Insecurities
It was like it was yesterday when I was thinking, "Goddammit, I have to wait another two months." And now, it's the day after tomorrow. I try not to get so caught up in these type of things, but it's like some glorious and romantic saga that's preoccupied me for most of the last week or so. It's been eight months. I've been waiting eight months for this.
And true to myself, all my insecurities are surfacing in these last few days. Maybe I should have gone to the gym a bit more often. I wish I could have gotten to the doctor to have my skin fixed up. I probably should wear a different dress.
But thanks to something I just read on Joe's blog, I feel a bit better. I hope that there are enough good things about me that these small failings don't amount to much.
I still don't quite grasp where the point of failure is for me between having friends and having a relationship. For almost all of my life I have had no issue finding and keeping some amazing friends. But as for my relationships...heh...just read my archives. All I can think of is that I can hide a lot of these insecurities well from my friends, but not so much with someone I'm falling in love with. Maybe because of the physical intimacy.
Or maybe because, for once, I'd like to show you who I really am and be loved for that...and not because of what I pretend to be.
Anyways, this weekend was the weekend of photoshoots. I was so glad to be out of that job that I wanted to enjoy myself fully. So I met up with Eye of Ra photography on Friday. He's fairly new with this and hasn't worked much outside of family and friends, but we got a few good pics. We went over to Lake Fairfax park and did some stuff there: gothic stuff in the woods, and then on the bridge and by the lake.
Saturday I did a shoot with a MUA up in Baltimore. She was really nice, and the photographer was amazing! Unfortunately my cd didn't burn right so I don't have the images quite yet, but what I saw on the computer was really cool. I'm gonna go back up and work with him soon.
Last night was my second shoot with Don, and it was sooooooo awesome. He did a pretty good job the first time, but damn, this time it was just on. I did a cool industrial outfit first, then we worked on his mask project. I got a little more free and creative with my make-up job, and they came out soo much better than the first round I did with him. I also worked on his leg project a bit again too, since I had gotten some new shoes and theigh-highs since last time. Afterwards we ordered out Chinese, had some wine, and chilled out in his hot tub. It was awesome. He also ended up giving me a load of free make-up that his supplier had sent him. Like, probably $100 worth. Rock.
Anyways...off to the store to pick up a few things for this week, and then over to SLR for a meeting. Tonight I need to clean up around here a little bit more before I head on home...
And true to myself, all my insecurities are surfacing in these last few days. Maybe I should have gone to the gym a bit more often. I wish I could have gotten to the doctor to have my skin fixed up. I probably should wear a different dress.
But thanks to something I just read on Joe's blog, I feel a bit better. I hope that there are enough good things about me that these small failings don't amount to much.
I still don't quite grasp where the point of failure is for me between having friends and having a relationship. For almost all of my life I have had no issue finding and keeping some amazing friends. But as for my relationships...heh...just read my archives. All I can think of is that I can hide a lot of these insecurities well from my friends, but not so much with someone I'm falling in love with. Maybe because of the physical intimacy.
Or maybe because, for once, I'd like to show you who I really am and be loved for that...and not because of what I pretend to be.
Anyways, this weekend was the weekend of photoshoots. I was so glad to be out of that job that I wanted to enjoy myself fully. So I met up with Eye of Ra photography on Friday. He's fairly new with this and hasn't worked much outside of family and friends, but we got a few good pics. We went over to Lake Fairfax park and did some stuff there: gothic stuff in the woods, and then on the bridge and by the lake.
Saturday I did a shoot with a MUA up in Baltimore. She was really nice, and the photographer was amazing! Unfortunately my cd didn't burn right so I don't have the images quite yet, but what I saw on the computer was really cool. I'm gonna go back up and work with him soon.
Last night was my second shoot with Don, and it was sooooooo awesome. He did a pretty good job the first time, but damn, this time it was just on. I did a cool industrial outfit first, then we worked on his mask project. I got a little more free and creative with my make-up job, and they came out soo much better than the first round I did with him. I also worked on his leg project a bit again too, since I had gotten some new shoes and theigh-highs since last time. Afterwards we ordered out Chinese, had some wine, and chilled out in his hot tub. It was awesome. He also ended up giving me a load of free make-up that his supplier had sent him. Like, probably $100 worth. Rock.
Anyways...off to the store to pick up a few things for this week, and then over to SLR for a meeting. Tonight I need to clean up around here a little bit more before I head on home...
1 Comments:
You just have to be you, and things will work out as they should. Some of us have seen you for who you really are, and had to go our own ways for different reasons. Be strong, have fun, and don't worry about what may come until you start to see the warning signs.
-The Count
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