So, I know a lot of you wanna know exactly what's happened, so I'll try to explain this the best I can.
All along in Human Rites rehearsal we've been encourage to be honest with each other. I was honest Thursday night about my concerns, and I ended up isolated on one side of the room and faced with an amount of ridicule and hatred that I have not seen in a long time. I was not in rehearsal Thursday night, but rather I was back in 8th grade at Holy Cross in 1st period science class with the rest of the students laughing at me, and my teachers standing by...one perpetuating it, and the other letting it happen. Six years and sixty miles away from that day, it's saddening to see how little has changed. Yeah, I'm damaged, and I think you all can understand why I cannot walk back into that room and make myself vulnerable to you again.
In regards to my original concern about our subject matter, I think the overall problem is that I couldn't even effectively communicate what was bothering me to begin with. I honestly believe that all of you have innocent motives in this matter and don't wish to hurt others, and I think that if you could have understood what I've begun to learn about people in the past two years, that you would have accepted my feelings about this, even if you didn't agree. The problem is, if I continued with this show in the current circumstances, you'd either be forcing me into a lie, or I'd be forcing you into one, and either way we'd all suffer. I'm not saying that I have the absolute right or anything, but I do know that in this case, we all believe what we believe to be true, but they're not the same things, and that would read on stage. Our goal was to present 'the question' without any sway. But when I was there, we couldn't agree on how to present that question to begin with in that matter...so if anything, I ask all of you to take this with you: Whenever you make a choice in this show, really consider whether it is innocent or not. One of the comments that night was if we continued the way I was thinking, we would get so broad that 'human' could define nothing. I couldn't agree more, and that made me realize that I shouldn't be doing a show with this subject matter, and I am truly sorry I didn't realize that sooner. I wish all of you the best of success, and I promise that I will not show up in the production in another other capacity to influence the direction of the show.
In regards to the comment about offending people, in general I don't have any problem offending people. I don't have a problem taking a social, religious, or politcal stance. In 'The Laramie Project', I hope that homophobics like Fred Phelps, Jr. were offended. In 'The Vagina Monologues', I hope that men who beat their wives were offended. But more importantly, I hope that those people were really made to consider their actions and mindset. I do not think it's acceptable to offend people just because of our own ignorance. Especially in this show, where we are talking about human equality and respect as one of our interests.
As for the comment about "it's just a show", well, for all of the better ways I can say it, I'll just stick with: Fuck You. I know, I know, it's your goddamn right to choose to do theatre for soley entertainment purposes, and that's between you and your morals - but I think it's sickening to take a show like this, and to look at it at it's best as a mainstage with a 3 week run. To each their own, but I look at theatre as something I do because I had to do it...not because I want a life of richness and fame.
In any case, it is true that I have resigned from all of my shows this semester. I'm very sorry to all of you that I left like this, especially to Bob and Susanna. But more importantly, in the words of Alanis, I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry that I've been living my life like everything is fine when it's not. When I first found out a year ago how sick I was, I decided that I wasn't gonna let it stop me; that I wasn't going to roll over in bed and wait to die. But instead, I did the complete opposite and I ignored my limitations, both physically and mentaly, and pushed myself constantly to somehow prove myself. I look back over this past year and I wonder what did that accomplished? I have lists of awards, shows, good grades, and other accomplishments...and no good memories. Every good show had the price of sleepless nights. I have all this resume, but at what cost? I woke up Friday morning and realized that theatre is no longer worth it. I shouldn't be sitting here in pain planning on waiting another 5 days to take some medication so that I can optimize my health for the Jacques Brel run. My priorities have gotten really screwed up along the way, and I'm taking back my health and my sanity.
This has been a long time in coming, and it's about time I stopped. When will I start again...honestly I don't know. Right now the plan is to (reasonably) get myself back into things next semester. But right now, I'm also pursuing the option of not coming back. For a long time theatre has meant a lot to me, but I can say that at this moment, I don't wanna walk into a theater for a long time to come. I'm scared, but I trust that God is right here beside me, and that if I'm staring into the face of a major life change, that I can do that. I'd ask all of you to be praying for me to have the strength for His intervention.
Thanks for your patience and support.
All along in Human Rites rehearsal we've been encourage to be honest with each other. I was honest Thursday night about my concerns, and I ended up isolated on one side of the room and faced with an amount of ridicule and hatred that I have not seen in a long time. I was not in rehearsal Thursday night, but rather I was back in 8th grade at Holy Cross in 1st period science class with the rest of the students laughing at me, and my teachers standing by...one perpetuating it, and the other letting it happen. Six years and sixty miles away from that day, it's saddening to see how little has changed. Yeah, I'm damaged, and I think you all can understand why I cannot walk back into that room and make myself vulnerable to you again.
In regards to my original concern about our subject matter, I think the overall problem is that I couldn't even effectively communicate what was bothering me to begin with. I honestly believe that all of you have innocent motives in this matter and don't wish to hurt others, and I think that if you could have understood what I've begun to learn about people in the past two years, that you would have accepted my feelings about this, even if you didn't agree. The problem is, if I continued with this show in the current circumstances, you'd either be forcing me into a lie, or I'd be forcing you into one, and either way we'd all suffer. I'm not saying that I have the absolute right or anything, but I do know that in this case, we all believe what we believe to be true, but they're not the same things, and that would read on stage. Our goal was to present 'the question' without any sway. But when I was there, we couldn't agree on how to present that question to begin with in that matter...so if anything, I ask all of you to take this with you: Whenever you make a choice in this show, really consider whether it is innocent or not. One of the comments that night was if we continued the way I was thinking, we would get so broad that 'human' could define nothing. I couldn't agree more, and that made me realize that I shouldn't be doing a show with this subject matter, and I am truly sorry I didn't realize that sooner. I wish all of you the best of success, and I promise that I will not show up in the production in another other capacity to influence the direction of the show.
In regards to the comment about offending people, in general I don't have any problem offending people. I don't have a problem taking a social, religious, or politcal stance. In 'The Laramie Project', I hope that homophobics like Fred Phelps, Jr. were offended. In 'The Vagina Monologues', I hope that men who beat their wives were offended. But more importantly, I hope that those people were really made to consider their actions and mindset. I do not think it's acceptable to offend people just because of our own ignorance. Especially in this show, where we are talking about human equality and respect as one of our interests.
As for the comment about "it's just a show", well, for all of the better ways I can say it, I'll just stick with: Fuck You. I know, I know, it's your goddamn right to choose to do theatre for soley entertainment purposes, and that's between you and your morals - but I think it's sickening to take a show like this, and to look at it at it's best as a mainstage with a 3 week run. To each their own, but I look at theatre as something I do because I had to do it...not because I want a life of richness and fame.
In any case, it is true that I have resigned from all of my shows this semester. I'm very sorry to all of you that I left like this, especially to Bob and Susanna. But more importantly, in the words of Alanis, I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry that I've been living my life like everything is fine when it's not. When I first found out a year ago how sick I was, I decided that I wasn't gonna let it stop me; that I wasn't going to roll over in bed and wait to die. But instead, I did the complete opposite and I ignored my limitations, both physically and mentaly, and pushed myself constantly to somehow prove myself. I look back over this past year and I wonder what did that accomplished? I have lists of awards, shows, good grades, and other accomplishments...and no good memories. Every good show had the price of sleepless nights. I have all this resume, but at what cost? I woke up Friday morning and realized that theatre is no longer worth it. I shouldn't be sitting here in pain planning on waiting another 5 days to take some medication so that I can optimize my health for the Jacques Brel run. My priorities have gotten really screwed up along the way, and I'm taking back my health and my sanity.
This has been a long time in coming, and it's about time I stopped. When will I start again...honestly I don't know. Right now the plan is to (reasonably) get myself back into things next semester. But right now, I'm also pursuing the option of not coming back. For a long time theatre has meant a lot to me, but I can say that at this moment, I don't wanna walk into a theater for a long time to come. I'm scared, but I trust that God is right here beside me, and that if I'm staring into the face of a major life change, that I can do that. I'd ask all of you to be praying for me to have the strength for His intervention.
Thanks for your patience and support.
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