"i don't agree with ever talking shit about your band whatever the case is. bands are marriages and it's like talking shit about one of your wives. (if your a mormon)."
- Jimi Haha

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Krush (clip)" www.fluffystarr.com

First order of business:

I know, kind of a cop-out to use the t-shirt design, but this was last minute and I'm working all week. Anyways, if you guys wanna help promote my boy's show, that would rock.

Speaking of my boy, hahaha, cuteness everywhere! So I got him that little kitten the other day, right? Well, we were talking online and he had his webcam on, so we started playing this game where he would run around the room in the 20 seconds between pics and put the cat in different places. So it was a game of "Find the Kitten" online, lol! Cute! So the kitten ended up on the Cheat, under the blanket, in the laundry basket, on his shoulder, right in front of the camera...hehe...so great...

Now, off to sleep before a long day of work. If you have some time to spare between 3:20 and 5 tomorrow afternoon, listen to Jacob's radio show! Nite nite!

Clothing Update:

So here's a listing of some of the things I've found in the course of tearing apart my room.

Things that weren't nearly so cool a few years ago, that I'll totally be rocking now:
Splathouse t-shirt - yeah, I used to play paintball.
Poplar Forest Archeaology t-shirt - yeah, I used to be a volunteer archeaologist, too.
Latinman t-shirt - a very funny shirt I picked up at the Latin Convention years ago. Yeah, you guessed it...it's blue with a big L in the middle.

Things that I wish I had forgotten I had because I would have gotten my ass kicked at Tech for them:
Just about anything with UVA on it - sweatshirt, long sleeve t-shirt...
Salem swim team shirt with a big football on it with the slogan "If swimming were easy, we'd call it football."

Surpise amazing pieces of clothing that look better on me now than when I bought them (in middle school, more than likely):
Electric blue tank top - hot, hot, hot!!!
Most all of my swimming t-shirts - especially the state championship ones.
Reflective burnished gold tank top - totally wearing this the next party I go to.

Things that I had to throw out finally:
Black tank with Chinese characters in red glitter - most of the glitter was gone.
Box of jeans, all with metal clasps - I had kept them for awhile just in case the metal allergy went away as suddenly as it came. Time to move on.
Several very cool shirts that just never fit right and I had barely warn.

Things that brought back memories I had long forgotten:
After prom t-shirts.
Yearbook t-shirt.
Black tech pants from Dracula.
Girl Scout camp t-shirts.
Super Week t-shirt.

Things that I had previously wondered where the hell they had gone to:
Grey knee socks for my Harry Potter Halloween costume.
Red "leather" jacket.
EC Glass team speedo.

So yeah, that was lots of fun...more coming soon I'm sure...

Had a surprisingly decent day at work today...not too hard, not too boring, and I got out on time. Everybody was in a really good mood, so we all had a lot of fun. I also am starting to feel more comfortable with some of the larger sound set ups we're doing, so that rocks.

So what have I been doing this afternoon? Going through ALL of my clothes...since I've been losing weight, I figured it was time to start going through the huge box of clothing I had put away because they all were a little too small. And you know what? Most of it fits now! Most of the pants had to go for good, but a lot of these really awesome shirts I had barely worn now look pretty freakin' good. I think a lot of my friends would slap me silly if they actually saw my entire wardrobe. I think I have enough to make most rockstars jealous. One of these days I should post pictures. Maybe I'll do that this evening before I put it all away.

So, taking a break for a bit to check my online stuff and get some dinner...

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "NV (clip)" www.fluffystarr.com

I know I'll probably have everyone laughing at me, but woah...the track crossfade on winamp works on CD's too...it's totally messing with my mind, in a great way. And what am I listening to now, you ask? Ha! I can't tell you. I got a care package in the mail yesterday that totally rocked my world, but that's all I'm saying. *grin*

After my delightful mail delivery, I headed back to Tech as predicted and had a fabulous weekend. Me and Jacob spent most of the time at Kent's recording. So much fun. We recorded my little part on "Walking Through Fire". Jacob said he liked it but I'm never happy with my voice, lol. But other than that, wow, the new recordings are sounding sooooo good! I really think this year is Tripleside's year.
They're probably playing open mic at Champ's this Thursday, and then Attitudes next Friday. Of course, this Friday...JIMMIE'S CHICKEN SHACK! But I'll at least be wearing my freakin' new snazzy Tripleside shirt for that. *bigger grin*

So today, me and Jacob just really chilled out for most of it...the best part probably involving cuddling on the bed and eating bagels and cream cheese. (No, not a euphemism.) We ended up back over at Kent's watching all the guys play MegaMan. Hehe...good times. Such a great way to spend the weekend...

Song of the Day: Tripleside - "Closer To Shore" www.tripleside.net

Great night last night...I drove down to Tech to hang out with my boy at Attitudes for part of the evening, then made my way over to Lanaya's for the party. It was great seeing everyone again, even if the party did end a bit early (freaking noise violations).

So soon I'll be heading down to Blacksburg again to spend the afternoon and evening with Jacob. Watching part of the game, doing some recording at Kent's...fun times. Right now they're on the car trip to pick up the t-shirts. Yay!

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Vague (Jay & Paige Remix) (clip)" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

I come home fully intending to go back to bed, when what do I find in my inbox?
Majors party, tonight. Sucks that it's byob this year, but we'll live. So yeah, I will be down around 10ish I imagine...if anyone needs a ride call the cell.

Other good news: the Tripleside t-shirts are being pressed today! They'll sell for around 8 dollars, so if you want one (and I know you do) talk to me (or Jacob if you know him, lol) or come buy one from me at the shows. Yay!

Fun times in the music industry.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but have you guys been to Snake River Conspiracy's site lately? Freaking awesome new message board, and parts of the site are going up now...there's a new song up for downloading that is very cool, plus lots of very, very good new pictures of Jason and the new singer Martina. So now you can both see and hear the future of SRC. Can't wait for an album!

One of the fans on Fluffy's message board is very talented graphics-wise, and I talked to him for awhile last night...he had successfully taken the "Perfect" video and made a DVD out of it, with a menu and everything (hehe, after some suggestions I had with seeing Lance make his football DVD) and anyways, he'll be sending me a copy of it. I think that's pretty cool...and if it is as good as he says it is, that presents a possibility of potential job opportunities for getting DVD's done for some of the bands I work for...very excited about that. So many ideas...

Also, another fan from the Julien-K board made some awesome bumper stickers she's sending out, so that's very cool...she's sending me a few, so if anyone wants one, let me know. The extras will either get put in RAM packages or in the free bins downtown. Allllllllriiiiiiiiiight.

OH! Wow, I'm a dumbass for forgetting this...we made the official post yesterday after DITC released the news: Fluffy is being featured on Dead Inside The Chrysalis' new album coming out on Halloween. The song is called 'Release Your Freak' and there's actually two versions of it on the album, so double the fun! I can't wait to hear it...so everyone keep your eyes on DITC's site for ordering info...I hear that the album is actually being release on MGM (I thought they had gotten signed, heh.) so we actually might see it get distro'd. That would rock.

Song of the Day: Snake River Conspiracy - Methlehem www.snakeriverconspiracy.com

Testing...mic test, one, two... So Jacob has used the XML site feed from blogger to add mine and his to his LJ friends page...very cool, even if the formatting is a bit different. I love web stuff like this!

Work was extremely long today...in at 7, out at 5:45. *sigh* Tomorrow is only 7-12, then I have the weekend off! The game is Saturday, so I'll be heading down to Tech for that to chill with the boy. Should be a nice, relaxing weekend.

Speaking of relaxing, this girl needs a long, hot shower...

Numb the pain that eats at me
Welling up within my soul
And you are there so you can see
The tears I've cried and though I tried
I could fake what was inside...until you...
Don't throw it away...my love
Don't throw it away...in time
Don't throw it away
Myself unto you...only you
Undeniably so
So here we are face to face
In a world that fell from grace
And we are naked and as one
Lost in bliss...sweet passion's kiss
As we melt, our souls entwine...inside
Don't throw it away...my love
Don't throw it away...in time
Don't throw it away
Myself unto you...only you
Undeniably so

Song of the Day: Disown - "Undeniably So" www.disown.cc

Drama...my major and- oh wait...not in college anymore.

So I think things are ok. To be like Lou and make a long story short, lol, basically I'm getting some bad vibes from a female friend of Jacob's, and I read something today that was very worrisome. It's not that I don't trust him, not that at all...I just don't trust her. And it's hard to be far away and watch another girl drool over my man. Because, yes, I am territorial like that, and I don't apologize for that. Heh.

Anyways, I guess it's just something we'll deal with as it comes along...I try my best.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I would just like to believe
There's a world that would respect my fears.

To open up and display what I fear most.
To let it be known in no uncertain terms
What I would feel.

There is no excuse this time.

You hurt me knowing well what it would do.

Two words: Jury Duty.

*sigh*

What part of "5:45am sucks" don't people understand?

This is the second of three times just this week I'm having to pull the morning shift again. I really, really do not function well this early in the morning. It's worse, too, because the shifts are getting longer and longer...maybe it wouldn't be too bad if I was done at like 1...but no, try 3 or 4. *sigh* Making money, making money...

Anyways, Monday was really good. I spent the afternoon shopping, did not find anything for me. Ok, remember those pink pants Angel Venom made for Fluffy Starr? (If not, go look) That's what I want. Doesn't have to be that style (obviously, since they were made for her only) but I want some cool goth/glam pink plaid pants. Hot Topic has the fabric, but only in skirts and shorts. Meh. I guess I'll keep looking.

What I did find on my shopping spree is several things for Jacob's care package. Hehe. You wanna know what I found? Hehe, of course! And if you don't, well, just scroll down to the next paragraph. First, when we had been moving out of my apartment he really liked the glow in the dark stars I had on my ceiling, so I got him some of those - we spent part of the evening putting those up Monday. Very cute. Then, hehe...to be really freaking cute...I got him a small stuffed kitty. *giggles* Can't go wrong with stuffed animals. I also got him a small notebook to write in, since he's a Comm major / musician and all of that, lol. So yes, the care package project was a success. It's fun to go shopping for others sometimes...to do something special for someone else. Smiling so much my cheeks hurt.

Anyways, I guess that's about it...still trying to find out more info about the JCS show next Friday. Wow, do I need a good concert...

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Leech" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Corrie IM'd my phone this morning with the simple message: we're not in school.

ALLLLLLLLLRIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Though it is wierd to see all of my friends back at Tech and me not to be there, really. On the other hand, you have five fingers, uh, I mean...yeah, everyone I talk to has early morning classes and yeah, I just woke up. :-P

Going shopping in a minute...gotta get some new shirts for work, and I'm now hunting for a new pair of pants to wear with my RAM shirt to the 51 Peg/TBM show at the end of next month. Hot Topic, here I come. I'm also putting together a little back-to-school care package for my boy. Because we're cute like that.

I hung out with my big bro yesterday afternoon for awhile...boy, do my feet and back feel better. Muah. We chilled out for awhile, then went to dinner. I had to head on because he more than likely was getting ready for a date...hehe...yay! So I went back up to Blacksburg for a bit to be with Jacob. We spent part of the evening rearranging the band buttons on his backpack; we tried all sorts of different designs...color organization, grid patterns...and finally we decided on a randomizing method involving me throwing the buttons on his bag, and him pinning them down where they landed. :-D

We also spent a lot of time just talking about stuff. Which is good...most of the time we're just silly together, which is awesome, but it's good to be able to talk about things seriously some times. I'm still working through some stuff, but it's getting better. I worry about us not being able to see each other much now that school's started, but I guess we'll all just see how it goes...I know he really does like me, and (obviously) I like him.

Talked to Lance for a little last night, which was cool. He's having kind of a rough week...I really hope that he does get things together and heads out to LA or Mexico or whatever...I think leaving here is probably the best the he, or anyone else for that matter, could do. If he left, yeah, I'd be a bit sad, but it's hard knowing a friend is unhappy here. I'd like to think of him chilling out happy on a deserted beach somewhere south of the border, or having a drink at some kickass bar with Jay...

So yes. Off to the mall, then to Blacksburg for dinner.

Song of the Day: Lunarclick* - "Good Enough" www.lunarclick.com

It was really hard trying to pick a song of the day...Otto's Daughter and Lunarclick* both released new mp3's this week, and they're both so good. OD's is on their site, and LC*'s is on myspace. Go get 'em.

I see that I haven't really posted much at all lately; work is kicking my ass. Today was busy as hell, but not bad, really. It's just hard when I have so much here to do, but no time to do it...when I get home, all I want to do is sleep. Tomorrow should be pretty laid back...then I have Monday off. Trying to hang out with some people tomorrow evening and Monday; now that school's starting, I won't be able to hang out with Jacob much at all. It's sad, but I guess this will keep me from neglecting my friends now, lol! I should see Jeremiah this weekend, and maybe I'll see if Lance is around...I need my book back! *smacks with trout* Heather called me the other night, too, so I should hang out with her. It's so wierd not to be back at Tech this year.

Last night was fun; Jacob had all his friends meet us at Attitudes for dinner before the show. Much fun was had by all...and the burger challenge was insane. I want one of those t-shirts! But yeah...we stuck around for awhile, then headed on as the last band brought their own lighting. He and Kent have been hammering a lot of details out for the future of Tripleside. Somehow along the way I volunteered to be their manager. Not that I really know what that entails other than selling merch, which I was already planning on doing, but hey...I guess you've gotta start somewhere. :-) They're considering having me record some descant vocals for Walking Through Fire, too...not sure if for the album or just for fun, but either way that would be pretty cool. And eventually I'm going to remix Focus as soon as I get those files, lol.

Speaking of music, goddammit I wish I could find my mic. I still need to record my song...I was practicing in the car driving home today. I can hear everything. I need to get it down before I lose it.

So I'm going to bed, since I have to be up at the crack of dawn again. We need to hire a new technician already.

Song of the Day: Otto's Daughter - "All I Ever Wanted" www.ottosdaughter.com

The latest comments regarding the new Gmail, provided by Google, are concerns about "Google reading your email" to provide subject appropriate ads to your navigation bar. I don't know what the big fuss about having a computer isolating repititious words is...I'm assuming it's the same thing that Blogger used to have where the ads where based on your blog entries. *shrugs* I actually think this is kinda fun...hehe...Jacob got a Gmail account, so my new favorite pastime is sending mail containing random words to see what the ad filter picks up. I mean, after all...what are you going to do with a gig of space?

I've been working with a new singer, Lani, on providing a small website for her...so that should launch in the next day or two before she goes on tour. It's been an interesting process this time...it was all very quickly done; I haven't even heard her music yet! But she's very nice, so I'm looking forward to this. I'm almost done with OD's site...J mentioned that she and the band are planning on a national tour in October, so that's very exciting, and I definately want the site done by then - it's just so content heavy! But it'll be great. I hope that they come around here for some shows...*contemplates my future as a promoter* I guess these next few months will show my effectiveness in this industry, eh?

So last night was my last radio show. It was a lot of fun, but sad that the summer really is coming to a close. But I'm sure this semester will be great for Jacob and Drew...plus, I mean, I can still call in and scream "Manatee!"

Yesterday was a wierd day overall. Work is just...eh. The worst part is that I know it hasn't even really started to get busy yet, and I'm already hoping we hire a new staff member soon. My entire body hurts.

Also, talked to Lou for a bit for the first time in months. Nice to know I am loved! :-)

And Jacob is cute...he hid a valentine card in my laptop, between the screen and the keyboard. Lol! I hope we still get to spend time with each other now that school is starting for them again...

Song of the Day: Dead Sexy - "Obsession" www.deadsexymusic.com

So as you may have noticed, Blogger has gotten rid of the Google ads and is using this tool bar thing instead, which has effectively fucked up my template. I've got it *fixed*, but for some reason I just can't get the coding quite back to where it was. Ah, well.

Hehe...I felt technologically inclined this evening, and set my active desktop to retrieve Jacob's webcam. It doesn't count as stalker-ish as long as I'm dating him, right? It's really nifty though...to have all my icons on one side, his webcam in the middle along with winamp docked and then trillian on the other side...fun times. Everything I need is right there.

So that's about it I guess. I have to work at the crack of dawn tomorrow, so I better go to sleep. Radio show tomorrow night...the last one for me. Let's make it a good one.

I spent some time last night talking to Lee about some things. We all have these dreams. And one of these days we'll all break free and do what we've been destined to do.

In the meantime, I guess we prepare. Saving money, becoming stable, mapping out our future. It's like going on vacation. Packing sucks, but once you get on the road it becomes much more interesting.

Song of the Day: Disown - "INRI" www.disown.cc

You know, the one cool thing about days starting off badly is when they end really well. Fortunately, my car isn't in too serious trouble...gotta replace a heat shield, but no real damage...either to the car or my wallet, so that's cool. Then, when I was at the bank to day I ran into Mark, so that rocked. It was really good to see him again...I hope all of the old Salem crew can hang out some this summer.

So once I got my car back, I made a quick trip to Blacksburg. Even in a few short hours I feel so great to be around Jacob. So yeah, we cuted, then we went to dinner, then we went thrift store shopping for Jacob's Halloween costume. What's he going as? Hehe...why, Professor Snape of course. Now, Corrie, before you gag, I do want to clarify that it was indeed his original idea, and no, I'm not forcing him to live out my twisted dreams. Though, obviously, you see that I have no objections and am in complete support of his costume. I, of course, will be using my costume from last year as Snape's bitc- uh, I mean, a random Slytherin student...

After shopping there was more cuting, this time involving ice cream. And then, somehow, we ended up watching WWE. Interesting. Now, I have always scoffed at wrestling, but I do have to say I can see some of the appeal. The story line was actually suprisingly captivating, and actually some of the fight choreography was well done. Though a lot of it was obviously the 1-2-3 punch sequency we learned in basic stage combat. But still, hey...it's entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment...I may have just set a very awesome ball in motion for three of my favorite bands. That's all I'll say for now but be sure that if it comes to pass, you will know that it was because of me, lol! I like this industry...

Before I go, I'd like to close on some selected words of wisdom from today:

"You're cutiful."
- another permutation of the word 'cute', brought you by everyone's favorite Comm major

"I'm going to loop it like a bad remix!"
- me, trying to drive around traffic to El Guadaloupe

"Uh...did you turn the webcam off?"
- I'm just going to let you guys wonder on that one

So my car is in the shop. Wondering how long this is going to take, and how much it's going to cost.

I'm going to go rewire my chandelier. I don't want to be bothered.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Social Enemies" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

if I don't kid myself today
if I don't care about a thing
would I be light enough to fly?
and if I just rid myself
the weight of memories and doubts
would I be light enough to fly?
if the world was flat would you jump off?
I think I'd float down like a feather
she lights the stars in the sky
you know, angels can see them clear
through foul weather
and when the race ends
will we all fall down
safe and sound
30 days...
as she wakes up
and I'm caught staring again
she asks me
"what did you dream?"
I haven't stopped and isn't this part of it?
as we lay rivers where once were streams
and when the race ends
will we all fall down
safe and sound
if we lost our way
would we trade it now
for the way we found
the ground
and how
30 days
without the sun
30 days
just a little scared of what might become
and we're home when we're together
home when we're together
we are home when we're together
30 days...
- JCS "30 Days"

Have I mentioned that I don't like people lately? Yes, yes I have. And I'm doing it again.

What I'm looking for is not here.

Today was cute, lol.

I think I might be getting sick, which sucks. Have had a headache for two days. Meh. But today is pretty calm day at work, so that's cool. I have tomorrow off, so I probably will be back down at Tech as usual. Providing I don't start feeling even worse I guess. Meh. *goes back to bed in Jacob's t-shirt*

I also have to get this one site done. It's pretty small, and she wants it before the tour kicks off on the 21st. I'm almost done with it...really just tweaking it now. I might even be able to finish it tonight.

Not much else really going on...try to set up doing a little overhire at the community college theatre on the side. Nothing major, but some extra money here and there is always nice...

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Beautiful Disgrace" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Aside from the lack of sleepage, yesterday was great. Headed down to VT and tried out the Thai place...very good! We'll be going back there I'm sure. The show was fun, even if I was crashing out hard, lol. It's been awhile since I've been so tired...and of course, there was lots of cuteness to be had by all.

Song of the Day: Jacob Bock - "Lullaby" www.tripleside.com

I wouldn't mind early morning shifts if I could somehow fall asleep before them...I went to bed around 11:30ish and layed there and layed there...the last time I looked at the clock it was 4:48...and I had to be up at 5:15. This is going to be a long day...

But I get off work at 3, so that means I can spend some quality time with my boy! We're (hopefully) going to be getting some Thai food tonight...I've never had it, but I'm excited about trying it. We'll hopefully get some more photos taken for the band stuff, and of course, we'll be setting aside some time for cuting!

So yeah...radio show tonight...the usual stuff. This will probably be my second to last week on the show. *sad face* But in other news, I'm pursuing some possibilities of producing a compilation CD for RAM...already have some artist interest, and I believe I'd actually start making back what I put into this project. So we'll see how it goes. What do you guys think? Would you buy a CD with about 15-18 tracks for around $10? I'm hoping to get some exclusive stuff that you could only get from this CD...and at least one of the songs so far that I've had offered would be (I think, lol). So that rocks.

Allllriiiiiiiight.

Song of the Day: The Anix - "It's Not The Same (Remix)" www.the-anix.com

I mentioned this yesterday, but it kind of got overlooked for the being, but yeah...The Birthday Massacre is playing a few US east coast dates the end of September, the first announced date being with 51 Peg on the 24th in Baltimore. So..very..exciting. I hope that I get to see them a few more times too. And you know I'll be there in my full 'radioactive' effect, lol!

Jacob also told me that hopefully Tripleside will be playing at least two dates in the next few months - so exciting! He also got his new radio show spot - major, major upgrade: 3:30 - 5 PM, Tuesday afternoons. I'm so happy for him, even though it means that my days as a cohost will be ending in two weeks.

Today is also the "10 reasons why Laura is cute." day. I love mobile IM!

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Leech" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

So I feel much more, err, lighter today...I guess sometimes you just have to be "emotionally sick" to get some things out of your system...maybe I'd call it emotional poisoning? I sure feel like it sometimes.

I'm not going to apologize for who I am. Some things have happened in my life that really cut to the core of me, and it hurts. You're listening to the ramblings of a wounded animal. You may not feel the way I do, but goddammit you've got to respect what I'm going through. The way I act may not be "correct" or "logical" or even fair sometimes. But for once just think about what I just had to deal with, and understand that a broken heart doesn't speak sense sometimes.

I'm not complacent here. I am trying to change. But those changes don't happen over night. If they did, how much would any of this have really meant? I can't promise anyone that last night won't repeat itself. I'm certainly not trying to be like this, but at the same time it's not fair to me for anyone to ask that I just let this go and "be happy". Past experiences have made me who I am today. These experiences will help dictate who I am in the future. If you're going to be my friend, you've gotta take the good and the bad.

If you can't take the heat then get the fuck up out of the kitchen. I'm willing to work on this and see this through and done with. So I need to know who's not afraid to stand with me, and who needs to go. I'm not going to sacrifice myself anymore for the ones who've decided that a friendship with me just isn't comfortable enough.

I watched you sit alone
I watched you cry your eyes out
Now tell me what you've done
is it so bad that
I would shut you out
And leave you here alone
Yes, I saw what you did
I was right there with you
I won't let you sink
No, I forgive you
Phobic
Don't be
Grace needs a little more freedom
Phobic
Don't be
Love needs room to breathe
I have watched you grow
And I've stood in your shadow
I've never walked away
I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid
Yes, I know when you breathe
And I feel when you need
I won't let you sink
No, I forgive you
You can be healed
You can be free
You can know peace
Never be afraid again
Never be afraid
Never be afraid
He's here
- Plumb "Phobic"

"If I were someone else, I'd fuck my brains out everyday"

It was a really emotional night. I really try to have confidence. To have faith. To trust. And I really do have good self-esteem...and I think that's the problem. I don't think anyone has ever liked me half as much as I like me. If I had bad self-esteem, I'd probably be ok and complacent with the withered relationships that *almost* worked. Me and Lance had a really terrible conversation a little while ago, but in the end I think that was what it took for me to see some things that I already knew but didn't really want to hear. I mean, I knew logically it was all over and done, but there was still like this 5% or so of me that was still really angry at him and still wondered why it didn't work. Well, now that's dead and gone, but in a good way. And it wasn't really like a fight or anything, which is good...we're still on good terms and all of that, which I appreciate, especially knowing that getting into it with me again was the last thing he needed right now.

"Trying is what fucks everything up. Giving up doesn't work either. But trying is probably the worst thing ever designed."

I tell you, it's interesting getting advice from Lance and Dana in the same night. I have such an ecletic group of friends. It's so hard sometimes to know when to give it your best shot, and when to cut your losses and move on. When do you find the strength to get up and take it one more time, and when do you say fuck it and walk on? Or...is there something in between? Can I just exist here and now?

It's hard when I seem to see so many thing that look just like everything that happened before. But you just never really are 100% sure that this time is just like every other time, or if this is the one that breaks the cycle. I feel bad...I really like Jacob and I know I upset him tonight with some of this stuff. But it seems like no matter what conclusion I come too it's still wrong. I know if I keep on being insecure it's gonna get old to him really quick. But I know too if I bite my tongue and stay silent about my fears it'll tear us up from the inside. I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter how you die...you're still dead.

Have I moved to LA yet?

On a brighter and completely unrelated note - September 24th, The Birthday Massacre and 51 Peg in Baltimore. I am so there.

From Jacob's LJ - the "open source" survey

[generix.]
Your Name: Laura
Your Age: 21
Your Height: 5'2"
Your Hair Color: Normally medium reddish brown, but right now black with red highlights.

Your School: was Virginia Tech.
Your Field of Study: was Theatre Arts major, Religious Studies minor.

Your favorite color combination (of two): Black and Red.
Your Cellphone Provider: Verizon.
Your Favorite Media: Music.
Your Drink of Choice: anything cold at the moment.
Your Favorite Animal: Kitty!

[biographical/historical information.]

Place of birth: Newport News, VA
Date of birth: hehehe...no.
Time of birth: dunno...like around 2 in the morning I think?
Other names you could've had: Morton...if I was a boy...glad I'm a girl.

Places you've lived since birth: Newport News, VA. Roanoke, VA. Lynchburg, VA. Salem, Va. Blacksburg, VA. Logan, UT.

Schools attended: Holy Cross, E.C. Glass, Salem HS, VA Tech.

Siblings: none.
Pets and their status: had a cat named Cream Puff Hufflepuff, the Puff - aka Puffy McPuffalot; deceased. And a turtle named Fluffy; escaped.

[top fours.]
Your four candies:
1. Yor Peppermint Patties
2. Chocolate Covered Cherries
3. Plum starbursts
4. Mounds

Your four TV shows:
1. Family Guy
2. Star Trek: DS9
3. MASH
4. Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Your four bands:
1. Orgy
2. Fluffy Starr
3. Jimmie's Chicken Shack
4. Alanis

Your four afternoons:
1. Wednesday afternoon (duh Jacob - radio show? lol)
2. Friday afternoon.
3. Saturday afternoon.
4. Sunday afternoon.

[saucy stuff.]

Do you have a crush? Hehehe...
Ever had a girl or boyfriend? Yes.
Ever been kissed? Yes.
Ever made out? Yes.
Ever been on a date? Yes.
Ever gone to a bar on a Friday night? Yes.
How about a Wednesday night? Yes.
Are you a heavy drinker? No, not anymore.
How often do you eat out - at restaurants? Probably around 3 times a week.
Do you enjoy chinese food? Yes...gimme some crab rangoons.
Do you relish a good hamburger? Key word is good.
What about Thai food? Have not tried it yet
What about Italian, do you like Italian food? Yep
Do you like alfredo sauce? Yep
Have you ever dropped alfredo sauce on your pants, and then had someone make a funny comment about it? Uhhh...no.
What do you put on your spaghetti? cheese
Have you ever accidentially splattered yourself with spaghetti sauce? yeah
That's a really tough stain to get out. Have you tried wine? I feel sorry for the people that see this quiz and try that
How often do you do laundry? After being in college, you learn to own enough socks and undewear to last a month or two.
Do you prefer long pants or shorts? Long pants to hide my freakishly white skin.
Well, which are you wearing right now? Pants; I'm at work.
Has anyone ever got inside your pants? It's amazing how everyone seems to look better in my clothes than I do.
Were you wearing them at the time? Not at the above time referenced, lol. *wink*
Do you have a favorite pair of pants? Yes...my green one's, obviously.
Do you have a favorite pair of underwear? No, but I now have incentive to steal Jacob's lucky boxers.
Have you ever got them stained with sauce? Uhh...wtf?

[open source section.]
INSTRUCTIONS: Add your own question to this survey, and add it at the end of the following section. Also answer all contributed questions, clearly. You can leave your LJ username as contributor, if you wish.

daphpenguin submitted: What was the last concert you saw? Well, the last show I saw was two awesome bands that I can't remember the names of at Attituded too weeks ago...really fabulous bass player in one and the other was a cool reggea type of thing; both local. As for an actual all out concert - I guess the last one was the Orgy/Godhead/Disown concert in Cleveland. Awesome, awesome show...
zetavande submitted: If you had to pick one song to represent your life, either right now or as a whole, what would you pick? Plumb - Unforgivable

It's been an invigorating morning, which is good...I always feel so great to have to put up one of those huge screens (that used to be the bane of my existance) at the last minute in front of a group of awed people, lol! I rock! Lot's of other things going on, and I'm finding I actually enjoy being busy again here. Even though it feels like I've been here longer than just 2 and a half hours. I'd also like to say that though sometime it sucks being a female in this business because I often don't get a lot of credit - but other times it works to your advantage. (See post from a few months ago about the security guard at the Orgy show in TN.) Heh.

So yeah...taking a quick morning snack break while things are quiet. It's still too early in the morning for any text messaging highlights from Corrie or Jacob, lol. Speaking of Jacob, lol...what a great guy. I don't know what it is, but something about these last few days just really hit home about how much I like him and how well we get along. We're really freaking ridiculously cute, ALL the time - there's never a point when we're together that we're not completely silly and happy. It's fun. Yesterday we talked a bit about what the band will probably be doing this school year, and since I'm the girlfriend-of-the-lead-singer, I'll be doing merch for them, lol, obviously. I dunno...something about chillin' in the bars at Tech, wearing a Tripleside t-shirt, and listening to my boy sing just seems so right for me now. Hehe! I feel all warm and fuzzy.

Did I mention I hate having to get up early? I don't know what the deal was last night, but I got hardly any sleep. Maybe because I went to bed mad because our DSL was down. *sigh*

Had such a great day yesterday. Hung out with Jacob for awhile, helping him reorganize his CD's (for full details on genre catagorization and sticker color coding, see his LJ). It was a fun, lazy day, also involving chicken alfredo pizza and Sub Station sandwiches (not at the same time). Then a good portion of the afternoon was spent cuting (because we have now decided that 'cute' is a verb. "Hey, you're cuting!") Corrie, are you gagging yet? LMAO.

Anyways, that's all I can remember to write this early in the morning, so I'm going to work. Because it's that time.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - (the entire CD) www.fluffystarr.com

I work with a computer that crashes when I'm not doing anything with it...I'm not even near it...and it's not like it's a Mac or anything, either, so I don't know what's up with it. *grumbles* Computer at work, I take care of you...I defrag you, I run a virus scan, I even do the adaware stuff...and you still crash on me. Why, oh why?

Anyways. It's times like these when I have serious thoughts about trying that birth control that limits your periods to four times a year. I feel like I have a herd of elephants stampeding my ovaries.

Just saw that Plumb has a message board on her website. I remember way back in middle school when I first got her self-titled album...it's ironic that she was the one that originally got me into the harder synth rock stuff that I listen to now. I've also been hanging out at Kristyn Strange's new site and message board. She was recently added to RAM, and I really like her new song, "817". I'm looking forward to hearing new stuff from here. Her vocals remind me a bit of Fluffy, but she's less synth and more rock. Speaking of Fluffy - new album in 2005! Alllllriiiiiiiight!

About 2 more hours to go...

So tired...

Fairly uneventful day so far...we'll see how it goes in the next hour, though...had to do a pretty interesting sound set at the last minute on my own, so I hope I remembered to do everything right. I hate that feeling of not being sure.

It seems that I'm unsure about everything these days...

I was supposed to spend Monday with Jeremiah, but my work schedule changed and now I have tomorrow off and have to work Monday...meh.

"Patience; now.
Happiness; how?"

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Happiness" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

Last night Lance called and we talked for awhile, mostly about random stuff, including him relocating to LA in a few weeks. After I got off the phone with him I finally realized what's been bugging me subconciously for weeks now.

I've stagnated.

I have a good job, good friends, and the cutest boyfriend ever...but I'm not doing what I should be doing. I have so many dreams and ideas and I'm not pursuing any of them actively. I should be thankful to be saving up money, but if I don't fly on my own soon I'm going to go crazy. Or worse...lose the ambition.

So, with that...the time is now. I'm working out the details in my mind and with the people that it concerns. As soon as I have this vision confirmed to reality, I'll let you guys know.

Other than that, had a great day. Woke up late, went down to Tech (Worst driving experience EVER. So bad I won't go into it...see below post about bad drivers.) and hung out with Jacob for a few hours just chilling out. He had his usual show this evening so I came on home (so as to not be the cause of him leaving early yet again, lmao). And here I am.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Can't Take This" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

me: where's your sense of adventure?
Jacob: you are my sense of adventure :-)

Since I had been working at the radio station, I had heard about the infamous group of "indier-than-thou" fanatics, but I hadn't really had any contact with any of them. Until last night. Jacob threw on a brand new Alanis song, and I get a call from a guy (wouldn't give me his name - that's real big for ya) bitching about it. "What's the point?" he asks, obviously refering to this being an indie station. Well, I might ask...what's the point of supporting music so long as no one knows them? If your favorite indie band makes it, are you just going to turn your back on them now that they're actually making a living doing what they love? Granted, not all indie artists are trying to become super rock stars or anything, but a lot of them are...so should we turn our back on them when they own the system? Wasn't it just supposed to be about the music in the first place? Ok, that's my rant for the day.

So who listened last night? I've decided I have the most super-cute boyfriend ever. No only did he write a song for me, but he played it. And he didn't just play it, he played it live on the radio. Not only did he play it live on the radio, but he had one of his friends record it, too. Yeah...wow...*sigh* I hope I can get a copy of that soon. There's been several times where I've thought how sweet it must be to have a guy write a song for you. And as me and Jacob starting dating I thought the possibility might be there. But never in my dreams did I find anything half as beautiful as what he sang last night...

So, off to work I go...wish I was still at Tech.

"It's a simple thing that keeps me here tonight.
A four letter truth.
It's a simple thing that keeps me here with you.
I've fallen for you.
You keep me running, running awake.
You keep me running, running awake.
I'm running to you.
One fine July morning, I saw you sleeping there;
I played with your hair.
Tracing your cheek, the light came in through the blinds.
You opened your eyes
You opened my life...
You keep me running, running awake.
You keep me running, running awake.
I'm running to you.
Can you show me
why I used to dream?
You keep me running, running awake. I'm running to you,
You keep me running, dreaming, searching, running awake.
You show me how to be awake, no I'm running to you,
Dreaming, searching, running, falling awake.
I'm running to you.
I love you,
love you, you."
- Jacob Bock, "Running Awake"

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Unshaken" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

So the day is going by very fast for some reason; there's not much to do today, yet it's already close to 1...just four more hours and I'm on my way back to Blacksburg for everyone's favorite radio show. I can't wait until tonight!

And it looks like this fall is going to be a good season for music...several of my favorite bands have recently announced that new albums are on the way...Dead Inside The Chrysalis on August 13th, Club Decease on August 31st, Disown in September, and Vanity Beach on October 19th. Who else? Well, we've heard that a lot more bands are in the studio...Booboo's Punch, Deadstar Assembly, Fluffy Starr, Lunarclick*, Otto's Daughter...so hopefully winter is going to bring just as many goodies as the fall is!

Song of the Day: Dead Sexy - "Love" www.deadsexymusic.com

I love how when I show up at Jacob's apartment, he's standing in the doorframe waiting for me. It's so cute!!! We had a great time today...The Princess Bride was on AMC (what a great cuddling movie), then he and his roomie made a really good chicken dinner. Afterwards we headed over to the drillfield to do some band photoshoots, but unfortunately my batteries died rather quickly. But all was not lost as we headed over to War Memorial, and we sat in the twilight as he played for me. *happy sigh*

The best part is yet to come. Everyone should definately listen to the radio show tomorrow night, since he's going to be playing a new song live. Yeah, a new song...about me. Eep!

Very, very contented evening...

Song of the Day: Tripleside - "Running Awake" www.tripleside.net

I guess the day wasn't quite over yet... :-D

Those of you who know me well know that I have an aversion to significant dates in the calendar year - my birthday, Valentine's day, etc. Why? Because of all of the unanswered expectations those days bring. If a friend asks me when my birthday is, and I tell him or her, then at least on a subconcious level I'm going to expect him or her to remember. Or, if I happen to be dating someone on Valentine's Day, I'm going to expect something special.

My life is a series of unanswered expectations. Last Valentine's day, I never heard from my boyfriend; he forgot my birthday, too. The Valentine's day the year before, my boyfriend took out another girl in my place. Back in high school I got dumped on my 17th birthday. Etc. So when I say I never tell when my birthday is, there's a reason. And when I'm so completely unconcerned with holidays, there's a reason too. I do my best to avoid the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy I get for being forgotten.

So on July 2nd, I had my first "maybe quasi date" with Jacob...







It's been a good month...

So what happened to the passion?

It occurred to me over the last few days how most of the encounters I've had with people have virtually been meaningless. I know that this is a common complaint I post here, but really...the more I go through life the more I see people that have lost the capacity or the willingness to feel.

I know a lot of it is learned. We live in a society where we're told it's not socially acceptable to be emotionally vulnerable or expressive. I think that's why I got pulled into theatre to begin with. I think the best chance is here to find people who aren't afraid to be communicative.

I know a lot of it is self-preservation. Have I learned that lesson well. Mental pain is just like physical pain...after awhile your body stops acknowledging it. In the same way that I rarely feel the pain of my skin dissolving, people lack the ability to love in order to prevent a broken heart.

What really matters to you? Really...what always makes you joyful, or angry, or sad...the one memory you could pull out, or the one face you could see that will take you to the same level or emotion every time? What's the one dream that you'll chase no matter what the cost? Or the one failed relationship that will continue to haunt you for the rest of your days?

Or do we not have any of these things? And do we feel the loss? Or is even that loss too much to comprehend?

So yeah, VT is still my homepage, so when I wake up this morning I see this under the news section:

Smelly "corpse plant," to bloom Aug. 4

Um...go Hokies?

Zeta Vande: I want my book back, lmao
mindbinge: stingy book grubbing evil tea drinker!
Zeta Vande: rotflmao
Zeta Vande: that's gonna be the new title of my blog
mindbinge: :)
Zeta Vande: hehe...made you smile
mindbinge: and u got a blog title out of the deal...lol

Zeta Vande: I wrote in it waaaaaaay too much today
Zeta Vande: it was a giant bullshit fest
Zeta Vande: ok, now that is the new title for my blog

While the title of my blog is not going to change to "Stingy Book Grubbing Evil Tea Drinker" or "Giant Bullshit Fest", last night was a very amusing night regardless...

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Dead Sleep" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

It's the one thing we've always known
But always chose to ignore
That all good things...
Why do we press on?
Why do we climb this mountain
When we know that the only way to get off is to jump?

I can tell this is just going to be a rant day:

Rant #2: Bad drivers
So this is the second time in about 3 months that I've been driving and had someone coming at me in my lane. If you can't stay on your side of the yellow line, get off the road. I really think that, as annoyingly inconvenient as it would be (especially given the horrible state of the DMV currently), this place would be a lot safer if people had to be re-tested to continue driving. Because, really, in all seriousness, there has to be a point where someone says that people are too incompetent to drive. I'm not trying to be mean - but one day we're all going to be too old, or too braindead to be safe.
And you know me, being libertarian and all, that I'm not about limiting rights. Except when your choices infringe on the rights of others. Like my right to drive on my side of the road.

Comment, what? So yeah, I noticed that HaloScan won't keep comments forever...and I thought that sucked...along with the fact that you couldn't customize it to match the template...so yes, I'm using Blogger's new commenting system, so all the old ones are gone. Look at it this way: they weren't going to last forever anyway, so better sooner than later.

Also added a few people back into the community section. One who disappeared from Xanga for awhile (but we're glad she's back!) and another who, well, you know...what's this blog without my trout buddy?

Today officially has been a bad health day for my hands. First thing this morning I crushed one of my fingers in the base of a cradle screen. Then I caught my thumb in the metal slide pole putting the screen up. Then just now I smashed the other thumb in the cabinet doors. 3 down, 7 to go.

It's not even 11 and I feel like I've been awake for hours...oh yeah. I have been awake for hours.

So taking a lunch break and updating the blog; the internet is rather boring when no one else is online; damn you people and your sleeping in late like I should be!

So I think I'm beginning to feel like Corrie in that I look back over my latest entries and I'm thinking, "Who cares what I did today?" Now, some of you might care, and I know I do, but I think I need to start putting in some more content. So, fair warning, this is going to turn into the music / movie / political / philosophical / religious / bullshit blog. So...what should I bullshit about today?

Ok, I have a rant. Some people need to learn the difference between "renting" and "buying". Buying implies complete ownership, while renting is more of a borrowing for a period of time. So when you are a client and go to a business to "rent" a space or some equipment, the general expectation is to return that space or equipment in it's original condition. If you buy something, then by all means, do as you please.

I just walked into a few rooms here this morning that were trashed. COMPLETELY trashed. Now, I've seen messes...and anyone that ever walked into my apartment within the last 6 months knows what I'm willing to put up with. But I go to take out a few carts of equipment, and see that the clients' children had taken markers and drawn all over the table cloths in three rooms. Not just a little bit of accidental bleedthrough here - all out kiddie art. Like a dragon. Or maybe it was a butterfly. But yeah. Completely destroyed I'm sure.

Fortunately, our department's equipment was fine. But I'm sure there had to be adult supervision at some point in the night in there...I can't believe that people could in good conscious let that happen. Most of our guests are awesome, but we get some that walk in and think they're owed the world - then proceed to take it.

Mornings suck, especially at 4:45am. But they don't suck as much when your boyfriend programs his instant messaging program to send you a message when you first log-in.

Ok, everyone together now: Awwwwww.....

*dying with cuteness*

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Perfect" www.fluffystarr.com