Wheee! Tonight was our first preview night and it went really well! The audience was packed and people really seemed to enjoy it. This is the point in time when things get easier for me, so it was a good day. On a side note, the LD made a comment tonight that he was really pleased with the way I had done the board, which made me feel nice; plus I think I endeared myself to another one of the staff members when I offered to bring in some of my BNC cable to help with their video problems. So if all goes well, I should have secured my place in this town.

RAM goes well - I have over 500 people on the site as of tonight. That's more than a 400% increase of interest since the end of December. I have so much traffic I actually exceeded my bandwidth (oops!) but Lee is awesome and fixed me right away, so all is well. The compilation album is turning out to be awesome...I've had a few more (and some of the larger) bands I work with say they'll donate a song, so I'm really hopeful. I should be able to put out a tentative tracklisting soon.

Not much else going on. I'm debating about whether or not I should call Drama King. He called yesterday morning and left a message saying he wanted to talk about previous events, even though both me and Corrie had told him to just drop the subject. I don't want to deal with this anymore, but now I feel like an ass for ignoring him. Dammit. Why can't you just leave me alone?!

Feeling a bit lonely tonight. I had a fun conversation with the stage manager tonight; she's having dramatic issues with her current boy, so it was nice to have an in depth convo with someone there finally, but on the other hand it made me kind of sad. Dammit. I just want someone to cuddle with. I mentioned the same thing to Jacob last night and we decided I need to get a fat fluffy cat that will set on my feet and purr at night. Yeah...

Song of the Day: Heretics In The Lab - "The Living" www.hereticsinthelab.com

So life in the big city continues. Rehearsals haven't been too bad. I think I'm doing ok; probably not as experienced as anyone else, but I'm holding my own at least. I came home today with a nagging feeling, though, that the Lighting Designer hates me, so I dunno what's up with that. Maybe I got into shit being 20 minutes late because of two accidents on I66? I dunno. I guess as time goes on I'll fit in there a bit better.

The good news is I got out early tonight, so me and Corrie chilled at Kirkpatrick's for awhile. We immediately ran into Drama King, but I was civil - nice even - and things were ok until Corrie went for another drink and I was left alone with him. Ok, any dude in his right mind would have NEVER brought up what happened again, but what does he launch into? Gah. I tried to evade it for a bit, but he pressed the subject, so me (after a few beers and a stressful rehearsal that left me with ZERO tolerance for shit) told him exactly what I thought of him in about five short words. Yeah. He left us alone after that, for the most part. Poor Corrie was trying to referree at that point, but it was just too far gone. I tried, really - I was honestly really nice (more than he deserved, in my opinion) but still with the drama! Gah!

I was kinda hoping Chad (Chaz?) from last week might show up. Hmn, I haven't mentioned him here, have I? So me and Corrie went to Ned Devine's last week to see a band she's friends with play, and I met this really chill guy. He's in the Air Force (a helicopter pilot) and was very nice and lively (and pretty damn hot too...huge biceps...rowr) and I mentioned that we go to KP's a lot. Thought there was a connection there, but haven't seen him since. But on the other hand, we've only been to the bar twice in the last two weeks, so I can't really complain, lol. Ah well. It's NoVA...there are a lot of people up here, lol.

There was a band tonight at KP's that was pretty cool, so we chatted with the singer and bassist for awhile afterwards. So the night was still quite cool - it seems I still have some charm even when I roll into the pub with no make-up and my leatherman still on my belt, lmao. Good times. :-)

Tomorrow me and Corrie are going to finish painting the living room / entryway. So that will be awesome.

In the meantime, I'm going to crash out now and get a much needed 12 hours of sleep...

Song of the Day: Circle of Dust - "Mesmerize" www.celldweller.com

First of all, watch this:
Harry Potter & The Socerer's Bone

Anyways, tech rehearsals are going well. Tomorrow is a 10 out of 12 - for you non-theatre people, that means it's 12 hours of rehearsals with two one hour breaks. So that's gonna be a long day.

I just ate Taco Bell and it was really good.

My old man is coming to visit on Valentine's Day. He doesn't know it yet, but he will soon. ;-)

...but if that doesn't work out, at least I get to see my big brother, yay! Jeremiah is going back to his ship next month, but I'll get to see him again before that. :-D

*taps on glass* Anyone still reading this?

Yes, I am alive and well, and now with internet again. *hugs DSL modem* I went for what, six days without checking my email? That hasn't happened in, uh, years. Needless to say I was getting rather antsy, but all is now well in the house of Laura and Corrie.

So what's happened? Well, I've started my job at the Wolly Mammoth theatre, and it's been a real learning experience. It's hard work, and in a lot of ways has brought back my interest in theatre. I guess over the last few years I kind of felt like I had done everything there was to do with lighting, but then I'm running board for this awesome designer, Colin, and he's doing things with the Express that I didn't know existed. Really inspiring, and showed me that there is more to learn. So I'm having fun, working in the big city, and becoming accostumed to this life. So far, so good.

I also got the job with Corrie's company, so I start with them in a little over a week once we get out of tech rehearsals in DC. So that will also be fun, and hopefully will bring in some more money.

I'm ALMOST settled in now...I got my room painted over the weekend, but still haven't quite finished unpacking due to the unfortunate loss of my computer desk hardware. I have no clue where it is. I'm gonna look for it more this weekend, but I'm at the point of saying fuck it and throwing it out. Half of the desk desintegrated already just in travel. I'm pretty damned pissed about it because it's a kick ass desk and nothing else will fit as well as it was going to, nor do I really wanna drop that much money on something else.

Corrie is the most awesome roommate ever, but you guys already knew that. We've still been doing our 104 thing, just haven't been able to update that in awhile either. I think our best excursion over the last two weeks was "secret agent day" We decided to dress all in black and stage a drop-off at a local bar we don't frequent. So I go in first, carrying my black leather bag and wearing sunglasses (at 9 at night) and sit down and don't talk to anyone or order anything. She comes in a few minutes later. Sits down, we don't talk at all, we just order one beer. At this point, people are starting to look over at us. Finally, I finish my beer, look at her and nod once, and leave without the bag. As soon as I leave she dives into the bag as if checking to see if everything is there, then slams down some money on the table and bolts. You know those people freaked out, lmao. It was highly awesome, so we went down the street to our favorite pub and enjoyed the rest of the evening. Rock on.

Ok, I think that's enough for one night. Got lots more shit to check on...

So let's see...what got done today?
Cleaned out PO Box
One prescription refilled (left the other one at home...doh!)
Bought my old man a very late Christmas present
Met my old man for lunch
Proof of residency sent to my credit company
Car realigned, balanced, tires rotated
Drank with Stephen, Andrew, and Camille
Jammed with Alienhead

Things to do tomorrow:
Pick up packaging materials for RAM promo kits
Get new stamps
Get OTHER Rx refill
Go to bank
Meet my old man for lunch again :-)
Pick up paint
Take random things I left here back with me
Drink with Corrie
Get on with my life

In all honesty, my old band's practice was great! They are sounding sooo good! They've gone towards a more straight up hard rock feel, but it's awesome! I was really impressed. I can't wait to see their show.

In other news, and in as about as vague terms as I can say, it seems like something interesting (though rather sad) might be about to happen, as I had actually suspected. It's what happens when peoples' heads get bigger than their product. The entertainment industry already has a bunch of jerks in it...they don't need you, heh. Attitude gets you nowhere...

Oi. You ever have those days that are so emotionally overwhelming that you wake up the next day feeling hungover even though you hadn't drank the night before? Yeah.

Yesterday was rediculous. I started off the day in a kind of bad mood, simply because of the night before. No, let me start before that.

Ok, remember the boy from New Years? Well, me and him have been talking and "trying to work stuff out" (I swear I've never had this much drama with someone I don't even know) and things had been going pretty well. But I guess over the week I started getting stressed out, partially because of work, partially because of my old man, and I guess just the strain of being in a completely new life basically. So anyways, me and Corrie go out to the bar and invite this guy out, and we all have fun. At the end of the night though, he's still like, "I don't understand you...I don't know if you like me or not..." blah, blah, blah. So I do my usual coy thing and don't give him a straight answer because I'm a girl like that, but later as I watched him walk away forlorn I felt kind of bad.

The next day (Saturday) we invite him over and we all have a blast playing video games, watching movies, etc. But before he leaves me and him take some time out and chill for awhile. Now, honestly, after hanging out with him and in spite of the drama, this guy is turning out to be pretty cool. So we talk for awhile, and of course get back on the subject of what I want and whether I like him and all that. So I really sit down with him and try to explain just what's going on in my life...which is a feat in itself. I briefly go over some of my last few relationships (I don't tell him everything because I learned the hard way not to dump my life story on someone all at once) and why I just feel emotionally destroyed after these last two years, and try to make him understand that I do find him attractive, but that things are just really difficult for me right now, and that I don't want to jump into anything serious anytime soon, blah blah. You know, I really try to drop all the joking and flirting and be honest (remember New Years? Yeah, you get where this is going) and openingly let him know that he's an ok dude.

Well, SOMEHOW that was again the wrong thing to do. He just kind of froze up at this point, and I couldn't get anything out of him, even though I had just made myself pretty damn vulnerable emotionally and given him (I thought) the praise he wanted. And then he gets up and leaves. WTF? He says as he's going that I should call him the next day, and I say I will even though I'm privately thinking "Why?!" Anyways. So I wake up the next morning to find that he's already been in touch with Corrie and we decide things are cool and he can come over.

I'll admit again at this point I'm just having a PMS day (even though that's not what it is...you get the idea). Well, this guy arrives and is total ICE to me. I answer the door and he doesn't smile much less look at me, and basically proceeds to give me the cold shoulder. So after a bit of that I just retreat to my room and let him and Corrie hang out, at which point of time I'm both upset and angry. A bunch of other shit ended up happening later on in the evening which I'm not even going to get into, but basically ended up with me leaving the condo for awhile to cool down and me running him out in tears apparently.

I just don't get it. Like I said, I just try to live my life as honestly and as caringly as I possibly can and I'm STILL fucking this up. What in the hell do you want from me dude? So after I calm down (because Corrie is the one of the best roommates ever) we agree that I definitely should not see this guy anymore. I can't even explain what happened really. I just don't understand where any of this came from, but definitely DON'T want to continue it. This is why I don't want a relationship in the first place, to avoid stuff like this. Gah.

I guess a lot of this stems from me being lonely. I haven't heard from my old man in a week now. I'm back in Salem tonight actually, and we're supposed to have lunch tomorrow, but I don't think that's happening now. It's just sad to see this fall away just like everything else.

I can't wait until I get something in my life that actually lasts.

Moving on. I woke up this morning thinking a lot about the talk me and Corrie had, in which she really reaffirmed my decision from the get-go to not get involved with anyone for awhile, and I really do need to stick to that. I need to get my heart out of here for one, and I need to not give it out in Ashburn either. I mean, just looking at the last few days with a guy I'm not even seeing to begin with, and I haven't spent enough time on RAM. Yeah, screw that. I need to get my business going. So here's some song lyrics that I posted in here about a year ago, and which I (unknowingly at the time) had predicted my fate.

"Haunting images of your face
And the sleepless nights I can't escape
And I lay there...and I wait here
As you plead your case to me
And you need me...and you breathe me
As you pledge your love for me
Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down
Was it out of curiosity?
You plunged my world into disparity
And I lay there...and I wait here
As you plead your case to me
And you need me...and you breathe me
As you pledge your love for me
Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down"
- Disown "Beautifully Sickening"

And so I moved on in a really positive way today. I had an interview with the PM at the Wolly Mammoth theatre (the one that had already added me to their overhire list) and got taken on as the light board op for the next show (and hopefully from now on). So I'm already making the same amount of money I was making at the college, but for around 10 hours a week. Rock on. So I start with dry tech next Monday, and run through the first or second week of March. The theatre is awesome; they just built a new facility right next to the Washington monument. So it's not a bad drive...just straight in on 66, and only about 30 minutes in good traffic.

So you know, still living life in the fast lane but maybe now finally getting used to it. Tomorrow I'll be doing a lot of mailings (just figured it was easier being at home) plus taking my car in for a tune up, and picking up the paint from my favorite paint store to take that home to do our condo. Also need to run by the bank and do some stuff, and take care of some other miscellaneous tasks. And after that...well...that's it I guess. I don't really have any reason to come back here, and I think I'm glad.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Beautifully Sickening" www.disown.cc

I remember taking classes with professors like Polanah and Abey and first accepting ideas such as good vs. evil and absolute truth are predominately Western ideals, and that most of the world exists in cultures that don't even acknowledge any of the sort. It made so much sense, because my world was becoming progressively less black and white, and much more grey.

I used to live my life by what I thought was "good" by American society's terms. I used to live my life by what was "religiously correct" by Protestant terms. But I keep running into situations that have so many variables that NOTHING is right, I can't do anything that will make anything or anyone better. No matter what I do, someone is going to lose.

So I started living my life by trying to act as caring as possible to those around me. Because if anyone's going to get hurt, it might as well be me. It's the best conclusion I can come to, but it comes with a terrible price.

Everything is so fucked up right now. I haven't heard from my old man since Tuesday. And last night was just another example of how me trying to be a good person and trying to be honest was really just the wrong thing somehow, and I got exactly what I deserve for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I have no one to blame but myself.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Judas" www.disown.cc

Another good day for the most part. Really been trying to get some bigger names interested in RAM, so I'm waiting to hear back from a bunch of bands. Keep good thoughts for me.

Looks like I might be doing some digital selling for a pretty cool jazz/punk/rock band that's looking for help. Not my style, but they have a good image and sound, and it's a genre that a lot of people listen to, so we'll see how it goes.

I may be taking a job with Corrie's company as well. They're looking for some help with promotion and marketing. As much as I didn't really want to go back to work, it'd probably be better at least for now to have a steady part time job, and it's not like it's outside of what I want to be doing anyway, right? Figure the experience itself will be good.

The credit issue seems to be resolving. I've been approved for a card now...just need to send them some verification of ID, so, here's a big sigh of relief.

Been doing some reviewing today. Did the DVDs today. Collide's is pretty good. They did a nice live show segment, plus some of their music videos are amazing. The video for Euphoria is unreal. Absolutely beautiful. Orgy's is ok...some of the behind the scenes footage is hilarious. There's one section where the guys are taking a day off and playing golf and trying to hit the balls at the train passing by. Then they do a total rip off of the Corona commercials with the "miles away from ordinary" line. TBM's is also ok, just too short...the production and visual value of the Blue video is very good, but I don't think it works with the song at all. They did another video for Nevermind that I liked much better - I think if they took the actually song and synched it with the video it would be MTV playable.

Went to the bar last night and had some fun. We met some soldiers there and had a good time talking with them. Tonight I believe we're going back out, and I think this time I'll be meeting that crazy dude from New Years. Should be an interesting weekend.

Oh yeah. Check out The 104.

Another good day. Got our paint swatches approved, then did some band work. May have some money rolling in soon with a new promo gig. Then me and Corrie met at the mall...used up my Hot Topic gift card on a new shirt and skirt, and afterwards we went to Victoria's Secret for a nice little sale they were having. ;-) Definately got some cute things.

Yesterday was also very productive. Went to the dmv and got my license changed - and, get this, actually had a good picture! Also took care of my voter registration and my vehicle registration, so rock on. Then went back to the post office and got my PO Box set up. So now I can receive music again!

Corrie is teaching me how to play video games. It is a lot of fun.

Mnn...I also woke up this morning to a cute e-card from a cute boy. :-) Didn't get to talk to him today (guess he must have been at the other campus today) but it was nice to know he was thinking about me. *sigh* Miss you old man.

So, tonight I would like to close with some song lyrics. Night!

You said "Never forget" and you know I never will
I'll keep your picture safe on my window sill
In my arms you'll always find safe haven
No matter the path our lives might be taking
It's a promise you never asked for but I give anyway
Everytime I wear this ring, and everytime is everyday
- Concrete, "Topaz"

You're a beautiful girl in a beautiful world
Don't forget me...don't regret me
You're a beautiful girl of a beautiful world
Take a look back to me on lift off
- Life In Exile, "Lift Off"

Song of the Day: Life In Exile - "Lift Off" www.myspace.com/lifeinexile1

So today was very productive. I got to the post office and at least got our mail reinstated (which was good timing because my contacts came today) but unfortunately didn't really think things through and realize that I need to change my forms of identification in order to get a new PO box. So...to the DMV tomorrow to change my liscense and my voter registration, and then back to the post office to get the box, and to send out my street team packages. Rock!

After doing that, I came back here and really just worked hard on getting things unpacked and things cleaned up. Our living room has now been reclaimed by people instead of boxes, so me and Corrie chilled out tonight and watched some Simpsons.

Chatted with my old man a bit, which was cool. Miss him so much!

In more somber news, it seems that a girl I went to high school with was killed in a car accident earlier this week. RIP Lauren.

Song of the Day: Plumb - "Better" www.plumbinfo.com

I think back to so many times when I've driven people around (usually drunk), to all the times I held people's heads up over the toilet, to all the times I let people crash at my place...to all the times I've helped out whenever you asked me too.

Was it really too much to ask to have everyone NOT bail out on me today?

Now, granted a lot of you I called last minute, and I understand. But to the people that told me last week they'd definitely be here and didn't show...fuck you. Seriously. Don't talk to me anymore, because I am so done with you. I deserve better than this.

On the flip side, thanks to Jeremiah, Corrie, and Mike for being super awesome and coming through for me. Jeremiah is the best big brother I could ever ask for...who else would drive all the way down here, then get up at 5am with me, then load my truck and drive it, then unload it, and still have time to rub my back? I love my big brother!

In any case, it's done now (aside from unpacking the overflowing multitude of boxes) and I'm here. Jeremiah is sticking around until Monday to help me finish getting stuff set up. Then, FINALLY, this week I'll be doing all those little things I need to do and be ready!

RAM continues to be awesome, and I thank God every night at least that aspect is going right. Had 30 people join today, AND I got an email from a fairly awesome indie electro label wanting to partner with me. So that is all great news indeed.

To catch up on older news, I had a very freaky dream about Johnnie the other night (who I literally haven't thought about in months), but it was so strange I went ahead and dropped him a line anyways. So I hope I hear from him. He's a good guy. I feel a bit closer to heaven just being near him.

Now, even though today was hell, yesterday was as close to bliss as I've been in a long time. I love my man so much! We got to meet up for a great lunch (fortunately my doc. apt. got done early) then hung out a bit afterwards. It was so wonderful to see him again. And...*giggles*...he's been working out lately and that is REALLY hot. But seriously though...probably the best time I've spent with him. I really hope that things work out well for him. He deserves it.

Kinda late notice but if anyone can help me load the truck today starting at 11am that'd be awesome. There will be pizza.

Well, at least not everything is bad. The boy from New Years called a little while ago, and we actually had a really great conversation about things. So everything is now cool, he understands my situation better, and we have agreed to be chill and hang out next week. So, at least one bad experience is now corrected.

I'm starting to calm down about the credit thing. I've done some research, so in a week or two I'll have to come back down here and basically just go to all my former employers, all my old banks, and back down to PMD in B-burg and get all of them to send in a report. So...hopefully...this will be fixed in a month or two at the most.

It's been a frustrating few weeks, but it hasn't really gotten me down. Because I HAVE moved out, I AM launching my business, and I know that all of this stuff can at least be worked on or gotten through.

Oh, in other news, I have 100 new members on my site now since the 31st, and I also seem to have my first band that I'll be investing in. Rock on.

Welcome to my life.

The move continues to be a disaster. First of all, I got home to find out my own bank rejected me for my credit card. I'm not going to even go into how wrong that is.

EDIT: So at my dad's suggestion I went ahead and did my free yearly credit report. Guess what? NONE of my banks have ever filled a report on me. I've had I guess 5 accounts over the course of my life, starting with savings accounts when I was little to my most recent bank accounts. Then, NONE of my jobs have ever filled an employment history on me either. So according to my credit report, I've never worked a day in my life. And on top of that, the apartment I rented at Tech two years ago didn't file a rental report on me either.

I have absolutely NO credit even though I've rented an apartment, paid checks for 5 years, used my debit cards for 5 years, and worked my ass off for the last two.

And there's little to nothing I can do about any of it.

Secondly, we may not have a truck for Saturday. We won't know until Friday. So, great. I think at this point if it falls through I'm just gonna have to suck it up and not have belongings. There really is no other options.

So, I'm pissed beyond belief. Why can't just one damn thing go right?

So the saga continues. Fortunately my car seems to be doing alright now (must've just been the cold weather) but Corrie woke up to a wet floor this morning. After a lengthy amount of time trying to get in touch with someone from the apartment complex, we finally get a plumber sent out this evening.

Come to find out a pipe to Corrie's room burst in the wall, so there's water in her room and in the kitchen as well. The plumber had pulled our range back to check and found more extensive water damage there. So, fun times! Fortunately it looks like he'll be able to fix it tonight or tomorrow, so at least we'll be able to take showers again soon, lol.

In other news, the RAM Music Awards have brought about 60 new members to the site in the last 48 hours. Rock on! So I'm glad at least my business is going alright so far!

Tomorrow is Tuesday, which means I get to call somebody cute. Then Wednesday afternoon I'm going back to Salem to finish packing all that night and Thursday. Friday I have a doctor's appointment...and a lunch date *smile*...and then that afternoon I head back here for the night. Jeremiah is coming down Friday evening so that he can ride home with me on Saturday. Saturday is THE day - we'll be in town around 10am so if anyone back there wants to help me load the truck it'd be much appreciated. Then whoever in town would like to help me unload here Saturday evening would be great, too. :-D

And then...I'm here. For good.

So the day for the most part has gotten better. Corrie knew I was upset so she woke me up with a warm doughnut and oj this morning, lol. I went ahead and opened up the RAM Music Awards today too, and so far it's going really well. I've already had more people sign up today to vote then I did all month last year. So...hopefully...traffic will stay increased.

The only bad news is that my car started acting up this morning. I'm hoping it just didn't like sitting in the cold for a few days. Because I just got the battery replace back in August. So...I guess we'll see tomorrow. If it's still not wanting to start I suppose I'll take it up to Merchants tomorrow. *sigh* This is the last thing I needed to happen right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to start painting the condo too. Good times!

...What?

So this night was pretty much horrible. Last night at the bar we ran into a few of Corrie's friends. One of them seemed to be pretty nice, though he was hitting on me quite a bit. He was pretty drunk at the time and asked me to be his kiss for New Years or whatever, so I was like sure, you know? So anyways, he had given me his number (because I took my cue from Corrie and didn't give out mine) but somehow he or me or someone had pushed "send" that night and he got mine. Well, ok, he called me this morning and didn't even know who I was. Everything about this situation said "PLAYER!" all over it to me. So I shrug it off, no big deal, and we head over to the bar tonight.

Sure enough he's there. We're talking and whatever, and he notices my rings. So I say "this is my high school ring, and this is the one my boyfriend gave me." Well he flips out. So I try to explain my situation, which is impossible in a few words. So he says some fairly horrible shit to me, and I get upset and leave for a second. To make a long story short, apparently in one night this total stranger got completely hung up on me, and it took Corrie about an hour and a half to calm him down.

Now, honestly, I feel pretty bad. Not only because it brought up some of my insecurities ("Well, he told me to live my own life now." "But he still wants to see me." etc., etc.), but because I don't know what's going to happen between me and my old man. I really love him...but there's no chance for anything more between us. It kills me, it really does. I just feel like I don't even know what's right anymore. Nothing is right. There's no choice here that's good. Everything is so fucked up.

Especially after being so summarily judged tonight. Christ. I just wanted to have a good new year's. I do feel bad about unintentionally leading this guy on apparently, but I really was just trying to be honest about the situation and it just happened to be about the worst time to do it.

It seems like in the last three days I've become a different person, and this is NOT who I thought I would be.