[rusted]

I think that one ofthe reasons I rarely make myself emotionally accessible is because everytime I do, it seems like it goes unappreciated...

Now I feel so useless, so pointless.

How is it that lately, it seems like everytime I display affection, it turns out to be the last thing anyone ever wanted.

Can I make this go away?

[a test in human nature]

So this weekend has been insane. On Thursday night, I get a call informing me that the guest DJ for this week is stranded at the airport and needs to be picked up. To make a long story short, somehow me and JSun ended up taking care of this DJ and his girl all week. Don't get me wrong, these guys are totally awesome, but it was just kinda frustrating to a) see so many people flake out on their responsibilities, and b) see DC so badly represented. Overall I think things are fine with them, but it's been kinda crazy trying to juggle this along with 'real life' AND being out of town for half of it.

Other fun things to note:

+ I dropped another thousand on my car, but it was scheduled maintainence. My car now runs like it's new.

+ My DJ gig in VA Beach was awesome. It was great getting out of town and hanging with those HITL guys again. They're such good people.

+ My parents were in a car accident, but they seem to be ok.

+ As mentioned on LJ, I had a kind of last minute "meet the boyfriend's parents" on Saturday, but I'm told that apparently I did well. Still rather scary after such a short time period.

+ On the flip side, JSun has been nothing but great this weekend. With the DJ debacle, he totally stepped up and helped them out all weekend, from driving them to the club to showing them around DC while I was out of town. I would have been soooo much more stressed if he hadn't stepped in and helped out in a situation that wasn't in any way his responsibility.
In addition, he called me today with news that he's getting an unexpected [huge] bonus this week, along with his plans at attempting to spoil me. It was cute, though I'm so not used to that anymore (not since college, anyhow). He mentioned some typical stuff like going on a vacation at first, but then he threw out the idea of helping to finance Nuclearfest in a small way. And I'm thinking...this guy gets me. He understands what's important to me and what makes me happy. And that's just awesome.

A little less than three more hours at work, and then off to the Blue Iguana!

[let it all go, let it all go]

...so going back to a previous entry, what IS it about our society that has raised us to have such self-loathing, such low self-esteem?

And what do you do about it? What do you do when love and permanence aren't good enough reasons to have faith? Or worse...when you're told that your concern is actually somehow just adding to the problem.

"I really care about you."
"Well, then, there must be something wrong with you."

The longer I live this life, the more helpless I feel I am around the people that need understanding and compassion the most.

This was my LJ entry from this morning. *sigh* Trying to find resolution is hard...especially when, like in the beginning, you're the only one making the effort.

Of course, this was probably premature. I'm acting on behalf of someone else, not on what I feel.

This isn't over...

At least I can find comfort that, no matter what else is going on here, I find myself growing a little closer to God every day.

Song of the Day: Psyclon Nine - "Rusted" www.psyclonnine.com

[taken]

So other than that last post of last-minute freak-out-ness, things have taken an unexpected upward turn in direction. So for those of you who don't keep up with my LJ or myspace...

I'm dating this man:


He's the singer of dharmata 101, a local synth-industrial act I've been working with over the last year or so. In "real life" he's in the Air Force, and he's been both very affectionate and a lot of fun to be around so far. As much as I try my damndest to not date anyone in "the scene"...well, when have I ever been businessly appropriate? :-)

Song of the Day: Dharmata 101 - "A Flame [in the Vapour]" www.myspace.com/dharmata101

[disregard]

I mean, I know better, right? Someone remind me that I'm unlovable next time I get all optimistic and think about trying again.

"Yes"

It's like, suddenly, all of those great novels I wrote about love, human nature, and my perception of life just manifested themselves.

I know this sounds so wierd coming from someone who is usually pretty cautious and pessimestic, but something is just...peaceful...this time.

It's like, maybe the other week when I was crying myself to sleep, talking to God and telling him how lonely I still was...well, I always knew he heard me before, but maybe this time around his answer is no longer "no" or "wait".

[saviour sophia]

"There are angels that walk among us. Their heads ascending just above the rest of the cultural mass-mind. Sometimes I can see them. It's like there's a big game of chess being played on the earth and all of the pieces are here...waiting to be played." - Nero, on LJ today.

[So how does the angel convey the message they were sent to give? I know what I have to do, but I feel lost...waiting...]

You've been influenced by evil for far too long. But you should know that God is working even harder to bring you back home.

And how is it that I seem to find myself looking for the better man within yet one more time?

"I want to be the white knight."

That's gonna get me into trouble.

Do not injustice to another / defend the weak and innocent / let truth and honor always guide you / let courage be the light within / stand up when no one else is willing / act not in hatred or in spite / be to this world as a perfect knight / even if it means your life