Oi. You ever have those days that are so emotionally overwhelming that you wake up the next day feeling hungover even though you hadn't drank the night before? Yeah.
Yesterday was rediculous. I started off the day in a kind of bad mood, simply because of the night before. No, let me start before that.
Ok, remember the boy from New Years? Well, me and him have been talking and "trying to work stuff out" (I swear I've never had this much drama with someone I don't even know) and things had been going pretty well. But I guess over the week I started getting stressed out, partially because of work, partially because of my old man, and I guess just the strain of being in a completely new life basically. So anyways, me and Corrie go out to the bar and invite this guy out, and we all have fun. At the end of the night though, he's still like, "I don't understand you...I don't know if you like me or not..." blah, blah, blah. So I do my usual coy thing and don't give him a straight answer because I'm a girl like that, but later as I watched him walk away forlorn I felt kind of bad.
The next day (Saturday) we invite him over and we all have a blast playing video games, watching movies, etc. But before he leaves me and him take some time out and chill for awhile. Now, honestly, after hanging out with him and in spite of the drama, this guy is turning out to be pretty cool. So we talk for awhile, and of course get back on the subject of what I want and whether I like him and all that. So I really sit down with him and try to explain just what's going on in my life...which is a feat in itself. I briefly go over some of my last few relationships (I don't tell him everything because I learned the hard way not to dump my life story on someone all at once) and why I just feel emotionally destroyed after these last two years, and try to make him understand that I do find him attractive, but that things are just really difficult for me right now, and that I don't want to jump into anything serious anytime soon, blah blah. You know, I really try to drop all the joking and flirting and be honest (remember New Years? Yeah, you get where this is going) and openingly let him know that he's an ok dude.
Well, SOMEHOW that was again the wrong thing to do. He just kind of froze up at this point, and I couldn't get anything out of him, even though I had just made myself pretty damn vulnerable emotionally and given him (I thought) the praise he wanted. And then he gets up and leaves. WTF? He says as he's going that I should call him the next day, and I say I will even though I'm privately thinking "Why?!" Anyways. So I wake up the next morning to find that he's already been in touch with Corrie and we decide things are cool and he can come over.
I'll admit again at this point I'm just having a PMS day (even though that's not what it is...you get the idea). Well, this guy arrives and is total ICE to me. I answer the door and he doesn't smile much less look at me, and basically proceeds to give me the cold shoulder. So after a bit of that I just retreat to my room and let him and Corrie hang out, at which point of time I'm both upset and angry. A bunch of other shit ended up happening later on in the evening which I'm not even going to get into, but basically ended up with me leaving the condo for awhile to cool down and me running him out in tears apparently.
I just don't get it. Like I said, I just try to live my life as honestly and as caringly as I possibly can and I'm STILL fucking this up. What in the hell do you want from me dude? So after I calm down (because Corrie is the one of the best roommates ever) we agree that I definitely should not see this guy anymore. I can't even explain what happened really. I just don't understand where any of this came from, but definitely DON'T want to continue it. This is why I don't want a relationship in the first place, to avoid stuff like this. Gah.
I guess a lot of this stems from me being lonely. I haven't heard from my old man in a week now. I'm back in Salem tonight actually, and we're supposed to have lunch tomorrow, but I don't think that's happening now. It's just sad to see this fall away just like everything else.
I can't wait until I get something in my life that actually lasts.
Moving on. I woke up this morning thinking a lot about the talk me and Corrie had, in which she really reaffirmed my decision from the get-go to not get involved with anyone for awhile, and I really do need to stick to that. I need to get my heart out of here for one, and I need to not give it out in Ashburn either. I mean, just looking at the last few days with a guy I'm not even seeing to begin with, and I haven't spent enough time on RAM. Yeah, screw that. I need to get my business going. So here's some song lyrics that I posted in here about a year ago, and which I (unknowingly at the time) had predicted my fate.
"Haunting images of your face
And the sleepless nights I can't escape
And I lay there...and I wait here
As you plead your case to me
And you need me...and you breathe me
As you pledge your love for me
Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down
Was it out of curiosity?
You plunged my world into disparity
And I lay there...and I wait here
As you plead your case to me
And you need me...and you breathe me
As you pledge your love for me
Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down"
- Disown "Beautifully Sickening"
And so I moved on in a really positive way today. I had an interview with the PM at the Wolly Mammoth theatre (the one that had already added me to their overhire list) and got taken on as the light board op for the next show (and hopefully from now on). So I'm already making the same amount of money I was making at the college, but for around 10 hours a week. Rock on. So I start with dry tech next Monday, and run through the first or second week of March. The theatre is awesome; they just built a new facility right next to the Washington monument. So it's not a bad drive...just straight in on 66, and only about 30 minutes in good traffic.
So you know, still living life in the fast lane but maybe now finally getting used to it. Tomorrow I'll be doing a lot of mailings (just figured it was easier being at home) plus taking my car in for a tune up, and picking up the paint from my favorite paint store to take that home to do our condo. Also need to run by the bank and do some stuff, and take care of some other miscellaneous tasks. And after that...well...that's it I guess. I don't really have any reason to come back here, and I think I'm glad.
Yesterday was rediculous. I started off the day in a kind of bad mood, simply because of the night before. No, let me start before that.
Ok, remember the boy from New Years? Well, me and him have been talking and "trying to work stuff out" (I swear I've never had this much drama with someone I don't even know) and things had been going pretty well. But I guess over the week I started getting stressed out, partially because of work, partially because of my old man, and I guess just the strain of being in a completely new life basically. So anyways, me and Corrie go out to the bar and invite this guy out, and we all have fun. At the end of the night though, he's still like, "I don't understand you...I don't know if you like me or not..." blah, blah, blah. So I do my usual coy thing and don't give him a straight answer because I'm a girl like that, but later as I watched him walk away forlorn I felt kind of bad.
The next day (Saturday) we invite him over and we all have a blast playing video games, watching movies, etc. But before he leaves me and him take some time out and chill for awhile. Now, honestly, after hanging out with him and in spite of the drama, this guy is turning out to be pretty cool. So we talk for awhile, and of course get back on the subject of what I want and whether I like him and all that. So I really sit down with him and try to explain just what's going on in my life...which is a feat in itself. I briefly go over some of my last few relationships (I don't tell him everything because I learned the hard way not to dump my life story on someone all at once) and why I just feel emotionally destroyed after these last two years, and try to make him understand that I do find him attractive, but that things are just really difficult for me right now, and that I don't want to jump into anything serious anytime soon, blah blah. You know, I really try to drop all the joking and flirting and be honest (remember New Years? Yeah, you get where this is going) and openingly let him know that he's an ok dude.
Well, SOMEHOW that was again the wrong thing to do. He just kind of froze up at this point, and I couldn't get anything out of him, even though I had just made myself pretty damn vulnerable emotionally and given him (I thought) the praise he wanted. And then he gets up and leaves. WTF? He says as he's going that I should call him the next day, and I say I will even though I'm privately thinking "Why?!" Anyways. So I wake up the next morning to find that he's already been in touch with Corrie and we decide things are cool and he can come over.
I'll admit again at this point I'm just having a PMS day (even though that's not what it is...you get the idea). Well, this guy arrives and is total ICE to me. I answer the door and he doesn't smile much less look at me, and basically proceeds to give me the cold shoulder. So after a bit of that I just retreat to my room and let him and Corrie hang out, at which point of time I'm both upset and angry. A bunch of other shit ended up happening later on in the evening which I'm not even going to get into, but basically ended up with me leaving the condo for awhile to cool down and me running him out in tears apparently.
I just don't get it. Like I said, I just try to live my life as honestly and as caringly as I possibly can and I'm STILL fucking this up. What in the hell do you want from me dude? So after I calm down (because Corrie is the one of the best roommates ever) we agree that I definitely should not see this guy anymore. I can't even explain what happened really. I just don't understand where any of this came from, but definitely DON'T want to continue it. This is why I don't want a relationship in the first place, to avoid stuff like this. Gah.
I guess a lot of this stems from me being lonely. I haven't heard from my old man in a week now. I'm back in Salem tonight actually, and we're supposed to have lunch tomorrow, but I don't think that's happening now. It's just sad to see this fall away just like everything else.
I can't wait until I get something in my life that actually lasts.
Moving on. I woke up this morning thinking a lot about the talk me and Corrie had, in which she really reaffirmed my decision from the get-go to not get involved with anyone for awhile, and I really do need to stick to that. I need to get my heart out of here for one, and I need to not give it out in Ashburn either. I mean, just looking at the last few days with a guy I'm not even seeing to begin with, and I haven't spent enough time on RAM. Yeah, screw that. I need to get my business going. So here's some song lyrics that I posted in here about a year ago, and which I (unknowingly at the time) had predicted my fate.
"Haunting images of your face
And the sleepless nights I can't escape
And I lay there...and I wait here
As you plead your case to me
And you need me...and you breathe me
As you pledge your love for me
Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down
Was it out of curiosity?
You plunged my world into disparity
And I lay there...and I wait here
As you plead your case to me
And you need me...and you breathe me
As you pledge your love for me
Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down"
- Disown "Beautifully Sickening"
And so I moved on in a really positive way today. I had an interview with the PM at the Wolly Mammoth theatre (the one that had already added me to their overhire list) and got taken on as the light board op for the next show (and hopefully from now on). So I'm already making the same amount of money I was making at the college, but for around 10 hours a week. Rock on. So I start with dry tech next Monday, and run through the first or second week of March. The theatre is awesome; they just built a new facility right next to the Washington monument. So it's not a bad drive...just straight in on 66, and only about 30 minutes in good traffic.
So you know, still living life in the fast lane but maybe now finally getting used to it. Tomorrow I'll be doing a lot of mailings (just figured it was easier being at home) plus taking my car in for a tune up, and picking up the paint from my favorite paint store to take that home to do our condo. Also need to run by the bank and do some stuff, and take care of some other miscellaneous tasks. And after that...well...that's it I guess. I don't really have any reason to come back here, and I think I'm glad.
 | Song of the Day: Disown - "Beautifully Sickening" www.disown.cc |
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