles*

Song of the Day:
Purgatory Remains - "Skin Deep"

2006-09-18T21:47:00.000-04:00

There just aren't enough hours in a day. I got a lot done on music stuff this weekend, mainly working on the new RAM site and flyer designs for the upcoming shows, but I'm still really behind on some things. Slowly but steady I guess. This week I'll be focused mostly on the Abbeyvain show, and getting the rest of the RAM site back online. So close on that...

It was nice having the day off, finally. My job is really irritating me, but I guess I'll deal with it for a bit longer...

2006-09-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

Not that I mind a good challenge, but I'm getting tired of being thrown behind a system I have yet to be trained on. Granted, I know a pretty good share of general sound knowledge now, but every installation has its nuances. So having me run events where it's very probably that I'm going to have to do something that requires me to have more in depth knowledge of how that specific system is set up without giving me some kind of overview is just asking for trouble.

A simple setup that should have taking me 15 minutes last night took about 2 hours, given that the way the sanctuary is actually set up compares to how I thought it should have been.

I also find troubleshooting excessively difficult if not a goddamn thing is labled.

*sigh* So, here I am again, getting ready to run choir/orchestra rehearsal, and I'm in a world of hurt. Took me awhile to track down the source of a problem with three of our monitering systems (which was a simple fix had the routes only been labled), then I had to bump through every single channel of the board to find out where the choir mics are normalled to. (Again, would have been niced if the labels weren't smudged off; "c o|r +" doesn't mean much to me.) Still having issues with one of the choir mics...I'm thinking now it's an already known issue...would have been nice if I had been told BEFORE I went and traced down the unplugged cable.)

I'm predicting that this is going to be a disasterous two days. And I was just barely starting to not completely hate this job.

I'd much rather be at home working on the growing list of flyers I need to do for the rest of this year's shows.

Tomorrow: work, then Midnight.

Song of the Day:
Psyclon Nine - "Parasitic"
www.psyclonnine.com

2006-09-14T21:53:00.000-04:00

I posted something similar on myspace last night, but the rest of this year is going to fly by. So many shows...

Wednesday, September 27th
Radio-Active-Music.com & Midian present:
Abbeyvain
w/ Vicious Alliance
@ The Asylum
Washington, DC

Wednesday, October 18th
Midian & Radio-Active-Music.com present:
TERRORFAKT
@ The Asylum
Washington, DC

Saturday, October 28th
Radio-Active-Music.com & Midnight present:
"Crwn Thy Frnicatr" CD Release Party
for Psyclon Nine's new album
@ The Meeting Place
Washington, DC

Saturday, November 11th
Radio-Active-Music.com & Midnight present:
51 Peg
@ The Meeting Place
Washington, DC

Friday, December 1st
Radio-Active-Music.com & Strangeland Records present:
51 Peg
w/ DJ wHO?
@ SLR
Annandale, VA

Another show or two is in the works...

And, yes, you did read that right. 51 Peg is playing on my birthday. It's gonna be a kick ass party, so plan on coming now. And...it seems like a very special man may be joining me for that weekend. *sighs happily*

In other news, I talked to my big brother and he's gonna come down next month to visit when I have a day off, yay! I miss my Count Fluffy! :-)

Well, my work day is done...I'm going home...