Cool happening of the week:

So yesterday we had Nabucco tech, and the director decided that he didn't like the hand cuffs we got for the end scene - he said they looked like we got them from a sex shop.

We did.

But anyways, the cool part is that we didn't actually buy them, but we traded them for tickets to one of the shows. So know all 5 members of the props division have a really cool pair of leather bondage straps. I should take a picture, but it's rather amusing to walk around Mormon Country, USA wearing steel toed boots, dirty jeans, a wife-beater, and big black leather wrist cuffs with metal studs.

Which leads me to the conclusion that theatre majors really do have more fun.

So I'm getting ready to head home; I'm not teching today, so I can leave early. Get some sleep before the big bbq tomorrow. :-) Good times.

Song of the Day: Alanis - "Unprodigal Daughter"

I had a really great conversation with the props master today about my career. It's nice to be on the same ground with someone in terms of making life choices.

When I left VT this semester, I knew that this summer was going to make or break theatre for me. And I've come to the conclusion that if I can be this satisfied and have this much fun when things are going this badly (in terms of basic theatre logic) that this is exactly where I need to be. I mean, I'm working like 14 hour days, getting 5 hours of sleep at the most, being stepped on, criticized, and inconvenienced - and it's ok. It seriously is ok.

I have met the best people and the worst people in my life in theatre. There are a few people here that I can't stand; but there are a few people here that I've met that have dramatically improved the quality of my existence. And that's what it came down to - I am satisfied.

I also realized that there were a few choices I made that have drastically altered my perception of life within the few weeks that I've been here:

1) Trust God. He's gonna provide what you need when He's supposed to, so just be patient.

2) The only part of life you can control is your own perception of the situation and how you respond to it.

3) Don't internalize your work. Job stress shouldn't go home with you.

4) Don't be afraid to make a hard choice. Whether it means standing up for yourself, getting involved in a relationship, or just hopping on a plane and flying across the country for a summer job. Take a leap of faith, and make yourself vulnerable.

5) Listen to your body. It knows what time you should wake up in the morning.

Song of the Day: Alanis - "Fear of Bliss"

Tech week sucks.

I just got back from work, and it being 2am, I should sleep. I am so glad this pretty much ends on Saturday. Steve is planning a big party Sunday, and he's cooking a lot of food. He made me a kick ass steak today for dinner (and delivered, which is key for a tech rehearsal). :-)

Not much else going on...just spent the day running around trying to get stuff done for tomorrow's show, while alternately running tech for like, 10 hours, for today's show. I forgot how annoying it is to be on run crew.

Anyways, all is well here.

Quote of the Day: "It's better to be broken than to break." - Celldweller, "Frozen"

*yawn* So tired. Just got back from rehearsal. Nabucco is such a boring opera.

Anyways, things are going well. I'm waiting for Steve to get back from the bar so that we can hang out...hehe, at least I finally got some time to get caught up on my work for D1. I finished writing up my questions for the Celldweller interview...I think it's gonna be a really good read when I get it done and uploaded. :-)

This internship with D1 really is one of the best things that has happened to me. I'm really getting some fabulous contacts.

Speaking of contacts, well, I don't know if I should really post this now, but it looks like Steve will be taking a job in Virginia this fall. That's right...he's moving from Texas to be with me. I am stunned, but overjoyed. On top of that, I'll have a secured position if I want it with him when I graduate. It's like I'm living a dream.

Have I only known him for a month?

*sigh* Craziness. But my motto this summer is No Expectations, No Regrets, so it's ok. I know everything will work out the way it's supposed to. But I swear I didn't want to get reattatched so soon. Drama...my major and my life. At least I'm not bored. :-D

Away Message of the Day: This is not Johnnie. This is his friend, Austin. I have hacked into Johnnie's computer, stole his identity, and am in the process of transferring all his assetts to my Swiss account. If you talk to him, tell him I'm sorry, and goodbye!

Crazy boy.

Anyways, someone shoot me. Welcome to theatre, where nothing stays on schedule. I will be so glad when this last week is over and we go into the run.

Good news, though: I got an interview with Celldweller!! Yay!! I'm very excited. :-D I also got my interview back from Deficit, and am waiting for Vanity Beach to return theirs. Hopefuly we'll get all of the FFA contestants done soon so you guys can read them, lol.

Dana, it was really good to talk to you again last night. I'm glad we can get stuff worked out. :-)

Back to work I go...fortunately, I had a very nice dinner break despite all the confusion. Thank you, love, for bringing me dinner. :-)

Song of the Day: Garbage - "You Look So Fine"

Quote of the Day: You weren't anything I was looking for, but everything I needed.

Yay for a day off! I finally slept a good 12 hours...half of them in Steve's arms. So much for the movie, lol. I'm getting ready to go shopping and spend part of the day cleaning and decorating my room, then Steve's cooking me lobster for dinner. :-D Good times.

We start tech on Wednesday, so I'm almost done. I'm so tired, but we got a lot accomplished. I can't wait to see the shows.

Anyways, I'm off to the grocery store...hope everyone's doing well.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Perfect"

Life is good; I'm glad I came.
I've finished dying and I'm living again.
I've reincarnated love, and it's on again.

Corrie is my hero of the day! I'm loved!

Song of the Day: Pink ft. Redman - "Get The Party Started (Sweet Dreams Remix)"

So I just sat through what may or may not have been a tornado. What wierd weather.

Anyways, all I can say is that God works in mysterious ways. This relationship is so strange. The connection we have is amazing, but at the same time it wasn't anything I was looking for. The way he can look straight into my heart is fascinating and kinda scary; I just wish I was more at ease. I give myself credit for trying again so soon, but I didn't really realize how much my capacity to trust was damaged until now. I'm not afraid of making myself vulnerable again...I'm not afraid of pain. The problem is, I expect it. I'm just waiting for him to hurt me. It never even occures to me to believe him. I'm in such a sad state of disbelief it's not even funny.
And the way that he completely understands all of this is just mind blowing. I guess right now I'm just afraid that he might run out of patience waiting for me to heal. I hope that he's in this for the long haul, because on the other hand, no matter how bad off I am, he's already done me so much good.
All I can do is trust that this will last for as long as it's supposed to, and that God will continue to provide in whatever way He sees fit to.

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "I Believe You"

*sigh* I got your email, I just don't know what else there is to say.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Cold"

Because, obviously, romantic love is the only kind there is.

And you see no problem in asking me to abandon my own happiness for your own needs.

You're not in love with me; you're in love with the idea of having a relationship. You think that the word "girlfriend" is just what you need. Even you should know that someone else can't fix you. I don't need to be you're "girlfriend" to know that you're not right for me...is a label really going to expand my knowing you?

The next thing I'm about to say is probably the most hurtful that I've ever said to you, but I think I'm justified. The fundamental difference between us is that you grew up with love handed to you on a platter. You never had to search for it, examine what it was, or develop it in yourself. Now that life is starting to get tougher, you can't borrow the sunshine of love given to you by your parents anymore...and unfortunately you've never learned to find love in yourself to take its place. Love is patient, love is kind, love is humble...I'll stop quoting the Bible here, but the point is, true love is its own validation. Me returning any affection won't make a damn bit of difference on how you feel.

I'm not mad anymore at your demands on me or total lack of concern for my happiness. I forgive you for being selfish lately, because I know things are hard. But I'm starting to resent you for your complete unwillingness to try anymore. I remember someone crying on my shoulder at 3am a few months ago, saying he never wanted to be like his dad. Life is 10% circumstances, and 90% how you deal with them. I don't hate people that fail; I hate people that just stop trying and blame everything on everyone else.

There isn't anyone in this world that can make your life better.

And there isn't anyone in this world that can make you a failure.

I can say this because I just finished digging myself out of the grave with my fingernails yet again, and I know how hard it is...but there is simply no excuse for pawning things off on other people. Everything comes down to a choice - you keep trying, or you give up. That's it. You are at a point in your life where you are so close to securing a future for yourself, but you're about to give up the last 2 year stint and the previous 19 years of your life for nothing.

After reading this last night, and thinking about it all today at work, there's just no way I can deal with your complete apathy to my situation. Were you just helping me through this semester because you saw an opportunity now that Jeremiah was out of the way? Do you really want me to censor myself around you when it concerns new men in my life? Do you really think that's in any way fair for you to ask? When I thought about these things, I had a sudden new wave of fear over losing my best friend. But dammit those were the same thoughts I had 7 years ago at Holy Cross, and I made it through on my own. I didn't want to go through this stage of my life alone, but I did it before and I'll do it again.

I'll keep praying for you, because at this point that's all I can do. I know you mentioned you were having a hard time with your faith, and that's ok; I had to take a break from God for awhile earlier this year, and He was waiting for me as soon as I looked back. Which was sooner than expected. Keep it real with yourself and with God - the only two people you can't lie to.

"A thousand cigarettes won't change the way we feel...the pressure's fading now...can you bear the thought of knowing truth? Knowing truth..."
- Jay Gordon, "Black Cloud"

Nad0725: you could smoke my shirts and catch a major buzz

So this is how much everyone loves me:

Cullen: Miss ya, hope Utah is rocking ass. Pennsylvania is fan damn tastic. Much love for you from the east coast (from me) : P

Champe: I love you a supernova full of love.
Oh, I can't lie.
The truth is, I only love you a few tiny food pellets full of love.

Katherine: i'll tell you how much i miss you!!!
< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> much!

David: This much!
::indicates large amount with hands::

Keep the love coming! I love you guys too!

Yay for peaceful lunch breaks! Thanks to all the homies showing the love on IM...hehe...happiness is a funny away message.

Anyways, we get off early tonight, so me and Steve are going back to the dam tonight after dinner to watch the moon...the sky here is just fabulous. He's planning on cooking me lobster for dinner as well.

I didn't come here to fall in love. I really didn't. But I'm glad despite everything I went through this year, that I still have the strenght and the willingness to be vulnerable again. And I'm thankful for his patience.

What a crazy 2 weeks it has been. ;-)

Back to work I go...btw, so what if I speak a bit of Klingon? ;-P Love ya, glad you're doing ok. I was worried.

Looking for par'mach in all the wrong places. *sigh* But I'm not complaining. I definately needed the distraction. ;-)

Work is sooooooooooooo long. 15 hour days suck. I am so ready for the shows to open and for me to be done with build. Good news is the ATD told me I get to paint all evening again tomorrow, so that will be a nice break from the monotony of props. I've almost got a few of my larger projects done, including this huge sculpted sphinx I had to recreate for the back of the throne for Nabucco...if all goes well, I should be vacu-forming that sucker tonight. *Yawn* I wish I didn't have to go back to work though; I am so worn out from yesterday, lol. I keep forgetting how hard the higher elevation is on excercise...plus, the cold water probably didn't help. :-D But I'm REALLY looking forward to climbing that mountain next week.

I better fix some food before I head back out...

Song of the Day: Savage Garden - "I Want You"

Ok, the first round of pictures are up! Go to http://www.angelfire.com/va3/zetavande/utah/utahpics.html, or go to my website and hover over my name, then click on 'Travel Pictures'. There are only a few there, but I'll get more up soon. Later tonight, I'm gonna upload some new portfolio pics...we may be working long hours, but I am getting so much theatre material, it's crazy! Yay!

Yay for boys! Hehe...me and Steve hiked to the first dam up the mountain today...it was sooooooooo much fun. He's a really sweet guy. The hike was about an hour walk up the trail that runs next to the moutain run-off irrigation stream, and it was really pretty. Steve found this huge pink poppy growing on the way back...it's sitting in the window now. :-) Once we got to the dam, there's a little grassy area with a small beach...there were a few people there, but it was still really awesome...the water is so beautiful and clear. I can't wait until we go up to Bear Lake. But yeah, the water was sooooooooo cold...crazy snow, lol! But I know that in August that it'll be a bit warmer, so that will be the place to be on lazy Sundays. There's also this big rock cliff that a few guys were jumping off of...totally like what you see on TV. I mean, the view around here is just amazing. And you really will see this, because Steve is on his way over now with the digital camera so we can upload some pics. The hike back was fun too...we detoured through the campus on the way back.
Next week we're gonna head back up that way, but this time there is this HUGE mountain right next to the dam that we're gonna climb...I've been wanting to go straight up one of those suckers since I first flew in to Salt Lake. It's amazing to just be standing on flat ground and about 50 yards away there's a mountain that has snow on the top of it. Just crazy.
Long week at work...people are starting to complain about the 15 hour work days, so they're starting to grudgingly let up on us. I'm still really enjoying the job...I will probably come back next year. Good people.
So I'm gonna load up these pics online, and then head back over to Steve's for Lord of the Rings 2. Steve is a typical guy in that he loves his computers, cars, and tvs, so he actually bought a huge TV and premium cable for the short period of time we're here. In fact, he's thinking about buying a car here as well, and if he does, I've got my ride to L.A. and Vancouver! Yay for meeting Jay Gordon and Fluffy Starr! Hehe. :-) Speaking of which, really need to go buy a birthday card for Lou...gonna go do that now too...

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Diffikult Grrl"

I don't know why you're avoiding calling me, and I don't understand what happened to make you write that kind of thing in your blog, but I'm really beginning to feel that this friendship is completely hostile, and I wanted to say loud and clear that I don't believe in a love that is that hateful.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I didn't ask for this. I was always honest with you, and I am really hurt by your demands on me. You're being completely selfish, even more so than I was a few days ago. At least I knew I was wrong, and apologized for it...but you're just taking pot shots at trying to guilt trip me. I am so sorry you get offended by me attempting to find what I'm looking for. YOU are not what I'm looking for, and I'm going elsewhere. I didn't want to lose you, but I'm not one to sit around and hear this kind of abuse. I know you're having a rough time and that being back home has to suck hardcore, but don't take it out on your friends.
I would have told you this in person, but it's hard when you're ignoring me. So read it here along with everyone else. You said goodbye, and I'm holding you to it.

Quote of the Day: "If you need a friend, I am here. If you want me, I am near. If you want to be drunk, buy me a beer." (Steve)

Yay for having a new big brother! :-D God loves me.

I swear I will have pictures up soon...I've got a bunch transfered to my computer, so I'll upload them soon - maybe even tonight once I get back from work. Anyways, I gotta get up and head back to the theatre...yay for 12 hour work calls...

Wee...so tired. I was at the scene shop until 11 last night, but the good news is they finally pulled me from props to do some scenic painting in the evening. It looks like I'll be painting at nights for the next few days. So if I can remember, I'm going to take my camera to work again and get some more pics of my work, plus more photos of the theatre and the surrounding area. I really will get stuff up online soon, I swear.

In other news, I got my bank account set up here, and another internet connection. Just in case. :-) But yeah, right now there's a good possibility I'll be back next season.

If I get the time I'll drop a postcard to the PAB to let everyone know how it's going...so watch the callboard. Speaking of mail, send me some, people! I wanna feel special!

Quote of the Day - "She is tolerable, I suppose...but not handsome enough to tempt me." (Mr. Darcy, 'Pride and Prejudice')

Fun times in Utah...hehe, things are still going well...but they're starting to mandate 12 hour days...as if I'm not already doing 11 or 11.5 hours. Anyways, the good news is this will only be for a few more weeks, and then all the free time comes in. :-D

In personal news, I think I've got a new big brother candidate. :-D Well, at least I got a guy twisted around my finger, lol. Hehe, in all seriousness, he's very nice and we're supposed to hang out later on this week.

Off to work I go...

Song of the Day: JCS - "High"

Quote of the Day: "What we have now is great, and I still feel that what we could have is beautiful."

I'm beginning to find myself again...so I consider this trip a success.

Still having soooo much fun. My body is killing me, but I'm gonna be such a better technician after this, and it's so good for me to be around new, good people.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Blue Monday"
I'm beginning to know how it feels to treat me like you do.