Good evening, surprisingly. Band practice was cancelled at the last minute because Jeff is sick, so me, Derek, and Evyl went out drinking instead. So, to make a long story short (lol, Lou), here's just another entry from earlier this month:

7/13/05 I got an email from Chris today, to see if I wanted to hang out and such again. He told me the last time we hung out that he still read my blog vigiliantly, so I can only imagine he's looking around and wondering where the reading material went. So, I'm now at the lonely number of two people that have seemed to have noticed my absence. [edit: and yes he did notice, and thank you to both Lance and Chris for being awesome friends and calling.] You know, it occurs to me as I start to wrap things up here, how easily it was just to fall away. One of the reasons I've decided to go was because, after a very real and uncharacteristically comforting discussion with Rafe last week, that the longer I stay here in Virginia, the more tied down I will become by relationships, jobs, and other commitments. He spoke breifly about his ex-wife, and how it came down to that he wanted to be stable and have a family, and she wanted to fly and be an actress. He belongs in Virginia, and she belongs in California. There is no right or wrong, it's just a matter of priority. And he told me that as a theatre person he was surprised I hadn't moved on yet, but then thinking back, he said everything I've done lately has pointed to me wanting stability instead of my job. Choosing to stay in Virginia and work at the hotel because of my then budding relationship with Lance, taking yet another stable job at VW and my relationships with Jacob and Frankie, both of which had the possibility of permanence. And I'm thinking hard, finally, after all that he said, and I know...I know it's time to go. But as far as falling away goes, I guess I never really was tied down here much at all. Or maybe the events of the last few months have been enough to make me grow up and face some of my fears. For the first time in my life, I can look west and see LA and think that I'm not too afraid anymore to go. I'm not going to just nod slightly this time and think "in a few more years." I'm sure, in the end, staying in Virginia and dealing with some of the things I've had handed to me has made me a stronger person. But like I said in retrospect to my years at Holy Cross...I wish there could have been another way. I remember telling Corrie a few months ago during the car ride back from a show, that I was sure she had closer friends then me. She turned to me, kinda shocked, and I think maybe a little upset, and said I was one of her closest friends. I definately didn't mean to offend, because I have so much love and respect for her, and I know she does me, but what I meant to say was - and really this goes for just about everyone - that no one really knows me at all. Sure, people know what I like and don't like...they know about my taste in music, my sense of humor, my willingness to give, my love of beer, and maybe even my beliefs in faith and politics. But no one really, truly, has ever seen me. No one sees the thoughts that have danced through my head. No one's seen just how many tears have fallen from eyes. Some people might even know some of the secrets of these recent dark days, but know one knows the feelings of burning shame or the residual resentment that never really left. I cover it up so damn well I could have been an actress. I'm so great at just alluding to a little bit of pain that I hope you'll see, that I completely mislead everyone away from the real deal. One day soon I'm going to lay it out on the line once and for all.

I had a good convo with Jacob last night, first about metallic sqoooshes, secondly about Harry Potter, and lastly about how I wouldn't be able to buy his album. I guess that was something that was pressing on me, about not being able to listen to the two songs where he was hating on me, then the rest of the album about a girl he had apparently been in love with for much longer...so we talked a bit, and got it out there, so I feel a bit more lightened. I care about him, and I'm really proud of what he's doing, and he is, indeed, a damn good musician...but it's just a little too soon for me to face up to all of that just yet. Soon...soon my heart will be closed again and things will be ok. I do look forward to the day that I can see him the same comforting way I see Jeremiah and Lance. :-)

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Severe" (a second album is in development) www.myspace.com/concreteband