My feet hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, and I'm a walking bruise. But surprisingly, I am still alive.

So I'm hoping that I will never have a tour like that again. I got 6 hours of sleep in the last 72...but now I'm home, and I have nothing to do until tomorrow's shows.

Things actually weren't as bad as they could have been. We had some problems, but for the most part we got our job done, and didn't kill each other in the process. I got back in time for Face this morning, and that went just fine. I told you. *sigh*

And Steve is really just amazing. What a wonderful few days together, despite the horrid working conditions. It's so nice just to curl up and sleep with him. At least this time we actually had beds made for two people. :-)

I hope that these last 2 weeks are just as good...with more sleep, that is.

Deep thoughts, not by Jack Handy:

Do not treat your volunteers badly, otherwise they'll un-volunteer. And you're screwed.

So I'm here, working my ass off for my job, and I'm told that I'm not going on the tour because "she just wants to party"...if that's the case, then why did I volunteer to do the one show I had off? Yeah, look at my contract. I'm not assigned to Face for lighting, and not assigned to Fiddler at all. If I really wanted to party, I'd just stay home. Here I am doing you guys favors, and you want to treat me like this? I have never worked for people who were so ungreatful. Good grief.

I should just go home, but I'm not going to. Because no matter how you wanna run things, I'm better than this, and I'll do my job, and do it well. But you've done nothing to deserve it.

I forgot to mention that I uploaded all the other pics from yesterday to my travel pics section on my website...more pics of Steve, my friends, the area, and the jetskiing. :-)

Off to work I go...another day in the seventh level of heaven (follow spot). At least Fiddler is first, being that it's the harder of the two shows. And I got my digital camera working again, so at least I can take a few more pictures for my portfolio while I'm up there.

I am soooo dreading this tour. We are going to get no sleep for days. The good thing is at least it's only 2 people to a room, instead of 4, so at least I get my own bed this time. Hehe...me and Jeanne are rooming together, as well as Mike and Steve, so that we can enjoy as much time with our respective partners as possible! I should take a picture of them too...they're so good together.

Argh! I hate that we all have to leave each other at the end of this. It's so hard to be so happy but know that it's about to end. I'm in the process of reorganizing my class schedule, while Steve gets his contract today for the tour. I so hope that the tour comes somewhere near me in Virginia. But, in the end, I think that this is the beginning of the end.

BTW, Dana, I'm going to try calling you again tonight. I'll try getting online first...I should be home a little after midnight, your time.

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Welcome to the End"

Today we went jetskiing...it was sooooooooo much fun. Steve is just amazing...when he wasn't scaring me, lol! Today will definately go down as one of the best experiences I've had here. And at the end of the day, he cooks me a fabulous dinner of steak and shrimp...*sigh* I'm feeling fat and sassy. :-D



Jeremiah, I'm glad we're talking again.

Song of the Day: No Doubt - "Hella Good"

I guess my friends didn't want to tell me, but I found out anyways. I'm not jealous, nor am I angry or hateful. I truly pity them both. I think this will be a miserable mistake, but that's not my place to decide.

Anyways, we're gearing up for our tour of Fiddler next week. That's gonna suck...like, absolutely no sleep for 3 days. I've also been catching up on work for this coming year. I updated the APsiO calendar, and we should begin planning soon. I'm also confirming show positions for the year...I think that I'm pretty much set. I still need to rearrange my class schedule, but for the most part I'm quite prepared to return.

But I don't want to. I like these distractions a little too much. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to finishing this, and beginning my career and life.

Steve more than likely will not be taking the job in Virginia right away. He's been offered a fabulous tour job until July. I'm really happy for him, but I will miss him a lot. I guess I was hoping to have his support when I came back home, but it seems that I am destined to stand alone again this year. Welcome to my life. He might take the Virginia job afterwards, but it probably won't matter being that I want to get as far away from home as possible. The pains of having a short term relationship...

Quote of the Day:
Wynn: At least we get the day off tomorrow.
Laura: Aside from the part we have to work.

This summer has been one of those times when I feel like I've grown so many years in such a short amount of time. Maybe I didn't learn as much about the theatre trade as much as I would have liked to, but I learned a lot about the work environment and life.

Things are getting a lot better with me and Steve again. Now that we calmed down a bit, things are a lot better and the pressure is off. He's still trying to decide what to do at the end of the year. In a way, I really want him to come home with me, but I know he needs to fly, and so do I. I'm going to miss him very much...but I regret nothing that has happened, and I would do it all over again if I had the chance. I've shared in memories that I will never forget...the trip to first dam...when you told me you loved me...the look on your face when I bought you flowers for your birthday. I knew that love had to be much deeper, and I found it.

Song of the Day: Alanis Morissette - "Head Over Feet"

There's one statement I never wanted to have to yell on stage: "Arbor running, clear the stage."
Too late.
Today during changeover, the break failed on one of the linesets and the arbor ran. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt, but that was plain luck.
I don't work the show tonight, but I'm dying to find out what's going on now...I would assume this would shut us down completely, but I guess we'll see.
Moral of the Day: Stupid people shouldn't work in jobs of responsibility.

Today has been a day of reaffirming my own being.

So, to make a long story short...while Steve has been a wonderful boyfriend, some things weren't going so well. I was so worried in the beginning that I wasn't ready to move on, but in the end it's his past life that's blocking this from continuing. But the relationship isn't a failure. I didn't fall down, I didn't lose myself...I am who I am. It's like I finally won, or something.

Me and Steve are still together, but we're just letting things cool down for awhile. I guess it just got too heavy too fast. That's not what summer flings are about, lol! I hope that we'll have nice relationship for the rest of the summer, and then part our ways and head back to our respective homes and remain good friends.

This summer has been a learning experience, a freeing experience, and a nice distraction. But it's time to start getting ready to head back home, and back to the reality I left behind there. But now I know who I am, and what I have to do...and I don't need affirmation from anyone else anymore. I'm self-satisfied.

Zeta Vande: we should write a book
Nad0725: it would need to be called something like
Nad0725: "Incoherant ramblings of total strangers"
Zeta Vande: "what crack should be like"
Zeta Vande: LMAO
Nad0725: just record a dialogue between us over a period of 22hours and 14 minutes (just to be arbitrary)
Zeta Vande: and hint at some deep philosophical/religious/moral/political meaning to 22 hours and 14 minutes, just so that fred campbell can talk about it to his class, and then we can laugh at him
Nad0725: LMAO
Nad0725: ok, when do you move in to your apartment?
Zeta Vande: I always wanted to do this, LMAO
Nad0725: we need two bottles of rum, a bottle of vodka, a tape recorder, and 10 cassettes
Zeta Vande: this is like a life ambition
Zeta Vande: ...and you know, this is so going on the blog

Quote of the Day: "I know you'll be here when I need a shoulder to cry on cuz i gave myself a black eye on the bathtub or broke another window with my ass and got glass stuck in it."

You have crabs, but thanks - I love you too. :-D

Dear God...where am I and what am I doing?

A full day spent attempting to figure out my purpose. Why did I come to Utah? Who's doing the influencing and who's being influenced? How did I get in over my head, and how do I get out? Do I get out? What I just heard tonight in the past hour made my worst moments at Holy Cross look like a party; and so what if I watched a man die last year? It's nothing. But I don't know if I can do this. I love you, but I am so numbed by all of this. This day...from "trying to find where selfishness and self-respect divide", to falling down a cliff and my own self-destruction, to my best friend's misery, and to my future hopes shattered to unfortunate pasts. Unfortunate pasts. Will these ghosts ever go away?

Dear God...it's so out of my hands this time. More so than ever. All I can do is hope that the price of my tears and sacrifice will keep others from paying a price they don't have to pay. Let me be the one I should have been before. Let me be right when I usually am so wrong.

Dear God
I just can't pray enough tonight
I'm in a place where I am scared
And I need you more than ever

I wasn't ready for this
And I want to run away
This isn't my problem
But then why would you put me here

I believe that everything has a purpose
And I know I won't die until my life is done
So show me what there is to do
And I'll see it through

I'm finding out what real love is
And I wish I didn't
I wish I was still naive, demanding, and selfishly satisfied
I wasn't ready for this sacrifice

But no sacrifice compares
And I know

- The Last Laugh "Dear God"

So, Dana...uh, wow. Tame the fro and we've got a stud muffin on our hands. Seriously, that looks really good.

In other news, today was a bit better. I didn't get yelled at quite as much, and I got off work at a reasonable hour. On top of that, I came home to pictures from the Salem fair, so I'm really ready to sleep. Thanks, Dad, lol.

I just had a really great evening with the stage manager from WoZ as well...I'm so glad I've met some of these people. What's wierd though is that she knows 3 of the 4 stage managers at Penn Shakes...we all know who the 4th is.

Speaking of unfortunate pasts, I was wondering how he was doing today. Steve came to work upset this morning because his ex had been raped earlier this week...I guess I really hadn't thought too much about home and all that shit I left behind until now. I suppose that there's nothing too spectacular going on, but at the same time I think my friends care about me too much to really keep me up to date on things I shouldn't be worried about anymore.

And why should I? It's all done; and I came here with the specific intent to leave everything behind for a few months. But I should have known that my cell phone and laptop wouldn't let that seperation be complete...and I don't want to abandon my friends that might need me.

I guess I've just never been one to walk away from my problems. I really tried this time to run far away, but instead I just brought them with me, and I have a whole new set of issues here. But it's not like I'm miserable; I've grown so much these past few weeks, and I have Steve to thank for a lot of that. I know that I'm gonna come back to Virginia in a much better state of mind, but I'm still not looking forward to facing two specific people who obviously had no regard for me.

But I can only control my response, and this time I know I'm in a much better position to handle things more appropriately. There's a reason I wear this necklace.

Quote of the Day: "Screw beer...I want some coke after this is over."

Nothing like coming home from a hard day at work and chillin' to a few re-runs of M*A*S*H and Dharma & Greg. :-D

Today really sucked, actually. I hate stupid people.

Dana - you kick ass. You know that.

Quote of the Day: Suck it. (for obvious reasons)

Such a relaxing day...I didn't get up until 1...went shopping, spent some time lounging around with Steve, then went to the company picnic. I'm really enjoying being with someone who I can have such a low-key relationship.

I'm getting ready to start on my physical copy of my bid for Fluffy Starr's lighting design...it's gonna be fun, regardless of how it turns out.

Song of the Day (for Dana): Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Spiderweb"

Fun times with dress rehearsals. Followspot is so relaxing. I'm glad that the only really demanding show for me is Nabucco, and even still, the stage managers have that down to an art form. Not considering all of the previous problems bitched about, it is so nice to be working with professionals. Granted, some people here suck, but others just rock the world of theatre. I just hope that going back to Tech isn't a huge let-down for me. Especially since I am considering staying in college for the 4th year.

Quote of the Day: "There's a face behind every scar." - Plumb

I think I'm too nice for my own good. I just gave up my one show off to run followspot so that my boyfriend doesn't have to. But the way I figure it, by this time when I'm so tired, it just can't get any worse.

In the way, I'd almost rather spend time bored out of my mind in the nosebleed section of the theatre than continuing to build shows that should have been done awhile ago.

More tech week quotes:

Shannon: I'll buy all of you guys beer next week.
John: Before or after the show?
Me: Both.
Jeanne: It doesn't really matter.
John: We couldn't make things look any worse.

"I think I have a rash, too." - Wynn

After staying until 3am in a last ditch effort to get Fiddler finished before first dress, I was able to take the morning off and catch up on some sleep.

But I am still...so...very...tired...

Things are going well, though. Nabucco didn't do too badly last night, and I shouldn't have too much more to do on Butterfly and Wizard today. Maybe I can even catch some fireworks tonight or something.
Not much else going on...me and Steve haven't even had time to sleep much less hang out these last few days. The joys of trying to have a relationship during tech week.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling really dead inside today. I hope I can get home early tonight.

Song of the Day: Portishead - "Wandering Star"

Tech week quotes:
"Why can't welders come with erasers?" - Mikey
"That's gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous." - Tayneshia

So...very...tired...

Dana & Joe - still praying for you guys; call me if you need me.

Song of the Day: Deficit - "Loathe"