[to close your eyes]
This blog is fast becoming the place I write only when I'm not looking to blatantly spill my guts to the entire world. If people really want to know this much about me, they at least have to care enough to come looking.
Anyways...after the last few weeks I think it's likely that me and JSun won't be together much longer. As stated on LJ, we've had a helluva few weeks, dealing with - to sum it up succintly - his addictions. I'd been dealing with the alcohol for months now, but then this week I was told cigarette smoke might be contributing to my skin problems. If so, he'd have to quit. And he's still undecided if quitting is worth staying with me.
He stopped telling me he loved me, which I guess is good, since we both know that's not the case. On the flip side, I had really started getting my hopes up, and I miss hearing him say it.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself...but this time it had felt so right. I keep going back and reading earlier entries where I've stated time and time again that everything I've been through in this life has pointed me in a direction that I go alone.
God, why am I still burdened with a heart that loves so much when I know damn good and well that I'll never have this happiness?
So what do I do? Part of me wants to walk away now, but even though I know he doesn't really want to be with me anymore, he's also dealing with a lot of stress from elsewhere right now too. I don't think I can leave him alone while he's afraid of losing his job, or worrying about his music. He's told me he's depressed and self-destructive, and that he feels like he has no friends. I can't cut the only life-line he feels he has, even if that life-line is just a replacement for the one he really wants.
So I do what I always do. I'll give to him until he pushes me away himself. I give up on me...I don't matter anymore.
Anyways...after the last few weeks I think it's likely that me and JSun won't be together much longer. As stated on LJ, we've had a helluva few weeks, dealing with - to sum it up succintly - his addictions. I'd been dealing with the alcohol for months now, but then this week I was told cigarette smoke might be contributing to my skin problems. If so, he'd have to quit. And he's still undecided if quitting is worth staying with me.
He stopped telling me he loved me, which I guess is good, since we both know that's not the case. On the flip side, I had really started getting my hopes up, and I miss hearing him say it.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself...but this time it had felt so right. I keep going back and reading earlier entries where I've stated time and time again that everything I've been through in this life has pointed me in a direction that I go alone.
God, why am I still burdened with a heart that loves so much when I know damn good and well that I'll never have this happiness?
So what do I do? Part of me wants to walk away now, but even though I know he doesn't really want to be with me anymore, he's also dealing with a lot of stress from elsewhere right now too. I don't think I can leave him alone while he's afraid of losing his job, or worrying about his music. He's told me he's depressed and self-destructive, and that he feels like he has no friends. I can't cut the only life-line he feels he has, even if that life-line is just a replacement for the one he really wants.
So I do what I always do. I'll give to him until he pushes me away himself. I give up on me...I don't matter anymore.
