He stayed over last night. One of the best nights I've had in a long time, personally. But at what price?
I've talked to a few friends, and most seem to be under the opinion that I was risking nothing, and if anything bad comes from this in regards to him and his girlfriend, that it was his choice, and not my fault. Yeah, I mean, he obviously made a decision, but so did I.
I keep ranting about how I can't find a guy with any integrity, but today was a reality check of where my own level stands.
I told him just the night before that if he told me that he loved her, that I wouldn't push - that I would stay strong even if he got weak. And what happened? We both collapsed under pressure at the very first opportunity. I don't regret it for myself, but I feel like a lousy friend at the moment.
Between me and him things are fine, and it won't happen again (really, this time). But he did go home and tell her what he had done, and I ache on his behalf.
"And I can no more change the world...I can only sink with you
And who are you to say you're innocent...you're guilty too"
I've talked to a few friends, and most seem to be under the opinion that I was risking nothing, and if anything bad comes from this in regards to him and his girlfriend, that it was his choice, and not my fault. Yeah, I mean, he obviously made a decision, but so did I.
I keep ranting about how I can't find a guy with any integrity, but today was a reality check of where my own level stands.
I told him just the night before that if he told me that he loved her, that I wouldn't push - that I would stay strong even if he got weak. And what happened? We both collapsed under pressure at the very first opportunity. I don't regret it for myself, but I feel like a lousy friend at the moment.
Between me and him things are fine, and it won't happen again (really, this time). But he did go home and tell her what he had done, and I ache on his behalf.
"And I can no more change the world...I can only sink with you
And who are you to say you're innocent...you're guilty too"
 | Song of the Day: Disown - "Epitaph" www.disown.cc |
1 Comments:
oh rudolph. too much time spent on closing doors. were you enchanted by the serpent or the applefruit, the opportunity or the temptation, did you fly to him, or did he come for you, and how badly did you want to play in his reindeer games, knowing all the while you're still hiding and seeking and entertaining your feelings in the dark of his wings? and what about her, the spotlight in his life, while you were both covered in the cyclorama, she was on stage holding her heart. and will you ache for her when he breaks the news, breaks her in two? was there not a time where you wore her hurt, knew her heart, knew the ripping, the stripping, the seething and heating, the blood burning while screaming, but your fingertips were cold? (be honest now, last night isn't that old)your friends say that you risked nothing, but would they say the same, about someone who stole your love away?
the question is not, whether you were right or wrong. but the realization of the part you played. You, with surgical precision, became an instrument to cause anguish, chaos, and complication (even if your intentions were pure). And as a weapon of opportunity, you presented yourself to him, to see if he would slip his finger inside the firing pin and squeeze back on the trigger until the hammer fell. and while you both revelled in the excitement of the explosion, the smell of fire, the heat of the metal, you forgot, or neglected or were indifferent, to look where you were aiming. he committed an action; you were the opportunity, the instrument, the accessory. that was your role and responsibility, and you used it how you saw fit, (perhaps in this case by forfeit). whether that was right or wrong, is merely perception and the colour of your conscience.
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