Night of the Douche*
A Short Story by Valdyr
Once upon on a time in an auditorium not too far from here, there was a douche. This douche one day suddenly found himself in a crap-ass talent show, though even he couldn't meet the dismal standards. But, alas, at this talent show was a hot girl running sound. And it was love at first sight.
So after intermission, the douche casually strolls right into the sound booth, and just plops down in the chair next to the hot sound girl like he owns the place.
"Uh, Can I help you?" she asks.
"No, I'm just going to sit here."
The girl raises an eyebrow. "Uh, sorry, but I've gotta be able to move around here to get to all of the equipment."
"Oh, I'll stay out of the way."
"No, really, I have to be able to get all the way over there, too."
"Oh, well, you can show me what to do and I'll help."
"No, REALLY, I had to ask my friends to leave too because I'm too busy right now."
"So do you go to school here?"
"No, I work here." She points to name card.
"So, you go to school here too?"
Obviously I'm too young to have a job she thinks. "No, I WORK here."
"So you're like, 20?"
"22."
"Are you married?"
"No."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yes," she lies.
"Why is it that everyone I talk to seems to be married or have a boyfriend?" muses the douche.
Probably because you're a douche she thinks, and doesn't respond.
The douche sees her Snape desktop image and asks, "So, you're a Harry Potter fan?"
The girl turns around.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BOOTH!"
So the douche went on to bug the girl that sang a Mariah Carey cover in a tight-ass dress, and he douched happily ever after. The end.
*"Night Of The Douche" is based on a true story. Any resemblence to any person, living or dead, is not coincidental, and I hope he somehow reads this, the douche.
In other news, while I was contemplating either rolling a joint or tying a noose in the booth to presumably put me out of my misery, Steve IM's me randomly. Yeah, you remember Steve. Ex from Utah. Anyways, he's back in California. Raise any flags for anyone? Well, I give him props for at least going back on his own accord to take care of the whole being-wanted-for-parole-evasion thing, but he's having it rough. Says he misses me. I'm like, you haven't called me since I saw you back in what, October? Moving on.
At that point in my life, Roanoke had been thoroughly disgraced with this utterly disasterous talent show, and now the candidates for the SGA presidency were up speaking. This was good, because my friend Charly is running for this, and his speech was great. I really think he'll get elected, and I'll be happy for him. He's got a lot of good ideas of things he wants to do. That's really cool.
So, in other news, I have cramps that are not only the size of Montana, but also China. So I'm going to go back to drinking now.
A Short Story by Valdyr
Once upon on a time in an auditorium not too far from here, there was a douche. This douche one day suddenly found himself in a crap-ass talent show, though even he couldn't meet the dismal standards. But, alas, at this talent show was a hot girl running sound. And it was love at first sight.
So after intermission, the douche casually strolls right into the sound booth, and just plops down in the chair next to the hot sound girl like he owns the place.
"Uh, Can I help you?" she asks.
"No, I'm just going to sit here."
The girl raises an eyebrow. "Uh, sorry, but I've gotta be able to move around here to get to all of the equipment."
"Oh, I'll stay out of the way."
"No, really, I have to be able to get all the way over there, too."
"Oh, well, you can show me what to do and I'll help."
"No, REALLY, I had to ask my friends to leave too because I'm too busy right now."
"So do you go to school here?"
"No, I work here." She points to name card.
"So, you go to school here too?"
Obviously I'm too young to have a job she thinks. "No, I WORK here."
"So you're like, 20?"
"22."
"Are you married?"
"No."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yes," she lies.
"Why is it that everyone I talk to seems to be married or have a boyfriend?" muses the douche.
Probably because you're a douche she thinks, and doesn't respond.
The douche sees her Snape desktop image and asks, "So, you're a Harry Potter fan?"
The girl turns around.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BOOTH!"
So the douche went on to bug the girl that sang a Mariah Carey cover in a tight-ass dress, and he douched happily ever after. The end.
*"Night Of The Douche" is based on a true story. Any resemblence to any person, living or dead, is not coincidental, and I hope he somehow reads this, the douche.
In other news, while I was contemplating either rolling a joint or tying a noose in the booth to presumably put me out of my misery, Steve IM's me randomly. Yeah, you remember Steve. Ex from Utah. Anyways, he's back in California. Raise any flags for anyone? Well, I give him props for at least going back on his own accord to take care of the whole being-wanted-for-parole-evasion thing, but he's having it rough. Says he misses me. I'm like, you haven't called me since I saw you back in what, October? Moving on.
At that point in my life, Roanoke had been thoroughly disgraced with this utterly disasterous talent show, and now the candidates for the SGA presidency were up speaking. This was good, because my friend Charly is running for this, and his speech was great. I really think he'll get elected, and I'll be happy for him. He's got a lot of good ideas of things he wants to do. That's really cool.
So, in other news, I have cramps that are not only the size of Montana, but also China. So I'm going to go back to drinking now.
1 Comments:
that was great, happened to me too, but i'm a guy and it was a light booth at the new orleans con center. . . still brings a tear to my eye, i dissed him too.
m.a.
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