So my parents are going out of town this week, so I'm going to use that time to attempt the rest of this "solo project" thing, since that seems to be the only thing I can actually continue on with at this point.

Life is so wierd. I guess one of the reasons I wanted to jet to L.A. so fast is that I was afraid of staying and second-guessing myself, which is exactly what's happening now that I know I have to wait at least until next semester to go. I do want to go to L.A. But maybe I don't want to go to school. Maybe instead of blowing my savings on school, I should just take the plunge and start a business instead. And while I'm thinking that, I wonder, would it be easier to start it here and move it out there later? Gah. Too many options. But I guess that's better than not enough.

In the meantime, I'm going to post an excerpt of some of the writings I made while I was ignoring my blog and coming to conclusions the other week. This is the night I hung out with Mike...and later saw Frankie in one of the most awkward situations of my life.

7/7/05 After the course of events from the last few months, I felt the need to disappear. And to change. Hopefully within the month I'll be packed, have my affairs wrapped out, and on my way elsewhere. I'm not on IM anymore, nor do I post in my blog. But I still feel the need to communicate. At least to myself. In any case, last night I went down and spent the evening with Mike. It's always good to see him. He's so warm and intuitive, especially for a guy, lol. We went to Rivermill and played pool and darts, and drank, and overall had a very enjoyable time. We talked sooo much about everything that has been going on, both with him and with me, and it feels good to be able to unload. He also had a good aspect on everything that happened with Jacob, so it was nice to hear him be able to squash some of my fears and doubts. And I know he wouldn't lie to me. Afterwards I figured since I was in town and since apparently I'm an expert on reinstating relationships, I called Frankie. Now, honestly, I was drunk and emotionally numb at this point in the night, and he tells me that Becky is over there. So, after much talking, we all agree I can come over. Wow, what a fucking awkward situation. I got out of the car and they were waiting outside. Frankie introduces Becky, then points at her enlarged stomach and introduces "little Frankie". She just kinda snarls at me and says it's good to meet me. So we go inside, and the best I can think to do is talk to Jesse for a minute. I think he was probably more shocked than me to see us three together, but he took it in stride, which is why he's such a good friend. So we chatted for awhile while everyone's nerves got over the initial shock, and finally I start helping them pack (they're moving this week). And yeah, it was awkward. It was awkward trying to have an upbeat conversation, while staring at this little girl carrying the baby of my ex-boyfriend while she's sitting on the bed me and him and slept so soundly in together. It was awkward realizing in a painfully realistic moment that now she knows me...now she can put a face to the person who's future she had limited. I wonder if she even feels any remorse. The sad part is that in normal circumstances she would have been rather pretty, and probably a nice girl. But her features were twisted in emotions that I didn't even look to understand. I'm still amazed in my tiredness and drunkeness that I was able to let it all run off my shoulders and act completely normal. I think I'm coming to realize, especially lately, that I am a truly good person after all. I hate myself for a lot of the things I've done in the past few years, but wow, then when I look at all I do for people, all I've sacrificed or been willing to sacrifice...how dare any of you not love me. I mean, really. Hell, today Frankie called and said Becky was in premature labor. And I offered to come down and be with him. So, yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you all. Fuck every man that's left me, thinking there was something better. You have no idea how good you had it with me.

I guess over the next few weeks I want to kinda clear the air in the way, and let go of some of the things I've been holding on to for so long. It's just not worth it anymore.