[iRock]
Apparently my label is more "legit" now for two reasons: 1) My latest two releases (dharmata 101 - "Protest Songs for the Content" and xUBERx - "Rogue State") will be available on iTunes within a month; and, 2) xUBERx's tracks are apparently on P2P filesharing...if people care enough to steal it, then we must be cool.
Otherwise, just plodding along I suppose. Nothing really great or really horrible happening; work is ok, personal life is ok...just getting on with it. Me and JSun have been doing alright I suppose - he decided over the weekend that he did love me after all, but the damage has already been done. I still hope we can get beyond this...but the doubt that's in the back of my mind hasn't been turned off by any means...I'm just trying not to focus on it too much so that we can move on. On the flip side, there are some obvious signs that he wants to be with me for the long haul - like the house hunting (we're looking for a castle-esque rowhouse in NW), or how he pointed to a bouncy kid in Ikea and said "That's what we have to look forward to." Not that I'm looking at having kids anytime soon...but I know (and I guess I have always at least trusted him on this) that the potential for something lasting is indeed here, even if we haven't made any real commitment yet. My mom seems to be under the impression that we'll be engaged by Christmas; I know it's gonna be a lot longer for that, but that's perfectly fine with me...I'm in no rush, and if that is indeed what's in our future, I wanna know we're both positive.
Speaking of relationships, I'm a little bit hurt by something I noticed today. Every once in awhile I pop on Facebook and do a little "poking" to some friends, since (I admit with regret) I'm kind of a lousy friend lately since I'm so consumed by work, and it's like my way of letting people know I still think about them even though my social life is shot. Anyways, I had noticed a couple of months ago that when I had written something on Jacob's wall that it got deleted. I was kind bewildered by it at the time, and just let it go. Tonight I thought about just SuperPoking him or something, and when I went to do it I noticed he was no longer on my friends list. I cross-referenced myspace and noticed I'm off both his personal and band lists, too. (Wow, I just realized how incredibly emo-teenybopper-iCrap this paragraph is reading, but really...in my defense, I decided to cut to the chase and email him asking what's up.) My only instinct is that maybe his current SI may not like him talking to ex's (not something I agree with, but hey, everyone's not me) and maybe that's why he deleted a comment. But to de-friend me completely? When we haven't even talked in probably a year? Really?
I guess it just makes me think about a conversation I had with someone else the other week about the meaningfulness of previous relationships. I've never been one to just cut away a previous relationship, pretending that that chunk of my life never happened. And frankly, I don't see how anyone can, either. I mean, sure, if a relationship ends badly I do tend to walk away for a bit - but I always come back (just as I always intend). But how can anyone just turn around and pretend that love never existed at all? I'll always care for anyone I've ever loved in this life - it doesn't mean it's an active, pursuing love...I still love some of my ex's in a platonic way, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna get back together with them, or that my current boyfriend should be concerned about my feelings or the possiblity of a rekindling. That's not me, that's not how I work. But on the flip side, it scares me to hear how people have spent years of their lives with someone else...and then can just walk away and ignore everything that happened, and say that they don't love that person anymore.
It makes me wonder if they ever felt love to begin with.
Which still makes me wonder if what I feel is just somehow overall greater than what most people exude in this world. I can't imagine a day when I'd ever say I don't still love people like Lance or Jacob in some quiet and content sort of way. I'm at peace...I wish you were, too.
It's like I'm in color but you're in shades of gray
I try to fill you in with my love, but you push the brush away.
Otherwise, just plodding along I suppose. Nothing really great or really horrible happening; work is ok, personal life is ok...just getting on with it. Me and JSun have been doing alright I suppose - he decided over the weekend that he did love me after all, but the damage has already been done. I still hope we can get beyond this...but the doubt that's in the back of my mind hasn't been turned off by any means...I'm just trying not to focus on it too much so that we can move on. On the flip side, there are some obvious signs that he wants to be with me for the long haul - like the house hunting (we're looking for a castle-esque rowhouse in NW), or how he pointed to a bouncy kid in Ikea and said "That's what we have to look forward to." Not that I'm looking at having kids anytime soon...but I know (and I guess I have always at least trusted him on this) that the potential for something lasting is indeed here, even if we haven't made any real commitment yet. My mom seems to be under the impression that we'll be engaged by Christmas; I know it's gonna be a lot longer for that, but that's perfectly fine with me...I'm in no rush, and if that is indeed what's in our future, I wanna know we're both positive.
Speaking of relationships, I'm a little bit hurt by something I noticed today. Every once in awhile I pop on Facebook and do a little "poking" to some friends, since (I admit with regret) I'm kind of a lousy friend lately since I'm so consumed by work, and it's like my way of letting people know I still think about them even though my social life is shot. Anyways, I had noticed a couple of months ago that when I had written something on Jacob's wall that it got deleted. I was kind bewildered by it at the time, and just let it go. Tonight I thought about just SuperPoking him or something, and when I went to do it I noticed he was no longer on my friends list. I cross-referenced myspace and noticed I'm off both his personal and band lists, too. (Wow, I just realized how incredibly emo-teenybopper-iCrap this paragraph is reading, but really...in my defense, I decided to cut to the chase and email him asking what's up.) My only instinct is that maybe his current SI may not like him talking to ex's (not something I agree with, but hey, everyone's not me) and maybe that's why he deleted a comment. But to de-friend me completely? When we haven't even talked in probably a year? Really?
I guess it just makes me think about a conversation I had with someone else the other week about the meaningfulness of previous relationships. I've never been one to just cut away a previous relationship, pretending that that chunk of my life never happened. And frankly, I don't see how anyone can, either. I mean, sure, if a relationship ends badly I do tend to walk away for a bit - but I always come back (just as I always intend). But how can anyone just turn around and pretend that love never existed at all? I'll always care for anyone I've ever loved in this life - it doesn't mean it's an active, pursuing love...I still love some of my ex's in a platonic way, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna get back together with them, or that my current boyfriend should be concerned about my feelings or the possiblity of a rekindling. That's not me, that's not how I work. But on the flip side, it scares me to hear how people have spent years of their lives with someone else...and then can just walk away and ignore everything that happened, and say that they don't love that person anymore.
It makes me wonder if they ever felt love to begin with.
Which still makes me wonder if what I feel is just somehow overall greater than what most people exude in this world. I can't imagine a day when I'd ever say I don't still love people like Lance or Jacob in some quiet and content sort of way. I'm at peace...I wish you were, too.
It's like I'm in color but you're in shades of gray
I try to fill you in with my love, but you push the brush away.
1 Comments:
I've been in the same situation. One of my exes disconnected from me online (defriending, etc.) shortly after an amicable breakup.
On top of that, she started ignoring me in public too - if we passed each other in a club she wouldn't even look my way.
I was a little hurt at first but later came to find it pretty amusing. She was intending to demonstrate she didn't care for me anymore but her denial actually ended up showing just how strong her feelings were.
I don't harbour any ill will towards her and if she decides she wants to be friends again that'll be fine with me.
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