[to close your eyes]
This blog is fast becoming the place I write only when I'm not looking to blatantly spill my guts to the entire world. If people really want to know this much about me, they at least have to care enough to come looking.
Anyways...after the last few weeks I think it's likely that me and JSun won't be together much longer. As stated on LJ, we've had a helluva few weeks, dealing with - to sum it up succintly - his addictions. I'd been dealing with the alcohol for months now, but then this week I was told cigarette smoke might be contributing to my skin problems. If so, he'd have to quit. And he's still undecided if quitting is worth staying with me.
He stopped telling me he loved me, which I guess is good, since we both know that's not the case. On the flip side, I had really started getting my hopes up, and I miss hearing him say it.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself...but this time it had felt so right. I keep going back and reading earlier entries where I've stated time and time again that everything I've been through in this life has pointed me in a direction that I go alone.
God, why am I still burdened with a heart that loves so much when I know damn good and well that I'll never have this happiness?
So what do I do? Part of me wants to walk away now, but even though I know he doesn't really want to be with me anymore, he's also dealing with a lot of stress from elsewhere right now too. I don't think I can leave him alone while he's afraid of losing his job, or worrying about his music. He's told me he's depressed and self-destructive, and that he feels like he has no friends. I can't cut the only life-line he feels he has, even if that life-line is just a replacement for the one he really wants.
So I do what I always do. I'll give to him until he pushes me away himself. I give up on me...I don't matter anymore.
Anyways...after the last few weeks I think it's likely that me and JSun won't be together much longer. As stated on LJ, we've had a helluva few weeks, dealing with - to sum it up succintly - his addictions. I'd been dealing with the alcohol for months now, but then this week I was told cigarette smoke might be contributing to my skin problems. If so, he'd have to quit. And he's still undecided if quitting is worth staying with me.
He stopped telling me he loved me, which I guess is good, since we both know that's not the case. On the flip side, I had really started getting my hopes up, and I miss hearing him say it.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself...but this time it had felt so right. I keep going back and reading earlier entries where I've stated time and time again that everything I've been through in this life has pointed me in a direction that I go alone.
God, why am I still burdened with a heart that loves so much when I know damn good and well that I'll never have this happiness?
So what do I do? Part of me wants to walk away now, but even though I know he doesn't really want to be with me anymore, he's also dealing with a lot of stress from elsewhere right now too. I don't think I can leave him alone while he's afraid of losing his job, or worrying about his music. He's told me he's depressed and self-destructive, and that he feels like he has no friends. I can't cut the only life-line he feels he has, even if that life-line is just a replacement for the one he really wants.
So I do what I always do. I'll give to him until he pushes me away himself. I give up on me...I don't matter anymore.
1 Comments:
You know your only making it worse. First off it is his own doing that make him feel like he is alone. Second, the reason you have went back home was to retake stock of you life, get better, and see where you wish to go for here, you have to look after you, and you can't do that while looking after JSun. You can't give and not get something back in return, it just drains you.
While we understand how hard it is to give up smoking, staying around some who smokes, who will not give it up, even if it means that it is killing you, doesn't seam to be a healthy place to be, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
In life their is truly only one person you can depend on and need to look after and that is yourself.
And it was right for a time, but that time is over, you gave him a chance to change for the better, which he has not done, you can not help him any more then you have done. He can't have it both ways, if he truly wishes your help, then he needs to change for the better to stay with you.
I know it is hard, and how much you care for other people and wish to help them. But, your letting that destroy you. You have to look to yourself, heal, and once more come to be at peace with yourself.
-Count Fluffy
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