[bent for you]

You're unsure and you're not ready, so that must mean I want you
You're unavailable and disinterested, and to you I look for comfort
A million times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old, or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding, be that my cue to crave you
Several times in several ways, I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways, I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It wont' be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self-deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman, afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me God and everything
A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

Song of the Day: Alanis - "Bent For You" www.alanis.com

[make up your mind]

Make up your mind

You couldn't make me
Anymore crazy
Than I could stand to be
So won't you just sympathize with me
And all the things I do
to make you angry with me
What's wrong with me today?
You say I leave you all alone
Every time you call me
As if you needed reason to fall down
I know this must be hard for you to understand
And all this waiting takes too long for me
Make up your mind

You don't even know
what's good for you
You better keep your eyes on me
Maybe you're oblivious inside
And it's scary that you don't know
Your chances fade away
Fade away sometimes
Maybe you're oblivious inside

No you can't deny me
And I don't want to see you go away

You get angry when I ask what's on your mind
I should have been asking you
what's been up your sleeve this whole time
'Cause now I know you're dangerous
And I know you're dangerous
but somehow you're contagious
Make up your mind

You don't even know
what's good for you
You better keep your eyes on me
Maybe you're oblivious inside
But it's scary that you don't know
Your chances fade away
Fade away sometimes
Maybe you're oblivious inside

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Make Up Your Mind" www.punkstatik.com

[suffering is sweet agony]

Back when I was in high school, I had this one teacher who was just amazing. My sophomore year I met her (as she was a coach off one of my sports teams), and she was just so damn awesome, I decided to take an elective with her my senior year. I really looked up to her - she was intelligent, fun, and had a great sense of humor. She was in her late 30's or early 40's I believe...I remember thinking, "Damn, I hope I can still be that full of life when I grow older."

But during my senior year she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't even know for sure what she had - I know she missed quite a bit of work for awhile there. But more than that...she changed. Her sense of humor was gone. She snapped at just about everybody. She had no understanding or sympathy for anyone else, because she was so consumed by her own pain.

It was sad losing her as a role model. I remember I did something stupid in her class once (playing around instead of working, I admit it), but that one small mistake was held against me forever. I never did anything right, either in class or at practice. I remember her telling me at the end of the year I'd never amount to much. I still wonder if she ever came to terms with her illness...or if she ever realized how much she hurt me.

Over the next few years, whenever I'd think about her I'd start to resent her more and more...especially when I got sick, too. I remember thinking about the things she said to me, and wondering if I had the chance to see her again, if I would throw it in her face? Would I scream, "See, you're not the only one in physical pain...get over yourself"?

The sad reality about myself that I realized this week is that I turned out to be just like her.

Though unlike her, I try not to take out my problems on the people around me. I don't always succeed, but at least most of the time I have enough sense to run away before doing any real damage to anyone else. But I adopted the same mentality she had.

You would think suffering this kind of pain would make people like her and me more sympathetic to others who are hurting. Instead, we developed this haughty, sneering indifference to anyone we think doesn't "hurt enough" to be considered an equal in pain endured.

And then this song lyric popped into my head as I was driving away tonight:

"Who am I to compare my pain to yours?
Suffering is sweet agony.
Who am I to compare my pain to yours?
My suffering must mean nothing."
- Plumb, "Who Am I?"

Considering my religious beliefs, if I do believe in God and what He did to acheive salvation for us all - then I have to accept that Jesus came to this world and suffered a death no other human has endured. And my pain, compared to His, is of little consequence.

So who am I to say that I've had a harder time of it? Or that your struggle isn't worth as much sympathy as mine was?

Song of the Day: Plumb - "Who Am I?" www.plumbinfo.com