So things just got kinda wierd today I guess. I ended up having to cancel on band practice since after waking up I started feeling bad...my voice went, and my neck feels like, well, like I'd been to a concert. So I was all ready to spend a cozy evening on the couch when Derek gets back in touch with me, and he's kinda freaking out, so we met at Mill Mountain and talked for awhile about our respective shit.
So now I'm buzzing on caffeine and still awake, lmao.
Didn't get a chance to talk to Frankie hardly at all tonight. He gets home late as it is, then tonight he had some shit he had to take care of, then had to go hang out with some of his buds who came into town at the last minute. It's so frustrating that his and my schedules are so different. I have my doubts sometimes about how well this is going to work out, heh. But on the other hand, I need a slow and low key relationship right now - I don't want to, and for that matter don't even think I have the ability, to get into anything too close or serious. That's something that he brought up this weekend that upset him - that right now I can't let him in any farther or let him be a complete comfort. He does so much for me, and I think more than he sees right now, but I guess on the outside looking in it is pretty scary from his point of view. Anyways.
Been talking to Lou on and off throughout the day. We had kind of a wierd convo this weekend, and I felt like I needed to clarify a few things about what's going on with me, so I just kinda laid everything on the line tonight, since he's gonna have to know soon anyway if I do have to have surgery. So that was kinda wierd. He's like a father figure to me in some ways, even though in others were not really that close...so it was kinda wierd telling him about what I'm going through. I dunno. Just a fucked up situation every way you look at it.
Lance called while he was on the road a little while ago, so it was cool to talk to him for a little bit, though my phone battery was dying. LMAO, just like old times, eh? Haha, I remember doing the same thing with him when I was on my way back from Cleveland last year. Damn, how times have changed.
So yeah, I'm just in a wierd mood right now. Not really upset, but not really happy either, but somehow peaceful and stressed at the same time. One thing I know for sure is that things are not easy, and I don't think they will be for a long time.
All I can think back to is that one night in Utah I made a final choice, and knew I would accept the consequences if they fell into bad favor. And I've done everything that I know is right, and I have held on to my own self-respect. But no amount of mental acceptance could have prepared me for this. In a way, this was and is one of the most horrific things I've delt with in my life, but at the same time, I can still stand to look at myself in the mirror. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Things are terrible, but I haven't done anything that makes me feel like I took the easy way or the path of irresponsibility. I'd still give anything to change the circumstances, but I can at least find peace and strength knowing that if it had been in my control, I would have done the right thing.
One of these days, things will turn out right, and I will rule the world.
So now I'm buzzing on caffeine and still awake, lmao.
Didn't get a chance to talk to Frankie hardly at all tonight. He gets home late as it is, then tonight he had some shit he had to take care of, then had to go hang out with some of his buds who came into town at the last minute. It's so frustrating that his and my schedules are so different. I have my doubts sometimes about how well this is going to work out, heh. But on the other hand, I need a slow and low key relationship right now - I don't want to, and for that matter don't even think I have the ability, to get into anything too close or serious. That's something that he brought up this weekend that upset him - that right now I can't let him in any farther or let him be a complete comfort. He does so much for me, and I think more than he sees right now, but I guess on the outside looking in it is pretty scary from his point of view. Anyways.
Been talking to Lou on and off throughout the day. We had kind of a wierd convo this weekend, and I felt like I needed to clarify a few things about what's going on with me, so I just kinda laid everything on the line tonight, since he's gonna have to know soon anyway if I do have to have surgery. So that was kinda wierd. He's like a father figure to me in some ways, even though in others were not really that close...so it was kinda wierd telling him about what I'm going through. I dunno. Just a fucked up situation every way you look at it.
Lance called while he was on the road a little while ago, so it was cool to talk to him for a little bit, though my phone battery was dying. LMAO, just like old times, eh? Haha, I remember doing the same thing with him when I was on my way back from Cleveland last year. Damn, how times have changed.
So yeah, I'm just in a wierd mood right now. Not really upset, but not really happy either, but somehow peaceful and stressed at the same time. One thing I know for sure is that things are not easy, and I don't think they will be for a long time.
All I can think back to is that one night in Utah I made a final choice, and knew I would accept the consequences if they fell into bad favor. And I've done everything that I know is right, and I have held on to my own self-respect. But no amount of mental acceptance could have prepared me for this. In a way, this was and is one of the most horrific things I've delt with in my life, but at the same time, I can still stand to look at myself in the mirror. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Things are terrible, but I haven't done anything that makes me feel like I took the easy way or the path of irresponsibility. I'd still give anything to change the circumstances, but I can at least find peace and strength knowing that if it had been in my control, I would have done the right thing.
One of these days, things will turn out right, and I will rule the world.
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