[but together we are exiled]
Gah. Things will be ok for a few weeks and then BAM! More trouble.
So me and JSun kinda got into it again last night. I was stressed and upset about some things, and really just needed him to sit up with me so I could talk about it. And the thing is, he keeps asking me to open up to him more...the problem is (and I think always has been) is that he doesn't ever seem to understand that love and compassion aren't always gonna be needed at the most convenient times.
Ok, I'm sorry that it seems like I need a friendly ear most often at 1am. I think, logically so, that I'm most prone to get upset about something right before I go to sleep (as opposed to the middle of the day, etc.) simply because I'm so f'ing busy during the day, that things that are nagging me really don't come to light until everything else is out of the way. I know that it's tough on other people, especially when those people have to be up early in the morning...but at the same time...if anyone called me at 3am and needed me, I would fucking be there for them. So is it too much of me to ask my friends (or boyfriend) to give me the same kind of support.
Apparently so. His reasoning is that I can't expect everyone to be as nice and supportive of me, the way that I am of them. Hmn. Really? I mean, I'm surrounded by friends who I know I could call up at 3am if I needed them. No matter what. So I guess the unasked question for him is...why the hell am I dating you?
I thought we got to a pretty good place by around 2:30 (considering we had to first fight about whether or not I was justified in asking my boyfriend to give me some comfort when I was upset, even though he had to be at work at 7am...and then get on to the actual problem that was bothering me), so we headed to bed. I was about to go to sleep so I told him I loved him, as I always do, and he didn't respond. Anyways, to make a long story short, he basically admitted to me that he didn't really feel that way about me after all...even though he'd been using the L word for over two months now.
So...awesome. Now what? And why the hell is he so open and ready for us to move in together if he's not even sure he feels strongly about me? And what about that night in Richmond, when I was screaming at him in the car, telling him that if he just admitted that he didn't love me that I'd be ok, why didn't he then tell me? This would have been almost three weeks behind us now.
I spent so much time crying throughout the night/morning that my eyes are half swollen shut. I finally looked at the clock and realized that he was late for work (which he promptly blamed me for - because, obviously, the amount of alcohol he consumed AND the fact that he hit the snooze button six times had NOTHING to do with it.), so he left in a huff, and I headed out soon after. I'm just throwing up my hands at this point; I've got too much else to worry about this weekend to deal with this anymore now.
So yeah, moving on, today is the day of finality (I hope). I'll be heading over to Jaxx around 6pm or so...I guess we'll see what happens. All I want, really, is for Joe to understand that he meant a lot to me. That's all. It was never about me getting anything at all...all I know is that in some ways he seemed so much like me. Especially in how I got the impression that he, like me, has never really felt love. And after getting figuratively stabbed in the heart this weekend, it just reminds me more than ever how terrible loneliness and lovelessness feels...and if I could do something to prevent him from feeling half as bad as I do right now...
I wish I had finished recording "Self-Esteem". I think it might get the point across better. Somehow the idea of walking up to him after his set tonight and saying, "For what it's worth, I just want you to know that I loved you and you really meant a lot to me" just isn't going to cut it. Like I told JSun, it's like pouring water on a brick wall; no matter how much I throw at him, the inside remains dry and oblivious to the outside flow.
"I really care about you."
"That's weird, you don't even know me."
And tomorrow, Marius will be back in town while Cynergy 67 is on tour. That'll be nice, actually. I could use a good friend...and a good backrub.
So me and JSun kinda got into it again last night. I was stressed and upset about some things, and really just needed him to sit up with me so I could talk about it. And the thing is, he keeps asking me to open up to him more...the problem is (and I think always has been) is that he doesn't ever seem to understand that love and compassion aren't always gonna be needed at the most convenient times.
Ok, I'm sorry that it seems like I need a friendly ear most often at 1am. I think, logically so, that I'm most prone to get upset about something right before I go to sleep (as opposed to the middle of the day, etc.) simply because I'm so f'ing busy during the day, that things that are nagging me really don't come to light until everything else is out of the way. I know that it's tough on other people, especially when those people have to be up early in the morning...but at the same time...if anyone called me at 3am and needed me, I would fucking be there for them. So is it too much of me to ask my friends (or boyfriend) to give me the same kind of support.
Apparently so. His reasoning is that I can't expect everyone to be as nice and supportive of me, the way that I am of them. Hmn. Really? I mean, I'm surrounded by friends who I know I could call up at 3am if I needed them. No matter what. So I guess the unasked question for him is...why the hell am I dating you?
I thought we got to a pretty good place by around 2:30 (considering we had to first fight about whether or not I was justified in asking my boyfriend to give me some comfort when I was upset, even though he had to be at work at 7am...and then get on to the actual problem that was bothering me), so we headed to bed. I was about to go to sleep so I told him I loved him, as I always do, and he didn't respond. Anyways, to make a long story short, he basically admitted to me that he didn't really feel that way about me after all...even though he'd been using the L word for over two months now.
So...awesome. Now what? And why the hell is he so open and ready for us to move in together if he's not even sure he feels strongly about me? And what about that night in Richmond, when I was screaming at him in the car, telling him that if he just admitted that he didn't love me that I'd be ok, why didn't he then tell me? This would have been almost three weeks behind us now.
I spent so much time crying throughout the night/morning that my eyes are half swollen shut. I finally looked at the clock and realized that he was late for work (which he promptly blamed me for - because, obviously, the amount of alcohol he consumed AND the fact that he hit the snooze button six times had NOTHING to do with it.), so he left in a huff, and I headed out soon after. I'm just throwing up my hands at this point; I've got too much else to worry about this weekend to deal with this anymore now.
So yeah, moving on, today is the day of finality (I hope). I'll be heading over to Jaxx around 6pm or so...I guess we'll see what happens. All I want, really, is for Joe to understand that he meant a lot to me. That's all. It was never about me getting anything at all...all I know is that in some ways he seemed so much like me. Especially in how I got the impression that he, like me, has never really felt love. And after getting figuratively stabbed in the heart this weekend, it just reminds me more than ever how terrible loneliness and lovelessness feels...and if I could do something to prevent him from feeling half as bad as I do right now...
I wish I had finished recording "Self-Esteem". I think it might get the point across better. Somehow the idea of walking up to him after his set tonight and saying, "For what it's worth, I just want you to know that I loved you and you really meant a lot to me" just isn't going to cut it. Like I told JSun, it's like pouring water on a brick wall; no matter how much I throw at him, the inside remains dry and oblivious to the outside flow.
"I really care about you."
"That's weird, you don't even know me."
And tomorrow, Marius will be back in town while Cynergy 67 is on tour. That'll be nice, actually. I could use a good friend...and a good backrub.
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