So anyways, I just finished converting all of the D1 Guest Chat Transcripts to MSWord, Wordpad, and Notepad and uploading them to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/d1music/ . If you wanna read any of the chats from artists like Orgy, Crazy Town, Deadsy, Linkin Park, Fluffy Starr, Mozaic, AphasiA, and more, go there and sign up and dl them. And for all of my D1 family...if you have copies of some of the early chats, ie Jay Baumgardner, early chats with Jay Gordon, etc., or if you have them saved in other formats, let me know and I'll get them from you and upload them as well, or give you access to upload them yourself. :-)
Lou says the guest chats so resume soon...I've heard rumors that include Jimi Haha from Jimmie's Chicken Shack, Paige Haley and Ryan Shuck of Orgy, and maybe even members of Limp Bizkit and Korn. But they're just rumors until you hear it from www.d1musicnet.com. (Shameless plug #1)
Also, since D1 just signed a few rap artists, I'm currently working on a new radio show, Valdyr's Vixens of Hip Hop. Listen to the D1 radio soon for that. Or for my other shows, lol. (Shameless plug #2)
Spring Break, weeeeeeeeee.....

Yeah, I am definately putting Fluffy Starr up there with Kevin & Cindy Spencer as the coolest performers to work with. She is such a nice person, and I am so glad I get a chance to work with her. In any case, you guys should check out what we're doing...www.fluffystarr.com. Go there sometime next week...it should be up sometime soon. I'm working with this guy, Derek, who seems to be really cool and talented, and it's a great learning experience for me.
In other news, yay for summer stock! Looks like I'm heading out to Utah to do the Utah Festival Opera...I'm in the course of talking over a job with the TD out there. So far, the position looks fabulous, so I hope this is supposed to be what works out. The even better thing is that Skunk, the ever-loved former mod of the D1 chat who I frequently quote here, lives very close to UFO (hehe, yeah) so if I get into trouble I can call him up...or if I want to get into trouble I can call him up...whichever. I'm also heading up to SETC the end of this week, so that should be fun, and will hopefully provide me with a few back-ups in case this job doesn't pan out.
So yeah...it's amazing what God can do in my life when I get out of His way.
And...I got myself a metal punch finally. I haven't tested it to see if it works yet, because I unfortunately forgot to grab my tops on the way out the door Wednesday when I came home. But it looks pretty decent, so hopefully my Spring Thing outfit will look fabulous soon!

What I learned today:
If you get a deep stab wound, and you decide to suck the blood off so that it doesn't go anywhere...don't suck too hard. You might just suck the fat tissue out of it, too. Yep, Laura 'Iron Stomach' Hofford even grossed herself out on that one.

In my anger I forgot to say, that no matter how much you've hurt me, I love you and I forgive you both.

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
this sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
turn to dust and fall away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, and I pray, and I pray
take my world apart
- Jars of Clay, "Worlds Apart"

It's wierd to be watching the news and to see your ex kissing his wife. But yeah, Joe, I'll be praying for you while you're over there.

The more I hear about this from other people, the more I realize that there's no way you ever loved me. Your apathy is rivaling Johnnie's. Betrayed, betrayed, betrayed...

[S] some woman dialed the wrong number....i say hello...she just starts talkin...askin if my wife is home...i say no...she goes on and on...sayin man it was close last weekend. i thought your wife was gonna catch us...i just let her talk...finally she goes whats wrong....said u got the wrong number...n i hope she does catch ya....she goes holy shit n hangs up

Me: I just wish things were clear-cut, you know?
Heather: Is anything simple and obvious in this life? I'm gonna have to go with a big fat hairy no.

* Valdyr pushes Lou back on the bed and has her way with him
* Nad blinks
[Valdyr] I'm tired of boys! I wanna real man!
[Valdyr] ok, I'm done
[Valdyr] LMAO
[D1Lou] Oh My God you guys are insane tonight
[Nad] no, just val
[D1Lou] ��gh��g յt ���
[Nad] LMAO
[GC] VAL!
[GC] get off my papa!
[GC] little girls aren't supposed to walk in on stuff like that happenin to their papa's!
[Valdyr] LMAO
[Valdyr] you can call me 'Ma' from now on, LMAO
* Nad blinks
[Valdyr] (darth vader voice) GC, I am your mother's uncle's sister's chia pet

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do you want to go higher?
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
- Madonna, "The Power of Good-Bye"

You think that I can't live without your love
You'll see
You think I can't go on another day
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side
You'll see
Somehow, some way
You think that I can never laugh again
You'll see
You think that you destroyed my faith in love
You think after all you've done
I'll never find my way back home
You'll see
Somehow, someday
All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see
You think that you are strong, but you are weak
You'll see
It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat
I have truth on my side
You only have deceit
You'll see, somehow, someday
All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive
I'll stand on my own
I won't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see
You'll see
You'll see
- Madonna, "You'll See"

(Since Blogger has been down for maintenance, here�s what�s happened since we left off)

�I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distress
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling
and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl�
- Ani, �Not A Pretty Girl�

�Hello, goodbye
I wanted to say, but I guess I
I don't have the strength to speak tonight
It's tricky sometimes
When you wanted to run, you'd always hide
You can't find the truth behind the lies
Another day and I'm on my feet, yeah
But the street feels like it's sleeping
I'm on a mission and it ain't too sweet
You're the reason I'm afraid
Said, you're the reason I'm afraid
But I want you to know
It's killing me
I think I gotta let go
Cause it's killing me
You're gonna do what you want
But you better believe
It's killing me
Love never dies
It's the reason that I won't compromise
But sometimes you fall before you fly
I've seen it coming for quite some time, man
I don't know what you're thinking
How can the two of us walk in stride
If we don't see eye to eye?
You got me all messed up inside
Is it too late in the game?
There is no one left to blame
I will always mention you
To the one that I pray to
Why can't you see that you're killing me?�
- DC Talk, �It�s Killing Me�


When I was growing up
I looked around and said I would never be this
I�m not gonna let anyone fuck me over
I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw
And as I brushed my hair I said

I�m gonna have a real man
One that loves me for me
I deserve a real man
Who will treat me respectfully

My first best friend was older
He would pray with me when I was hurt
He replaced my friends and family
But in the end we could not be
I tried to fix what wasn�t my problem
And in the end I thought

I want a real man
Someone who won�t mind who I am
I would like a real man
Who will protect me from them

A light shown down from heaven
And angels were singing around him
Perfection was in my grasp
But daily I was reminded
How much I was lacking in return
Love wasn�t enough and apathy filled the void
I wasn�t that worthless, and I knew

There was at least one real man
One who was too good for me
Was there only one real man
Who could never feel anything towards me?

God placed a strange package in front of me
Someone just as needy
Each night I feel asleep in his arms
But I never quite felt complete
And as the caring was left behind for pleasures of the flesh
I looked to heaven for a reason for answer
As to why

There was not a real man
Someone who wouldn�t see me as a possession
I knew not one real man
Someone who had no evil obsession

And as I closed my eyes and went to sleep
I was reminded once again
That two thousand years ago love came
In the form of simplicity
But there was nothing else that needed to be said
Other than �I love you�
And I knew

There was a real man
Someone that loves me for love�s own sake
There still is a real man
Someone who paid the price
For every other man I�d met

- The Last Laugh, �A Real Man�


[S] aweru asrushptorpn
[Nad] skunk is drunk
[Valdyr] yep

"You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap on the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?"
- Alanis, 'You Oughta Know'

"I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said"
- Ani, "32 Flavors"

"you pretend you're high
pretend you're bored
pretend you're anything
just to be adored
and what you need
is what you get
don't believe in fear
don't believe in faith
don't believe in anything
that you can't break
you stupid girl
you stupid girl
all you had you wasted
all you had you wasted
what drives you on
can drive you mad
a million lies to sell yourself
is all you ever had
don't believe in love
don't believe in hate
don't believe in anything
that you can't waste
you stupid girl
you stupid girl
can't believe you fake it
can't believe you fake it
don't believe in fear
don't believe in pain
don't believe in anyone
that you can't tame
you stupid girl
you stupid girl
all you had you wasted
all you had you wasted
you stupid girl
you stupid girl
can't believe you fake it
can't believe you fake it
you stupid girl"
- Garbage, 'Stupid Girl'

No you're not here for me. If you were still here for me, you would have been here last night and the night before. This is exactly what I was talking about...you'll be here for me when it's convenient. You don't want to take care of me anymore; I am so sorry that your love has turned into an inconvenience. Remember the talk we had last year, about why I didn't think I'd ever marry? Because I didn't think it would be fair...and you said that you would make that choice to be with me if I would let you. All this time I hated myself for not trusting you or anyone...well thank God! I can't even fathom how much worse this would be if I had believed you. Because, in the end, you were not, are not, will not be here for me...and I would rather bleed than rely on you again. Physical pain is infanitely more preferable to what I felt last night.

So I cleaned my entire dorm today...completely clean. I must be sick or something. Apartment hunting didn't go so well...we're running out of options.

So, this evening I get a call from the police department saying that my (parked) car was in an accident with 4 other cars...talk about freaking out. I had visions of my car being a half gone burned out shell. But in reality, some girl was either drunk or really inept at driving...she attempted to pull in next to a Jeep, hit it, backed up waaaaaaay too far and caught the edges of the two cars behind her in the next row, and pushed them into the two cars behind them, one of which being mine. Then, (yes, there's more) she left it there, in the middle of the street smushed into the two cars behind her. Someone noticed it today, but I get the impression that this happened like 3 days ago. WTF? I fortunately got off the easiest with an 8"x3" scrape on my back bumper...but still. Heh...drama...my major and my life.

I will never understand some people's capacity to not empathize with pain.

[Psycho_Joe] all day i have been running running running like a constipated weiner dog

[Psycho_Joe] what if god smokes canibus, hit the bong like some of us, drove a tie-dyed mini bus, and he subscribes to rolling stone

[vapor] you bastard with no dick
[Valdyr] LMAO
[Valdyr] hahahahahahahahahahaha
[Nad] ...
* Nad pulls down pants to show vap
[Valdyr] ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[vapor] eww put that thing away
[Valdyr] I'm blind!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Nad] ...
[vapor] dude i think you just made me a lesbian
[Valdyr] LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Nad] ...
[Valdyr] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*** vapor is now known as i_like_chicks_now
[i_like_chicks_now] so val whats up
*** Valdyr is now known as NadMadeMeALesbian
[NadMadeMeALesbian] hehe
[NadMadeMeALesbian] hey baby
[Nad] and i officially hate my life

I either want to be healed, or to die. I don't want to bleed slowly. And I'm not talking about my skin.

[Pia] ok im back did i miss anything
[S] elvis was here

Nad0725: well, i'm headin out for a few guys
Nad0725: talk to ya lata
madasin214: youre heading out for a few guys?

Just when you think you can't get enough of Nad...there's the JCS chat too...

"you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem"
- Alanis, 'Sympathetic Character'

[S] i got slapped at the bar this weekend....gal asks my name...told her Penis. she said Your Penis? I unzipped and said ur awefull forward aren't ya

[Dm] 60% of all massages turn into sexual encounters
[Valdyr] and Nad gives the other 40%

Ok, so my website for Fluffy Starr is here: http://www.angelfire.com/va3/zetavande/fluffystarr/index.html

Let me know if something doesn't work for you, or if it looks really wierd...I put a resolution detect on it, so if that doesn't work I need to fix it. :-)

[Synergistic] Hey Val
[Synergistic] I heard that you only said 'Nad has crabs' once tonight
[Valdyr] damn
[Valdyr] I'm slacking off, aren't I?

You know the weather is bad when they stop bothering to plow the roads.

Anyways, I spent most of the evening working on my website...I'm making a Fluffy Starr fan section, so you guys can see that in a few days. God, I love her music. I'm so glad D1 signed her. I can't wait for the CD. But yeah, I'll put a link up once I get things up and running. :-)

* [S] is swearing off da booze
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Riiiiiiiight.

In other news, in case you haven't noticed, I've been tweeking the blog, and I've added links to all of my friends' online journal-type things. If you have one that you'd like me to link to, just lemme know. Just think, now you can go to Nad's blog and read all of the stupid things I've said....oh wait, nm, I don't say stupid things. Crabs.
Also, word is that school is cancelled tomorrow....which kicks ass, because I had a test. Plus I'm not a huge fan of Astronomy Lab. Fun times. Unfortunately, we have a presentation to give this Friday in J/C/I, so the meeting we desperately needed to happen this afternoon doesn't look like it's gonna fly. Yay for ice. I'm currently working on creating a snowboard out of the piece of plywood I snatched from the shop trash pile. Hehe...plywood + stickers + pearl glaze + gaff tape = snowboard? I guess we'll see. I promise I'll try to stay out of the hospital this time. I also got my first experience driving in horrible weather last night....hence the "I love my car" post from this morning. Yeah...I love my car.
I don't know if anyone watched the news last night, but I was on TV! Yeah, the whole half a second of fame, lol. I went to the anti-war protest we had here...there were about 400 people there. It was really cool. I got to stand on the street behind a big peace flag making a peace sign. I feel like I'm in Vietnam. But seriously though, I think it's great that so many people are realizing what kind of shit we're doing as a nation, and are standing up against US foreign policy and saying that this has to end. On that note, vote Libertarian. "You can keep every TV that's trying to convince me to participate in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution." - Ani, "WTC Poem"

The only scary thing about living by yourself is having someone try to break in. Seriously, at like 3:30 this morning someone tried to get into my room. I don't think it was one of those "I'm putting my key in the wrong door" kind of things...I unfortunately couldn't get down off my loft in time to see who it was, but this person(s) was throwing themselves against my door in an attempt to get in. Scary shit.

I love my car.

"We stumble in a tangled web,
decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid,
all hope of salvage now devoid
I see truth inside your eyes
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
You could resurrect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need you
anymore
Time manipulates your heart,
preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
You could resurrect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
a thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need
you anymore
I'll say the words out loud I'll say a
thousand words or more
Manipulation. fabrication.
conversation. Annihialation.
I'll say a thousand words or more
damnation. frustration. Elevation.
Procreation
I'll say a thousand words or more
You could ressurect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need
you anymore"
- Savage Garden, 'A Thousand Words'

What kind of brainless idiot do you take me for? You just keep talking, keep telling me you love me, keep saying you wanna be my boyfriend, that your mine, and that she's just a friend. I am buying it, oh, I am sooo buying it. I didn't take this shit from any other guy, and I'm sure as hell not taking it from you. You act like I can see what you're doing; well, I hope you had your fun, and I hope she was good. In any case, people seem to think that I can't live without you...they keep forgetting that there were 19 other years that I was just fine on my own. I am...so sorry...that I let you in.

I am a banana.

I live in a giant bucket.

Zeta Vande: yeah, the test on Monday is Comp Sci for You and Your Dog
Nad0725: lol
Nad0725: "This is the power button" true or false
Zeta Vande: yeah
Zeta Vande: that's actually about right
Nad0725: lol
Zeta Vande: or, "which one is not a computer: calculator, watch, macintosh, pineapple?"

My spoon is too big.

"Everytime I go to sleep I tell God I'm ready and it's ok if I don't wake up tomorrow."

On the floor
Too scared to let go
But not strong enough to keep hold
I know that this is killing me
But the price for saving myself
Is it worth your demise
Trying to find the line where selfishness and self-respect divide

There's a temporary heaven
If I want it
But next week it will be gone
So 7 days of satisfaction
For another 7 days of shit
It would be so much easier
If you could just understand this

I know you love me
and I hope you know I tried
But if you can't see the knife you're twisting in me
How could you ever expect this to end

I never left you
You left me
every time you chose her
you broke me

you broke me

Here's a toast to vulnerability
Cheers for abused trust
You could say love is all-consuming
And it just consumed me
The fire that consumes me

- The Last Laugh, 'Purgatory'

Excuses so convenient.

Yeah, so the girl with menengitis lived next door to us. Scary.

[Nad] goodnight loug
*** Signoff by D1Lou detected
[Digital] loug
[Valdyr] LMAO
[Digital] lmao
[Nad] i'm glad he wasn't here to see me say loug

"Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Shut me off
I'm ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be my own
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm hanging from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going take its place?
Am I going to leave this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?
(More to come)
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?"
- Korn, 'Alone I Break'

"The hurt inside is fading
This shit's gone way too far
All this time I've been waiting
Oh, I cannot grieve anymore
For what's inside awaking
I'm not, I'm not a whore
You've taken everything and
Oh I cannot give anymore."
- Korn 'Here to Stay"

"Fare thee well
Trade in all our words for tea and sympathy
Wonder why we tried, for things that could never be
Play our hearts lament, like an unrehearsed symphony
Not intend
To leave this castle full of empty rooms
Our love the captive in the tower never rescued
And all the victory songs
Seem to be playing out of tune
But it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
You begin
And all your words fall to the floor and break like china cups
And the waitress grabs a broom and tries to sweep them up
I reach for my tea and slowly drink in"
- Jars of Clay 'Tea and Sympathy'

"Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me"
- Plumb 'Damaged'

"We never talked about it
'Cause you never even cared
And what you really wanted
I never even had
'Cause what may seem right
And what may be wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything
Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that it's not enough
There's nothing left between you and I
I'm finding faith but losing us
Where worlds collide
Together we seemed perfect
A fairy tale for show
And looking on the outside
You'd never even know
That we're just not right
When compromises is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything
We're just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
A place where we belong
Giving everything"
- Plumb 'Worlds Collide: A Fairy Tale'

"Selling out
Is not my thing
Walk away
I won't be broken again
I'm not
I'm not what you think
Dream away your life
Someone else's dream
Nothing equals nothing
Letting go
Is not my thing
Walk away
Won't let it happen again
I'm not
I'm not very smart
Why should I feel sad
For what I never had
Nothing equals nothing
Turn to stone
Lose my faith
I'll be gone
Before it happens
Selling out
Is not my thing
Walk away
I won't be broken again
I won't
I won't fall apart
Dream away your life
Dream away your dream
Nothing equals nothing
Turn to stone [turn to stone]
Lose my faith [lose my faith]
I'll be gone
Before it happens
Turn to stone [turn to stone]
Lose my faith [lose my faith]
I'll be gone"
- Madonna 'Gone'

So before I get to Tech, my doctor convinces me to get the Menengitis vaccine, even though the likelyhood that it would show up at any college campus is so small these days. Last year, a girl on the second floor of Cochrane got it (my floor, my building) and this year another girl has gotten it on the second floor of Main Egg (you guessed it, my floor, my building.) How freakin wierd is that?

Moral is: get vaccinated.

"All of these things
I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go"
- Jars of Clay, 'Much Afraid'

You know, it's not your fault that you have parents that love you...you respect the fact that other people have to work their way through college, but you don't have to put yourself through needless suffering just because God gave you a gift He didn't give them. It's like when people tell me that I don't understand how hard they have to work to get through college because my dad makes enough money to pay for it all. Yeah, ok, well look at the scholarships I get...everyone of them I had to work my ass off academically to get. I know about working hard and deserving it. I think the same thing goes for love...you are a good person - one of the most selfless individuals I know in fact - and you deserve every bit of the same kind of love that they give to you.

"You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my condition or police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you have now danced your way back into debt.
This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is."

- Alanis "You Owe Me Nothing"

[Nad] honestly, i think i'd be worse off if i didn't have problems in my life...
[Valdyr] at least you have something to blame
[Valdyr] LMAO
[Nad] ...

Ever stop and think about the implications of leaving out or changing a name when you're telling a story? The whole "protect the innocent" kind of thing. Who is innocent? I had a kind of interesting confrontation tonight about making a previous reference, though I did not say the name, there was no question of who it could be. Why do we feel the need to protect other people like this? The way I see it, none of us should do or say things that we don't want to stand by...isn't that a concept?
Like, in Rite of Ascenscion, well, obviously it's about my life. Not a complete re-creation, but I wonder if I'm leaving something important out by not directly pointing the finger at you...and at me. Hey, I'm not a good person. My character ends up damned and dead by her own pride, so why should you complain? You've got your own blessed sense of huberis...there's nothing I could do to you that would be any worse than what we do to ourselves.

[Nad] if kat's old, than jay is a fuckin ancient
(Jay Gordon? Nah...)

"I'm not talking to myself...I'm just the only one who's listening." - JCS, 'Milk'

"This song is called 'Vacuum'. Because people suck." - JCS

So, I know a lot of you wanna know exactly what's happened, so I'll try to explain this the best I can.

All along in Human Rites rehearsal we've been encourage to be honest with each other. I was honest Thursday night about my concerns, and I ended up isolated on one side of the room and faced with an amount of ridicule and hatred that I have not seen in a long time. I was not in rehearsal Thursday night, but rather I was back in 8th grade at Holy Cross in 1st period science class with the rest of the students laughing at me, and my teachers standing by...one perpetuating it, and the other letting it happen. Six years and sixty miles away from that day, it's saddening to see how little has changed. Yeah, I'm damaged, and I think you all can understand why I cannot walk back into that room and make myself vulnerable to you again.

In regards to my original concern about our subject matter, I think the overall problem is that I couldn't even effectively communicate what was bothering me to begin with. I honestly believe that all of you have innocent motives in this matter and don't wish to hurt others, and I think that if you could have understood what I've begun to learn about people in the past two years, that you would have accepted my feelings about this, even if you didn't agree. The problem is, if I continued with this show in the current circumstances, you'd either be forcing me into a lie, or I'd be forcing you into one, and either way we'd all suffer. I'm not saying that I have the absolute right or anything, but I do know that in this case, we all believe what we believe to be true, but they're not the same things, and that would read on stage. Our goal was to present 'the question' without any sway. But when I was there, we couldn't agree on how to present that question to begin with in that matter...so if anything, I ask all of you to take this with you: Whenever you make a choice in this show, really consider whether it is innocent or not. One of the comments that night was if we continued the way I was thinking, we would get so broad that 'human' could define nothing. I couldn't agree more, and that made me realize that I shouldn't be doing a show with this subject matter, and I am truly sorry I didn't realize that sooner. I wish all of you the best of success, and I promise that I will not show up in the production in another other capacity to influence the direction of the show.

In regards to the comment about offending people, in general I don't have any problem offending people. I don't have a problem taking a social, religious, or politcal stance. In 'The Laramie Project', I hope that homophobics like Fred Phelps, Jr. were offended. In 'The Vagina Monologues', I hope that men who beat their wives were offended. But more importantly, I hope that those people were really made to consider their actions and mindset. I do not think it's acceptable to offend people just because of our own ignorance. Especially in this show, where we are talking about human equality and respect as one of our interests.

As for the comment about "it's just a show", well, for all of the better ways I can say it, I'll just stick with: Fuck You. I know, I know, it's your goddamn right to choose to do theatre for soley entertainment purposes, and that's between you and your morals - but I think it's sickening to take a show like this, and to look at it at it's best as a mainstage with a 3 week run. To each their own, but I look at theatre as something I do because I had to do it...not because I want a life of richness and fame.

In any case, it is true that I have resigned from all of my shows this semester. I'm very sorry to all of you that I left like this, especially to Bob and Susanna. But more importantly, in the words of Alanis, I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry that I've been living my life like everything is fine when it's not. When I first found out a year ago how sick I was, I decided that I wasn't gonna let it stop me; that I wasn't going to roll over in bed and wait to die. But instead, I did the complete opposite and I ignored my limitations, both physically and mentaly, and pushed myself constantly to somehow prove myself. I look back over this past year and I wonder what did that accomplished? I have lists of awards, shows, good grades, and other accomplishments...and no good memories. Every good show had the price of sleepless nights. I have all this resume, but at what cost? I woke up Friday morning and realized that theatre is no longer worth it. I shouldn't be sitting here in pain planning on waiting another 5 days to take some medication so that I can optimize my health for the Jacques Brel run. My priorities have gotten really screwed up along the way, and I'm taking back my health and my sanity.

This has been a long time in coming, and it's about time I stopped. When will I start again...honestly I don't know. Right now the plan is to (reasonably) get myself back into things next semester. But right now, I'm also pursuing the option of not coming back. For a long time theatre has meant a lot to me, but I can say that at this moment, I don't wanna walk into a theater for a long time to come. I'm scared, but I trust that God is right here beside me, and that if I'm staring into the face of a major life change, that I can do that. I'd ask all of you to be praying for me to have the strength for His intervention.

Thanks for your patience and support.