I had another really wierd dream about death last night. This time it was about someone I "knew", but really it was this fictitious person that was sort of a combination from two random girls from my childhood. Both girls (in real life) were very odd in a way, mainly because each had an overbearing mother who thought their little girls were perfect. Anyways, this "Carrie/Robin" combo character grew up and went to the Airforce Academy where she was killed in a tragic accident during flight training. My mom (in this dream) was showing me the article in the newspaper, where her mother kept going on and on about how though the daughter's will had specified that her earthly possessions be given away, she (the mother) was so upset about all the money that would be lost. Literally pages and pages about her going on listing all of the possessions that were valuable - antiques, the house, the car, etc. Well, fast forward to the funeral, where I was participating as one of "Carrie/Robin's" closest friends (again, these are people I never knew very well in real life) and as the service started and the priest got up to begin, everyone in the audience started talking and laughing. And I got so angry...I started screaming for people to be quiet, but I couldn't get enough power to shout very loudly because I was so upset. My mom tried to get me to stop, but I broke free and started going up and down the rows of people and punching everyone that was talking, and screaming at them to shut up and pay attention.
Wow, my dreams are depressing and violent lately. Is this really me?
I have a feeling of impending doom again, and I think these dreams might be signs. I've been a bit nervous lately regarding DOM. Every once in awhile he mentions how violent it gets at home, and that scares me. I don't like the picture I get in my head of his wife hitting him, while two little kids cry and watch. His kids mean the world to him. I can see his face light up with love when he talks about them, and how he adores being a father. I know he's only staying in this situation because of them. But I wonder if they'd be better off growing up in a broken home that was at least peaceful, instead of living with parents that are always fighting. But that's not my decision to make.
Life just shouldn't be this way. I'd give anything to find some resolution to all of this, even if it means I'm the one that loses. I guess that's the newly discovered maternal side of me coming out again.
I was thinking last night on the drive home from work about some of my life experiences, and recalled again a time I went to the BSU a few years ago and one of the guys got up and talked about love and destiny. He said it wasn't true that "everyone had someone" waiting for them. Some people have a 'greater' calling, if you want to look at it that way. Some people's love was meant for more than one person. I look back through the relationships I've stumbled through, especially lately, I wonder if my calling is to just bring comfort to those who are in situations that most other people would avoid. To love without regard to physical appearance, age, situation in life, or outside circumstances. I'd like to think in some way, though I may never have been loved truly well, that at least I've given some happiness, some hope, and some peace for a few months. And maybe knowing that is enough. Though I think, secretly, I'm always going to wish for some constancy.
Anyways. Wow, this is going to be a long blog entry. Working at the hotel today and tomorrow - long shifts, but not particularly difficult. I'm working a totaly of 20 hours this week, which rocks...more money for me!
Got a lot accomplished last night, too. Started putting together the street team packets for Fluffy - I made those buttons awhile back, so I'm handing those out now. Also contemplating some more promo opportunities for RAM. I think I need to get some new stickers made with my new logo, and I think do another run of buttons for another band to test a few more things out. I also started working on attempting to get the external sound card that Jacob has loaned me to work on my laptop, but with no success yet. I got the program to recognize it and all, but can't get the sound to actually go through. The cool thing is though, someone at work made mention of a place where I could get a legal copy of SoundForge for free (awesome!) so I'm gonna do that next week and see what I can come up with. Got a lot more ideas for some music...how about recording a song using vocals only? And I don't mean just doing it a'capella - I mean sampling my voice and using that as the "instruments". I'm sure someone has already done it before, but I think there are a lot of possibilities when considering I'll be running through the effects on my GNX-2. So, good times!
In music news, Lunarclick's new site is up. My friend Eric did the site, and I think it came out really well. He's like me (and the band is too, for that matter) and is more partial to the simplistic html approach, so they're getting a bit of crap for that. I feel for him, because I know how that goes. The cool thing is that they put up both three new tracks to download (their new cd is going to be awesome) and a bunch of older mp3's that hadn't been released online before now. So I've been jamming out to those all weekend. Check it out: www.lunarclick.com.
Wow, my dreams are depressing and violent lately. Is this really me?
I have a feeling of impending doom again, and I think these dreams might be signs. I've been a bit nervous lately regarding DOM. Every once in awhile he mentions how violent it gets at home, and that scares me. I don't like the picture I get in my head of his wife hitting him, while two little kids cry and watch. His kids mean the world to him. I can see his face light up with love when he talks about them, and how he adores being a father. I know he's only staying in this situation because of them. But I wonder if they'd be better off growing up in a broken home that was at least peaceful, instead of living with parents that are always fighting. But that's not my decision to make.
Life just shouldn't be this way. I'd give anything to find some resolution to all of this, even if it means I'm the one that loses. I guess that's the newly discovered maternal side of me coming out again.
I was thinking last night on the drive home from work about some of my life experiences, and recalled again a time I went to the BSU a few years ago and one of the guys got up and talked about love and destiny. He said it wasn't true that "everyone had someone" waiting for them. Some people have a 'greater' calling, if you want to look at it that way. Some people's love was meant for more than one person. I look back through the relationships I've stumbled through, especially lately, I wonder if my calling is to just bring comfort to those who are in situations that most other people would avoid. To love without regard to physical appearance, age, situation in life, or outside circumstances. I'd like to think in some way, though I may never have been loved truly well, that at least I've given some happiness, some hope, and some peace for a few months. And maybe knowing that is enough. Though I think, secretly, I'm always going to wish for some constancy.
Anyways. Wow, this is going to be a long blog entry. Working at the hotel today and tomorrow - long shifts, but not particularly difficult. I'm working a totaly of 20 hours this week, which rocks...more money for me!
Got a lot accomplished last night, too. Started putting together the street team packets for Fluffy - I made those buttons awhile back, so I'm handing those out now. Also contemplating some more promo opportunities for RAM. I think I need to get some new stickers made with my new logo, and I think do another run of buttons for another band to test a few more things out. I also started working on attempting to get the external sound card that Jacob has loaned me to work on my laptop, but with no success yet. I got the program to recognize it and all, but can't get the sound to actually go through. The cool thing is though, someone at work made mention of a place where I could get a legal copy of SoundForge for free (awesome!) so I'm gonna do that next week and see what I can come up with. Got a lot more ideas for some music...how about recording a song using vocals only? And I don't mean just doing it a'capella - I mean sampling my voice and using that as the "instruments". I'm sure someone has already done it before, but I think there are a lot of possibilities when considering I'll be running through the effects on my GNX-2. So, good times!
In music news, Lunarclick's new site is up. My friend Eric did the site, and I think it came out really well. He's like me (and the band is too, for that matter) and is more partial to the simplistic html approach, so they're getting a bit of crap for that. I feel for him, because I know how that goes. The cool thing is that they put up both three new tracks to download (their new cd is going to be awesome) and a bunch of older mp3's that hadn't been released online before now. So I've been jamming out to those all weekend. Check it out: www.lunarclick.com.
 | Song of the Day: Lunarclick - "Drift" www.lunarclick.com |
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