Sometimes I miss being alone for the simple reason that I'm able to make my decisions solely on my own, instead of being confused and pulled by the people around me. I've got great friends, and I know everyone is giving me advice out of love and doing what's best for me, but I think over the last few weeks my senses of what I need and what is right got drowned out somehow, and that I need to be stronger and keep a better sense of self.
It seems like the few things that are or would make me happy right now are the things that my friends immediately slap me on the nose with a newspaper for. And I totally understand why. But in a way I'm almost kind of missing the opportunity to just fuck things up on my own. Maybe it's just me needing to feel like I'm in control? Like I know things are going to go bad, but maybe if I'm the one that causes it, I don't feel as down because I can blame myself? There's probably some of that in there (though I don't want to think I'm that self-detrimental), but I think I feel this way mostly because there are some times when I think that going against advice is what I should honestly do, and that this time I won't fuck things up...even if no one else sees the potential but me. Maybe I am right after all, and maybe I should take that risk.
There's a chapter in my all time favorite book, where the lead female character (aka Valdyr) goes into the study of her family fortress, and stares up at the portrait of her grandmother whom she admired. Valdyr knows that she's about to embark on a plan that she knows is what she has to do, but means exiling herself from her family and country. "This path before you is the path to honor, no matter if anyone else in the galaxy ever realizes that," is what she tells herself.
Maybe I need to suck it up and put myself at risk one more time for the small chance that there can be some resolution and/or success. Because I would rather get hurt again than go through the rest of my life wondering what I might have missed out on, or gave up on too soon.
Isn't that what I came here for?
It seems like the few things that are or would make me happy right now are the things that my friends immediately slap me on the nose with a newspaper for. And I totally understand why. But in a way I'm almost kind of missing the opportunity to just fuck things up on my own. Maybe it's just me needing to feel like I'm in control? Like I know things are going to go bad, but maybe if I'm the one that causes it, I don't feel as down because I can blame myself? There's probably some of that in there (though I don't want to think I'm that self-detrimental), but I think I feel this way mostly because there are some times when I think that going against advice is what I should honestly do, and that this time I won't fuck things up...even if no one else sees the potential but me. Maybe I am right after all, and maybe I should take that risk.
There's a chapter in my all time favorite book, where the lead female character (aka Valdyr) goes into the study of her family fortress, and stares up at the portrait of her grandmother whom she admired. Valdyr knows that she's about to embark on a plan that she knows is what she has to do, but means exiling herself from her family and country. "This path before you is the path to honor, no matter if anyone else in the galaxy ever realizes that," is what she tells herself.
Maybe I need to suck it up and put myself at risk one more time for the small chance that there can be some resolution and/or success. Because I would rather get hurt again than go through the rest of my life wondering what I might have missed out on, or gave up on too soon.
Isn't that what I came here for?
 | Song of the Day: Concrete - "Stagnating" www.myspace.com/concreteband |
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