Ok, so now that I've taken a shower and cried for a good while, I guess I've come to some understandings. So...me and Jacob, well, didn't really fight...it consisted mostly of my being really upset and just completely unable to talk anymore. I thought I was mad at him, but in reality, I know that in all honesty, the only thing that really gives me happiness and comfort these days is him. I mean, sometimes RAM does too, but other times it's just a sad reminder of how little I've been able to accomplish.

The truth is, I really resent myself. I've sold out and settled on so many levels. I graduated and all of those ideals I had just faded in the way of sensibility and finances. I mean, we all pretend we're self-sufficient in college, but I think the truth is whether we realize it or not is that in the back of our minds we always know that if the worst comes, daddy's gonna be there to foot the bill.

Well, that's not the case now. I'm making enough money to be on my own. Barely. How am I ever going to make this change?

I wish I could just say 'fuck it' and go. But all these thoughts about insurance, rent, gas money, retirement...they keep creeping in. And the feeling of responsibility and guilt towards my coworkers in this awful situation is overwhelming.

I'm working on a project that supports bands. People who have said 'fuck it' and have followed their dreams. But I'm too chicken to do it myself.