[iRock]

Apparently my label is more "legit" now for two reasons: 1) My latest two releases (dharmata 101 - "Protest Songs for the Content" and xUBERx - "Rogue State") will be available on iTunes within a month; and, 2) xUBERx's tracks are apparently on P2P filesharing...if people care enough to steal it, then we must be cool.

Otherwise, just plodding along I suppose. Nothing really great or really horrible happening; work is ok, personal life is ok...just getting on with it. Me and JSun have been doing alright I suppose - he decided over the weekend that he did love me after all, but the damage has already been done. I still hope we can get beyond this...but the doubt that's in the back of my mind hasn't been turned off by any means...I'm just trying not to focus on it too much so that we can move on. On the flip side, there are some obvious signs that he wants to be with me for the long haul - like the house hunting (we're looking for a castle-esque rowhouse in NW), or how he pointed to a bouncy kid in Ikea and said "That's what we have to look forward to." Not that I'm looking at having kids anytime soon...but I know (and I guess I have always at least trusted him on this) that the potential for something lasting is indeed here, even if we haven't made any real commitment yet. My mom seems to be under the impression that we'll be engaged by Christmas; I know it's gonna be a lot longer for that, but that's perfectly fine with me...I'm in no rush, and if that is indeed what's in our future, I wanna know we're both positive.

Speaking of relationships, I'm a little bit hurt by something I noticed today. Every once in awhile I pop on Facebook and do a little "poking" to some friends, since (I admit with regret) I'm kind of a lousy friend lately since I'm so consumed by work, and it's like my way of letting people know I still think about them even though my social life is shot. Anyways, I had noticed a couple of months ago that when I had written something on Jacob's wall that it got deleted. I was kind bewildered by it at the time, and just let it go. Tonight I thought about just SuperPoking him or something, and when I went to do it I noticed he was no longer on my friends list. I cross-referenced myspace and noticed I'm off both his personal and band lists, too. (Wow, I just realized how incredibly emo-teenybopper-iCrap this paragraph is reading, but really...in my defense, I decided to cut to the chase and email him asking what's up.) My only instinct is that maybe his current SI may not like him talking to ex's (not something I agree with, but hey, everyone's not me) and maybe that's why he deleted a comment. But to de-friend me completely? When we haven't even talked in probably a year? Really?

I guess it just makes me think about a conversation I had with someone else the other week about the meaningfulness of previous relationships. I've never been one to just cut away a previous relationship, pretending that that chunk of my life never happened. And frankly, I don't see how anyone can, either. I mean, sure, if a relationship ends badly I do tend to walk away for a bit - but I always come back (just as I always intend). But how can anyone just turn around and pretend that love never existed at all? I'll always care for anyone I've ever loved in this life - it doesn't mean it's an active, pursuing love...I still love some of my ex's in a platonic way, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna get back together with them, or that my current boyfriend should be concerned about my feelings or the possiblity of a rekindling. That's not me, that's not how I work. But on the flip side, it scares me to hear how people have spent years of their lives with someone else...and then can just walk away and ignore everything that happened, and say that they don't love that person anymore.

It makes me wonder if they ever felt love to begin with.

Which still makes me wonder if what I feel is just somehow overall greater than what most people exude in this world. I can't imagine a day when I'd ever say I don't still love people like Lance or Jacob in some quiet and content sort of way. I'm at peace...I wish you were, too.

It's like I'm in color but you're in shades of gray
I try to fill you in with my love, but you push the brush away.

[but together...]

"I love you. Take care of yourself, ok?"
"Love you, too."

Yeah, things ended up coming to a place of peace I hadn't even hoped for.

The weekend overall has been pretty good, in spite of the lousy start. The Psyclon Nine show kicked major ass (even though I believe they got kicked out of Jaxx for breaking some things on stage, oi), and it was great saying hi to everyone again. Then, Sunday, I went into DC early to hang out with Marius (and cash in on that backrub) before their show @ Grog & Tankard. The venue itself was bigger than I was expecting, but damn, the door guy was less than desirable to work with. What kind of venue doesn't take into account that some (or, um, most?) bands have roadies, managers, merch girls, etc., and that it's usual for venues to let auxiliary tour personal into the venue for free with the band. I mean, seriously?

Me and JSun have decided to work things out in the end, but honestly things really just aren't the same. But maybe that's ok...in a way, it's kinda like starting over and going more slowly. But...I can feel this new hesitation that's cropped up now whenever I'm around him, and I know he notices it, too. I just hope he really understands how well he undermined the trust in this relationship with what he did. It's not something that can't ultimately be overcome - but it's gonna take awhile. But - we both work a lot, so I hope that will be a good distraction and healing element over the next few weeks and months.

I had a great phone convo with Colleen on Saturday, which rocked. I miss her, and hopefully we can get together and hang out sometime this week or next.

Things on the music side of things are interesting, I guess. I started a new job last week with PMD Promotions, and so far it's alright. I really like the job itself - basically I Metro into the district and walk a new route everyday, putting up posters. I get to meet a lot of new people and get some great exercise. The hours are good, and the pay is adequate. However, DC is a hard place to paper, since more and more stores are become high-end retail outlets or major chains like Starbucks, etc. So, that in itself might be the downfall to the job - just not enough work to go around for steady employment. We'll see though...I may just do this part time and try to work more at Alden and at other odd jobs. For instance, next weekend I'm working as a demo model for Endless Pools - basically I get paid a nice chunk of money to swim in one of their training pools at a trade show, lol! Should be awesome.

Other than that, things are good...I'm just tired a lot. I think the new job along with the new medication are contributing to that mostly.

Anyways, I better get back to work...

[but together we are exiled]

Gah. Things will be ok for a few weeks and then BAM! More trouble.

So me and JSun kinda got into it again last night. I was stressed and upset about some things, and really just needed him to sit up with me so I could talk about it. And the thing is, he keeps asking me to open up to him more...the problem is (and I think always has been) is that he doesn't ever seem to understand that love and compassion aren't always gonna be needed at the most convenient times.

Ok, I'm sorry that it seems like I need a friendly ear most often at 1am. I think, logically so, that I'm most prone to get upset about something right before I go to sleep (as opposed to the middle of the day, etc.) simply because I'm so f'ing busy during the day, that things that are nagging me really don't come to light until everything else is out of the way. I know that it's tough on other people, especially when those people have to be up early in the morning...but at the same time...if anyone called me at 3am and needed me, I would fucking be there for them. So is it too much of me to ask my friends (or boyfriend) to give me the same kind of support.

Apparently so. His reasoning is that I can't expect everyone to be as nice and supportive of me, the way that I am of them. Hmn. Really? I mean, I'm surrounded by friends who I know I could call up at 3am if I needed them. No matter what. So I guess the unasked question for him is...why the hell am I dating you?

I thought we got to a pretty good place by around 2:30 (considering we had to first fight about whether or not I was justified in asking my boyfriend to give me some comfort when I was upset, even though he had to be at work at 7am...and then get on to the actual problem that was bothering me), so we headed to bed. I was about to go to sleep so I told him I loved him, as I always do, and he didn't respond. Anyways, to make a long story short, he basically admitted to me that he didn't really feel that way about me after all...even though he'd been using the L word for over two months now.

So...awesome. Now what? And why the hell is he so open and ready for us to move in together if he's not even sure he feels strongly about me? And what about that night in Richmond, when I was screaming at him in the car, telling him that if he just admitted that he didn't love me that I'd be ok, why didn't he then tell me? This would have been almost three weeks behind us now.

I spent so much time crying throughout the night/morning that my eyes are half swollen shut. I finally looked at the clock and realized that he was late for work (which he promptly blamed me for - because, obviously, the amount of alcohol he consumed AND the fact that he hit the snooze button six times had NOTHING to do with it.), so he left in a huff, and I headed out soon after. I'm just throwing up my hands at this point; I've got too much else to worry about this weekend to deal with this anymore now.

So yeah, moving on, today is the day of finality (I hope). I'll be heading over to Jaxx around 6pm or so...I guess we'll see what happens. All I want, really, is for Joe to understand that he meant a lot to me. That's all. It was never about me getting anything at all...all I know is that in some ways he seemed so much like me. Especially in how I got the impression that he, like me, has never really felt love. And after getting figuratively stabbed in the heart this weekend, it just reminds me more than ever how terrible loneliness and lovelessness feels...and if I could do something to prevent him from feeling half as bad as I do right now...

I wish I had finished recording "Self-Esteem". I think it might get the point across better. Somehow the idea of walking up to him after his set tonight and saying, "For what it's worth, I just want you to know that I loved you and you really meant a lot to me" just isn't going to cut it. Like I told JSun, it's like pouring water on a brick wall; no matter how much I throw at him, the inside remains dry and oblivious to the outside flow.

"I really care about you."
"That's weird, you don't even know me."

And tomorrow, Marius will be back in town while Cynergy 67 is on tour. That'll be nice, actually. I could use a good friend...and a good backrub.