So now that I'm afraid to go get my car...

"To the Virginia Tech Community:

This morning at 11 a.m., a sexual assault was reported by a Virginia
Tech student in the I-Lot, also known as The Cage. The assailant,
who is still at-large, was described as 6' in height and is a white
male wearing a navy blue-hooded sweatshirt. Anyone having information
regarding this incident, please call the Virginia Tech Police
Department at 231-6411."

A preacher shuns his brother
Cause his bride's a different color
And this is not acceptable
His papa taught him so
It was love that he'd been preaching
But this was overreaching
The boundaries stretchin' further
Than his heart would choose to go
Like an angel with no wings
Like a kingdom with no king
What have we become?
A self indulgent people
What have we become?
Tell me where are the righteous ones?
What have we become?
In a world degenerating
What have we become?
(Speak your mind, look out for yourself
The answer to it all is a life of wealth
Grab all you can cause you live just once
You got the right to do whatever you want
Don't worry about others or where you came from
It ain't what you were, it's what you have become)
Mom and Dad are fightin'
As Rosie lies there crying
For once again she's overheard
Regrets of their mistake
With Christmas bells a-ringing
Little Rosie'd leave them grieving
The gift she'd give her family
Would be the pills she'd take
An inconvenient child
She wasn't worth their while
What about love?
What about God?
What about holiness?
What about mercy, compassion and selflessness?
You know it's true
He is there for me and you
Doesn't matter what you do
What have we become?
Have we come undone?
What have we become?
Have we come undone?
What have we become?
Selfish world
This selfish world
Selfish people
When you gonna learn?
Everyone of us
Gotta learn to trust
What have we become?
(And the world
It can't do me no harm
Do me no harm
Times I've been wounded
I got battle scars to show
I'm going through the storm, and blinding rain
I'm going on in Jesus' name
Lord, I got victory
Over the enemy, glory, glory
And the world, it can't do me no harm
Do me no harm...)

Maybe Dana was right the whole time.

Today, I took of my cross, and I will not wear it for a long time to come. I believe in God, I believe Jesus died for me, but under these circumstances, I am not His child. I am angry, I am hateful, I am vengeful, and I will let this flow until it's gone. I will not turn the other cheek this time. After today, I have good reason to hate you both, and I will. I like myself better than I like you, and I refuse to be the one paying the price this time. I will not put this necklace back on until this is over, and I feel like I can be a good and respectful person again.
Are you happy? Do you like what I've become? Does it make you feel good to know that your lies, your selfish desires, and your lack of honor have driven me here? I still stand firm that I am justified, and I will see you in the same misery soon enough. Only you won't be able to blame me, the way that I can blame you. My freedom today comes in the fact that I have reason to hate you both. What you did was purposeful, and I will never ever believe you when you say you still care. As if you ever did. You hurt me. You hurt me on purpose. I will not turn the other cheek. I cannot turn the other cheek this time. You will not walk over me again. You will not take me for granted again. You will not hide behind a friendship that serves only to protect you. YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER. I want to see you in pain. I want to hate you as much as you hate me.

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned
By your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming.

I wish people would stop hacking the Al Jazeera site. Here we are, claiming to be invading Iraq to free the people, and we're preventing Al Jazeera from reporting what they see. And you wonder why they all hate us...

The title of this blog says it all. At least I'm not bored.
So yeah, had some good stuff happen with D1 this week...I FINALLY got a band interested in the FFA, so I sent in their entry today. The band is Deficit, and they kick ass. Definately look them up on localband.com. I just finished the prototype for the "your computer sucks' version of the Fluffy Starr website. Hopefully that will go live soon. :-)
Other than that...things are about the same. Gonna go study for a test...yay...

I wish I knew why someone keeps trying to get into my room.
Anyways, I hung out at Katherine's last night...it was a lot of fun...good friends. I have very good friends. Despite how I've been fucked over by so many, there are still many more people here that love me. And I am very grateful.
Matt came over later last night...it was cool hanging out with him again. It's nice being able to meet up with a lot of my old friends. I've been talking to Carl online a lot recently, and I hope that I'll get to see him soon. Very soon, because I could really use a professional backrub!
So I'm gonna go take a shower and get the room ready for tonight. Movie night: Pride and Prejudice. Because Colin Firth is hot. ;-)
And Dana, I just read your blog. *sigh* I know I can't talk, but I wish you could see just how much you really are worth. Everything close to me has fallen away...except for you.

So, last night, me and Nad are planning on playing a trick on skunk. Background info: skunk is a nice guy, but he loves to try to get the girls on the chat to send him porn. So finally, I say I will, and thus the plan commences: Nad takes 3 pics of me, as if I'm trying to do a strip tease...then, the 4th pic is of Nad in the buff with just his guitar in front of him. So anyways, I go over to Nad's room while his roomie is out, but unfortunately he comes back while I'm on my way over. So Nad tells him what we're doing, and comes to let me in. When we're going back in, the whole floor is laughing, because roomie had of course filled them all in. But it's all good, so we go in the room, and do our thing. Nad goes over to the bed when we're done, saying he's gonna shot his roomie with the pellet gun, when he looks behind the bed and "WAZZUP!!!" Yeah, one of Chris's friends was hiding under the bed watching. The crucial part was, while Nad had his back to the bed and handed me the camera he said, "Don't laugh because it's small." The camera...the camera is small...is what he meant...
And so my week is off to a better way, LOL!
(In case you were wondering, we shot the photos to skunk last night, and it was hilarious..."no, no dana porn...no...no...no...")

Why is it necessary to weed-whack outside our dorm at 8am?

Dana's blog: And now I step down from my soap box and go back to trying to prove to people I don't have crabs without yanking my pants down and whipping it out.

"muscle"...nod, nod...wink, wink...

note from dana: that was in reference to muscle size... which doesn't sound good either...

Dana (to skunk) - I'm tiny as shit.

So, to my great relief, my computer is not posessed...and I thought I'd share this lovely realization with you all. Recently, my computer started typing random words on it's own...like wierd stuff...things about China and baseball. I was really worried I had a virus, but finally, after searching, I found the answer: because I have not configured my voice recognition, my computer was taking things such as the door slamming for "soloist". So my mic is unplugged and my voice recognition is deactivated, and I am again at peace with the world...wait...

"I am very happy to report that we have had a 50% increase in the number of students making application to our program for next year."
So does that mean that we get a whole 6 new undergrads?
- Jeremiah, quoting the potential undergrad report.

- - = = | cutting all connections | = = - -

Why is that logic tells me everything should be right if I were to be with you, but my heart says no? I respect, care, and love spending time with you...and I really wish I felt the same way. But I don't, and I'm so sorry, and I never want to hurt you. You have proven to be my closest true friend through recent events, and I will always be grateful.

The other night I had a good conversation with God. For the first time in awhile, things are starting to become more clear.

But yes, spent much of the day painting in Studio...hehe, I got to relive my childhood in that one of the painting techniques required me to slap paint on with my hands...finger painting!!!

Dana - I told you about the conversation I had with my thumbs, right?

Nad0725: you must wait impatient grasshopper
Zeta Vande: yum...
Nad0725: don't say yum... grasshoppers
* Zeta Vande wants a grasshopper
Zeta Vande: LMAO
* Nad0725 hits head on keyboard
Zeta Vande: hey, I'm a big fan of mint, ok?
Nad0725: please let there be a mixed drink...
Zeta Vande: LMAO

Nad0725: i think that's goin on my blog...
Zeta Vande: well, that just went on mine
Nad0725: haha

Nad0725: if Qname=Blowme+FuckCS then SadamHussein=BlowhardPqueue[fuckitall].dammit

You know what? Bring it. Just bring it...I am completely comfortable in my decisions, so if you have some issue with me, just come on. I don't believe in this he said she said bullshit...if you have a problem with me, I'm all about it, so just bring it on. I have no regrets, and no fears. If you don't have the strength to be open to me, then shut the fuck up.

Tonight, something was said that may or may not have been directed at me. Let me get one thing clear. My opinions on current circumstances are based on fact, and if you have differing opinions, state them openly as I have done. I make no apologies.

Ok, I think I need to make some agressive choice to rebuild my self-esteem. So here we go. The following is a list of everything I like about myself, and if you read this and want to add anything, let me know! Hehe, but seriously, the reason I'm posting this is because I figured I could hold myself more accountable by being public about it.
I am smart
I am ambitious
I am pretty
I am caring
I think
I believe in God
I am not afraid to love, even if I am afraid to trust
I help my friends out
I can wake up at 3am if you need me
I can laugh
I am not afraid to say I am wrong
I am not afraid to apologize
I will never let my own health suffer too much
I am artistic
I am honest
I am creative
I can handle pain
I can keep cool and quiet
I can defend myself
I am not afraid to cry
I think hugs are a crucial part of life
I will pray for you whenever you need it
I can look at my life and see God's hand in it
I am not afraid to admit my weakness and lack of control in my life
I am confident that God is control of my life, and that He handles it better than I could anyway
I am not afraid to die
I do not walk over anyone's feelings
I do not use people
I do not intentially betray your trust in me
I am appreciative of my friends
I think sex is sacred, and I'm waiting
I enjoy meals
I enjoy sleep
I enjoy laying in the sun
I enjoy music
I think hate takes up too much energy
I think respect and honor are two of the most important aspects of life
I am open to other opinions, even if I do not agree with them
I believe in freedom
I believe in peace

I will love myself...

[vapor] Hey nad if pro is the oppostie of con is progress the opposite of congress?

Nad0725: (note this is the worst joke ever)
In the CS department... we work til it MegaHz!!

[Nad] i swear my heart is bigger than my :-X

* Nad_Trashed moves up on veal
[Nad_Trashed] val
[Valdyr] veal?
[Valdyr] LMAO
[S] val i think nad just called u a piece of meat

You know, when I went to talk to Ema earlier this week, and I expressed the thought that I didn't want to hurt the cast by being involved conceptually in the show, she said she'd like to see me come in and say 'fuck you'. For the show, that's not really my stance, but in a larger sense to life in general, fuck you. Everyone. Here I am beating myself up for your sake...as if it was my fault. In the face of all of this...every situation I'm dealing with right now...being nice, friendly, considerate, respectful is NOT my responsibility to you, but rather my gift. Because I am special, I am worth something, and I personally am better than these ordeals, and I choose to make it easier. I do not owe any of you anything. So stop taking my love and spiritual values for granted...they come from a Greater Power that I choose to follow on these events...not because of any redeeming quality that you possess.

At this point, I think my body is just going to explode with stress. *sigh* I guess it's just gonna take a long time for me to get used to the ideas that I'm too sick to work, I failed in my career, my former best friend thinks a whore is better than a real relationship, and that no matter what kind of proof you have people will still believe only what they want to see. Vacuum.
In any case, I hate the fact that I have astro lab tonight...I really wanna watch Bush's press conference tonight. Why can't we just leave the world alone? Me and Jeremiah might be in the CT tomorrow...we went to the candle vigil and ended up getting interviewed. Should be interesting to see what I 'said'. ;-)
Someone remind me to go get my car at around 4:30 so that I can move it to the commuter lot for class.

"sitting with the dog...(I follow a backwards god...)"
- Jimmie's Chicken Shack

Homework is an insult to my intelligence.

"Send me an angel to love...I need to feel a little piece of heaven"
- Garbage

Fluffy Starr is sending me a present! Wheee!

So I'm getting ready to fail Astro lab...the first 2 observations are due today, and guess what? It's still cloudy outside. Damn. Aside from that, I had a good meeting about the painting, so everything should be fun this month with the show. Fun times. Also, Derek just called and informed me that there is a candle vigil tonight on Henderson lawn to protest the war, so if anyone wants to head over there around 7pm, feel free. And let me know if you have an extra candle. ;-)

What a crazy weekend. I wish I could just stop feeling. *sigh* In any case, the 'party' was fun, but small. The eggrolls were fabulous, and I'm gonna make Dana make me more this week, lol. ;-) It was nice to see Joe again too..I wish we all went to the same school...that would make things so much easier. I'm gonna go get some food here in a bit, and then I'm heading over to Studio to work with Lisa on the paint treatments for 'Human Rites'.
I also have advising this week. I'm not really sure what to do...I can feasibly still graduate next year, but it's 17/18 per semester to get it done. Kinda scary. I think today I'm gonna look into maybe double majoring in interior design and see if that would be a good way to extend my time here to 4 years instead of 3.

The one who lectured me about how a relationship couldn't work without trust somehow remembered to take the receipt out of the bag this time. I do forgive you, but it seems as time goes on that nothing is going to remain. And I hurt.

So relieved! Forgiveness is so much easier. In any case, in the last hour I just paid my down payment for my apartment next year, and I just accepted my job offer from Utah Festival Opera. Thank you God for getting my life back in order.

Take a car. Start it. Now accelerate as fast as you can towards a brick wall (don't wear a seat belt). Was that fun? Na...and neither is living your life without Jesus.
- Johnnie's away message.
Aww...he's so cute. I wanna marry him.

Dana: We could bake cookies.
Laura: Or we could just eat the cookie dough.
Dana: Or we could get baked, and eat cookie dough.

Heather: He sounds like he's swallowing a cat.

*sigh* Drama at D1. If either of you guys read this, I just want to say again I'm very confused and very sorry...I love and respect you both, and I wanna work through this.

Is it summer yet? And why is it 29 outside now, when it was in the 70's yesterday? Good news is, I still have my tan! Anyways, I have my phone interview with UFO tomorrow...I hope all goes well.

Nad's roomie: (from down the hall) HONEY, I'M HOME!!!!!!!!
Nad: SHIT!

How white am I? I was effectively able to lay out on the back porch this afternoon and get a tan before I drove back to Tech. Let's hope it's not gone by tomorrow.
Ok, I bought two new CD's that everyone must buy: Korn 'Untouchables' and Alanis Morissette 'Feast on Scraps'. Also, Danica, you're gonna be jealous, lol...I bought the Pride and Prejudice DVD set. :-) But you can come watch it with me whenever...Colin Firth is so hot!
I think that's about it...I need to get back to finishing up my sections of Fluffy Starr's site this evening.
And you didn't hear this from me...but I...I think I like driving now. Must have been the hours spent in the car with my parents this week that did it. Sooooo nice to be on my own.

So...many...stores...yeah, Tyson's is huge. Didn't buy much...I think I've been tainted by so much thrift store shopping.
Not much else going on...getting ready to head back to VT tomorrow. I don't wanna go. I'm so tired of all this shit. Dana, I'm really glad you're here. And all of my friends that are still left - I know I don't say it much, but I really do appreciate the offers of loaning me your showers and such...fortunately I don't have to rely on your charity much longer. But for the time I am here, I do appreciate it. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, and I'll be fine.

[DerekHavok] ill never be a man again, i have been turned into a small small little girl
[paigesangel] you were never a man to begin with hun....

It was sooooo nice outside today. I washed my car and such...it was fun. TRIED to get a tan, LMAO, but I didn't get that lucky.
Fortunately, Tracy's fish was still alive when I went down there today, so all is well in Blacksburg. :-)
I think that's about it...getting ready to go to the ice cream store...yum.

Well, my trip to Lynchburg was uneventful today...however at least my taxes are now in order, and I got to eat at my favorite restuarant. We also drove around town, just to see what things were like now...it's so wierd to drive by places like my old Girl Scout meeting place, EC Glass, Holy Cross, my old house, the woods I used to play in, Mike's house, Lindsey's house, my dad's old office...it's just so wierd to be back there.
Today I got 'promoted' in D1 to a web admin...fancy term for posting news articles, lol. But it's cool that they trust me with that. As for Fluffy Starr's site, we got here message board up and running...you can go to http://fluffystarr.suddenlaunch2.com/index.cgi and sign up!
I think that's about it...I get to go to B-burg tomorrow to feed the fish and check the mail...yay. And pack. SETC here I come.

Wheeeeeeeeeeee...so I successfully uploaded my first webpage with FTP, lol. I feel like a professional. But seriously, I found this cool (free) program called AceHTML 5, which is like a cheap (free) version of Dreamweaver. So at least I can FTP pages already created now, even though I still prefer coding. And considering I still have to alter some of the code to make it work, it's a good thing. But yeah, I still like it a lot, it's easy to use, so you guys should check it out if you need a different way to make webpages. So yeah, watch out world, here comes FluffyStarr.com!
In other news, I think my hand is now infected...I am soooo talented. *sigh*
Other than that, not much is going on. Oh haha, I lied...ok, so I run sound at church right? And we all know that Salem is a white Protestant Republican football-lovin' town stuck in the '50's. Well, anyways, since the guy I usually run sound with wasn't there today, they forgot to send a deacon up stairs to pass out the Lord's supper. So, like I was instructed, I got up and passed out the bread. As soon as I sat down, one of the men got up and said, "I'll take care of the rest!" Hell, even the Catholic church has female servers. And they believe that what they're passing out is the real thing...so what's up with giving out crackers and grape juice? Stereotypical Christians...gotta love 'em. And as a side note: See? I'm a church-serving believer and I still get it. So please don't judge God on what the world seems to be representing.

Yeah, uh...maybe I should have gotten stitches...