[I'm tearing at myself]

Nobody gives a damn about me,
or anybody...else...

I finally made the announcement on LJ about my going home in two weeks. Admitting failure, even in just a small "but I'll be back soon!" way sucks. But I have to admit that I'm looking forward to being Laura again, and putting Valdyr away for awhile.

I'm looking forward to going thrift store shopping with Heather. I'm looking forward to drinking beer and watching wrestling with Chris. I'm looking forward to sipping on a bottle of wine in Joe's pool. I'm looking forward to grabbing some Olive Garden with DOM. I'm looking forward to visiting Dana and Laura in their new house. I'm looking forward to jamming out with Derek again.

I realize...I'm looking forward to pretending that the last year and a half never really happened.

I can still picture myself back at the college, in that one uncharacteristically kind and motivational conversation I had with Rafe, telling me that everything I had done up until that point had indicated that I would rather live my life looking for love rather than following my career. And that he knew if I didn't follow my career in the end, I'd never really be happy.

So I did it. For almost two years, I've sacrificed my friends, my health, and my past relations to pursue this career.

I'm still not happy.

I am at peace though. Rafe was right in the sense that now I can move on without having to wonder. But, now what?

I've been asking that all year. I'm sitting here in JSun's apartment, listing to him recite lyrics for a song he's writing about his best friend who was tragically murdered by her husband late last week. In his last LJ post, he mentioned that he was rethinking all sorts of things - capital punishment, marriage and love:

"Laura just told me she loved me...and I didn't know how to respond."

Most of you know that I find it pretty easy to open myself up and love someone, so you probably don't think that's surprising on my end. But, in spite of what had happened between him and his ex-fiance, he had started telling me the same thing about two weeks ago.

All I ever wanted in this life was love. I was beginning to think I might have actually found it. But now he realizes he didn't feel that way about me after all.

I asked him this morning if he would take Jess back if he had the opportunity. He gave me an honest response, but it wasn't something I wanted to hear.

So here I am. My career is crumbling, and I still haven't really meant anything to anyone. Is my life ever going to be anything but pointless?

Somebody get me outta here
I'm tearing at myself

"Maybe some of us weren't meant to make a big difference in one person. Maybe some of us are supposed to touch a lot of lives in small, barely perceptable ways."

GAH.

Things that went wrong this month:

+ The RAM label samplers had the wrong track at the end of the CD. Fault: CD company. Loss: promotional ability at Blacksun Festival, and $130.

+ xUBERx CD has two songs switched on CD. Fault: mine. Loss: sales @ BSF, and near loss of a good friendship. Oh, and $520.

+ Nuclearfest gets mediocre review from ReGen. Loss: motivation and audience retention for NFest '08 as well as Fallout Friday. Who wants to come to a show if I can only book 2 good bands out of 8?

+ 51 Peg / Gravity Euphonic show cancelled this week. Loss: $75, my respectability as a promoter, and potential workable venue.

Things that went right this month:

+ ...

----------

Anyways, so a lot is going to be changing here in a few weeks. I've talked to a few people about what I'm gonna have to do shortly, due to my business losses, the upcoming move, the future expected loss of one of my main jobs, and my health. I'll be more explicit in about a week or so, once I've talked to everyone officially.

Yes, Colleen, we totally need to fucking hang out. Like, tomorrow night. I get off work @ Alden at 6:30. Help me get my head back on straight.

If it wasn't for JSun, I wouldn't have even made it home from Connecticut.

Oh, btw, BSF was indeed awesome in any case.

[we want a revolution]

Got a Stromkern song stuck in my head.

Anyways, things are good on my end for the most part. If you haven't been keeping up with my random posts on LiveJournal (god I need to repost them in here more often), things went really well with Nuclearfest. I didn't quite break even, but I didn't loose too much money, and the event itself ran very smoothly. So more things along those lines will be coming soon.

I'm going to Blacksun later on this week with JSun. Should be a good trip. I hope vending goes ok, but I am indeed looking forward to the vacation.

Things with me and JSun are ok; we kinda had it out about a week ago after he got rediculously wasted at the bar (when he was the one who drove) and couldn't understand why I was upset. I dunno...I guess for the most part when I drink, I'm still quite aware of myself, and know when I've had too much. I don't understand people who loose control, though I guess it really isn't his fault that his body reacts badly when mine does not. At the same time, he needs to realize that because he does react badly to alcohol, that he needs to avoid that situation to begin with. But, I think this is just the beginning of an uphill climb unfortunately, that's going to result in a lot more instances of me taking the keys. *sigh*

It's frustrating, because other than this, he's great. I know he cares about me, even though things are still moving slowly emotionally given the situation he just got out of. He treats me very well, and he's very affectionate and emotionally accessible. He understands my lifestyle and time restraints...and, Christ, he deals with my skin condition better than just about anyone. I just hope we can get to a good resolution for the excessive drinking...because this really is something that I cannot compromise on.

In other news, I stumbled upon an online posting the other day that seems to point to a continuing downward spiral in a friend who is now far from my reach. All. I. can. do. is. pray. I know that might indeed the best thing I could have done to begin with...but god I feel so helpless...

Song of the Day: Stromkern - "Stand Up" www.radio-active-music.com