"If I were someone else, I'd fuck my brains out everyday"
It was a really emotional night. I really try to have confidence. To have faith. To trust. And I really do have good self-esteem...and I think that's the problem. I don't think anyone has ever liked me half as much as I like me. If I had bad self-esteem, I'd probably be ok and complacent with the withered relationships that *almost* worked. Me and Lance had a really terrible conversation a little while ago, but in the end I think that was what it took for me to see some things that I already knew but didn't really want to hear. I mean, I knew logically it was all over and done, but there was still like this 5% or so of me that was still really angry at him and still wondered why it didn't work. Well, now that's dead and gone, but in a good way. And it wasn't really like a fight or anything, which is good...we're still on good terms and all of that, which I appreciate, especially knowing that getting into it with me again was the last thing he needed right now.
"Trying is what fucks everything up. Giving up doesn't work either. But trying is probably the worst thing ever designed."
I tell you, it's interesting getting advice from Lance and Dana in the same night. I have such an ecletic group of friends. It's so hard sometimes to know when to give it your best shot, and when to cut your losses and move on. When do you find the strength to get up and take it one more time, and when do you say fuck it and walk on? Or...is there something in between? Can I just exist here and now?
It's hard when I seem to see so many thing that look just like everything that happened before. But you just never really are 100% sure that this time is just like every other time, or if this is the one that breaks the cycle. I feel bad...I really like Jacob and I know I upset him tonight with some of this stuff. But it seems like no matter what conclusion I come too it's still wrong. I know if I keep on being insecure it's gonna get old to him really quick. But I know too if I bite my tongue and stay silent about my fears it'll tear us up from the inside. I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter how you die...you're still dead.
Have I moved to LA yet?
On a brighter and completely unrelated note - September 24th, The Birthday Massacre and 51 Peg in Baltimore. I am so there.
It was a really emotional night. I really try to have confidence. To have faith. To trust. And I really do have good self-esteem...and I think that's the problem. I don't think anyone has ever liked me half as much as I like me. If I had bad self-esteem, I'd probably be ok and complacent with the withered relationships that *almost* worked. Me and Lance had a really terrible conversation a little while ago, but in the end I think that was what it took for me to see some things that I already knew but didn't really want to hear. I mean, I knew logically it was all over and done, but there was still like this 5% or so of me that was still really angry at him and still wondered why it didn't work. Well, now that's dead and gone, but in a good way. And it wasn't really like a fight or anything, which is good...we're still on good terms and all of that, which I appreciate, especially knowing that getting into it with me again was the last thing he needed right now.
"Trying is what fucks everything up. Giving up doesn't work either. But trying is probably the worst thing ever designed."
I tell you, it's interesting getting advice from Lance and Dana in the same night. I have such an ecletic group of friends. It's so hard sometimes to know when to give it your best shot, and when to cut your losses and move on. When do you find the strength to get up and take it one more time, and when do you say fuck it and walk on? Or...is there something in between? Can I just exist here and now?
It's hard when I seem to see so many thing that look just like everything that happened before. But you just never really are 100% sure that this time is just like every other time, or if this is the one that breaks the cycle. I feel bad...I really like Jacob and I know I upset him tonight with some of this stuff. But it seems like no matter what conclusion I come too it's still wrong. I know if I keep on being insecure it's gonna get old to him really quick. But I know too if I bite my tongue and stay silent about my fears it'll tear us up from the inside. I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter how you die...you're still dead.
Have I moved to LA yet?
On a brighter and completely unrelated note - September 24th, The Birthday Massacre and 51 Peg in Baltimore. I am so there.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home