Fucking bullshit. My dad sends me this email to come home asap to fill out some insurance stuff. You would think he would have actually looked at the shit. But no, I go out of my way and change my plans to come back here and go to the website to find that the company doesn't provide insurance in Virginia.

Did I mention that I'm looking for a place to live? I can't stand this place...if anyone in the Roanoke area is looking for a roommate or knows of a cheap apt. for rent, let me know.

One thing I keep forgetting to write...guess what this Friday is?

ALAN RICKMAN IN A DRESS DAY!

That's right...everyone's favorite sexy Hogwarts professor will be hitting the big screen this week in the third Harry Potter movie. I can't wait, I can't wait...in all serious though, sexiness aside, he's a brilliant actor. I hope he gets more screen time in this movie. I was a bit disappointed in the lack of him in Love Actually and the first two HP movies. But the boggart scene will be a blast no matter what...and who can resist that voice, lol? "Turn to page 384..." Oh, one of these days... :-)

So getting ready to head back to Salem I suppose. It was nice getting away for the night but I gotta keep living my life in Roanoke now. But I am heading over to hang out with Joe tonight, so that should be interesting. (No video taping though, rotflmao!)

I was telling Corrie the other day about a weird reoccuring subject I have in my dreams. Tornadoes. Not really a reoccuring dream...all the dreams are different, but always surrounded by tornadoes. Not the big, scary black ones you see on TWC, but the skinny, white ones...kinda like water spouts I guess...and always lots of them.

The dream I had last night I remember very clearly. We were in a shack of some kind...about the size of a trailer, but not at all sturdy...more of an enclosure built with some 2 by 4s and plywood. There were big windows on three sides of the building, and I was in there all night with 3 other people...some guy named Geoff, who I've never met in real life, some girl that sorta reminded me of Corrie but wasn't her, and some other dude that was just there. As night fell we looked out and saw the first tornado slide across the grass and water (we were on the edge of a lake in Ohio of all places.). I remember asking Geoff to call to see if we were expecting bad weather, and indeed we were under a tornado warning. I kept wanting to leave to go to a safer place, but Geoff was unconcerned and kept changing the subject, and the girl kept closing the drapes over all the windows (which really upset me) so that we couldn't see the tornados.

There are some common threads through all my tornado dreams...I'm never scared, but always anxious and aggrivated. And there are usually so many of them...dozens and dozens, though last night I only remember two. And in my other dreams I'm usually in a car, never driving, and we're always trying to avoid the tornados, though not actually running from them...usually they're just in the way of whatever we're trying to do. I remember one dream we were on a steep and winding mountain road that sort of reminded me of Wintergreen, and another dream we were at a camping ground in the Tidewater area...lots of sand and pine trees.

I'd love to know what all this means. I can take a few guesses and attribute it to the stress in my life at times, but it's all so strange. I think what was really wierd is that I woke up in the middle of the night after having these dream to a large thunderstorm and lots of wind. Maybe that triggered something? Meh.

Lots to do today. Got an email from my dad demanding I come back home a day early. I need to get away from here.

Told Lou I'd take on a big project for D1 so I should get started on that too. I guess I will never cease to be an over-acheiver, lol.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Another Day" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

I just put another Jimmie's Chicken Shack album in the CD player and keep going. What else are you gonna do?

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Fill In The Blank" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Taking a break from the sun so I don't fry. It's cool to just sit in the pool and think about stuff. Usually that's disasterous for me...I have a tendency to push things into a downward spiral. But actually, the more I thought about it, the better I felt.

Hell, I know you. I trust you, and I believe you. I know you're not trying to hurt me. I'm sorry that I made things out to be worse than they were. I really got to thinking about what you said about how you were afraid you'd be holding me back, and I know you're right. And instead of being mad, and I should be grateful that you're looking out for me. Sometimes I forget that you are indeed so much older than me, and that we are in two very different places in our lives. I have other things I need to be doing and I don't need to be tied down so soon. I'll always care about you and I know you will me, and things will be ok.

In other news, just had a small chat with Thorn from Redrum. He's a cool dude. Someone needs to get him some coffee ASAP though, lmao! But yeah, we should be doing that interview within the next week or so...so hopefully soon, I can get this site of mine up and going...

So I was making updates to the side today and realized, somewhat regretfully, that the title of my own blog needs to be changed, being that drama is no longer my major, lol.

So I think I spent enough time last night groveling and wallowing in self-pity to last me for a long time to come. In a way, maybe it's better...got that phase done and over and moving on to the next.

At least I know where I'm at now. And I know what the first thing I'm doing when I get home. The same force that pushed me out to Utah has lit a fire under my ass to get on it again...I guess that's why I'm up so early for once.

In other news, my mom is cooing at a morning dove on the front porch. Will someone please get me out of here?

Anyways, I can already tell that my blog is going to become a stream of quotes for awhile...just the way I do things I guess. I wrote awhile back when I was in the midst of breaking up with Steve and thinking about dating Lance how I felt that the words just can't capture how I feel anymore. So I guess I'll let other people say it for me again this time.

Before I close out my own ramblings, I do want to say that I believe you when you say you don't have any intentions. Neither did Jeremiah with Jenn. And we all know how that worked out. I don't think you're lying to me or leading me on...but there are some things that I just know...and I know I've lost you for good.

"You've said quite enough. I perfectly comprehend your feelings. And now I have only to feel ashamed of what my own have been. Forgive me for having taken up your time, and accept my best wishes for your health and happiness."
- Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

"Here's a toast to vulenerability
Cheers for abused trust
You could say love is all-consuming
And it just consumed me
This fire that consumes me..."
- The Last Laugh, "Purgatory"

Song of the Day: Alanis Morissette - "You Oughta Know" www.com

And the crowd yells, "DENIED!"

Heh. Ok, a few of you know, but I never made it public: me and Lance broke up a little over a week ago. I didn't really say anything, one because of all the music industry bullshit that I didn't want to get tied up with it, and two, I was hoping it might be of a short duration.

Well, over the past few days I'd really been thinking about things...making comparisons to him and other previous boyfriends, seeing similiarities in other relationships...and I decided that even though he didn't really have a lot of time for me (which is why I had called it off) that all the other things about him made it worth it. So I crawled back, begging for forgiveness.

Well, you guys know how my life goes. Obviously. But no hard feelings...the fact of the matter is he's already made new plans, and I respect that, no matter how much it may hurt. We're still friends, and I'm glad...probably the first good break-up I've had in years.

The only thing I can say is what I said when I finally let Johnnie go...either God will let this happen, or someone better is on his way...I just have to wait...in Bassackwardsville, VA.

Nothing like the JCS message board to brighten your day. Selected quotes:
"...I've been more entertained watching CSPAN."
"I can say the same thing about my right hand."
Gotta love those people. Anyways.

Today's trip to Key West was better. Ditched the parents for a bit and got some shopping done. Found some awesome pillows to decorate with, a Thai lamp, some very nice candles, two shirts, and shot glass, of course, lol. Got some presents for some people, too...not telling what!

I can't believe tomorrow is our last day here. I swear we just got here. I guess that's what happens when you spend half of your vacation in the car. *grumbles* It is really sad though, because this is it for awhile. I go back to finish up training, and continue to work...I guess I'll have to make my own fun times now, lol. But it is cool to be back around some old friends. Me, Joe, and Dana are gonna hang out...need to give some love out to Joe since he just had surgery. Hopefully I'll see some more of that old crew around, too...Huang is gonna be so pissed when she hears how many Orgy shows I've hit...I feel bad that I completely forgot to take her with me to one...she was the one that originally got me hooked on them...even had bought me tickets to go see them on the last tour before Amir got sick. Ah well. I'll remember for the next one. I also hope I can hang out with the "Napkin Party" gang too, lol. Get us some good Indian food and hit the LP meetings, lol. Then I got an email from my little freshman, asking me to come to his graduation, so I need to ask off for a few hours for that. Hehe...MLF is growing up, lol.

Not much else going on...well, actually, a lot is going on even as I type this. But I'm not scared. I made up my mind, and I know I have something very wonderful within my reach.

And hi big brother! I got your email, but it's a pain in the ass to reply on this connection, so I'll just say hi here. :-) I've spent two days walking around...you know what you get to do when I get back. ;-) *hugs*

Song of the Day: Poe - "Haunted" www.realpoe.com

So we're half-way through our vacation here in Florida...today was nice. Slept in very late, went outside and laid out in the hot tub all afternoon, then ate dinner. I'm getting quite a tan now...no more evil driving tan from the Orgy shows, lol. I wish my stomach would tan more, though. My arms, legs, and back do alright, but I guess since I only starting wearing bikinis a few years ago, my tummy just wants to stay white. I do have to take a picture though...you won't believe this...I guess when I slapped my tanning oil on (a very good one, too, btw...it's Banana Boat, SPF 15...I found it out in Utah. I have never seen tanning oil with that high of an SPF around here...highest we ever found was 8. So 15 is just perfect for an albino like me, lol.) I didn't really do a good job. Ok, so I have an "innie" belly button, right? Well, the inside of my belly button is sunburned. It's so wierd! I'm so talented, eh?

Hehe...read Fluffy's blog...yeah, it's so hard to have an interesting appearance when you work a corporate job. I was all ready to get an eyebrow ring and put bright red streaks in my hair when *gasp* I sold out, lmao. (Nah, my job rocks) But yeah, I sorta have to conform. It's hard when I'm someone that likes to be a bit crazy. But all is not lost...hmn...should I post this here, or should it be a surprise? Well, those of you who know me may notice that my clothing choices and appearance do change depending on the season. During the colder seasons I like have my dark hair, white skin, and gothic clothing, but during the summer I rock the tan, and wear looser, more laid back clothes...khakis and that blue flowered tank top, lol. Well, anyways...I'm going to go get my hair redone, and I'm going platinum blonde. Yeah. Should look awesome with the new tan. I'm very excited. My hair's been black or purple for several years now, so this should be an experience. I haven't been blonde since my hair was naturally that color in like, what, first grade? Hehe...I'll post pictures. But I'm hoping to get that done next week. :-)

Before I go, I just want to say (in reference to a conversation I had the other day)...there's no way in hell I'd ever get back with Steve. I hope you don't think that was a "hey, btw, get ready for this" conversation, because I have absolutely no plans like that. I know what I want, and it's conveniently enough in Tazewell, VA. :-)

I spent most of my time focusing on the one thing that was wrong, and missed out on the million things you did right.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Do Right" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

I guess when we came to Key West a few years ago I was still young and naive enough not to realize how much it sucks going there with the parents. Too young to drink, didn't know what the rainbow flags meant, and never realized the pretty glass flower vases with the holes in the side weren't really flower vases. Anyways. I couldn't even begin to describe how boring today was. Even the little shopping we managed to get in was bad...it's really gone downhill since last time we were here. Most of the stores were the same, and all really obnoxiously overpriced. However, I have convinced my parents to drop me off there on Thursday to get in some time on my own, so I hope things will go better without dragging them around every where.

Lots of music stuff happening this week. Figures that it'd all break loose the week that I don't have fast enough internet access to update the RAM blog. But yeah, news about TBM's new album, LOTS of new Fluffy photos, and a kicking new street team for Julien-K. More on that next stuff next week I imagine...I might try doing it now, but I don't trust this internet connection for anything.

Oh, and Corrie, thanks so much for the pictures! They were so cute! I showed the quidditch team one to Jeremiah, lol. That's totally us, lol. When I was packing for this trip I found something that I had found way back in January and bought for you, then forgot about (I'm so bad at this gift stuff) so anyways, I'll leave it in your apt. next week if I don't see you before you move out. *tears* College is over...

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Blue Monday" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

mindbinge: no way you could be pregnant...lmao
Zeta Vande: lmao...if I did it would be the second coming of christ
mindbinge: bahaha
mindbinge: thats my boy! little Jesus Jr.
Zeta Vande: LMAO
mindbinge: j/k
Zeta Vande: figures you'd like to be god's daddy
mindbinge: of course there would be dna testing...lmao
Zeta Vande: rotflmao
mindbinge: god gotta pay child support
mindbinge: lmao
Zeta Vande: hahahahaha
Zeta Vande: maybe you could just get a free pass outta hell
mindbinge: i'd work with that

saturday morning cartoons running bounds on your chest
sounding the crack of your belt and we knew what was best

you can laugh it away
you can cry and you might

remember how proud that you were and the look on your face
watching me play thinking we might get out of this place

you can wash it away
try with all your might
but you can't make them disappear
but you can take all their pictures down
one thing 'bout living with ghosts
well they're always around

mister i don't do anything
mister you got your voice so sing
of the man that i'm going to be
but i'm not lost inside...of me

spin the backyard dancing circles to sounds in your head
took me years to make up my own so i sleep in your bed

you can pack it away
you can seal the box tight
you can take all my pictures down
but you can't make me disappear
one thing 'bout living with ghosts
is they're nothing to fear

miss confused about everything
misses bound by a wedding ring
hope he's a man that you wished i could be
'cause you're not lost inside...of me

you can laugh it away
you can try and you might
you can run straight away
stand your ground with no fight

i've learned to embrace my fears
and keep most of my demons down
i'm one in a miriad of ghosts
in myself i have found

sometimes i don't feel anything
except the goodness in heart you bring
cannot plan what were going to be
'cause i'm not lost inside...of me
no i'm not lost inside...of me
no you're not lost inside...of me

- Jimmie's Chicken Shack, "Living With Ghosts"

mindbinge: i use to pick the stray ones up and bring them home...
Zeta Vande: ...
mindbinge: do my evil experiments on them

So I actually do have cell reception and (extremely slow) internet here. That's pretty cool.

I almost wish I didn't, though. I got online last night and it was a slap in the face. I will never ceased to be amazed at how quickly people can go from missing me to forgetting me. I really truly wonder if I'm the only person that actually feels anything.

So it made me realize what a turning point I'm in in my life. And how so many things need not be dragged out any longer. A lot of it starts with this...so many things I use the internet for in high school and college don't have a place now in my life. Too many message boards, too many blogs, too many IM convos...

Song of the Day: Alanis - "Simple Together" www.alanis.com

Finishing up lunch break...

So apparently someone was shot and killed at the Orgy Detroit show? Scary stuff. That was the show directly after the one me and Corrie went to, and the one right before the last show Lance saw...kinda freaky when you realize it so easily could have been you or someone you love.

Not much else going on. After work I've gotta run back to Tech and get my clothes and stuff, since we leave early tomorrow morning. Meh. Two full days in the car...

So yeah...I hope we'll have dial-up access down there, but if not, I'll be out of it for over a week. I might be anyways, depending on how much fun I'm having. :-)

Song of the Day: Disown - "INRI" www.disown.cc

One of the things I do at the hotel is cover the business center, so I get a chance to watch a lot of CNN. Anyone need a job? They need to hire some new people to do closed captioning. Good spelling not required. Seriously, it's rediculous how bad it is. Anyways.

The Lead Tech got married today at the hotel...must have been the shortest ceremony ever...I went downstairs 3 minutes before they were scheduled to start, and arrived in time to hear "husband and wife". Lol...did I mention it was pouring rain? It was still cute though, and I'm happy for him. Only known him for a few days, but he's a cool dude.

Quote of the day:
The Rea1 Count: I forgot how hard it is to put on eye liner.

Song of the Day: Redrum - "For You" www.redrumonline.com

So I'm trying to imagine how great next week is gonna be. :-)

Last time we went to Key West was awesome...the water was so clear and calm, and the fish and sea plants were amazing. I spent so much of my time just swimming around the dock looking at everything. Shopping is so good, too...my dad's giving me some money for graduation, so now I need to figure out what I want to get while I'm there, lol. (And still get it home in the car.)

Too bad I haven't gotten a better tan yet...I'm gonna get fried next week.

And then when I get back...I guess that's it for awhile...the trip to Cleveland and vacation are like the last big things I'll be doing for awhile it seems...welcome to going corporate, lol.

I did have a band ask me if I was interested in doing lighting for their CD release show, so I think that'll be really cool if I can do it. And another band wants me to do some promo stuff for them. So I think being able to do this stuff on the side is what's going to be what saves me from getting too bored around here. The job is great, but it's still Virginia.

I would like to take this time to say I am a true Orgy fan, and that me and Corrie drove to Cleveland and back yesterday for the concert there. We had a great time...met Grace & Teresa, who were awesome, plus Matt and Lani, two of the other interns. Found a really cool new band, Disown, who opened...really love them.

The show was great, of course. Didn't get much of a chance to talk to anyone, though we did chat with Paige for a few, and he seemed to recognize me, and then talked to Ryan breifly aftewards, and he even remembered my name. I thought that was pretty cool. Both of them totally played to me and Corrie throughout the show...we had a great place on a low balcony on house right...it was very cool.

Took more pics, but none of them really came out. Ah well.

Not much else going on...gotta start packing for Florida...

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Vague" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

I'm done.

Song of the Day: Alanis Morissette - "Bent For You" www.alanis.com

Had a great weekend. Me, Corrie, Mike, and Genna hung out last night at Corrie's apartment and had loads of fun...definately a good chill-out after graduation thing. The today, me, Corrie, Genna, and Trish went down to the river for the afternoon.

Perfect planning. Genna had her dad's Mustang convertable, and we arrived right after the first rain storm and left right before the second one. Couldn't have done it better. The water was a bit cold, but we got used to it and had a great time. Me and Corrie swam out a little ways to a big rock in the middle of the river, and that was fun...it's been so long since I've been in the water. I wish I had access to a pool again.

There were a few people down there, too, most of which were pretty cool. We also made it a point to clean up the beach since it was kinda trashed...so that was our random act of kindness for the day.

The scary thing was a few minutes after we laid out I saw a snake coming up the river. It swam up the bank and finally crawled onto a log about 10 meters up from us. I went over to check it out, and sure enough, it was a copperhead. I told everyone else it wasn't poisonous so that they wouldn't freak (sorry Corrie, lol) but yeah, the worst was about an hour later these people came down on tubes, and the snake went straight at this one dude. See, that's the thing about poisonous snakes...most snakes will run from people, but sometimes copperheads will actually attack. My dad had that happen to him once. Anyways, so I yell out that there's a snake right there, and the dude actually goes after the snake, picks it up and chucks it halfway across the river. Crazy. The guy turned out to be pretty cool...even if he was 17, lmao.

Fun times. Thinking I'm gonna call Joe in a minute and see if he wants to hang out. Can't stay out too long; gotta work tomorrow...

Song of the Day: Korn - "Let's Get This Party Started" www.korn.com

The last day or so has just been weird. Just about everyone I know is pissing me off. I'm just so tired of this crap. But instead of going off on a tirade, here's just a few select quotes from several conversations:

"It's one thing to hurt me with your ignorance. It's another thing to know what you're doing and not care enough to take action to change it."

"I can't wait until I'm rich and famous and they call me and ask for money. I'm going to tell them no, and I'm going to tell them why."

"I don't care if most people aren't like that. That doesn't change the fact that I deserve to recieve exactly what I give. I won't settle."

So I graduated today.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Pure" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Guess what this month is? Blog Anniversary Month. I usually enjoy sitting around with Heather to do the yearly sifting through life's trials and random drunken comments, but this year I had to do it myself. But I wanted to post some selected statements from the last few years...some serious, most of them funny, but all of them very important to me and my memories.

I'd also really like to share some love to everyone who has improved my life in so many ways, especially: Dana, Jeremiah, Steve, Lance, Lou, Corrie, Heather, Katherine, Danica, Skunk, and everyone else who has stuck by me in my times of need. I wouldn't be here today if it were not for you.

And now...(drum role)...the last few years in review...

I'm getting ready for Prom tomorrow...in that I'm still trying to figure out which dress I look the least ugly in. Ick. That's the thing about being an amazon super-chick techie...buff doesn't look good dressed up. Gimme my blue jeans. Just kidding, Dana...seriously, I'm wearing a dress, I promise.
- 5/10/02

I believe I've been in the sun long enough to no longer qualify as 'blindingly white'.
- 5/20/02

Hey, at least a pelican didn't dive-bomb your foot.
- 5/23/02

And, seriously, is anyone else being bombarded by National Honory Society this and National Fraternity that? Like, if I joined all of these things I'd be entitled to wear the entire Greek alphabet.
- 6/22/02

"One time, I stole some toliet paper from the janitors' closet. I felt real bad about it, but I was all out at home..." - Millet, "Fuddy Meers"
- 6/28/02

Everytime I talk to you, I feel like I'm a little closer to heaven.
- 7/1/02

[d1jay] I gotta go in 2 minutes. sorry to cut it short tonight. life's a bitch and so is my x.
- 7/27/02

You know, recently I've been doing really well with the whole being in 'unrequited love' thing. I guess once you've been doing it so long, you get used to it eventually. Actually, it's probably just knowing that things are ok with me and you now...knowing that I'm forgiven...that made me so much more peaceful. But somewhere it has to break sometimes.
I miss you.
- 8/8/02

[Orion-Working] Damn small town shits.. Shooting armadillos in their yard.
- 8/20/02

A few minutes ago, I received an email from my director about a church protesting The Laramie Project in Maryland. Because, obviously, God doesn't love gay people. I hope they come down here and protest our production of it too, because I have a thing or two to say about Christian hiprocrisy. Do you really think insult and death is an effective ministry? ORGANIZED RELIGION IS GOD'S BIGGEST ENEMY.
- 9/12/02

Heather - Today's advice for Dana: DUH!!!
- 10/1/02

LTek1: DO NOT throw a party and drink champagne and carouse merrily while in the lift.
Zeta Vande: oh, but that takes all the fun out of it
LTek1: hahaha
Zeta Vande: I mean, what else would you do with the lift?
Zeta Vande: lol
LTek1: Song and dance numbers.
- 11/15/02

Me: Oh, joy, there's a pep rally for the football team this week.
Heather: I'm gonna eat the Hokie Bird for Thanksgiving.
- 11/17/02

[GC] he's acted like a retard on national tv several times
[GC] u just did it once on his answering machine
- 1/5/03

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- 1/19/03

Jeremiah: Do you think if we cut off his head, anyone would notice?
Me: Probably not, he'd still be talking out of his ass.
- 1/28/03

All along in Human Rites rehearsal we've been encourage to be honest with each other. I was honest Thursday night about my concerns, and I ended up isolated on one side of the room and faced with an amount of ridicule and hatred that I have not seen in a long time. I was not in rehearsal Thursday night, but rather I was back in 8th grade at Holy Cross in 1st period science class with the rest of the students laughing at me, and my teachers standing by...one perpetuating it, and the other letting it happen. Six years and sixty miles away from that day, it's saddening to see how little has changed. Yeah, I'm damaged, and I think you all can understand why I cannot walk back into that room and make myself vulnerable to you again.

In regards to my original concern about our subject matter, I think the overall problem is that I couldn't even effectively communicate what was bothering me to begin with. I honestly believe that all of you have innocent motives in this matter and don't wish to hurt others, and I think that if you could have understood what I've begun to learn about people in the past two years, that you would have accepted my feelings about this, even if you didn't agree. The problem is, if I continued with this show in the current circumstances, you'd either be forcing me into a lie, or I'd be forcing you into one, and either way we'd all suffer. I'm not saying that I have the absolute right or anything, but I do know that in this case, we all believe what we believe to be true, but they're not the same things, and that would read on stage. Our goal was to present 'the question' without any sway. But when I was there, we couldn't agree on how to present that question to begin with in that matter...so if anything, I ask all of you to take this with you: Whenever you make a choice in this show, really consider whether it is innocent or not. One of the comments that night was if we continued the way I was thinking, we would get so broad that 'human' could define nothing. I couldn't agree more, and that made me realize that I shouldn't be doing a show with this subject matter, and I am truly sorry I didn't realize that sooner. I wish all of you the best of success, and I promise that I will not show up in the production in another other capacity to influence the direction of the show.

In regards to the comment about offending people, in general I don't have any problem offending people. I don't have a problem taking a social, religious, or politcal stance. In 'The Laramie Project', I hope that homophobics like Fred Phelps, Jr. were offended. In 'The Vagina Monologues', I hope that men who beat their wives were offended. But more importantly, I hope that those people were really made to consider their actions and mindset. I do not think it's acceptable to offend people just because of our own ignorance. Especially in this show, where we are talking about human equality and respect as one of our interests.

As for the comment about "it's just a show", well, for all of the better ways I can say it, I'll just stick with: Fuck You. I know, I know, it's your goddamn right to choose to do theatre for soley entertainment purposes, and that's between you and your morals - but I think it's sickening to take a show like this, and to look at it at it's best as a mainstage with a 3 week run. To each their own, but I look at theatre as something I do because I had to do it...not because I want a life of richness and fame.

In any case, it is true that I have resigned from all of my shows this semester. I'm very sorry to all of you that I left like this, especially to Bob and Susanna. But more importantly, in the words of Alanis, I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry that I've been living my life like everything is fine when it's not. When I first found out a year ago how sick I was, I decided that I wasn't gonna let it stop me; that I wasn't going to roll over in bed and wait to die. But instead, I did the complete opposite and I ignored my limitations, both physically and mentaly, and pushed myself constantly to somehow prove myself. I look back over this past year and I wonder what did that accomplished? I have lists of awards, shows, good grades, and other accomplishments...and no good memories. Every good show had the price of sleepless nights. I have all this resume, but at what cost? I woke up Friday morning and realized that theatre is no longer worth it. I shouldn't be sitting here in pain planning on waiting another 5 days to take some medication so that I can optimize my health for the Jacques Brel run. My priorities have gotten really screwed up along the way, and I'm taking back my health and my sanity.

This has been a long time in coming, and it's about time I stopped. When will I start again...honestly I don't know. Right now the plan is to (reasonably) get myself back into things next semester. But right now, I'm also pursuing the option of not coming back. For a long time theatre has meant a lot to me, but I can say that at this moment, I don't wanna walk into a theater for a long time to come. I'm scared, but I trust that God is right here beside me, and that if I'm staring into the face of a major life change, that I can do that. I'd ask all of you to be praying for me to have the strength for His intervention.
- 2/2/03

You've got your own blessed sense of huberis...there's nothing I could do to you that would be any worse than what we do to ourselves.
- 2/5/03

[Nad] goodnight loug
*** Signoff by D1Lou detected
[Digital] loug
[Valdyr] LMAO
[Digital] lmao
[Nad] i'm glad he wasn't here to see me say loug
- 2/6/03

My spoon is too big.
- 2/11/03

* Valdyr pushes Lou back on the bed and has her way with him
[Valdyr] I'm tired of boys! I wanna real man!
[Valdyr] ok, I'm done
[Valdyr] LMAO
[D1Lou] Oh My God you guys are insane tonight
[Nad] no, just val
[GC] VAL!
[GC] get off my papa!
[GC] little girls aren't supposed to walk in on stuff like that happenin to their papa's!
[Valdyr] LMAO
[Valdyr] you can call me 'Ma' from now on, LMAO
* Nad blinks
[Valdyr] (darth vader voice) GC, I am your mother's uncle's sister's chia pet
- 2/25/03

And we all know that Salem is a white Protestant Republican football-lovin' town stuck in the '50's.
- 3/2/03

Homework is an insult to my intelligence
- 3/17/03

You know, when I went to talk to Ema earlier this week, and I expressed the thought that I didn't want to hurt the cast by being involved conceptually in the show, she said she'd like to see me come in and say 'fuck you'. For the show, that's not really my stance, but in a larger sense to life in general, fuck you. Everyone. Here I am beating myself up for your sake...as if it was my fault. In the face of all of this...every situation I'm dealing with right now...being nice, friendly, considerate, respectful is NOT my responsibility to you, but rather my gift. Because I am special, I am worth something, and I personally am better than these ordeals, and I choose to make it easier. I do not owe any of you anything. So stop taking my love and spiritual values for granted...they come from a Greater Power that I choose to follow on these events...not because of any redeeming quality that you possess.
- 3/17/03

* Nad_Trashed moves up on veal
[Nad_Trashed] val
[Valdyr] veal?
[Valdyr] LMAO
[S] val i think nad just called u a piece of meat
- 3/19/03

Nad0725: would it be too mean of an april fools joke to shit on my roommate's pillow?
Zeta Vande: no
Zeta Vande: not at all
- 4/1/03

We all dig our own graves, only some do it quicker than others. Tonight I will sleep VERY well. Anger is not a sin. You just have to decide what you do with it.
- 4/10/03

Been keeping company with apathy lately
Forsaken all of my friends
Personal vulnerability simply isn't worth it
Besides, what are you putting up?

I don't mean to be so suspicious
But you see I've been hanging out with bitterness
And I just changed the deadbolts and the locks
Your pounding on the door keeps me up all night

I just had dinner with resentment
And I met vengeance for a night cap
I'll be sleeping with blame tonight
Don't plan on me remembering to call you tomorrow

Been keeping company with apathy
Been keeping company with apathy lately and I don't care
I don't care
I don't care this time

- The Last Laugh, "Deadbolt"
- 4/15/03

* D1Lou loves val back and i've missed you.
I missed you guys too...It's just hard this time around.
- 4/29/03

Is it possible that I superimposed my own bitterness on those best fit to help me?
- 5/2/03

Tonight should be remembered as attack of the killer horse flys.
- 5/13/03

You know, people used to tease me about my affinity for Star Trek, but seriously, in watching these re-runs, I realize just how much of a moral impact they did have on my social development (especially considering what I was dealing with at school back then).

"One society's general is another society's terrorist."

"I saw my problems as challenges to overcome, as opposed to obstacles to avoid."

Maybe we'd get world peace if we all watched the entire TNG series.
- 5/23/03

"What we have now is great, and I still feel that what we could have is beautiful."
- 6/2/03

Keep it real with yourself and with God - the only two people you can't lie to.
- 6/17/03

No Expectations, No Regrets.
- 6/24/03

I had a really great conversation with the props master today about my career. It's nice to be on the same ground with someone in terms of making life choices.

When I left VT this semester, I knew that this summer was going to make or break theatre for me. And I've come to the conclusion that if I can be this satisfied and have this much fun when things are going this badly (in terms of basic theatre logic) that this is exactly where I need to be. I mean, I'm working like 14 hour days, getting 5 hours of sleep at the most, being stepped on, criticized, and inconvenienced - and it's ok. It seriously is ok.

I have met the best people and the worst people in my life in theatre. There are a few people here that I can't stand; but there are a few people here that I've met that have dramatically improved the quality of my existence. And that's what it came down to - I am satisfied.

I also realized that there were a few choices I made that have drastically altered my perception of life within the few weeks that I've been here:

1) Trust God. He's gonna provide what you need when He's supposed to, so just be patient.

2) The only part of life you can control is your own perception of the situation and how you respond to it.

3) Don't internalize your work. Job stress shouldn't go home with you.

4) Don't be afraid to make a hard choice. Whether it means standing up for yourself, getting involved in a relationship, or just hopping on a plane and flying across the country for a summer job. Take a leap of faith, and make yourself vulnerable.

5) Listen to your body. It knows what time you should wake up in the morning.
- 6/27/03

Which leads me to the conclusion that theatre majors really do have more fun.
- 6/28/03

"Why can't welders come with erasers?" - Mikey
"That's gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous." - Tayneshia
- 7/3/03

Shannon: I'll buy all of you guys beer next week.
John: Before or after the show?
Me: Both.
Jeanne: It doesn't really matter.
John: We couldn't make things look any worse.
- 7/5/03

Why did I come to Utah? Who's doing the influencing and who's being influenced? How did I get in over my head, and how do I get out? Do I get out? What I just heard tonight in the past hour made my worst moments at Holy Cross look like a party; and so what if I watched a man die last year? It's nothing. But I don't know if I can do this. I love you, but I am so numbed by all of this. This day...from "trying to find where selfishness and self-respect divide", to falling down a cliff and my own self-destruction, to my best friend's misery, and to my future hopes shattered to unfortunate pasts. Unfortunate pasts. Will these ghosts ever go away?
- 7/14/03

"I know you'll be here when I need a shoulder to cry on cuz i gave myself a black eye on the bathtub or broke another window with my ass and got glass stuck in it."
- 7/15/03

I know he needs to fly, and so do I. I'm going to miss him very much...but I regret nothing that has happened, and I would do it all over again if I had the chance. I've shared in memories that I will never forget...the trip to first dam...when you told me you loved me...the look on your face when I bought you flowers for your birthday. I knew that love had to be much deeper, and I found it.
- 7/22/03

My one complaint to God when I get to heaven is, why couldn't He have come up with a better form of reproduction? I have cramps the size of Montana.
- 9/1/03

We still talk about the past a lot...still a lot to get out in the open, a lot to come to terms with. But I'm glad we're getting this resolution. If our past relationship together...if the horrible break-up...and even if our current and future relationships are to have any meaning, we have to complete this circle.
- 9/7/03

Yay for Alan Rickman in a dress!
- 11/15/03

Me and Corrie are now the proud owners of a kitten (yes, again.). It's cute. It's name is Cream Puff Hufflepuff, the Puff. (aka Puffy McPuffalot.)
- 11/21/03

Me: "Yeah, it was a 4.5"
Corrie: "Listen to us, we're all proud of our earthquake...I wonder what the people in California would think."
Me: " 'We've got aftershocks bigger than that...' "
- 12/10/03

[Krayola] how do you know its honey chicken
[D1webmaster] well...i order it and they hand it to me
[D1webmaster] and i look at it
[D1webmaster] and i say...damn...honey chicken
[Valdyr] wow, that was profound, Lance
[D1webmaster] yep
[D1webmaster] deep thoughts
[Valdyr] by D1 Webmaster
- 1/18/04

Zeta Vande: so for the third time, when are you coming to visit?
Zeta Vande: lmao
Zeta Vande: I'm impatient
mindbinge: i dunno...when u want it?
mindbinge: lmao
Zeta Vande: LMAO
Zeta Vande: "it"???
Zeta Vande: lmao
Zeta Vande: yeah...
mindbinge: let me guess...blog?
Zeta Vande: hahahahahaha
Zeta Vande: I wasn't thinking that, but that's a good suggestion
- 2/12/04

skunk1skunk2: ur not sposed to tell her about me
skunk1skunk2: u give her all these bad ideas
Zeta Vande: hey, I can't ruin chances you never even had, LMAO
- 2/16/04

Spladam84: rad sheeyat
Zeta Vande: lmao....there you go with your quasi-ghettoness
- 2/21/04

me: did Thorn call back?
Lance: yeah
me: rotflmao
Lance: he was just like...wtf was that all about?
me: LMAO
me: what'd you tell him?
Lance: i said...i got ball smacked
- 4/6/04

In response to an email I received today:
Lance: "Write him a poem back; 'If I was a dog and you were a flower...'"
- 4/10/04

I would also like to take this time and say that it is really scary how much of the content on collegehumor.com is from VA Tech. Go Hokies?
- 4/13/04

Oh, probably the coolest thing that I forgot to mention earlier is that I found a freakin' chandelier at the thrift store. It's awesome! It's a huge, gothic looking thing with dark wood trim and hand blown amber colored glass. It needs to be cleaned up...looks like it's been sitting in someone's basement for awhile. I'll have to do some touch-ups on the finish and rewire it, but other than that, it should be fabulous.

So I've gotten it done. Turned in my HODAT papers. Took my last exam. Bought cap & gown (minus the cap, since they're restocking tomorrow). Turned in DARS. As of this afternoon, everything is in order and I will be graduating, lol. Missed the diploma deadline, though, but that's managable. :-)

Had a good, though short, time with the boy yesterday. It was probably the worst possible day I could have chosen to come down, but in the end, even a bad day with Lance is better than a good day spent lonely. *snuggles* Hehe...if you're reading this, I hope it's because today is going better and you got a little free time for yourself. I love you!

Song of the Day: Vanity Beach & The Birthday Massacre - "The Knight Murders" v2.0 www.vanity-beach.com & www.nothingandnowhere.com

So I forgot to mention the other day that Steve called over the weekend. He was actually really nice, so that was cool. He says he'll send me a copy of WYSIWYG...if so, then that more than makes up for the money he owes me, lol. I guess we'll see, right?

Anyways, I am almost done...just finished writing my HODAT papers, so I'll turn those in tomorrow with the exam. Need to get my cap and gown and DARS stuff done tomorrow, and that will be it! Then Thursday I start for real at the hotel. 7am. Yuck. But I'll live. I think this will be a good thing for me.

Finally got my comp fixed. Thanks MagicMan, lol.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Happiness" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

So my first day at work was pretty good...not as boring as orientation could be anyways, lol. We got out early, so that was cool. We have the second part tomorrow, then I start on the job training on Thursday. After I got home me and my mom went shopping so I could get work clothes. It's not so bad as I thought it would be...our department just needs to wear black shoes, khaki pants, and black Hotel polos...so that's pretty cool. I also get to walk around with a radio with a nifty earpiece, so I feel special.

Met some cool people today. The guy I was sitting next to, named Darin, is starting in culinary services, and he was really nice. He's here on internship while he finishes culinary school. Then another girl who will be waitressing is really awesome...she's worked at a lot of really nice hotels, and is from Jamaica. Everyone else seems equally as fun. I think this will be a good job.

I already made it clear to my mom that I want to be moved out by the end of the summer. I'm just too old to be at home anymore.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Milk" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Heh, so wow, the Blogger user interface changed. This is gonna take some getting used to. Anyways, I am officially scared to go out during thunderstorms now. You guys may remember my horrible experience last summer in Florida concerning the lighting strikes outside my window. Well, this evening as we're coming back from my aunt's, we decided to stop at the Honda place since my mom is looking for a new car. It had been raining off and on, but nothing major, when suddenly lighting struck the transformer directly across the street from where we were standing. Sparks and smoke go everywhere as I literally dive underneath the Element we were looking at. This is just too damn freaky. *shakes fist* I must have some really weird electromagnetic thing going on.

In other news, I start work tomorrow. I'm excited, but weary too...kinda sucks that I have no transition time from school to the real world, but I guess that's the way it goes...

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Platinum" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Something cool just happened. But I can't say yet, lmao. I think I'm beginning to know how Fluffy feels on like every other blog entry she makes, lol. One of these days, when everything's done, I'm gonna have some great stories. I swear I will write a book when I'm in my eighties.

Missing the boy...he should be hanging out at the Redrum show soon if not already. I bet that'll be fun...I hope I can make it to one of their shows sometime...the more I listen to their songs, the more I like them.

Going over to my aunt's tomorrow for mother's day...they've got a pool plus the amazing flying poodle, so it should be fun. Then I have orientation Monday and Tuesday for my new job. Yep. Gonna have to go buy some new clothes. Lol, I sold out...went corporate, lol. But no, it's gonna be a great job and it is still doing what I've been wanting to do, so no worries. I just can't dye my hair purple or wear jeans and flip flops anymore. *sigh*

I need to get my hair fixed too. I think I'd be ok to keep with the black because it's more of a dark brown, but my mom's still against it. Heh...should have gotten to Springfield early and had Ryan redo my hair, right? Still can't get over how cool he was the other night. Really looking forward to that interview.

We're also getting ready for our vacation in Key West. I still think skunk should fly down and pick up Lance on the way, lmao. You guys know you want to. :-)

Been working a lot on that music site I'll be starting. Just bought my domain today: www.radio-active-music.com Nothing there yet...once I start working and get a bit of money I'll have to buy more webspace, so it'll be a week or two I imagine. But the site itself is actually almost done. I've got my artist list finished (about 30 listed so far) and about half of the individual artist pages created. I've got a huge link section, and the pre-shop page done...basically everything listed that I want to sell but won't have for a few months more I imagine. The only things left include converting the music news blog that I already have on my personal site over, adding a forum and chat room, and starting with the interviews, reviews, and downloads. So yes...I'll be contacting these bands shortly to get permission to provide mp3's and do interviews...should be loads of fun. I'll also be selling advertising space and taking on some freelance writers (for free...sorry...not that rich) so if anyone's interested in either let me know. I'm really proud of this site...I should post a screen shot soon. :-)

Song of the Day: Redrum - "Cosmic" (For Lance) www.redrumonline.com

Orgy - Act II
So the Springfield show was just as awesome! Me, Corrie, Dana, and Laura all headed up yesterday afternoon to NOVA. The drive was hilarious...Corrie kept getting honked at by truck drivers. Two words: trucker radio. We're convinced the one driver in the food truck was calling ahead to the other guys and telling them to honk at us...got kinda freaky after awhile, lmao. Then, soon after, Corrie took a bug in the mouth and proceeded to spit on my car, LMAO...I didn't notice, so I look over and just see her frantically pouring water down the side of my car while we're on the interstate...
We got to the show, got set up with everything, and watched the opening acts. All four of them...definately got your money's worth out of this show. 51 Peg was one of the opening bands and they did a fabulous job...they were all very cool, too, and their manager Elise is totally great. Me and Corrie also met some very cool people during the openers...Bubbalicious from the Julien-K message board found me, and we talked to some other really awesome people throughout the night...I love how friendly everyone has been at these shows.
Then finally Orgy took the stage and it was amazing, as always. I was able to get some good pictures again, so (once they're approved) I'll have those up on D1 soon.
But the best part by far was after the show. We hung out near the bus with a smallish group of other fans and all the guys came out...no joke, we talked to them for at least an hour. We first talked to Paige, and he was totally awesome...he and Corrie were totally hitting it off...it was cute...and so me and her got our pictures taken with him.

Then we talked to Bobby briefly, and then Ryan. I have to say at this moment Ryan is the coolest dude...he was so friendly and I swear me and him talked for like 20 minutes about all sorts of stuff...Julien-K, setting up an interview, him teasing Amir, Lance getting him an X-Box...it was fantastic. So yeah, need to get back in touch with Lou about setting that up again...I really can't wait. And again, me and Corrie got pictures, and I actually don't look twelve in this one:

Then right as we were thinking about leaving, Jay came out and we talked to him quickly, and the last picture of the evening:

So yeah...quiet ride home, just getting in as the sun was coming up. And I'm thinking I might hit the NC show tomorrow after all.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Opticon" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

So me, Corrie, Dana, and Laura are getting ready to head to Springfield for the Orgy/51 Peg show...yay! Should be loads of fun, especially since most of us have been up for three days straight doing projects and stuff. The worst part is that we can't crash at Corrie's now, so we have to drive back tonight...so we should be getting in around 6 tomorrow morning. I'm heading straight to the PAB and crashing on the couch...Heather is going to wake me up at 10 to take our HODAT final, and then I will be free! (well, provided I get these papers done before we leave this afternoon.) Why fail next week what can be failed tomorrow?
So yeah...getting ready to admire the hotness that is Orgy...pictures coming soon! :-D

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Vague" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

"It's just regurgitated Randy."
- Heather, in reference to a DG model

I got the job! I'll be working at Hotel Roanoke as a Technology Specialist...fancy name for doing sound, lights, and projections for corporate events. :-) Pays well, really great benefits, and I get to stay in town and get set up. So yeah, very happy indeed.

I've also decided that once the money starts coming in I'm gonna go ahead with my music store idea, but in a different form. I'm working on setting up a website that will deal specifically with underground glam/goth/industrial/synth rock artists. Basically, the people I work with already. But I'll be throwing in a few more well-known acts, as well as some personal favorites in different genres. But the site will have artist pages featuring exclusive mp3's, and I'll be doing reviews, interviews, news, tour/album dates, and finally a shop offering CDs. I should have this site up in the next few weeks or so, and I'll start selling music by the end of the summer.

So yeah, I'm very happy. I've been working away on stuff all today; not too much more to do. I got my last paper written for Ann, and I'm almost finished with my presentation for Astrophysics. HODAT, Design Gallery, and TA webpage is all that's left...

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Another Day" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

I like the way you shyly mutter your "I love you"'s
And the way you demand I call you
to say I've gotten home safely
I like how you hold me
and refuse to let me escape your embrace

I like cuddling while we watch TV
And the way you like to touch me
I like how you trust me

I keep coming back to the little things
They always remind me of what I have
Because in these little things you do
I see the big truth

I like staying up late in to the night
talking about everything and nothing
And how you always manage to make me feel beautiful
I never feel ashamed around you.

I see forever in your eyes
And that doesn't scare me
I comprehend this plan before me
And I trust my insticts this time

Because I keep coming back to these little things
And I know what I have
Because in these little things you do
I see the big truth

I see the big truth in my life

- The Last Laugh, "Little Things"

Getting ready to sit down and do another movie marathon to finish up my work for dance class. A few more papers to finish for David, a small presentation for astrophysics, one last page for the theatre website, and the final touches on my design gallery...and I'm done. In three days...I am done. I finally realized that, wow, I have no exams, so this is it.

Thursday is going to rock. Me and Corrie are gonna hit the the Springfield show, and it's double cool because 51 Peg is opening. I can't wait.

And probably at this moment Lance is chillin' with Jay as I write this down in Atlanta. *snuggles* I'm really glad he's taking a few days to do some fun stuff. He's been so busy lately, so I hope he's having fun hanging out with Thorn and Jay and all of them. Even if it means I have to spend a week or so on my own, lol. I wish I could have gone; had I known Spring Thing was going to be as uneventful as it was, I would have, lol. I mean, it was alright. The food was ok, and the slide show was pretty cool (seeing that half the pictures were mine) and Goo-Art made some really funny videos. My Senior Moment speach was fine I guess; I got to say what I needed to say, and it's over now. I am so ready to move on.

I went to Drunk Thing for a few minutes; we were having fun but got broken up by the cops, I suppose for being too loud, so I headed home and went to bed.

So yeah, not really an eventful weekend...I've just got this sudden burst of energy to get this all finished once and for all, so here I go...

BTW, the new JCS cd really, really, really does rock. You guys need to get it.

"That fool got a gold tooth, imitation rims
who pimped out his Prelude..."
- JCS, "Ghettoverit"

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Ghettoverit" www.jimmieschickenshack.net