They day has continued to improve. DOM brought lunch by the theatre and sat with me while we took a break. (Yum...Arby's Jamocha shakes). So that was great to just sit and talk for awhile. We hadn't done that in really a week now.

Been brainstorming most of the day while working on the set, in regards to a lot of the things Lou told me. So many opportunities. It was nice to hear him repeat and suggest a lot of the same ideas I had already. Makes me feel like I have a good handle on all of this. Also got a few good emails from several bands over the last few days, so I think things are starting to pick up.

I had noticed something else going on in the artist support side of things that basically is leaving opportunity WIDE open for me and some others. If you guys are really paying attention you've noticed, too. Rock on, and I mean that for everyone, too.

Ok, well, on to my second work shift of the day...maybe I'll get to ride in Johnny's kick ass car again? Lol.

Just had the best phone conversation with Lou. Wow, I feel better! He was really super supportive about everything I'm doing and gave me a lot of advice and ideas, and told me he could help me out where he could. So that rocks. I feel like I'm that much closer to getting this going.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Social Enemies" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Taking a break here while they work on some dialect downstairs. I tell ya, there's nothing worse than bad Southern actors failing in their attempts to do an Irish accent.

I tried to sleep in today, being this was one of my first quasi-evening shifts, but with the neighbor's kids outside playing before the bus came by at 7, the neighbor herself insisting on having loud phone conversations outside at 9, and my mom waking me up wondering why I wasn't at work at 11, things just didn't go too well. So I got up finally, went over to the hotel to get my hand rescanned which was a total bust since no one seems to know what the hell is going on over there. So I ended up killing some time by talking to John and Dave for awhile. Dave asked me how I was doing and we talked for awhile about things.

And I'm thinking, damn. You know, I am pretty depressed about just about everything now.

NOTHING is working out. There are major problems at home to the point that I'm going to have to move out for these last three months, and of course this comes right in the middle of my busiest time with two jobs, two shows, and trying to get the hell on with my life. I keep telling myself I need the money, I need the money, but I find it ironic that my bank account is still sinking lower and lower.

My social life is a disaster, of course. Real love is fast becoming an illusion. And I've never felt more isolated in my life. Most of my friends are gone, and far too busy to be bothered with my trite problems. I have never had this much trouble just trying to find a friend to go to the bar with for a few hours to talk. I'm willing to pay, I'm willing to drive...just goddammit will SOMEONE CARE ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE NIGHT?

Lunch had to be cancelled because of some last minute family issues. I hate this. I hate that things can't be normal.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Mary Lies Bleeding" www.disown.cc

So last night was very busy, but not overly bad. Took me awhile to get stuff done, but it's nice to know I can still do that kind of work. I even got a 12x12 down (Jeremy did the other one, lol). So I'm still a little out of shape, but I'm doing ok. Plus, even though I like this new job a lot better, it's nice working at the hotel and getting that immediate sense of accomplishment, which I definately don't get at the college.

Talked to Jeremy for awhile and it sounds like he had a fun night the night before. Apparently had some psycho in the hotel that night who just lost it. They had to have the police escort her out, and as she was leaving she threatened to kill him. So, wow. I had that in the back of my mind every time I got a call over the radio for my department.

I also got to ride in THE most pimped-out bitchin' car ever last night. Apparently the security guys make pretty good bank over there.

Anyways, gonna take it easy tonight (that is, if my dad doesn't go on the attack again) and try to get some stuff caught up for RAM. Tomorrow I go in late, so I'm meeting DOM for lunch. So that makes me happy. :-) *munches on the remainder of the chocolate*

Song of the Day: Jacob Bock - "If" www.firewalkingmusic.com

I don't know what's up with my family these days. They were so against me leaving in September, but now it's like they're trying to run me out sooner than January. My dad was just after me all night last night. I came home and started to get some dinner, and he told me I ate too much and took my plate away! Can you believe that?! This is insane. Then he got all pissy about the cookies I had tried to make last week for one of the IT guys here who fixed my comp, and just went on and on about what a disaster it was, etc. So I got up to leave and he snapped at me for leaving a bottle top on the table. I was *this* close to doing something drastic. So I figured at that point the night was young, and I needed to get the hell out, so I took a random road trip to Blacksburg. Jacob was playing a last minute acoustic set, so I rolled up there, and that was awesome. Took some pics for him, enjoyed good music, and got a bit of cuteness in. Sometimes a good hug is all you need to feel a little better.

Today has been good. Finally back in the theatre again to start build, which is good in itself, but kinda of annoying because that means I don't really get to see DOM that much. Haha, but he called and took my request for lunch, which was awesome, AND followed through with the chocolate, so props to him. He also remembered something I had told him a few weeks ago that I liked, so that just made it even more cool. *sigh* He's a good guy...

So I'm taking a bit of a breather here before I head over to the hotel for the night. The rest of the week should be a bit easier, before things really start to get interesting next week with the two shows.

Song of the Day: Marilyn Manson - "Tainted Love" www.marilynmanson.com

This day has continued in the disappointment catagory. DOM left for lunch with the promise to be back with chocolate in 45 minutes. An hour and a half later I gave up and came back upstairs to see he had bailed out sick for the day. So not only did I not get to spend any time with him after not seeing him all weekend, but I also got cheated out of my chocolate. At least he had the decency to call me later on, lol. And he's gonna have to make up for it tomorrow. :-)

Got an email from big brother in regards to a lot of the stuff going on. I have so many thoughts about everything - I flux between perfect contentment and total dispair...all I can do, really, is just keep focused on moving and taking these days as they come. I had forgotten how tiring working 50-60 hours a week is. Maybe I'm purposefully keeping myself discontent to ensure my move.

I'm thinking the last week in October I'm going up to NoVA to apartment hunt. Might go ahead and move in November or December just to get it over with and get the hell on with my life. With the risk of this turning into a teen angst emo post, I'm gonna go back to work.

I'm wearing a neon yellow feather boa at work today.

Not much else going on. I had a pretty disappointing weekend personally...lots of let downs and backs turned on me. Just another reason to get the hell out of here.

Song of the Day: Collide - "Razor Sharp" www.collide.net

Dreamed about twin tornadoes last night. *sigh*

Been a fairly easy day today again, aside from a few small things here and there. (I'm not gonna write more because I'd rather let Chris sit at home and worry about them instead, ha!) Glad I'm almost done though...I wanna go home and go back to bed. Or go out with DOM. Whichever catches me first.

Oh, Heather, I talked to the banquet captain for you, and told him how great you were. ;-) Good luck on Tuesday!

Song of the Day: Lunarclick - "Ice" www.lunarclick.com

This week's drunken moment brought to you by several beers and glasses of wine:

[21:23] Zeta Vande: *tries to headbutt but falls on the floor*
[21:23] IamIndieJake: *sigh*
[21:23] Zeta Vande: damn
[21:23] IamIndieJake: laaaurraa
[21:24] Zeta Vande: cuuute?
[21:24] IamIndieJake: go drink some waters.
[21:24] Zeta Vande: *drinks some wines instead*
[21:24] IamIndieJake: well it's your hangover. :-P

Too many reasons behind me
To walk alone
Too many circles, the knife cut
It hurt me more
Will we, be lost forever
Words carry on
We drift away
Will you believe in us
Enough to stand by me
Will we surpass the fire
Yes I know, we will
A little bit further than before
She wanted to look the other way
Disguising her voice the anguish left
Enraptured to her voice
Angelic, they won¹t seem to mind
You know what¹s left, inside her mind
Will you believe in us
Enough to stand by me
Will we surpass the fire
Yes I know, I know we will
But it¹s too late to follow me
It¹s too late to let go
It¹s too late to follow me
But you want to let me go
But it¹s too late for us to be
It¹s too late for us to stay
It¹s too late for us to fall onto the moment
Will you believe in us
Enough to stand by me
Will we surpass the fire
Yes I know, I know we will
- Lunarclick "Drift"

I see the seperation before me
Is it true that you're alone
We're just different people
From different places
Trying to find someone
For me and you...
I saw it happen
Knew who you are
Knowing is not the same
It's what you do to me
What's on your mind
You've brought me into this game
Keep asking why that you won't change
What's on your mind
You got me into this game
Keep asking why that you won't change
If nothing ever crawls inside me
Goes right through to the end
We're just different people
From different places
Trying to find someone
For me and you...
I saw it happen
Knew who you are
Knowing is not the same
It's what you do to me
What's on your mind
You've brought me into this game
Keep asking why that you won't change
What's on your mind
You got me into this game
Keep asking why that you won't change
- The Anix "This Game"

I had another really wierd dream about death last night. This time it was about someone I "knew", but really it was this fictitious person that was sort of a combination from two random girls from my childhood. Both girls (in real life) were very odd in a way, mainly because each had an overbearing mother who thought their little girls were perfect. Anyways, this "Carrie/Robin" combo character grew up and went to the Airforce Academy where she was killed in a tragic accident during flight training. My mom (in this dream) was showing me the article in the newspaper, where her mother kept going on and on about how though the daughter's will had specified that her earthly possessions be given away, she (the mother) was so upset about all the money that would be lost. Literally pages and pages about her going on listing all of the possessions that were valuable - antiques, the house, the car, etc. Well, fast forward to the funeral, where I was participating as one of "Carrie/Robin's" closest friends (again, these are people I never knew very well in real life) and as the service started and the priest got up to begin, everyone in the audience started talking and laughing. And I got so angry...I started screaming for people to be quiet, but I couldn't get enough power to shout very loudly because I was so upset. My mom tried to get me to stop, but I broke free and started going up and down the rows of people and punching everyone that was talking, and screaming at them to shut up and pay attention.

Wow, my dreams are depressing and violent lately. Is this really me?

I have a feeling of impending doom again, and I think these dreams might be signs. I've been a bit nervous lately regarding DOM. Every once in awhile he mentions how violent it gets at home, and that scares me. I don't like the picture I get in my head of his wife hitting him, while two little kids cry and watch. His kids mean the world to him. I can see his face light up with love when he talks about them, and how he adores being a father. I know he's only staying in this situation because of them. But I wonder if they'd be better off growing up in a broken home that was at least peaceful, instead of living with parents that are always fighting. But that's not my decision to make.

Life just shouldn't be this way. I'd give anything to find some resolution to all of this, even if it means I'm the one that loses. I guess that's the newly discovered maternal side of me coming out again.

I was thinking last night on the drive home from work about some of my life experiences, and recalled again a time I went to the BSU a few years ago and one of the guys got up and talked about love and destiny. He said it wasn't true that "everyone had someone" waiting for them. Some people have a 'greater' calling, if you want to look at it that way. Some people's love was meant for more than one person. I look back through the relationships I've stumbled through, especially lately, I wonder if my calling is to just bring comfort to those who are in situations that most other people would avoid. To love without regard to physical appearance, age, situation in life, or outside circumstances. I'd like to think in some way, though I may never have been loved truly well, that at least I've given some happiness, some hope, and some peace for a few months. And maybe knowing that is enough. Though I think, secretly, I'm always going to wish for some constancy.

Anyways. Wow, this is going to be a long blog entry. Working at the hotel today and tomorrow - long shifts, but not particularly difficult. I'm working a totaly of 20 hours this week, which rocks...more money for me!

Got a lot accomplished last night, too. Started putting together the street team packets for Fluffy - I made those buttons awhile back, so I'm handing those out now. Also contemplating some more promo opportunities for RAM. I think I need to get some new stickers made with my new logo, and I think do another run of buttons for another band to test a few more things out. I also started working on attempting to get the external sound card that Jacob has loaned me to work on my laptop, but with no success yet. I got the program to recognize it and all, but can't get the sound to actually go through. The cool thing is though, someone at work made mention of a place where I could get a legal copy of SoundForge for free (awesome!) so I'm gonna do that next week and see what I can come up with. Got a lot more ideas for some music...how about recording a song using vocals only? And I don't mean just doing it a'capella - I mean sampling my voice and using that as the "instruments". I'm sure someone has already done it before, but I think there are a lot of possibilities when considering I'll be running through the effects on my GNX-2. So, good times!

In music news, Lunarclick's new site is up. My friend Eric did the site, and I think it came out really well. He's like me (and the band is too, for that matter) and is more partial to the simplistic html approach, so they're getting a bit of crap for that. I feel for him, because I know how that goes. The cool thing is that they put up both three new tracks to download (their new cd is going to be awesome) and a bunch of older mp3's that hadn't been released online before now. So I've been jamming out to those all weekend. Check it out: www.lunarclick.com.

Song of the Day: Lunarclick - "Drift" www.lunarclick.com

Wow, some people never cease to amaze me.

Over the last few weeks I've had some very hateful emails from bands who I've been "ignoring". Not only do I have notices up on my myspace profile, my website, and my forum that I had been behind because of my laptop being out of commission, but really...are you seriously going to get mad at me because I didn't respond to your email in less than 24 hours?

I answer ALL of my messages. It might take me a few days depending on the message content, but I will respond to you.

As a suggestion to any artist looking to get my attention (or anyone else's for that matter): calm down. You are not the end of the world. I'm sure you've got amazing talent deserving to be heard, but so do all the other hundreds of people that message me daily. Getting pissy because I'm not returning your messages to suit your ego is the last way to get help from me. I mean, what, do you expect me to get down on my knees to beg your forgiveness? Jesus.

Ok, end of rant.

I remember when my grandfather died, talking to my family about how everyone is put on this earth for a purpose, and not to fear or grieve, because we will only die once that purpose had been served. I said that we should be thankful that God's will has been done, and find peace in that. But do those words comfort me when I apply them to myself?

Those of you who know me really well know that I have a solid faith, even though I don't talk about it a whole hell of a lot. And those of you who really really know me, know that I have in my past had a few experiences that can't be explained in this world.

So last night I had another...dream. And maybe that's all it was really, just a dream spawned out of frustration and stagnation. But the basic idea is that I die, and soon. So I wonder, if I am in my last few months, would I be ok with that? Do I trust myself and God enough to find peace that whatever I was sent to do might have already been done? I feel like I have so much more to give, but maybe the greatest action I could commit has already happened. Kind of a sobering thought I guess.

When I first got really sick back in college, I was scared about how out of control it was, and of all the different prognoses I heard. That was probably the first time I really considered my own mortality, and how I might have more years behind me than in front of me. So I guess it's a kind of reality slap in the face to be thinking like that again.

Maybe God is just telling me to clean up my act.

"Don't turn around
Don't walk away
Don't try to lead if you don't know."

Song of the Day: Plumb - "Sobering (Don't Turn Around)" www.plumbinfo.com

So I forgot yesterday to update with how our band demo turned out. Or maybe I was just so disappointed I didn't want to think about it.

Now, I know our abilities are limited, but wow, I was so angry! When we got together last week, we agreed on a few things that needed to be changed during the mixing process: levels, etc. Did any of that happen? Not at all. In "Heh" you can barely hear me in the second chorus. Not to be 'all about me' but uh, I am the singer, and you can't hear me. Not acceptable. Period. End of story. And the songs sound vastly different depending on what system I listen to them, which points to more problems with the mixing. From what I can tell, I think each instrument got limited to a very narrow band of frequencies instead of a broader, fuller sound. So on some speakers the bass is throbbing, and on others all you hear is scratchy treble. Gah!

There were also a lot of timing issues, which I knew would be a problem. Apparently we can't keep time to save our lives. Nothing really huge, but it is noticable. The guys tried to correct it manually instead of re-recording, but I think it made it worse. In "I Can't" and "Purgatory" I sound like I'm behind everyone, but that's definately not how I recorded it.

But really, the icing on the cake, and how I know no one is paying attention, is that one of the midi files in "Heh" didn't convert to audio properly. It still sounds like a midi file instead of the sound effect we created. So noticable it hurts, but apparently Evyl didn't even listen to the final product before he burned it.

I think the best part of the night was when Derek asked me if I was going to send it out to any of my contacts. I had to bite my tongue to hold back the two responses I was contemplating: hysterical laughter and the "Are you kidding?! This sucks!!!".

To be completely fair, I look at this in two lights: one, as a singer in this band, we did pretty well for a first try. But as a music promoter...bleh!

So, here we are in all of our glory (or lack of): www.myspace.com/alienhead. Be honest. I already have been.

Moving on. Shopping went well last night! Got Chris and Toni's wedding present without incident, and then indulged in the task of thrift store shopping for a new dress. Had a lot of fun even though I was by myself, and finally found a pretty cute lavendar thing that I don't look too bad in. So, having accomplished what I had set out to do, I strolled around the store to see if I found anything else of value, when I saw them...

Ok, do you guys remember that killer goth chandelier I found at the Y-thrift store? Yeah, I just found two 2.5 foot table lamps that match. Seriously. The same person must have made these. But, wow, when I move I'm gonna have the coolest apartment ever. These lamps also need to be rewired, but no worries there obviously. So that was a totally awesome way to end the day.

Well, that wasn't exactly the end of my day. But what else can I say, other than I'm "looking for par'mach in all the wrong places"? ;-)

Song of the Day: The Anix - "Media" www.the-anix.com

This is going to be a post mainly of personalized content:

Jacob: *PANICS* I dunno, it might not be safe! *runs around* Then again, your laptop has yet to blow up with me around it, so I might be ok. Corrie's didn't freak out on me either. So...I guess we'll see.

Lance: Sorry I missed your call last night; band practice. I'll catch ya online.

Corrie: I agree with the "she-god" thing: God has to be a man because no woman would have made reproduction so bassackwards.

Been a quiet day overall, just moving stuff around. Tonight I have to go shopping to get some loser I work with a wedding present (lmao, j/k) and more importantly (to me, anyways) get a dress to wear to the wedding. Because, I only have one nice dress. And I already wore it to a wedding with a lot of the same people this year. So...dammit. I hate trying on dresses. I look like a gay man on steroids when I wear a dress. See, the things I go through because I love my friends! :-P

Song of the Day: A Perfect Circle - "Passive" www.aperfectcircle.com

Had a good night last night with Chris and Toni as always "Uh...I can...I can do the robot!" Nothing like downing a few good beers and watching sweaty men beat each other up.

Woke up early to move some files off my laptop to the flashdrive, when suddenly *light shines down from heaven* I realize...my computer is acting normally. I had freaked out on Friday when I was finding all that spyware, but then I realized...that was the first time I had cleaned off the spyware since the DSG guys had worked on it...so that was that. Nothing new. So I got online, did my usual stuff, ran my spyware detection again, and still nothing. And no virus alarms either. So, hot damn, I think this sucker is fixed, for real this time.

Although, after this month...and I'm going to shock a lot of people with this...I think next time I need a new computer, I'm gonna go with the Mac. (I can hear Corrie and Jacob cheering from miles away.) While my computer has been great to me, it's just too risky these days...I take such good care of it and still got all this crap. No more of this shit.

So that made me happy, plus...looks like I have two more freelance gigs! I got an email from a dance professor at Radford that I had worked with back in college, and she wants me to design lights for their dance show next month, so that'll be awesome. Then I heard from Lisa and she may have some painting work for me, so that's really cool too. So, yay for both updating my portfolio AND earning even more money.

Tonight should be fun. After work I'm going over to pick up Dana and then take him over to band practice to meet the guys. So that should be fun. Plus we'll get our final versions of the songs tonight. So unless something has gone horribly wrong with that, or they want me to stay until they replace me...tonight is the end, really this time. *sighs*

Song of the Day: A Perfect Circle - "Counting Bodies Like Sheep To The Rythm Of The War Drums" www.aperfectcircle.com

Em & Lo for the week of Sept. 19th...because everyone else was doing it:

Sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Everything is funnier in threes except sex. Threeways? They totally suck (if you don't agree, then you've been watching too much porn). Love triangles? They suck harder. Two Girls and a Guy? Don't even get us started on how bad that movie sucked. If you must have group sex, make it a fourway so no one's piggy in the middle. If you must enter a love triangle, please don't kid yourself that it's going to end in anything but tears (well, tears and mindblowing sex, probably). And if you must rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie, make it Only You.

And you wouldn't believe how much wierder this is in context to a conversation I had only just last night.

The day had the potential to be bad but has so far turned out alright. Got up early and hopped online for a bit and chatted with a friend whose current relationship is just as fucked as mine. Why are people so inheritantly complicated? I wonder how any relationship ever works out for anybody these days. So that was fun to just chat in our mutual exasperation, plus I gotta email from everyone's favorite rockstar daddy wondering how my business plans were going, so that was cool. Nice to know people are still looking out for me.

So after pulling myself away from the computer I headed over to Sears to see about my tire. Good news is that the damage fell under the warranty plan (like, I paid 7 bucks per tire when I bought them for something called "Road Hazard" insurance...it was so worth it!) So for about $10 I had a brand new tire and all of them rotated. So only a few minutes late to work in the end, and only slightly lower in the bank account. So that was good.

Had an overall good and easy day at work. :-) I'm glad I can be happy at work again, even if it is for devious reasons, lol. *evil smirk*

The saga continues with my laptop. One of the guys is now taking my baby home with him tomorrow to do some serious work, so it looks like I'll have to wake up early again tomorrow to back up my files, thanks to DOM loaning me his 30 gig flashdrive. Yay for computer boys!

Oh, and I'll admit it. I've been drawn in to the popular mindset. Someone buy me an iPod Nano, please.

Tonight: beer and wrestling with Chris.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Happiness" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Wow, really fucking old lyrics I found on this desktop. This is a song me and Nad wrote back in college. A damn good song about unrequited love (Johnnie *sigh*). I even have all the tracks still...I think it might be worth redoing vocals just for the hell of it.

If only I could go back, if only I could relive
If only I could thank you, if only I could be good
If only I could see you, if only I could tell you...

If only I could make you give a damn, if only I could
Repay the gift you gave me so long ago, if only
I could stare into your eyes one more time, if only I could
Deserve your love, if only I could keep my mouth shut
If only I could keep my distance, if only I could touch your face...

If only I could crawl in bed next to you, if only I could
Hear you breathing, if only I could stop drinking long enough
If only I could thank Jesus enough, if only I could
Lay my head on your chest, if only I was privileged for
Your caress, if only I could rip my heart out, if only I could
Learn to like myself, if only I could trust someone else

If only this could be undone, if only this could be undone
If only I, if only I, if only I, if only I.

Song of the Day: The Last Laugh - "If Only" www.alienheadmusic.com

So the weekend has gotten progressively more interesting. After work I went out with DOM for dinner, which was awesome. First time me and him have been able to do anything 'normal', you know? So that was a great afternoon, and then afterwards I headed over to Joe's, and then we met up with Drew and went to Awful's for more drinks. We had a kick ass bartender that made us some kinda drink that tasted a lot like Tequila Rose, but better. So I'm aiming for him as my bartender from now on.

After the bar we watched "The Longest Yard" at Joe's, and then I came on home since I was tired and kinda down about some stuff. But waking up, I feel a lot better.

Had kind of a nasty shock though this afternoon. I decided to wash my car and when I got to one of the front tires I noticed an ugly slash in one. I had hit some shrapnel in the road and thought it was ok, but it's very apparently not. So I'm going to have to take that in early tomorrow morning to get it fixed before I go to work. I'm so glad I saw that today...I shudder to think what would have happened if I had taken it on the interstate this weekend with it like that.

So I imagine I'll be taking it easy today and tonight since I'm now stranded. Gonna lay out some more I guess and enjoy the remainder of the weekend...

Dear Chris,
You suck!
- Laura

So yeah, I guess they thought I'd have more fun getting up at 5:45 if it meant I'd have plenty of pipe and drape to take down from yesterday. *grumbles and sticks out tongue* But overall the morning is good...on the other hand, nothing has actually happened yet.

Waiting for the boy to call, so at least I know I have one good thing to look forward to. :-)

Some things never die. Like the virus on my computer.

*sigh* We literally spent almost 8 hours today working on my laptop, but to no avail. Got deep into the registry, disabled programs, everything...and the shit is still on there. Next stop: back up all my files and reformat and reinstall. Joy. Guess I'll be spending my weekend looking for my program disks.

Other than that the day wasn't too bad. Nice to get paid to sit around while other people work on your computer. Plus it gave me the unusual opportunity to actually spend some time with my dirty old man at work, lol, so that was fun. He's such a great guy to be around. *sigh*

Sucks that I had to miss out on shopping with Heather tonight, though, since I had to stay late while they worked. Me and her went to dinner at Swagat the other night and had a great time...afterwards we went back to her and Ever's new place, which is awesome, and drank som Raz and ate some York swoops, lol! Good times! I'm sure other thrift store shopping extravaganzas will be in our future.

Then Frankie of all people called this evening. Wanted to tell me that his son had been born, and I guess to apologize for just dropping off the face of the earth. I guess I appreciate the gesture, but at this point, you might as well have let sleeping dogs lie, eh?

Have to hit the sack early tonight since I *gasp* have to be up at 5:45 to be at the hotel tomorrow morning. Just like old times, eh? But then the rest of my weekend is free, so no worries. And I need the money...

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Afraid This Time" www.celldweller.com

"...and what has love gotten me this year? Broken dreams and dead babies."

So the week continues to fall into crap that my life usually is. Been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to figure stuff out. So much drama, so much complications. I remember when life used to be so easy, so clear cut, so black and white.

I used to criticize some people I know for being weak. Now I see my own weakness as well. I know what I have to do, but I don't want to.

"Somebody get me outta here, I'm tearing at myself
Nobody gives a damn about me, or anybody else..."

Song of the Day: Garbage - "Medication" www.garbage.com

So a big sigh of relief...Fluffy's board is fixed, thanks to Lee's uber cool hosting.

Not really feeling too well today. Started feeling bad yesterday, but I just attributed it to stress. So my boss is just letting me chill out a bit today, which is cool. Tonight should be good though...haven't had Indian food in several months now.

Feeling kinda down about stuff too. Sometimes right and wrong isn't so easy to determine. It's kinda like how I feel about homosexuality - I have a firm belief in Jesus, and my faith decrees that it's wrong...but how can love be wrong? So how do my feelings for a man in a difficult situation make me a bad person? It's like the Libertarian philosophy...if no one else's rights are being infringed upon, then who the fuck should care?

I need to get out of here.

Song of the Day: Nine Inch Nails - "Every Day Is Exactly The Same" www.nin.com

Wow, the fun never ends.

So Fluffy's forum got hacked today. To be honest, I'm surprised we got lucky for so long, seeing that I've seen just about every other band's board get hacked before now. Fortunately, whoever did it was a novice and didn't destroy the whole thing. Template is still intact, as well as all the private forums and the members list. Hell, even though he reset my login, he didn't change my email, so it was fucking easy to take back control. Dumbass. But the all access forums are gone, which blows. Lee's looking into seeing if he can restore from earlier this week, so we'll see how that goes.

It's always something, eh? I hope tomorrow goes better.

But today wasn't a complete waste. Mixing went really well tonight, and yes, we're done. Mastered songs should be available by practice on Tuesday. I'm taking Dana with me, since the guys are looking for another guitarist, so I think that'll work out really well. I just want to get my laptop fixed so that I can start working on my solo project again.

I'm gonna down a beer really fast and get some sleep.

Jesus fucking christ.

Apparently, if it requires either simple hand tools or heavy lifting, I have to be the one to do it.

I have never in my life been surrounded by so many people that can't figure out how to do the simplest things. Like, ok, you need to move some tables, but there is mic cable running through holes connecting them all. Um, ok, unscrew the boxes and pull the wire! Wow, what a concept! And, oh, uh, these really fucking heavy tv trays need to be moved into storage...well...we'll just leave them for Laura, because they're both almost as heavy and as big as she is.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm proud that I can do the work that I do, but that does not mean I want to do it all the time by myself while everyone just stands around staring or goes home early. Gah. *Note: I do wanna say for the record I'm not actually talking about anyone in my department, but rather in other departments associated with us.

*slams head on desk* Today has just been really frustrating in every possible way. I got up early to go to this last minute career fair that my mom found, because ClearChannel was going to have a booth. So I wake up early, wrestle with my lame laptop to get my resume off of it, and head over. I get there to their measly booth, and there is this dude arguing with the CC chick...something about "wanting a gauranteed job and job security" and all that. So I walk away, and come back. Still arguing. I walk away again and come back, and this time go up to the booth and start picking through papers. STILL arguing. So I walk around the place again, and the third time the dude is still there, so I'm like, fuck that shit, and headed on. I wasn't really impressed anyways. The website had more information, and Lord knows I need a K92 bumper sticker like I need a VD. Besides, I think it's against my standards as an indie promoter to work for a major company. Though it would be nice to get a job someplace like that when I move so that I at least know I wouldn't starve for a year.

Speaking of not starving, my 'dirty old man' keeps bringing me lunch, lol. How cute. He's a good guy. He saw I was having a rough day and moved a lot of the heaviest stuff for me without me even noticing until afterwards. *sigh*

Anyways, tonight: the studio. I hope tonight I'll be coming home with my equipment in one hand and a cd of demos in the other.

"Here's a toast to vulnerability
Cheers for abused trust
You could say love is all-consuming
And it just consumed me
This fire that consumes me..."

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Purgatory" www.alienheadmusic.com

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

My life will never be boring. :-)

Anyways, just called Heather (I know, I suck about calling people) so me and her are going to have dinner on Wednesday, so that'll be awesome. She told me she was trying to get a job at the hotel, so that's really cool...it'll be fun to see someone I know around there.

I also talked to Corrie earlier today about some cool ideas her company had that might benefit my bands on RAM, so we'll see where that goes. I just wish I had a million dollars and could do it all, lmao. We talked a little bit about my impending move, so that was cool. I can't wait to get on with my life.

Then tomorrow should be our final day of mastering. I know I keep saying that, but I think this time it really is the end. Derek and his wife had me, John and his wife over for dinner last night, so much fun was had by all. I'll miss those guys.

Anyways, off to dinner with my mom in a few minutes...work has been pretty laid back today. Spent most of it just trying to get the shop cleaned up before we start build. I feel I at least need to keep a place that Wedin would be proud of.

"And then my pocket's broke, and you don't see a ring.
These are not all of the infintesmal things
You can find wrong with me, once would you tell me please
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do right?"

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Do Right" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Pretty chill day, though I have to say I jinxed myself last night with the post about my laptop being ok...soon after I finally found a file causing some problems, was able to get that off, but then after Norton starting finding a virus that it can't quarantine, and it seems to be utilizing Internet Explorer. Couldn't delete the file. So I tried uninstalling IE, but it wouldn't go away either...so then I tried to end the process, and everything on my monitor just disappeared. So, great. Lovely. *sigh* It looks like reformatting may have to be the final solution, which blows, since I will lose EVERYTHING.

So today I just ignored it, laid outside for awhile, then went over to Derek's with John and Amy for dinner, so that was a lot of fun. Lots of good food and conversation, so that's cool.

On the more sober side, today is September 11th. I guess it's interesting being in my generation, because unlike D-day or Pearl Harbor day, this is a day that I have distinct emotion and memories attatched to. Every year since then I think about what happened that day and compare it to my day to day problems and think that I'm pretty damn lucky.

I need to get my act together, though. Been living life wild these past few weeks, and have really just kinda gone AWOL with RAM since my computer hates me and since I had been more immersed with distractions in my personal life. Our family accountant never got back to me about my legal stuff, the bastard, so I'm going to have to try to find someone else to get my contracts and stuff written and sorted out. So that's gonna be the new goal for this week. Fun's over, work begins again.

Well, I'm back on the laptop now. It's still not completely fixed yet, but the best we can tell is that all the bad stuff is off, and as long as I run my adware program whenever I reboot, I'm ok...it's just annoying. But, work is still in progress, so hopefully soon I'll be back on track.

Had a great day after all. Cute flirty boy came over (who I now affectionately call my dirty old man, lmao) earlier this afternoon, so we had a good time together. Talked a lot, cuddled a lot, and worked on the compy. I feel badly for him, really. He's very sweet, but in a difficult situation. I hope that we both bring some mutual comfort for each other. We're thinking next weekend we might go to the lake for a few days to hang out, so we'll see how that goes. Good just to be friends, eh?

Big brother called but I didn't get a chance to talk to him, but hearing his voice on my phone mail made me happy all the same. :-)

Work at the hotel was painless tonight. Got done way early, so I'm back home in time to see Julien-K tonight, so that's awesome.

"You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it; my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return."

Song of the Day: Alanis - "You Owe Me Nothing" www.alanis.com

I'm mainly writing here just to see if Chris is reading to see if I write here while I'm at work. *waves at Chris with way too much enthusiasm*

Been a good night to come back on...low-key, getting me back into the swing of things. It's also fun because I've run into two people I went to college with...I already knew that Daryn worked for Mill Mountain (they're having a fundraiser tonight) but I also ran into John Bryant, who is now also working there. Had a great chat with both guys, and John told me some very sweet news: he's going to be a daddy! He and his wife just got pregnant a few weeks ago, so congrats to him, and I'm sure most of you theatre buds will be happy to know both John and Daryn are doing well. And that those are people you should call if you wanna work there, lmao.

It's been fun running into so many people too who I knew from before. Lots of hugs and welcomes back, so that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

You might have remembered that I mentioned about a month ago that I had realized there was one guy in particular I was interested in seeing again...I've talked to him a few times tonight, so now I'm thinking...hmn...wonder if he's married, lmao?

Speaking of my lack of a love life, I guess I could update a little more on the thing at work (the other work.) I'm glad to say things didn't go awkward at all. He's actually brought me lunch both days, randomly, which is sweet.

*sigh* I'm so bad like that. But maybe just a little fun right now is all I really need while I'm trying to move.

The only other thing I've been meaning to post is that Julien-K will be appearing on MTV tomorrow night with Chester of Linkin Park to support his new solo project for the relief concert for the Katrina victims. So that should be awesome.

Alright, gonna go finish my sets and strikes now. :-)

So it's Friday, which is cool. Except that it's a long day since I work my first real shift back over at the hotel tonight. Should be interesting. And I need the money.

But the day is starting off well. I'm feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed right now with things that have happened this week, but a cute boy just played the perfect song for me on the radio today, so that made me happy. :-) Thanks Jacob.

Back to inventory...

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Under My Feet" www.celldweller.com

"Never get drunk unless you're willing to pay for it the next day." - Scotty, Star Trek: The Next Generation.

So other than a hangover and some swollen eyes, I'm ok. I woke up feeling better about the whole thing. It wasn't a bad night...in fact, we had a lot of fun. Just not the kind of news I was expecting to hear. *shrugs* We'll be friends, so no worries. But thanks for all the emails and messages, and offers to swing by work and kick some ass on my account. Love you guys.

"But I guess...what I'd really like to know is...is she as tight as me?"

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Heh" www.alienheadmusic.com

Uh, yeah.

Things didn't quite go as planned...though it wasn't such a bad night in the end.

Anyways, I'm not gonna go into the rest, but I guess you guys can take it from here. Anyone who really wants to know can call. I'm gonna go have a few more beers and try to sleep this one off.

So tonight's the moment of truth, eh? Didn't get a chance to talk much to flirty boy today other to have him drop by and say he'd pick up beer and pizza on the way over, lol. So *sigh of relief* I can put off the cooking disaster to another day. Anyways, only have about a half hour of work to go...getting a little nervous, lol.

Today was good, though. Went over to the hotel for a little "brush up orientation" to learn about some of the new systems they've installed since I've been gone, as well to see if I could still get a 10x10 cradle screen up. I could...barely, lol. Gotta work to get back in shape, because I don't know if I would have been able to do the 12. Met the new technician while I was there, and he seems to be uber cool. Really relaxed and nice, so he was fun to talk to.

I look fat in my HR shirt.

ANyways, you can be sure I'll post tonight or sometime tomorrow about how things go...keep your fingers crossed I guess.

Song of the Day: Alanis - "Head Over Feet" www.alanis.com

Stolen from Corrie's blog:

10 Years Ago: I was fucking psycho, literally.

5 Years Ago: I suddenly found myself in the popular crowd, which oddly enough was also the geeky crowd. Don't know how that works.

1 Year Ago: I had just finished my 90 day training and was working my first full-time job as an independent player of the team.

Yesterday: I worked on my tan, did my laundry, started cleaning my room, hung out with Chris and Toni.

5 Snacks I Enjoy: Cheese, popcorn, graham crackers, taquitos, oatmeal cream pies.

5 Songs I Know All the Words To: "How Many Licks" by Lil' Kim, "Like a Prayer" by Madonna, "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk, "Spiderweb" by Jimmie's Chicken Shack, and anything Orgy ever did.

5 Things I Would Do with 100 Million Dollars: Put most of it away for retirement, buy a house, give a lot to charity, throw the biggest party ever seen in the state of Virginia, run for office.

5 Places I Would Run Away To: Key West, L.A., Scotland, Mexico, the Bahamas.

5 Things I Would Never Wear: I will agree with Corrie in that I'll wear anything once...just not necessarily in public.

5 Favorite TV Shows: Family Guy, Star Trek, MASH, Who's Line, and Daria.

5 Bad Habits: letting my nail polish chip, clenching my teeth, procrastinating, not calling people, scratching.

5 Biggest Joys: Getting hugs, eating a really good meal, having a good convo with God, feeling at peace, making a friend who's having a bad day smile.

5 Favorite Toys: my laptop, my cellphone, my car, sqoooooosh pillows, and Murphy (my giant stuffed puppy).

5 Fictional Characters I Would Date: Professor Snape, Mr. Spock, Batman, Odo, and Dracula.

Cute, cute, cute! Hahaha, today has been great. Well, let's start with last night. Went over and hung out with Chris and Toni last night, which was awesome as always. Good company and good beer is always a good combo. I got home and found a cute email finally - he had been out of town all weekend, so I was lacking in good reading material lately, lol. So, feeling confident, I came to work, and it's been non-stop-Corrie-is-throwing-up cute all freakin' day. From literally bouncing off each other in the hallways to being tied up in Cat-5 cable, it's been scandelous. I can only imagine what our coworkers are thinking. But it was also very sweet...I had to do some emergency surplusing today, so he came down and helped me move all the heavy TVs and such all afternoon so that I could get out of here on time. Once we were done and I wasn't quite so flustered he gave me a very sweet hug, pressed his face into my neck and commented on my perfume..."It'll be something to remember you by as I walk around the rest of the day." Hahahaha! How adorable!

So, finally, yes, a "date" is now planned. He's coming by to fix the laptop tomorrow evening, and I've somewhat offered to cook dinner. So...to my friends who are more cooking-inclined than me: HELP! Someone send me an easy recipe that I can't screw up! It's either that, or, gah, it's gonna be a pizza night, lmao.

Song of the Day: Madonna - "Deeper and Deeper" www.madonna.com

So the show got busted up by the cops at 7:58 this evening. Told Jimi if he said one more thing into the mic they'd arrest him. WTF is that all about?

It was a good concert though, despite the brevity and the drunken frat boys. Damn, only a year out of college and I feel so old. So, anyways, in the meantime Joe called me up on his way home from college, so after the show I headed over to his place for a few more beers and some fried chicken, because I'm Southern like that. Kinda tired now though...so I think I'm gonna head to bed soon, and dream sweet dreams. ;-)

"Do the Hokies have large talons?" What happens when Napoleon Dynamite and my quasi-enthusiastic school spirit combines:
http://newsobserver.com/content/multimedia/sports/dynamite/
Stolen from Jake's LJ, which was stolen from Mike's LJ. Speaking of Mike's LJ, it's now linked up on the side for your reading enjoyment.

So today has only increased in cuteness value. Wow, haven't felt this silly or happy in a while. I guess we'll see what the weekend brings. I'll probably be kicking around here most of the time, cleaning and such. The 'rents are out of town next week, so I'll have the house to myself. So put two and two together, eh?

Tomorrow night, however, is a much needed soul-purging that will be the Jimmie's Chicken Shack show. Then Monday night is beer and wrestling night with Chris. And now that I'm thinking of it, I need to go out and get a dress for the wedding. I only really have one nice dress, and I've already worn it this year, lol...

Cute! Guess who just donated money to RAM out of the blue? Hehe, I think this one's a keeper already. :-D

Oh, and this is for Lance:

LOST
LANCE'S WEENIE
Approximately 18 inches long and 5 inches wide
Covered in brown fur
Last seen in a cage in SW VA.

But seriously though, I hope you find your dog soon! Poor weenie dog. For those of you who don't know, Lance had trained her to attack on the command of "Are you gonna take that shit?" and pointing. Lol.

I win.

So last night in my drunken brilliance (someone really needs to take away all forms of communication from me when I've been drinking) I decided that the best course of action was to just email him and ask him out. So I woke up this morning thinking, "Oh my god, what have I done..." But checked the email and got a very enthusiastic "Yes, that would be killer!" Haha, I rock!

So I'm feeling good! Time to walk the floor now, eh? ;-)

Song of the Day: News Travels Fast - "As Beautiful As You Are" www.newstravelsfast.net

I just don't get it.

Today he got as far as telling me I looked pretty AND asking me what I was doing this weekend, but STILL no date. WTF?

So what's with the sudden influx of blog spam? Anyways.

Been a productive day so far. Woke up early, got gas (ouch), got my oil changed, went to the pharmacy, went to the bank, went to the hotel...basically did everything except eat lunch, dammit. We're still playing "where's a shirt for Laura?" over there...apparently they thought they had some new small tech shirts, but no...only mediums...so I'm like swimming in this thing. The joke never seems to end on that one, lol.

...and it's Thursday and still no date. I have a feeling I'm gonna have to take things into my own hands, lol.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Ghettoverit" www.jimmieschickenshack.net