The Garden before the Fall

The bulk reposted from LJ for convenience:

So if you're a friend of mine on various social networking sites, you probably noticed something unexpected over the last 24 hours:


i can has hot phD stoodent boyfriend

Meet Rick. You may actually already know Rick, as he's the man behind Reaver and has visited several of the local DC clubs over the last few months. In 'real life', he's working at one of the academic campuses at NASA Langley, and is finishing up his phD in Atmospheric Geophysics from Tech. I met Rick in the fall of last year, and since then he's been a great coworker, friend, and supporter over the last several months. I've always been impressed with his intellect, his sense of humor, but most importantly - his sense of honor and integrity.

In any case, Rick and I started seeing each other within the last two weeks. It's kind of funny - when JSun and I finally broke up, I had been long since resolved that that was it. Who is still single at 26? In a way I was looking forward to it - the extra time to just devote to my business, etc. But as fate would have it, I ended up with a potential job and a great place to live in Tidewater. After making that decision, things with Rick evolved from there. (Just in case anyone was speculating that I either broke up with JSun and/or decided to move down there because of this...not the case.)

I understand that from the outside, it can look rather foolish to jump into something else so soon. But from my point of things - life is short. What's the use in waiting when God so seemingly puts such a great opportunity right in front of you?

So that's the deal. Words can't describe how hopeful and content I feel these days.

++++++++++

Hopefully if you're reading this you've also been keeping up on LJ and are in the know about me and JSun's break up. If not, go ahead and take a look. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Ok, now that that's taken care of, here's a bit more about the situation that I didn't want to go into on my public blog:

I felt the need to post about this now (instead of waiting until I finished moving) because I'm getting the idea that people are assuming that I both left JSun and am moving because of Rick, but that couldn't be less true. I had no idea of Rick's interest in me until early June, and only after I had left JSun and decided to move down to Virginia Beach. I shouldn't have to justify myself; if you truly know me, you know that I'm a woman of integrity and would NEVER violate a relationship.

My one weakness which I'll admit is that I did notice myself attracted to Rick a month or so earlier. But that in itself wasn't a motivation for ending my relationship with JSun; it was simply one of the many warning signs that something was wrong with my current status.

I was also touched that, in the same way, Rick never chose to tell me how he felt while I was still will JSun. It shows a depth of honor to this man...something that I've sorely needed lately.

As for jumping back into a relationship so soon...as one of my good friends pointed out via email earlier today...the truth is, I've been emotionally disconnected for months. So in spite of JSun's claims of being "disposable", it really isn't such a revolving door in this case. I was mentally done with that relationship in September. I've had plenty of time to move on. And like I said above...who am I to turn away what could potentially be one of the best things to ever happen to me?

Under Rug Swept

Though admittedly I don't have all of the information about the current situation, currently, all signs point to "got dumped again [professionally]".

As most of you know, I had a falling out a few months ago with a former band member / industry contact who also happened to be someone I considered to be a close friend. It's the blessing and the curse of my job; I get to be close and develop real friendships with most of the people I work with - but then when things fall apart, I've not only lost a 'coworker', but a close friend.

It seems that again, someone who I both admire as a musician and care about personally has silently made the decision to move away from me and the company. I'm surprised and sad; I only found out because the company who is getting this band posted about it. The band never informed me.

I just don't understand what is so hard about saying either, "Hey, you fucked _________ blank up, so I don't want to work with you anymore," or "Hey, ________ offered me a better deal, I'm leaving." I can respect and understand either one. In fact, both of them help me to become a better business. Keeping your opinions and dissatisfaction to yourself helps no one.

I don't mean this in a bitter way at all. I just wish I knew what was going on before things were too late.

Insomnia

So more and more often insomnia is striking these days. I was feeling a bit sick last night and this morning so I called out of work and slept in. Now...it's almost 5am. You know you've been awake too long when your boyfriend is getting up before you've even gone to bed. *sigh*

I guess I have a lot on my mind these days. Success is a conflict of opinion. I'm really happy with a majority of my life right now. The label is doing better than my modest expectations. Over the last two months, I've gotten an international distribution, sent several of my bands off on national tours, released half a dozen new albums, started working with a major scene retailer, and well, kept the business afloat and thriving in general. 'Real life' speaking, considering the economy, freelancing is still working out surprisingly well. I like my job, I like my coworkers, and have relatively little to complain about.

But, considering the economy, it may not be enough for much longer.

As I'm preparing to get my taxes done, I've been looking at the bottom line this month, and it's not good. I made enough to cover my expenses...barely. But if it wasn't for both JSun being willing to pay more than his share for rent as well as other friends and colleagues being lenient on payments, I'd really be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

The problem is, I don't see the situation improving on it's own. It's not like there's a promotion around the corner or that anyone is gonna start handing out raises anytime soon. I'm in a job I love where I've unfortunately already hit the ceiling. So now I'm faced with a hard choice: do I suck it up and take a different job - one that pays well but leaves me unhappy - or, do I pack up and move to some place where I can make the same amount of money doing what I like but where the cost of living is significantly lower?

The obvious consideration is my personal life. At the end of May, me and JSun will have been together for two years. Ever since he kicked the drinking and smoking for good six months ago, things have drastically improved. I love him, and I love being with him.

You know, when I was growing up, I always thought I was the kind of person who wanted to get into a committed relationship early on, and get married and live happily ever after. But now that I'm older, I'm finding more comfort in what we have now. Again, things are good between us, but the fact is - I don't know how I can decide now, at 26, if what I want now will be what I want when I'm 60. I still do firmly believe in marriage - so much so that when I do get married, it will be for the rest of my life. So the idea of making a commitment - to anyone - now is just a bit overwhelming.

Me and JSun talked about a lot of this the other night, and our options. JSun seems to be pretty set in staying in DC now, even though we had kicked around ideas earlier about relocating. His reasons are valid, but that means the next decision is on me: in order to stay in the area, I'm going to HAVE to get a higher paying job within the year. So, it's back to the original question: do I settle in my career for the sake of the relationship, or do I sacrifice the relationship in order to pursue my own dreams?

Why does everything have to be so black and white? Can't I just have it all?

No Fire That I Can Spark

How do you trust again?

[like cassandra, I lose the fight]

So who is the better man? The one who is tempted and says no, or the one whose morals were so high to never be tempted in the first place?

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I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Some things cannot be bought
I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy
Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No Ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one-night stand, no far-off land
No fire that I can spark

Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

- Madonna, "Drowned World"

[V III]

I keep meaning to come back here to write more often, but it doesn't seem to happen much...until I feel like a change is coming.

There's some good change, and some hard change. I'm not sure any of it is bad change - I'll be more relieved in the end. There's a certain amount of freedom when you're the one to say "Enough." rather than it being someone else who calls it quits.

I've got a lot to plan for this time around.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm disgusting. I'm tired of feeling like I don't mean anything. I'm tired of feeling apathetic. I'm tired of feeling stifled.

Time to fly...

[loser]

I just have to rant about this.

Most of you know that JSun really has only two major flaws: alcohol and tobacco. Things go ok for awhile, and then everything falls apart again.

Last night there was a pretty big DJ in town - one of his favorite performers in fact - and since it was the last day before payday, he was short on cash. So I loaned him $20 to go to the show (since I was headed to another party). Well, my party lets out early, so I head over to the club too, and as the night progresses I notice that he's been drinking more than what we've agreed on (3 drinks per night, no matter what). He asks me if it's ok to have a smoke, which is when I remind him that he's broken his word yet again. He gets pissy and goes outside and smokes anyway, and lamely attempts to cover it up with some gum. Like I won't notice or something.

He then proceeds to spend most of the evening watching his ex dance, and when it's time to go, his debit card is rejected by the bar. Because, he likes to take the chance and start a bar tab late Thursday nights, betting on the fact that he's supposed to get paid right at midnight on Friday morning. This is the SECOND time it's happened. So on top of everything else, I have to put his $40 bar tab on my car for him to be able to leave.

He wonders why no one respects him. Why am I dating such a fucking loser?