So as I'm wide awake with nothing to do, I figured I'd take this time and just talk for awhile.

I'm in that lovely position where the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I came back from Utah ready to face my problems head-on, and spent a good month settling into the fact that I didn't have Steve right by my side anymore. We got things worked out, and had a good thing going between us even though he was away. But then after January rolled around, he just dropped off the face of the earth for two months...and couldn't understand that I needed more. During that unfortunate transition, I met one of the sweetest guys of my life, and we've had almost two great months together. But as school is getting ready to finish, the Orgy tour is getting underway, and all those other random requirements get in the way, I'm realizing that this was probably the worst possible time for me to fall in love.

A few months ago when I was doing preliminary research for a job, I was willing to go anywhere...cruise ships...tours... California, to be close to D1. Key West, to be close to the best beach ever. England, to work on the Harry Potter movies and drool over Alan Rickman. All these ideas that I was perfectly willing to take the risk and follow through on. And now, finally, the queen of getting the hell out of Virginia is desperate to stay in the most backassward part of the US. Because now I have something that's good enough to make everything else here worth it. And now I'm realizing how near-impossible this is going to be.

I can feel my heart shutting down to avoid getting hurt again.