Things that make me happy lately:

- Last night, me and Frankie played one of those bar computer games, and we got a high score, so we put in FXH N LEH. *giggles* (And yeah...his middle name is Xavier...how hot is that?)
- Ben & Jerry's ice cream
- Bacardi Raz
- a local bar that is both within walking distance and has Yuengling on tap
- watching MASH during my last few minutes at work
- more people have donated to RAM
- dating a guy that picks up on my preferences just by reading one song
- snuggling
- hearing that I make him feel calm just by being around
- band practice
- being able to work a job where I can go out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (just like this week, haha!)
- Fluffy Starr & Otto's Daughter...some of the best music ever
- my plaid pink belt

Off to work!

So work has been interesting. I was downstairs building those damn podiums when I realize...hmn...I don't have enough equipment to finish the job. I'm looking around, and damn, this place looks empty. So this is fun...I've found some of the equipment moved around, but I'm still missing a lot. So we don't know if people have just misplaced our stuff (since half the campus has access to this room) or if some of it has been stolen. *sigh* On top of that, my manager has contracted some severe unknown flu-like virus and has been told to stay out of work for at least a week. So, great.

So I spent a great deal of time just straightening up...moving equipment back to where it needs to be, putting leftover parts away, etc. So hopefully that will help in the next few days as I keep building. I've got enough parts to do 4 more podiums, but there are 6 more waiting. Gah.

But other than that, it's been a good day. Frankie called and we talked for awhile about apartments and such (since they're moving too) and then John called and we chatted for awhile. He wanted to see how I was doing (since I hadn't talked to him since before my first doctor's visit) and then we shot the shit about our respective jobs, lol. You know, mine really isn't that bad, lmao.

So, yeah. Also browsing Corrie's blog and using every ounce of self-control to not start shit again, rotflmao. *munches popcorn* That dude is freaking insane. And it's pretty creepy that he keeps coming back for more. Maybe he's freaky like that, and likes having random people shoot him down, lmao! I'm so bad.

Getting ready to head out of here in a few minutes and head down to Blacksburg. Should be a fun night. :-)

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Mercury" www.myspace.com/concreteband

Good night. Practice went well - we got through a lot of the songs, and they're sounding really good and tight. Worked on "Drugs" some more, and that was a lot of fun. I think that might be one of my favorites already, and we've only worked on the verses, lmao! I get to do this alternating hypnotic singing vs. slight growl thing. God I'm hot, if I do say so myself! Lol.

Me and Derek talked more about moving out, and it looks like Jeff might come with us later on. So that might work out really well. So we're going to look for a 3 or 4 bedroom (depending on whether I get one room or two, or if the basement is big enough for a large room for Derek and the practice space.) So, it looks like it might be a good deal. I'm still leaning towards the idea of living by myself, but I can deny how awesome a house would be, how much damn cheaper it would be (we'd be paying less than 200 a month a peice. I mean, really, how can I pass that up?), and how cool it would be to live with half the band. They're good guys, and I'd never have to worry about playing my music too loud.

Me and Derek talked about the other things - when his kids would be over, pets, smoking, me having parties, lawn care, furniture - I think we got to a good understanding on things. So we're gonna go out on Thursday and check out a few places. So we'll see how it goes. I'm still up in the air about the Richmond thing. I guess I'll need to make some decisions soon.

I mean, I guess I should be thankful that I at least have options to choose from, right? :-)

In the meantime, I'm planning on having a wonderful evening with my boy tomorrow. Yay for Wednesdays!

My stream of consciousness is just wierd.

So this conversation starts with me sitting downstairs working on the new batch of podiums and marveling over the de-gendering of our society. For example: I've found amusement over the last few weeks that I've run into several men who don't know how to do the following: use a ratchet set, put away the blades on a multitool, or even carry a multitool to work. I do all three. So wierd! Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that I can do the job I do. I also think it's awesome to see a lot of guys doing things that in a lot of ways were considered to be too feminine in the past - show their feelings, cook, not pay for dinner everytime, etc. So it's good. But I think what would be better is a society where everyone could do everything...having a guy that can cook me dinner is awesome, but he needs to know how to use power tools, you know? And same for me, too...I can build all this shit, but I can't cook a meal using anything other than a microwave. So I thought, not only do I need to learn to do some new things, but if I ever have a son, I'm gonna make sure he knows what a miter saw is, lmao.

And then it occurs to me in full force, in the context of what I wrote about last night about not having a purpose...that, well, my life could easily become that in a few months. The whole thing with me and Frankie has been about the time before September...I had just assumed, and I guess he has too, that once his son is born that his time will be divided into two lives...one with his kid and one with me?

Does it have to be that way? Am I too scared to take on a roll that I didn't ask for? Did we both just assume that it couldn't be done?

This feeling isn't new. I remember with a previous ex, finding out that he had a daughter, and flipping out at first. I assumed then that I'd never really meet her, have nothing to do with her life, and that his life with me and with her would be seperate. It didn't turn out that way. I met her the second time I went down to stay with him - he was still at work, so we sat and talked in the living room for about an hour - watching tv, talking about music, Harry Potter, etc. And it was ok.

So I dunno. Me and Frankie haven't talked about this. He may not want me to be involved with his son. He may want to keep his two lives seperate. The mother may not want me in the picture, either. But I can't deny that I thought today about teaching a little boy how to use a ratchet set, and the idea made me smile.

Is this just therapy for me?

Night of broken glass, anyone? So I forgot to mention earlier that we had a killer storm come through last night when I was over at Chris's. So...much...hail. Like, ok, usually when you get a hail storm, it'll last for what, two to three minutes tops? The hail seriously went on for about 10 at least. So when I left I checked my car, and everything seemed good, but as I was driving home my windshield was acting very wierd. Taking a look at it today, it seems that it got scratched up during the storm. I can still use it for now, but I guess I better call up insurance and get that replaced. I know that when winter comes, water will get in there and freeze and destroy it. *sigh*

On top of that, I broke my first peice of a/v equipment in my life yesterday. We finally found where a lot of our old equipment had been stashed from an old set-up in one of the renovated buildings, so we moved that out and on to another room. Well, the major problem with this campus is that it's not all connected, and not completely wheelchair accessible. (Not sure how they can get away with that, but whatever.) So in order to get the a/v carts out of this one building and into another, we have to take them outside, on a very uneven sidewalk, and into the next. So, you guessed it...I hit a break in the sidewalk that stopped my wheels, and crash! the whole thing went over and the overhead projector went crashing into the pavement. I'm just thankful it was a transparency projector from the '70's and not, I dunno, an LCD projector or some shit like that.

So I've spent my first hour here working on that - my manager said not to worry about it and just surplus it, but it actually wasn't that bad. Other than a few superficial scrapes on the outside, the only thing that ended up damaged was a small corner of the mirror in the lens head. So I took that off and cleaned it out, and it works just fine. So maybe I'll get back some of the points I lost for dropping it in the first place.

The bad part is that stupid me leaned into the glass shards that I had dumped on the table, so now I'm attempting to get the glass out of my skin with a tweaker. Fun times.

Song of the Day: The Birthday Massacre - "Violet" www.nothingandnowhere.com

I think it's just ended up being one of those days where the actual events (good) have nothing to do with your mood (bad). Had a good day at work, great time hanging out with Chris and Toni (good food, good beer, good company, good RAW episode) but I got home and, damn, all I want to do is go to bed and have this day be over.

It was cool because I found throughout the course of the evening that I may have a future apartment after all - like, perfect for me in all respects. And that kinda scared me. Damn, if I get my own place here, that just makes things that much more permanent. I don't like the idea of permenance in Roanoke Fucking Virginia.

So all while taking a shower and getting ready for bed, I started re-examining my priorities and my goals and realized, again, that I have no clear motive or dreams. Is that a bad thing? I honestly don't know. I don't know where my love or even my ability for theatre has gone (and I know that's been gone for awhile) and I don't know where my drive for LA went. I don't know what the next step is for my business. I don't know where this relationship could possibly take me. Maybe the excitement in life and in this industry is about the unknown, but I don't know. Maybe because I'm surrounded by people that are freakin' married and having kids and settling down is just getting to me too much.

I don't want to think that I'm 22 years old and that I may have already lived the best experiences of my life, and that the game is over. I need a change.

"Change your ways
For now, you're living in a dream
Change your ways
For now, you're holding me down."

Song of the Day: Disown - "Beautifully Sickening" www.disown.cc

I forgot to mention that Jeremiah called the other day, and it looks like our cruise is going to be next to impossible to do. Smaller ship = less rooms, so everyone goes on standby, and that's no good. No way we could both get off work AND get plane tickets on 24 hours notice.

But on the flip side, Dana and Laura have invited us down to stay with them and go to the beach for a few days. (This includes drunken skinny-dipping at night, which apparently I am now famous for. Oi) So Corrie, I'm calling you tomorrow providing I can find your work number again, ha!

I'll close for the night with some feel-good lyrics for a friend that I think might be hurting right now:

"If I don't kid myself
if I don't care about a thing
would I be light enough to fly?
And if I just rid myself
the weight of memories and doubts
would I be light enough to fly?
If the world was flat would you jump off?
I think I'd float down like a feather
she lights the stars in the sky
you know, angels can see them clear
through foul weather.
And when the race ends
well we all fall down
safe and sound.
30 days
She wakes up
and I'm caught staring again
She asks me
"What did you dream?"
I haven't stopped and isn't this part of it?
As we lay rivers where once were streams.
And when the race ends
well we all fall down
safe and sound.
If we lost our way
would we trade it now?
For the way we found
the ground
and how
30 days
without the sun
30 days
just a little scared of what might become
and we're home when we're together
home when we're together
we are home when we're together
30 days."
- Jimmmie's Chicken Shack, "30 Days"

Man, I slept in till after 3 this afternoon, and that was awesome. So I lazily got up, ate some lunch, then headed over to band practice. That went well...we discussed going into the studio (ie, going over to Evyl's since he has the better recording equipment), so we're gonna do that in the next few weeks. We worked pretty hard on a lot of songs, which got kinda brutal for me. There are two songs that are on the upper half of my range, and that just kills my throat after doing each several times back to back. So I guess I need to do some better warmups, or at least practice more throughout the week.

We finally started work on "Give Me Back My Drugs" and that was pretty cool. It's interesting to play, because it switches from 4/4 to 5/4 every other measure throughout the verse (basically there's a pause at the end of each phrase). It sounds badass, so I think this is gonna be cool. As a side note, the song isn't referring to hard 'drugs', but about people that have to use behavioral drugs to live. There's an interesting backstory to it, but anyways. Welcome to the world where just about everyone is on something for some problem. I seriously thought about it the other night, and in a way I guess I'm pretty damn lucky that I've gotten through most of my life without needing any chemical help. "Chemicals keep me under control..." Nope, not me.

Got an email back from Chris...we're going to hang out tomorrow night after work and watch RAW, lol (told him I had no one to watch wrestling with once me and Jacob broke up) and maybe go out to get some dinner and some drinks beforehand. So it'll be great to see him again.

So, gonna watch some American Dad, talk to my boy, then head to bed so I can get some overtime in tomorrow at work. Allllllllllriiiiiiiiiiiight.

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Venus" www.myspace.com/concreteband

Another good night. I met up with Derek at the new Awful Arthurs here in Salem, and goddamn, it's like the best bar ever! It's freakin' huge...got 5 pool tables, a huge bar that runs the lenght of the store, darts, a stage, and...get this...they actually have Yeungling on tap. So that's gonna be where I hang out every night from now on.

So we had a great time. We ate (better food than I get at the other locations), played two rounds of darts (I won both), played two rounds of pool (I lost both, lol), and talked. He's doing ok. It sounds like everything that he and his wife have decided was mutual and for the best, and no hard feelings. So I'm glad things are going to be ok. We discussed the possibility of renting a house - he wants to find something nearby so he can be closer to the kids and not disrupt their lives so much, and that happens to be very close to where I work, so that'd work out really well, and having a freakin' house would be awesome. We'd probably have a studio / bar in the basement, and each have our own rooms...he'd take the master, and I'd have a smaller one for my room and another for my office so I could set up my server for RAM. So that'd be awesome. The area is Garden City - for those of you who don't know it, it's conveniently close to downtown but simultaneously out in the boonies, so lots of land and privacy, but only about 10 minutes from work. So this might work out really well.

We also talked to the venue about getting a gig there, so we're now talking to some of our friends in bands about putting together a show...thinking about 3 or 4 bands, so this would be awesome. Sometime in August. So we're gonna kick everything into high gear starting tomorrow and get this going. Rock!

So I got home and had gotten a reply back from Jacob, so I think all is well. I just wanted to let him know I wasn't mad and I still cared. No pressure, no worries. No more animosity. So I feel good about that, and hope he does too.

Me and Frankie have kind of been continuing conversations that started last night, and I think we're getting to a good understanding of things and each other, which is good. I feel stronger and I feel comfortable. This may not be the easiest place I've been in in my life, but my eyes are open, I'm willing to try, and willing to take this all for whatever it may be worth. I feel like I'm falling free.

I also did one of my first 'solo' songs earlier this evening. Venus. Finally got to write a song about sex. About damn time, eh? Lol. I'll post it for download once it's finished. For now, here's the lyrics. Not the sultry thing I was planning; more about the beauty of it. What you always should remember.

"Open wide...and mind closed
She invites him in
This is as close as they get

An embrace so close
that he goes right through her
She loves to look him in the eye

A movement...so fluid
A feeling...so combined
The ghost of purity...is what she wants to find"
- Concrete, "Venus"

I've decided after playing around with some of the "mock-up mixes" I've been making for Alienhead, that in a way I've discovered a new sound of music (for me at least) so I'm going to record my own solo album, almost completely with non-traditional instruments. My solo project is going to be called Concrete, and my album is going to be 9 tracks, each one named after a different planet. Wheee!

Last night was great. My gig ended early so I was able to head home and shower and such with plenty of time to kill; I made my way down a little early and headed over to Xroads to see Jack, which is always cool. So I talked to him for a few minutes and asked him to check to see if they'd get in Violet in August. So we'll see!

Then me and the boys met down at the Rivermill - some of Frankie and Jesse's friends had birthdays, some are moving away, so it was a great big party of coworkers, and there was lots of drinks and merriment to go around. I met a lot of really cool people, which is always cool. I like being able to hang out with people who are at my age and in the same situation in life as me. Good times.

Afterwards we all went back to the apartment, drank some more, and played some cards. Lot's of fun. Me and Frankie ended up staying up until 6 this morning again...no wonder I'm always so damn tired, eh? Lol. Not that I mind one bit. We spent several hours this morning just cuddling, and finally had some lunch before I headed on home. A lot happened last night, and I feel so strong and so comfortable right now.

But on a sad note, while I was there Derek called to let me know that he and his wife are getting a divorce. So I'm gonna go meet up with him in a few to talk to him. So that really sucks for everyone involved. He mentioned that if I don't move to Richmond that perhaps me and him could get an apartment together, and with the way pricing is around here, I think that might be the way to go. So lots to think about. We'll also have to find a new practice space I suppose - though they are parting on good terms, and she might be cool with us still using the shed. I guess we'll see.

Oh, and because it's the end of the month. June Shortlist:
Alienhead - Dead Inside
Celldweller - Last Firstborn
Ever - Decay
In Winter - Bitter Season
Jacob Bock - Phone Call #1
Jimmie's Chicken Shack - Living With Ghosts
John Cena - Bad Bad Man
News Travels Fast - (Track 5 - don't remember the name)
Orgy - Pure (Thorn's mix)
Otto's Daughter - Stripped
Stevie Nicks - Long Way To Go
The Anix - Sometimes
The Birthday Massacre - The Dream (Digipack Mix)

Song of the Day: Otto's Daughter - "Stripped" www.ottosdaughter.com

Things I keep forgetting to write:

The Birthday Massacre is getting distribution through Metropolis Records. For those of you who don't know, Metropolis has Frontline Assembly, VNV Nation, Wumpscut, and more major artists on their label, so this is an awesome thing.

When I was at the doctor for all my other shit, she also gave me some new lotion that just came out for my skin, and, omg, it's actually working. Still sucks that it's just treating the symptoms and not the cause, but hey, I'll take it if I can actually look good in a bikini now.

I tried out a new shade of lipstick. Got away from the goth hot pink thing and went for straight out orange/bright copper. It's brilliant.

Alright, off for a night of drunken amusement in Blacksburg. I'll be back sometime this weekend if anyone's looking for me. Also, you can call me if that'd be easier. Peace.

One of the joys of being a theatre technician is all the crazy people you get to work with. And it seems that the easier the gig is technically, the more worried your clients become.

It's a freaking podium mic! That's all! You talk into it!

I just gave a 15 minute class on 'You and your microphone'. No, the mic doesn't work if you point it away from you. Yes, you actually do have to be within a foot of it to be heard. "But I'm afraid I'll hit it!" You've got to stand a bit closer, ma'am. "Can you turn it up?" No, you need to talk above a whisper.

I've also been asked for a lighter, matches, a knife, a doorstop (because stage weights aren't enough apparently) and if I know anyone who can come play the piano at the last minute.

In other news, Frankie just called awhile ago, and that was cool. He was kinda irritated with some stuff, so I let him vent for awhile, then told him what I'd been up to today. So it was a good conversation, and I'm feeling pretty good. Once I finish gauging my eyes out here (the money makes it worth it, the money makes it worth it) I'm gonna head home, take a shower, make myself all pretty, and head down to meet up with everyone. See, the fun part is that Frankie has someone that keeps hitting on him regardless of the fact that he's dating (and actually, is more pursuent now that he is dating), so I'm gonna do what I do best, and be a damn good (and hot) girlfriend for all to see. Hehe, fun times.

I've gotten a lot done today too while I've been sitting here. Been working on a book that I started to write a few months ago called "Media Technology for the Public Presenter". I think I might talk to everyone here and at the hotel for input. Kind of a "Projectors, VCRs, and Microphones for Dummies" kind of thing. It's kinda fun, actually.

I've also been working on "Dead Inside". I had a great idea while driving to Tech the other night about segueing into Celldweller's "Last Firstborn" at the end to tie it all up. I meant to ask Klayton more about that at the show last year. I want to know if it really means what I think it means.

And on that note, one of the ladies just walked off stage and into the scene shop, so I think it's time to lock up my office.

Some days you just wake up and you know that this is the day you make peace.

I wrote Jacob a letter, an extension of the proverbial olive branch. Something about the very short discussion I had with Lance last night, and the way things are going now with Frankie, just underlined the importance of letting go. I'm so glad that I have good relationships now with Jeremiah and Lance, and I want that with Jacob too. And I think it's important to have come to peace before continuing where you are.

So I do this for myself and my future, and to complete this circle.

Song of the Day: Jacob Bock - "Phone Call #1" www.myspace.com/jacobbock

Nothing says 'sexy' like the smell of burning plastic.

But seriously, here's an update on some of the events of the last 24 hours.

In regards to burning plastic, one of my duties with these lecterns is to take out some of plexi panels and cut them down so that people can turn on the computer, but not actually steal the computer. So at least once I week I bring a stack of these plexi panes up to the scene shop and cut them in half on the table saw. It is so gross. Sawdust I can handle, but this thing tears up the plastic and throws melting shards into the air, getting on my skin and my clothes, and making an awful smell. I have to open up the loading dock doors and let the air in, and my skin is starting to rebel from the minor burns I keep enduring. Yesterday I had the fun experience of getting a peice of plastic in my eye (somehow got past my safety goggles) but miraculously did no damage to either my eye or my contact. So I called it quits after that and made my way to Blacksburg smelling like that plastic toy that you left on the heater in elementary school.

And yeah, I did go to Blacksburg after all, and things were better. I guess things just take time. So I'm still trying. :-)

I think the most interesting thing about today is that I woke up and my mom was freaking out a bit; looked up the road and what do you know? THERE'S A SINK HOLE. Took out the entire part of that street. I mean, our entire neighborhood is built on the side of a mountain that was known to have underground springs, so I mean, really. How could anyone not see this happening, eh?

Song of the Day: Jars of Clay - "Sinking" www.jarsofclay.com

Ahhh...now that I can sit down at work with a soda and wait for these lectern deliveries, I can write a bit more.

First of all, I'll admit laughingly that I am being an 'internet punk' and having way too much fun on Corrie's blog, lol. That guy is incredible, wow! Hahaha. But on a more serious note, it does get me mad too, because like I said before, I've also had comments made to me in the past that because I didn't have to take out loans for school or go into debt up to my eyeballs that I don't know the value of money, etc. Here's a few thoughts on that.

First of all, most of you know that I went to a high school with Dual Enrollment, AP, and IB classes. So instead of being a slacker in high school, I worked damn hard and got 33 college credit hours. A lot of my friends have done similiar things to save money and time in college. Doing this was in no way easy. But because I did, I saved money by taking cheaper (dual enrollment and AP & IB test fees are undoubtedly cheaper than college tuition) methods of college education (while in high school), and I saved time in college by being accepted as a Sophomore.

Secondly, because I worked so hard, I got scholarships both in high school and throughout college to help pay. Now you tell me why me getting money through my own merits is somehow worse than just getting a contracted loan that anyone can apply for?

Thirdly, a lot of loans you take out for college don't have GPA requirement. You can get by with whatever minimum your school lets you get a way with. But I know in my case and I would imagine others, if your parents are paying for your education, you better damn well keep yourself on the honors list. So again, a lot of effort goes in maintaining your parent's funds.

I'm not trying to put anyone down that had to go through the loan route. A lot of my friends did, and I respect what they had to go through. But to say that because I - or one of my closest friends - is spoiled or doesn't know the meaning of money because we've never been in debt is just rediculous. I'm thankful I have parents that both were able to and were willing to help me out. I'm thankful everyday that I can put my paycheck in my "savings" side of my account instead of "checking". I'm thankful that I can pay for health insurance on my own, and put away a bit every year for retirement. I know a lot of my friends can't yet.

So if I was not working, sitting around on my ass, mooching of my parents, and spending what little money I had, yeah, you could say I was spoiled. But I've got a damn decent job, starting my own business, and I manage my money with the best of them. I know a lot of my friends do to, and we have a lot to be proud of.

Ok, I'm done with that discussion.

Moving on to matters of relationships, yeah, me and Frankie just had a wierd night last night. Band practice ended really early since Evyl was out and Derek wasn't feeling good, so I called Frankie up to see if he wanted to hang out a bit.

To be honest, even though I'd overall had a good day, I had something said to me by one of my friends (completely unintential) about my last failed relationship - nothing big, honestly, but just enough to kinda, I dunno, sober me up. So I was in kind of a wierd mood - I have a lot going on around me, and I know I'm approaching a turning point in my life.

A few weeks ago when we were in Cleveland, Frankie got a little upset because I was having a hard time dealing with some stuff, and I just kinda shut down and wouldn't really talk to him about it. Nothing against him - I just gotta get to know someone before I really open up, especially if I'm in a relationship. So he was a bit frustrated because he knew I was hurting, and wanted to help, but I wouldn't let him.

Well, last night I was hurting a bit again, and I could have either gone home, or called up one of my buds for a drink and dealt with it that way. But instead, I thought that I wanted to spend time with him for my consolation. So I guess in a way this was the first time that I did open up to him and tell him how I was feeling. And in a way, it was just disasterous. No response, no words of comfort - I think I scared him.

I know that's how Jacob felt whenever I mentioned Lance. I know, I know...I just got out of one relationship and moved on to the next, but it's not like any of you guys didn't know that. In the same way that Frankie let me know from the get-go that he was about to be a dad, I told him I had a rough break-up with some severe consequences. I really don't know what any of you want from me. You tell me to let you in, then when I have a rough day you move to the other side of the room and tell me you don't know what to do?

So yeah, I'm pretty pissed off. I just wanna guy who's not afraid of me.

Some breif deep thoughts, since I don't have time to make a large post:

I think I figured out why relationships in general start to fail eventually; the guy sees a strong girl, wants to get close, but she doesn't let him in. So he persues, she starts to trust him, and then finally one day gives him what he wants: honesty, emotional vulnerability, a look at her pain. And that freaks the hell out of him and he runs away. My kingdom for a man strong enough to stand with me.

For a lively debate about whether kids who are fortunate enough to have parents help them through college are by nature "spoiled", head over to Corrie's xanga. ;-)

I've heard back from Theatre IV. Let the interview process begin.

Chris emailed me yesterday, which was awesome. He doesn't know it, but the "what-the-hell-was-his-name" comment made my day. :-) *waves at Chris*

Out the door to work now, then I suppose down to Blacksburg, but I'm not sure I'm going to go know. I have a lot to think about...

So I'm sitting downstairs waiting for my coworkers to finish up their duties so we can move some more of these blasted podiums. I feel better though - not sick anymore, and I feel like I'm finally getting something accomplished here at work. So that's always good.

Did a lot of crazy stuff over the last few days. Got my new t-shirt in for RAM, and it rocks, so I'm gonna go ahead and bulk order. I've also started the process rolling for getting my LLC set up, so that should all be finished in about two weeks. Then last night I went on a graphics spree and made a shit load of new avatars for various bands...did you know that some of the 'biggest' indie industrial bands I listen to have no promo icons? What's up with that? So I made some for 51 Peg, Disown, Celldweller, Yveline, and a few others. They came out really well. I also sent in an idea to Eric about a new logo for Lunarclick. I thought it was cool anyways, lol.

So, band practice tonight. Then tomorrow, spending time with the boy. Should be a good week.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Beautiful Disgrace" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Good weekend for the most part! I headed down to Blacksburg and ran into Jesse and Frankie at Krogers, so we got some icecream and beer and headed back to their place. So that made my sore throat happy. We had a lot of fun...Frankie tried to teach me how to play Magic (lol - proud of me, Jeremiah?) and then me and him and Jesse played a few rounds of Harry Potter Uno, lmao. So much fun! We kept throwing down rounds of 3's, so it was like a mini Snape orgy on the table. Rock! Haha, j/k.

But no, seriously, just an all around good, laid-back time. Me and Frankie were up until about 6 this morning, and it felt so good just spending time with him. He's so sweet to me. :-) I'm happy.

Band practice went ok, though I'm starting to feel sick again. We got through most of the songs, then really worked through a lot of the programming. We're talking now about stepping up rehearsals to three times a week, so things should get interesting.

Tonight, I'm going to try to get a lot of sleep before dragging myself back to work.

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Dead Inside" www.alienheadmusic.com

Posted by some dumbass n00b on the JK forum. For your reading enjoyment (this is especially for you Lance):

Ok here we go, latley I have noticed threads vanishing from everywere. Here, and other forums I have been in, its either the people who provide us this Board doing it to save space, bandwith or what ever. Or it could possibly be a hacker doing so, the solution is.
To solve the problem the board will have to locate this to a server or what ever the darn thing is. All the other's wich arent many I've been on, have totally relocated to what I believe is called a server. That is the only way your going to quit loosing threads, now if they dont mean nothing to ya, then dont worry about it. Is this board with (EZ) or not, I was just wondering?

Please excuse me if I miss spelled any thing, but I think we get what I'm saying, Thank U.

So still sick today, though not as much. Slept in late, then laid around outside for awhile. Jeremiah called to let me know he was getting settled in on his new ship. Said he'd let me and Corrie know what the deal is about our cruise in about a week. So, Bahamas, here we come! Did I mention recently that I love my big brother? Yes, I do!

So while I was outside I popped in JCS's latest cd. It's been awhile since I've listened to it. I used to spin it constantly right after me and Lance broke up. So it was kinda wierd, sitting here a year later and re-listening to it. A lot of stuff has changed in just one year's time. I've graduated, had two jobs, had more relationships, made new friends...burned bridges behind me, loved valiantly and lost, and dealt with life and death on whole new levels.

I think in the end I still come out ahead when all is said and done, but I can't deny that there are some things in my past I still wish I hadn't lost. But I guess inner strength comes when you learn how to accept things for what they've become...and not move on exactly, but learn to live with it.

I guess I was thinking about the past a lot recently, now that my stress levels have gone down, and also since over the last weekend me and Frankie did the whole "life stories" thing, lol. The last time I went that deep into my past I guess was the time me and Jacob had done the same thing almost a year ago. Maybe I should re-examine where I've come from more often, so I can get a better idea of where I'm going.

"I've learned to embrace my fears
and keep most of my demons down
I'm one in a miriad of ghosts
in myself I have found
sometimes I don't feel anything
except the goodness in heart you bring
cannot plan what were going to be
'cause I'm not lost inside...of me
no I'm not lost inside...of me
no you're not lost inside...of me"

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Living With Ghosts" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Still sick, so I stayed home today so I could try to kick this. So I've been lying around on the couch, working on updating RAM. Added a bunch of new artist profiles to the site, and I think today I'll write a few new reviews. Been talking to a bunch of bands about distributing some more promotional items, and that's always fun. Finally, been talking to Evyl - he's helping me get the LLC set up, so hopefully I'll have all this done in a week or two, and then - I start selling and get the compilation pressed. I feel like I've gotten a lot accomplished.

Anyone know where to get some good laminates made?

I feel kinda wierd as I started my birth control pills today. I don't know why that makes me feel wierd, but it does.

Song of the Day: Otto's Daughter - "Loosing You" www.ottosdaughter.com

Oof. So I went home early as my throat is getting worse, and I now have a headache and a fever. Meh.

My parents went out for a dinner interview, so I played around a bit with some Alienhead stuff. I figured out my notes for "Heh" so that Derek can add in an organ into the programing to back me (that's gonna be fucking creepy) and then I made my first mock up of the new song I've been writing, which I've decided to be cliche and call "Dead Inside" (no goth band should be without a song with that title.)

It's been easier to write the song now that that "episode" of my life is complete...I found the final lyrics, and did some basic programming for the entire song, and added in the samples of another recording that I wanted to allude to. It's going to be powerful I think when we do this, but not insulting, so that's good. No need to be on the attack, eh? Not at this point.

So I'm gonna be a bum for the rest of the night and watch tv, and wait for my boy to get home. :-)

Yesterday kinda sucked, and today isn't starting out much better. So I got to work and got chewed out for something I missed the day before, which I admit was my fault. The thing that gets me is that the situation that was described to me in said chewing-out was definately not the situation that I found when I went to fix the problem later on. So I'm wondering why the story is twisted, and who twisted it.

Later on though I met up with Frankie and Jesse (though not after an absurd amount of planning to avoid incovenience that really just led to me trying to get off work early so that I could sit around in my office for an hour and a half...anyways) but in the end it was all good...we met at Logan's for dinner, and though my meal wasn't as good as it could have been ("That's six ounces??"), the beer and the company was, haha, so we had fun, then went over to Best Buy for a bit (I picked up the new Phantom of the Opera since me and Jacob never made it out to see it) and afterwards went to see Batman Begins.

What a great movie! It's got a great plot line, and visually, though not overbearing, is very well done. The acting was actually very good, so overall I'd say...go watch it!

What's really sucking right now is that I woke up yesterday with a sore throat, and it's gotten worse today. I left Frankie's last night feeling really bad, too, so I'm wondering if I'm getting strep - one of my coworkers just had it. So this could potentially really suck.

Anyways, back to work I go. I wish Theatre IV would call.

I think I've lost so much weight now that my rings are too loose for my fingers. Crazy!

So band practice again went really well. We made it through our setlist twice (including pausing to work some problem spots) - and yes, you heard me, we now have enough songs down to say we have a setlist. We theoretically could start playing opening slots now. Rock! I'm so excited. We're getting better and better. On Sunday we're gonna start working on some new songs, and maybe through in another cover or two. So yeah - we're right on schedule.

[Hahaha! Futurama and it's James Bond rip-off. Ok, back to blogging.]

So yeah. Good night. Oh, I forgot to mentioned that I created a few new shirts for RAM on my cafe press account, so if anyone's interest, show the love and buy a damn shirt. I'm still hoping to get some real ones made, but I think these will actually look pretty good. I ordered one for myself so we'll see how it comes out. I'm using the new logo Adam made for me. I'm thinking of making some for the compilation too? I dunno, lol.

Anyways, waiting for the boy to come home. He called me this morning to make sure I was ok, and has been ever so cute all day. (Sorry, Corrie, if you start feeling sick again...that would be why, lmao.) Me and him had a bit of a talk last night about our respective futures, so we're just kinda seeing how things go. A lot of things are up in the air, and we know that, so we'll just take it as it comes, eh? :-)

Oh, the Otto's Daughter EP is nice. Has an alternate version of Don't Care that is really cool. So, go and buy it! And go buy the News Travels Fast cd too.

Relief.

The visit to the doctor went well. All my tests came back negative, and she didn't find anything today to give any alarm. So that takes such a weight off my back.

I still have one unanswered question, which at this point can no longer be found. When I first told her what had happened, her reaction was the same as mine had been. But neither the test or the exam showed any residual evidence, so I guess I'll never really know for sure. At least if that is what happened, it was complete, and there's no need for surgery for it, or for anything else for that matter.

I feel so much better, even though I'm always gonna have that lingering question in the back of my mind. One thing I do know for sure that this was too close and way too emotional, and I'm not gonna let it happen again. I should have done this a long time ago, but from now on things will be ok.

Song of the Day: Otto's Daughter - "Don't Care (EP Version)" www.ottosdaughter.com

So I talked to Colleen tonight and she sent me some of the pics she took on Thursday night while we were all trashed at Fat Fish Blue. Exhibit number one:


Notice the Fat Fish Blue "pasties". Yeah. It's good to be a girl. That's Nikki, "little" Jay, Colleen, and myself. Awesome.


I'm so gangsta. Me and my beer and my eye patch sitting on the table. Rock!

Ok, so there is also a short video of myself and Nikki very very wasted, and rolling in laughter, with Ryan, Bobby, Frankie, and "little" Jay behind us. Don't know if I have the balls to post that though...lmao...ah...good times!

Today has been pretty irritating. Got to work and started on a new batch of lecterns...this is gonna take freaking forever, seeing as I'm averaging about 3 every two weeks. *sigh* But the thing that really annoyed me is that my boss is telling me I may be going to first shift next semester because of my collegues class schedules. Bullllshiiiit. One of the reasons I quit my last job was so that I could get a better schedule. So I'm now officially looking for yet another new job. Hopped on to BSJ.com and found that Theater IV is hiring an ME, so I just applied for that. That I think would be a decent job...and maybe Lee and Molly need a roommate? ;-)

So I return to the doctor tomorrow. I found it amusing that they remembered to call and remind me of my appointment today, but have yet to give me my test results back from last week. This just has disaster written all over it. Ah, well, better to assume the worst in this case, right?

I got OD's new EP in the mail today, but haven't popped it in yet. So I'll probably do that in a minute. I already had all of the songs, but I don't know if some of these are new mixes or not. Anyhow, they're a great band, so it'll be cool I'm sure. Jackie even signed my cd cover, which was pretty cool...hahaha, and put a big smiley face on my envelope. Good times.

Song of the Day: Otto's Daughter - "All I Ever Wanted" www.ottosdaughter.com

So things just got kinda wierd today I guess. I ended up having to cancel on band practice since after waking up I started feeling bad...my voice went, and my neck feels like, well, like I'd been to a concert. So I was all ready to spend a cozy evening on the couch when Derek gets back in touch with me, and he's kinda freaking out, so we met at Mill Mountain and talked for awhile about our respective shit.

So now I'm buzzing on caffeine and still awake, lmao.

Didn't get a chance to talk to Frankie hardly at all tonight. He gets home late as it is, then tonight he had some shit he had to take care of, then had to go hang out with some of his buds who came into town at the last minute. It's so frustrating that his and my schedules are so different. I have my doubts sometimes about how well this is going to work out, heh. But on the other hand, I need a slow and low key relationship right now - I don't want to, and for that matter don't even think I have the ability, to get into anything too close or serious. That's something that he brought up this weekend that upset him - that right now I can't let him in any farther or let him be a complete comfort. He does so much for me, and I think more than he sees right now, but I guess on the outside looking in it is pretty scary from his point of view. Anyways.

Been talking to Lou on and off throughout the day. We had kind of a wierd convo this weekend, and I felt like I needed to clarify a few things about what's going on with me, so I just kinda laid everything on the line tonight, since he's gonna have to know soon anyway if I do have to have surgery. So that was kinda wierd. He's like a father figure to me in some ways, even though in others were not really that close...so it was kinda wierd telling him about what I'm going through. I dunno. Just a fucked up situation every way you look at it.

Lance called while he was on the road a little while ago, so it was cool to talk to him for a little bit, though my phone battery was dying. LMAO, just like old times, eh? Haha, I remember doing the same thing with him when I was on my way back from Cleveland last year. Damn, how times have changed.

So yeah, I'm just in a wierd mood right now. Not really upset, but not really happy either, but somehow peaceful and stressed at the same time. One thing I know for sure is that things are not easy, and I don't think they will be for a long time.

All I can think back to is that one night in Utah I made a final choice, and knew I would accept the consequences if they fell into bad favor. And I've done everything that I know is right, and I have held on to my own self-respect. But no amount of mental acceptance could have prepared me for this. In a way, this was and is one of the most horrific things I've delt with in my life, but at the same time, I can still stand to look at myself in the mirror. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Things are terrible, but I haven't done anything that makes me feel like I took the easy way or the path of irresponsibility. I'd still give anything to change the circumstances, but I can at least find peace and strength knowing that if it had been in my control, I would have done the right thing.

One of these days, things will turn out right, and I will rule the world.

Ahh...finally...sleep...

So it's almost 2 in the afternoon and I'm awake now, after being dead to the world for about 12 hours. I had a great week but did not get ANY sleep, lol. So now that I'm refreshed, here's an update of final events, as well as a few short stories from Ohio.

After waking up and checking out, me and Frankie had lunch and ran into the wife of Orgy's sound tech, and she was awesome. So we had a good convo, then headed on for good; ran into Grace, Teresa, & Co. as they were leaving too, and off we went. Finding our way back was relatively easy, so we had a good car ride, even if things did get a little...damn, how even to hint? hahaha...well, things got interesting. I like Frankie because there are things I can say or do that I don't think I've ever felt comfortable with with anyone else. Yeah, I'll leave it at that, lmao.

I think car rides to and from concerts are so much fun, with all the anticipation before and the feeling of completion afterwards. Me and Frankie talked a lot both ways, and of course during the week. This was the period of time where we ended up going from being pretty well acquainted to really knowing each other, which is to be expected after spending three days in a hotel room together. Things weren't always peachy - we had a few, I dunno, not even fights, but clashes I suppose, but after all was said and done, I think that was just the hard knocks of getting to know someone. Kinda, getting used to people's lifestyles and preferences. I think that we bonded a lot, and that is cool.

Anyhow, we got into Blacksburg around 6, ordered a pizza, and watched stored Futurama episodes for awhile. Dana called from the Blue Oyster Cult concert and said he and Laura were having people over at their place later, so I made my way home, dropped off my bags, and headed over there. Dana played bartender (he makes really good White Russians, and it's not like I had enough to drink this weekend, right? Eh.) and then he and Laura showed me how to play a cool form of bridge. I lost royally, but it was fun. I had come home and found that Casey from JCS had sent me his new band's, News Travels Fast, album, so we listened to that. Good times.

Today will be a breather for the most part. I'm going to edit a few interviews, and send Lou some pics, then head over to band practice. Though my throat is still sore, so I guess we'll see how that goes, lol.

Some funny stories from this weekend...

We went out to this place called Fat Fish Blue the first night we were there. They're this crazy Mardi Gras type place, and they wrap little kids toys in the silverware, so, you know, most people were getting toy soldiers, jumping frogs, etc. What did I get? An eye patch. I wore it, and Mike would be proud!

The big L man got us in the van after the show and made it across Cleveland in about 30 seconds, in which we narrowly avoided about 4 wrecks.

I put out a lot of my promotion materials on their promo bar at the back of the venue. In about half an hour, all my cds were gone - the samplers, the demos other bands had sent, etc. - as well as most of my stickers and birthday massacre flyers. Later on I threw a handful of buttons on the table, and now half of Cleveland is rocking a RAM and/or 51 Peg pin. Victory is mine!

Ok, enough for now, I'm going to eat some lunch. Damn, what a great weekend.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Pure (Thorn's Remix)" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Figured I would take a few minutes to update while we're getting ready to leave. Yesterday was great! We woke up, made plans to head over to do the FYE signing, but unfortunately it was cancelled due to lack of attendance. But that freed up our afternoon, so the staff and the band headed down to the hotel bar and shot some pool for awhile. We also got Lou a cake, and gave him a small surprise birthday party while we were hanging out. Finally, we loaded up into the van and headed off to soundcheck.

The Odeon was a very nice venue, so the band did their thing, then we all went up the street to a restaurant for dinner. Some people headed back to the hotel, but I stuck around because I wanted to make sure I saw Disown.

After helping set up the merch table, the show finally got started, and number two band was my boys, Disown. With the help of my all access PSP tag, I was up in front snapping pics. (a few of them came out pretty well - they'll be on RAM in a day or two). Disown was fucking tight - they are such great musicians! I hope they can come down and play closer to me some day. I talked to Jae after their set (he's such a cutie) and mention something about him trying to hook up a few shows with 51 Peg again. That would be a great mini-tour. So we'll see.

Finally, Orgy was up, so I made my way up with Matt, one of the other awesome interns, and we settled in to the baricade. Ran into the photographer I met at Cleveland last year, so me and him talked for awhile, which was awesome. Finally, the show started and it was amazing, as always. Got a few pics I think Lou might actually like this time, lol, so we'll see how it goes.

The band did a signing afterwards, and by that point, I was ready to head to sleep. But it was a great day, and now we're finishing up the last of our packing and getting ready to head home. Should be back in Blacksburg around 8. :-)

Song of the Day: Disown - "Far Away From Here" www.disown.cc

Greetings from Cleveland Ohio, and yay for hotels with free wireless internet!

We got up here yesterday without incident, and eventually met up with everyone in the evening - we all headed out to one of the local restaurants and hung out - lots of the staff, interns, and a few of the band members were in, so much fun was had by all. I had waaaaay too much to drink as usual, but hell it was awesome. FINALLY met Lou - he's so sweet. So this weekend should be great.

Today I believe we're going to be going over to the festival later this afternoon and do some promoting while Orgy is doing the signing at the FYE booth. Then - tonight the big concert. Boy do I need a good show, and it's gonna be great to see Disown again too.

Nad, Lou asked me where you were, lmao. We miss you.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Obsession" www.fluffystarr.com

I wasn't planning on updating this again until I knew something, but it doesn't seem like that's going to be anytime soon. For some unknown and highly annoying reason, they didn't schedule me enough time today, so I only got about half of my tests done today, and have yet to get a phone call with the results.

But my new doc is cool, and she was very easy to talk to, and it felt good to be able to say everything that I was worried about. She went ahead and put me on the meds and hopefully, in the end, that'll be all it is...but I guess we'll see. I suppose I might hear something while I'm out of town, but right now I'm planning on leaving this all behind me and enjoying 3 awesome days with the best band ever, good friends, and a very sweet boyfriend.

So after I head out of here, I've got to bust ass and clean out my car, pack, and head down to Blacksburg. We decided we'd leave from there in the morning; every less hour of driving counts, right? Lol.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Inside My Head" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Today shall be remembered as the day where I got NOTHING accomplished, lmao. *sigh* It was just one of those days at work. It was bad enough running off of four hours of sleep (though I have to say seeing my boy is worth it, lol), but everything I tried to do today just failed. Haha, ah well...everything from the wrong equipment, improperly installed peices, or missing tools...it took me 3 hours just to take some plexi panes out of the lecterns. Gah, I hate this project.

Other than that, though, the day has gone well. Got me and Frankie's room squared away for this weekend (Heh, heh, allllllllllllllriiiiiiiiiiiiiight. J/K) and I've been preparing for that most of the evening. Laundry, more laundry, packing, and cleaning. Been talking to Grace all evening as well; god, I'm so excited.

Band practice was good, even though I was a little out of it. We got particularly far on "Purgatory" tonight, and it feels really good. Very Tool-esque and hypnotic. And have I said I love my GNX-2? It's really working out great.

I'm going to bed soon, since I have to be up early for the doctor. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Tomorrow I find out for sure. I guess I'll be making a lot of phone calls afterwards to let you guys know what will be happening...

Ah...four hours of sleep is better than none, right? Lol. So I went down to Blacksburg at the last minute after a sudden rush of energy. Me and Jesse and Frankie (that link's for you, Corrie) and a lot of their work buddies went to the Rivermill for a bit, for some beer and darts. Good news is that Frankie got the weekend off, so up to Cleveland we go. And there was great rejoicing.

Hehe, anyways, so before I knew it it was close to 4am, so I headed on home...and, ack, I'm bad, I forgot to call Frankie before I went to bed to let him know I got in, so I got a cute and I believe somewhat drunken call around 6:30 this morning, lol. I promise I won't do that again, hahaha.

Got up early and took my car in before we go on this road trip, and that went well. So here I am at work, looking forward to band practice tonight. Need to do laundry too. Ah, it's so much work getting ready for a show, lol, but this one will definately be worth it.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Judas" www.disown.cc

So for a Monday, things aren't so bad, lol. Work has actually been pretty productive and fun. Finished up assembling the first 3 ECR lecterns, and then all four of us put up a honkin' new projector in the auditorium. This sucker is huge. Dual lamp and everything. So that was fun, watching 4 technicians on two precariously balanced ladders take the old one off the grid and install the new one.

Jeremiah called a little while ago, so it was good to talk to him. He's been sending me supportive emails with everything, but it's nice to hear my big brother's voice, too. :-)

Tonight I'm going to dinner with my mom, then I'll probably spend the evening cleaning and cleaning out my car, as I'm getting ready for my trip. I also need to locate my sleeping bag, lol. This is going to rock soooo hard...you can't even imagine what this is going to be like.

Tomorrow I suppose I'll have to get up early so I can get my oil changed and all that good stuff...Wednesday is the dreaded doctors appointment, so we'll see how that goes. :-/ Talked to my mom about some of that stuff finally, and she offered a few possible problems that run in the family, so I guess we'll see...

Oh, and me and Frankie had "the talk" last night, so I guess we're now officially together. Taking it slow though; we've both got things coming at us that could potential reshape our lives, so we'll just see what happens. Maybe it'll only be for a few weeks or months, but I think it's worth it. And it is so nice to have someone here with me right now. Hugs are very important. :-)

Song of the Day: 51 Peg - "Landmine" www.51peg.com

Oh, my god, practice was fucking brilliant. Things are really coming together. We went back and starting messing with the covers again, and that didn't go too badly...my range is definately expanding, and we're getting pretty good playing with a click track and the programming. Afterwards we moved on to the fun stuff, our originals. I finally finalized the prechorus part on "I Can't" to my satisfaction, and it sounds really good, if I do say so myself. This is our "mosh song" as Derek calls it...very hard and rocking. We moved on to "Heh", and finally got that down I think. We've changed it up again, now to a point where everyone drops out completely during the chorus and hit the effects to a 5th harmony, and it sounds so creepy cool. This music is like nothing you have ever heard - that one song alone is some wierd conglomerate of rock, tribal, rap, and gothic chant.

Ah, feels so good! What a great day. Hopefully this week will be just as good.

:-D I feel so good. So yesterday ended up really freakin well. The show went off without a hitch, and the guy actually paid me, in cash, on the spot, which was awesome. We finished up early too, so I was able to head down to Blacksburg and hang out longer. Frankie was still at work, so I wandered into Crossroads and found Jack. So we talked for awhile, and told me that a lot of people were in town and were all going to meet at the Cellar later. So I headed over while he finished his shift; I grabbed our next play out of the car and chilled in a booth for a bit, reading and sipping on my Yuengling. Met two cool dudes from Africa that are industrial engineering and talked to them for a bit. I think they were younger and hadn't been to the bar before, so it was kinda cute. The were really nice though, and talkative, so that was cool. Gradually people started arriving...it was cool to see Seneca and Adam again. So much fun was had by all.

11:30 rolled around so I headed on and met Frankie at his place, and we watched Hero with Jesse, then stayed up until like 5 this morning talking. We talked about a lot of good things, about things that needed to be said, and I'm feeling really good about this.

It's nice to be with someone who pays for dinner, can respect and accept my current situation, and doesn't make me sleep on the floor.

So yeah, we'll see how things go. He's trying to see if he can get off of work this weekend and come to Cleveland with me. I talked to Grace again the other night and there is sooooooo much going on, it's gonna be killer. So this week I need to move more money into my checking account, and get my oil changed, so that I'm ready to do this. Alllllllllriiiiiiiight.

Tonight: band practice. After to listening to Otto's Daughter on the way home today, I think we need to write a song about sex. It'd be hot.

Song of the Day: Otto's Daughter - "Don't Care" www.ottosdaughter.com

Today hasn't actually been too bad, aside from having to get up early. The guy they brought with them to do sound actually knows what he's doing, and is decent company, so that's refreshing. So I've just been helping out where needed, and doing my light thing.

Talked to Derek for a bit about band stuff...says he might have found us a keyboardist, so that'd be cool. Also talked about the website a bit...so far he and Evyl like it, haven't heard back from Jeff, but that's encouraging. It was fun to do, and a different layout than what I usually do. So yeah, go sign up on the message board and show the love, bitches.

Speaking of message boards, Redrum has one too now, so you should hit that one up as well. Me and Lance were talking the other night, and he mentioned something about me and him doing a RAM/Redrum exclusive, so we'll see where that goes. Should be fun. Also, Ever has a new one since the old one got hacked (what is it with hacking phpBB these days) so you guys need to check that out, too.

Frankie called a few minutes after Derek, once he got a break at work. So that was pretty cute. I wish his schedule was a bit closer to mine, but it'll be ok. So we'll chill tonight, and I may have him help me with a few photos tonight or tomorrow since the band shoot had to be postponed. I need some with me with short hair, lol. *yawn* 3.5 hours to go...

Song of the Day: The Anix - "Stuck In A Phase (Ever Remix)" www.the-anix.com & www.evermusic.net

[the evolution of industrial is proceeding]
[the invasion begins - summer 2005]

Has anyone else noticed that the mini size Three Musketeers bars have caramel, but the regular size ones don't?

So work has been good - I started assembling some of the new media lecterns, so that's gonna occupy my time for a few weeks. They're actually mostly complete, but I just have to put together the chairs, and add the keyboard platform, the power amp, and the extra shelving in each. So it could be worse. I worked on the first two today and got them pretty much finished, so we should be able to actually start installation next week. The end is in sight, eh?

Working downstairs gives me time to think about stuff, and today I had an epiphany about the new song I'm writing...I can actually hear most of the song instead of just having lyrics for a chorus, lol. So that makes me feel good...got all my ideas written down as best I can, so maybe we can start working on it soon.

Frankie called me a little while ago, and that was cute. Last night we were trading writings - short stories, poems, etc. that we had written, since he's a big fan of writing and such, and I've done my fair share. It was a lot of fun. He said he finished one of mine and really liked it; he had sent me a poem that, er, was a bit more recent, and it was very sweet. *giggles* I'm so bad. :-)

So this weekend is pretty full - I spent the last few minutes here at work cleaning and setting up for tomorrow; tomorrow is the dreaded old lady pageant, though it really shouldn't be that bad. They're bringing their own sound equipment, so I'll probably just end up sitting around all day in the sound booth, lol, and get paid an absurd amount of money for it. Afterwards I'll head back to the 'burg to see Frankie. Sunday we'll hang out before he works, then I'll head back up here...we were supposed to do band photos in the afternoon but I think that may not happen, so we'll just have practice. But it's all good.

Another 'deep thought' provided by Lance: ever wonder why there are no black smileys?

Yeah, I dunno, lmao. Anyways, me and him are talking about random stuff. He's thinking maybe a group of us should take a trip to Mexico next summer, spend the week trashed on the beach during the day, and partying at night. I can get behind that.

There's something about finality...about how you know, things are gone, for good. But finality is necessary for change and growth, and so I move on.

After me and Jacob had that last big blow up I had no interest in dwelling on the failed relationship anymore. It's been a couple of weeks now, but I remember one of the last things he said to me was along the lines of "If you have to hate me, then fine." He was, of course, alluding to the fact that I had in a way made myself hate Lance for a time so that I could get over him. I thought maybe I'd have to do that here, too.

I was wrong. I didn't 'have' to hate him to get over him. I hate him, because, well, I truly lost all respect for him after the way things were handled. There was no force; once he showed his true feelings and the total lack of emotion he had for me, I was well on my way on.

I kept telling him that I didn't think he was a bad person, but that he was making bad choices. He said that he felt like he was a bad person anyways, and at the time I didn't really want to think that, but ironically enough I found the answer in The Chamber of Secrets. The last movie we watched together. Dumbledore tells Harry that it is not our talents that define us but our choices. I don't think Jacob is inherently a bad person. I don't think he ever intended to hurt me or anyone else. But he's weak. He consistantly decides to do what is easiest, rather than what is right. And yes, that makes you a bad person.

I can't respect someone like that, and I certainly don't involve myself with people with such awful moral value. I thought that in a few months I could come back and me and him could be friends, but I was wrong. The man I fell in love with almost a year ago is not the person he truly turned out to be, and that's always such a sad thing to find out.

So I spent a few minutes this morning and removed him as a friend from all my online accounts. I had noticed he had already pulled down his support for RAM on a few sites, so I imagine he's feeling the same way. He will be the first guy I've dated that I never resolved with, and you know what? That's ok. I'm over it.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Pure (Thorn's Remix) www.punkstatikparanoia.com

You'll have to pardon my bluntness for a moment, but this is something that I need to write.

Every six months or so (in fact, around my birthday and half birthday, because I'm morbid like that) I update my last living will and testament. I started doing this back in college when I first got very sick, and I'm working on it tonight, being that it's that time of the year and lately my thoughts had been twisted towards thoughts of mortality.

I'm not uncomfortable with the idea, and you all know me well enough to know I've got a strong faith, but I just wanted to take the time to mention this. And that if the worst is ever to come, this document is located in the "Papers" folder on my laptop. I figure someone who reads this will remember.

Oh, and when I say I want my ashes shot into space like Gene Roddenberry, I mean it.

Yesterday shall be known as "the day Laura almost died at work - twice." So yeah, after getting followed by a cop ALL the way on the interstate yesterday, I get in and start working on receiving some new shipments, one of which being a bunch of boxes of short (1.5" x 12") threaded pipes we're using to install the new tv's and lcd projectors in the rooms. So I'm moving them in, and bam! the bottom of one of the boxes falls out and these iron pipes come crashing down on my foot. This, boys and girls, is why we don't wear anything but steel toed boots to work.

So after checking to make sure my toes were still intact, I continued on my day, and finally finished and went to lock up. The inner door to our storage office is tricky - you've gotta slam it to get it to close - so I turned of the lights, slammed the door, and crash! the glass pane came toppling out of the window on to me. It didn't break though - don't know how that works, but anyways...at that point of the day I decided that there was a conspiracy at work to kill me, and that the third time might be charm, so I left the rest of my heat shrinking until today and headed out early.

Plus, I mean, I wanted to get to Blacksburg, so it worked out for the best on all accounts.

So yeah, got into town, and me and Frankie headed over to India Garden, where they had one of the best dishes of Chicken Tikka Masala that I've had in a long time. Frankie seemed to really like it, being a spicy food fiend as well, so it was a great dinner. We stopped by the Cellar afterwards and shared a pitcher of Yuengling and chilled for a bit. I ran into Charles there too (when do I not run into Charles there, lol?) so that was nice - he's always good for a heart-warming hug. Once we finished our beer we headed back to his place and curled up and watched Love Actually, which happens to be one of his favorite movies, too.

So, yeah...it was a great night. So...I guess...maybe I should write more? Frankie is really sweet. He's 24, and a bit calmer than most of my friends, which is one of the qualities I really liked about Jacob. He's very respectful about a lot of things, which reminded me a lot of Jeremiah. I've told him about the kind of things I'm dealing with right now, and...though this may not make sense to anyone else...it seems that with some of the things he's dealing with in his life, that he's the best guy out of anyone that could possibly understand what I'm feeling right now. And then, before I left, he made me promise to call him to let him know I got home safe, which is exactly what Lance used to do.

I mean, I don't mean to dwell on the past, but there were just those few nuances that have appeared over the last few days that really reminded me of some of the best experiences I've had in my life, as well as new things that I was looking for - he's more of the targeted age that I think I need, lol, and just stable enough in his life, though not too set in his ways. He's been very honest and open about himself, which is how I am, so it's nice to be with someone who's comfortable enough to lay it all out of the line from the get go. Oh, and he's a damn good kisser.

So...are we dating? I dunno. I told him that I was trying to let things in my life settle down for awhile (and I really did mean it, too, Corrie, lol) But I think one of the better qualities about me is that I'm always willing to give love another try when the possibility presents itself. Maybe it is too soon. Anyone that has talked to me in the last few weeks knows that I wasn't looking and was really enjoying living life for me these days, but then this comes along. And I wonder...maybe it might be hard to start something new so soon, but it might be harder to live with the question of wondering what it might have been like if I hadn't tried. So I guess we'll see what happens over these next few days.

Anyways, off to go crawl around in some storage units to see what new equipment we got today...

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Frozen" www.celldweller.com

After work I had the unappealing task of going over to see John and let him know that the band wanted a new guitarist. He's a great guy, and a great musician, but it just wasn't working. But things are cool, he understands, so off to practice I went.

Got there early, set up my system and starting playing around with the new song I'm writing. Helped get some of the pain out of my system.

Practice went well...is getting hot as fuck in there, lmao, so we may end up getting to know each other very well in the future, haha! But yeah, good times with good people. We're going to get together early on Sunday and head downtown to stage some photo shoots. So that will be a lot of fun.

So, I'm gonna head to bed early tonight so that I can get a good nights sleep before my little date tomorrow. :-)