I hurt. Moving on.

Chilled out today mostly...did some more creative stuff (new photo shoot...yay for beer and paint). Part of it was for an inspiration I had for P9's new banner contest. So...why the hell not?


(I had to stretch it down to not fuck with my blog page, eh. So just click on it.)

Final thought before I go to bed: am I lucky enough that a silly idea could actually happen? Because...I think...there might be a vacation to San Fran in June. Or a "reverse trip" in August. Hmn...sweet dreams... :-)

Song of the Day: Psyclon Nine - "Faith : Disease" www.psyclonnine.com

I'm such a sucker.

adopt your own virtual pet!

So, by freak circumstances, I somehow have managed to have a Saturday off tomorrow. Apparently there's some event in the theatre so we're not doing a show tomorrow night, and I haven't picked up an electrics work call, either. I had hoped to spend some girl bonding time with Corrie, but her company got a last minute business trip to SC, so I have the condo to myself for the weekend. So...what to do, what to do...

I have to take my car in for some maintanence tomorrow, and there are some things around the house I should do. But tomorrow night? Still up to debate, lol. Anyone wanna go for a beer or some such thing? (You know I'm looking at you.)

In other news, I heard unexpectedly from a friend of mine up here that I hadn't seen in a few months. We kinda had a stupid little fight, but things are now clear, so it was really good to hear from him. Friends are good, eh?

On a more unfortunate note, my skin has exploded on me again for no apparent reason. So back to the doctor I go. Not to sound ominous, but if you can keep your fingers crossed that they don't try to hospitalize me this time, because I really can't afford to pass up these work calls this month. Meh. I wish I could be fixed.

Song of the Day: Blutengel - "Bloody Pleasures"

There are very few ways this day could have been better.

First of all, following with a previous post of "who wants to be normal?", I decided that I was going to abandon all pretense of having "normal" hours and just let my work and sleep schedule do whatever the hell it really wants to do...because even though I "should" wake up at a somewhat decent hour (such as 10am-noon at the latest), I know for a fact that I'm MUCH more productive if I go ahead and sleep in till 2 before I get up to go to work, and then stay up here until 5am working on online business. So, that's what I'm doing. And I go sooooooooooooo much done in the last 48 hours, it's unbelievable. I mean...uh...this is one of the reasons I wanted to do theatre anyways, right?

Secondly, one of the bands I work with up and decided to put out their new DVD through me...and this will be in, like, a few weeks. So more money sooner, once all those details get worked out.

Thirdly, have I mentioned that I love Gage? Because I do. It's just the little things - if I wrote exactly what it was that made me like him so much you guys would probably laugh, but damn...this guy is one of the best people I know. I just adore him. This is why I'm in this business; because I meet the best people in the world. I'm so glad he's my friend.

Fourthly, the IM convos tonight have been nothing but luv...for some reason everyone wanted to tell me sweet things tonight, and it's just great. *feels special*

Speaking of IM convos, I also chatted with my bud Adam tonight, and he's going to probably be doing a lot of the graphics for my album and dvd releases for RAM, which is totally awesome. He's an amazing artist...he did my current RAM logo and a lot of banners for Fluffy, so I'm really glad that he's interested.

I got to talk to my old man today, which is always nice. He's always so supportive and cheerful. Miss you, sweetie. :-)

And to conclude...speaking of rockstar crushes... *giggles* Well, all I can say is, I love me a man with a green mohawk, lol...

Song of the Day: Psyclon Nine - "Harlot" www.psyclonnine.com

A very productive day. Got my head focused and cranked out quite a few reviews for RAM. Made a few new profiles on related sites (for example, FindAGoth and Gothopia, which I had really needed to do.) Also did some minor web adjustments, and also spent some much needed time on just adding people on myspace. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it, eh? In any case, it feels good to be getting caught up. I need to go ahead and just require myself to spend a few hours every few days on such things, so that I don't keep getting behind because of my theatre jobs.

I was told the other day that I am intimidating. Specifically, because of me owning a record label / music promotion business and only being 23. I was also told something similiar a few years ago because of the way that I walk and carry myself. Thoughts, opinions? It came as kind of a shock (kinda like the anger management comment I got about a year ago) because I always thought of myself as being (and naturally, appearing) very compassionate and loving.

I'm basically getting on this huge kick about perception and misconceptions at the moment...both in trying to understand why things are going badly with me vs. my family, friends, and relationships; and also in trying to re-educate myself on not being narrow-minded and only reading my version of things into other people.

I painted my fingernails a metallic hot pink for this week, and it reminded me of Fluffy. Dammit, I am becoming a girl, aren't I? Lol. :-)

Song of the Day: Defy - "Happiness Wasn't Meant For Me" www.defy.com

I love Mike. He's just about the best friend anyone could have. It's like I kind of rediscover this everytime we hang out...I don't know why it always hits me like this, but he's just a genuinely good person. He makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and after a night of talking to him - no matter how bad any given situation is - I always feel like there's a bit more peace and hope in my life.

Tonight was great for me, honestly. I went out with the intention of "crying in my beer" as usual, but that didn't happen. I think something in me broke yesterday. Like I finally get it. I don't know, I could be full of it, and I could feel just as bad tomorrow as I did yesterday afternoon...but today when I woke up, I felt free. I didn't feel crushed or deminished. Today I woke up and did something for ME. It was great.

I did a watercolor portrait of Josef this afternoon. Partly because he's my rockstar crush, and partly because he's got a really enticing picture up on his myspace profile. I've been wanting to do it for a long time, and after me wondering the other day if my creativity was gone, I figured today was the day to find out.

Nope. It came out great. Even considering: 1) I did not use watercolor paper, I just tore a page out of my sketchbook, 2) I didn't even attempt to stretch that beforehand, and 3) I haven't touched a paintbrush smaller than 2 inches (well, aside from my fitches for faux finishing) in over 2 years. I might scan it / take a pic of it and post it sometime in the near future.

But anyways, back to my night with Mike. We went to KP's - where I haven't been in forever - and we talked about everything that was going both right and wrong in our respective lives and got each other's opinions. I know I've written this before, but one of my favorite things about him is how he always seems to even me out, and I feel like I gain a more realistic impression of things because of his input. Ironically tonight, everything he was telling me about himself really ended up being a mirror of myself in the past, so I feel like I gained a lot of insight about myself through his problems tonight, and not so much mine. Which is cool regardless, and I needed that.

Before I head to bed, I would like to kind of open up about one more thing. Yes, there is a new boy interest. I like him. I think he likes me too, though sometimes I'm not too sure. In any case, he's fun to talk to, and I feel at ease around him. He's intelligent and creative. I don't get to see him much, but I hope that changes once his schedule evens out. I guess there's not much else to say...other than, well, I was thinking of you.

ADD #1: Jacob, it was nice talking to you today for the first time in, what, 3 months? Hehehe...*cutes* :-)

ADD #2: My friend Stephen has some fairly amusing pictures of me on his myspace profile. For some reason me + alcohol + Stephen = stupid photos. So if you would like to see me doing "the flying squirrel" in the middle of the beer aisle in the Salem Wal-mart at 2am with Stephen and Joe, well, now you know where to find it. All I'm gonna say is, hey...it was my birthday. I do what I want.

Song of the Day: The Birthday Massacre - "Broken" www.nothingandnowhere.com

J.P.W. King: "I love you! Fuck you! I love you! Fuck you!"
- a real honest-to-god line from the play, and it is so fitting.

Not only am I going to Gage's workplace sometime in the near future just so we can scream that at each other for shits and giggles, but it kind of describes life in general at the moment, though maybe not as dramatic (for once).

Today was a two show day, which gave me plenty of time to contemplate just about anything and everything while wasting away in a cold dark room for 6 hours. So this entry is going to include a lot of stuff that probably won't seem in any way connected to anything else.

The first thing I'm going to write about is how I'm not going to write about the first thing that I'm thinking. How's that for a tongue-twister? Seriously though, with both the amount of people that read this, and my own wish to not come across as throwing myself a pity party, I'll just say that if I took the time to try to write out my feelings at the moment, it would just amount to emotional masturbation, and like real masturbation - you should just keep it to yourself.

On the flip side of that, thanks to Gage for listening to everything that I mentioned in the above paragraph, and not flinching when I broke down and sobbed on your knee in the booth this afternoon. It's been a good few months since I've been able to just TELL someone the things that float through my mind, and it was nice to hear a new perspective on some of my problems. It helped a lot.

There's another line in the play that basically says "who wants to be normal?" And on the drive home, I realized I don't want to be normal. Normal isn't interesting. Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way, and should just embrace my insanities. They aren't really that bad, in the end.

Song of the Day: Heretics In The Lab - "Personal Apocalypse" www.hereticsinthelab.com

Because I care about you far too much to be that lousy of a friend again. :-(

"Sometimes I get so lonely I could-"

Song of the Day: NIN - "All The Love In The World" www.nin.com

Over the past few weeks I've had some little reminders about things in my past - good things, mind you...like how much time I used to spend drawing and painting back in school. Partly because Corrie is starting to pick that back up again, and partly because I'm spending more time with another one of my friends who is a very talented artist as well. So I dug through a few boxes, and found my sketchbook from college. Not the theatre one, the real one - the one where I drew in when I wasn't paying attention in class, or the one I drew in when I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I needed to get it out (this is before I started writing music myself).

Damn, where has all of my creativity gone in these last two years? I was really shocked by some of my own inspiration back then, and I wonder now if I could produce the same level of work. Maybe I was just more "in touch" with my creative side when I was surrounded by theatre and design all day every day back then, or maybe I'm just not giving myself enough credit for the work I put into my music business stuff now...now that it's just in a different form. But in any case, what really got to me wasn't the art.

It was my old script.

I had incorporated a lot of the lines from my play into my artwork. (If you've seen my ink drawings, a lot of it has hidden - or not so hidden - messages in the scroll work, or sometimes I used the words themselves to make the image.) In any case, it was very strong and strange to see those words again after having not touched that project since my junior year.

"At least I feel things. That's how I know I'm not already dead."

I think maybe it's time to finish this story. It might help things.

Moving on. Theatre was annoying today. I woke up feeling rather sick, so I dragged myself in to find two lights out - and no, neither were simple lamp issues. One light is completely toasted from what I can tell, so I had to pull that out and readjust some others to cover that area (strip lights on a cyc...yay). Then the other was a cable issue, so I had fun crawling under the stage, behind the fly rail, across the balcony, etc. to find the problem (because we can't just plug lights into dimmers that are nearby).

Chris, I'm sorry I missed your phone call. For some reason I thought you said May 21st, and not April. Because Easter weekend is in May, apparently. I'm an idiot, I know.

In conclusion, if anyone would like Scott Bakula's autograph, let me know. I might be working out at the gym with him sometime next week.

Song of the Day: Collide - "Crushed" www.collide.net

*stretch*

Mnn, I need to get more sleep, lol. Last night was good, though kinda rough...first of all, it was Colleen's last night at Alchemy with me since she's heading off to Akron on Saturday. Then, our friend Nikki got really sick so we spent more time helping her in the bathroom. Also, there was some wierdness involving the old boyfriend, but it sounds today like that worked out too. So just a crazy night all around, though lots of fun things too. They actually had a good dj for one set that I really enjoyed. I also had two - attractive - guys flirt with me, so that was nice for once, lol.

Something else also happened over the course of the day that is kinda of worrying me now. I think I hurt one of my friends without realizing it, though nothing could be done about it regardless. I guess it's just nice to know that you care about me enough to not want to see me get hurt again... :/

Song of the Day: 51 Peg - "Rest Of Us" www.51peg.com

I redyed my hair. I really wanted to do something crazy this time, since I've completely forsaken the corporate world, but I couldn't make a decision. I thought about black with neon green stripes. I thought about midnight blue. Finally, I just did my usual burgundy, because it was easy. Next time...

I painted my nails to match, so I should be all ready for Alchemy tomorrow. I think me and Colleen (and possibly Corrie?) are going to go all out and try to get the attention of some more photographers this time, lol. My outfit basically consists of my corset and little else. Heh, heh...alllllriiiiight.

That's really about it. Oh, and my ovaries hurt.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Guilt Trip" www.disown.cc

Talked to my old man today, finally! It was good to hear his voice, and nice to know I still have someone who cares about me, even if he's not here. *cuddles*

Didn't get around to the screen today. I tried, but I haven't really been feeling well. So I got caught up on some online work today instead.

EDIT: *smiles*

Today was very productive. Since I was kind of a slacker last week, I made it a point to wake up at a decent time today and get some things done. I painted our focus wall (royal blue, to match our furniture in the living room) and mounted the projector. Tomorrow I'll be putting up the screen (thanks to some good advice from Lee) and will hook everything up. So damn exciting. I will post pictures once it's all done.

I also spent part of the day updating my calendar. In the month of May, I have work calls all month minus about 5 days. I can officially say I've made it. I'm financially sound. I never had to ask my parents for money, and I never will. I'm awesome.

Me and Corrie had a good girls night in for a few hours tonight, and that was great. I hate that we don't see each other much, but it's always so much fun when we do find times when our schedules align. Because there's plenty of wine and King Of The Hill to go around.

Finally...as usual...I'm stuck in the land of uncertainty. I still don't know what's going on (either.) *sigh*

"Roses and wishes all mean nothing when it's me that I'm speaking to."

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Under My Feet" www.celldweller.com

Due to popular demand:

Me and my bud Colleen at Alchemy the other night. You miss out on her pvc outfit and my plastic cargo pants at this angle, but it's a cute picture of us, especially since she's going away to summer stock in Akron. But that just gives me a valid excuse to go see Disown and In Winter all throughout the summer. :-)

Today was soooooooooooooooooooo long. After working off of 3 hours of sleep, I dragged myself out of bed and went in to DC. Everyone had a long night last night, apparently, so we were quite the land of the living dead. And doing a 3 hour show - twice - was not fun. The only good parts of the day consisted of Gage introducing me to a neat little deli that serves a wide variety of cultural food (including Indian) which is where we grabbed a bite before the first performance, and then afterwards we all had our own version of Easter dinner with some nice deli sandwiches before the second one. So even though we were stuck in a dark humid room all damn day, we still pigged out like you're supposed to on holidays.

In any case, for more of a real update on the last few days...the party at Strangeland was ok. They were winding down by the time I got off work unfortunately, but it seems like things went well. Then last night I met up with Joe after work for dinner and such, which was cool. He's a crazy conversationalist. During dinner he mentioned a very bizarre movie he had seen recently, and it just so happened when we got back to his place, it was on tv. So we watched that. I think it was called Storytelling - it was very wierd, yet kind of amusing. After that we put in some good 'ol Futurama, and then the next thing I knew it was almost 5am...

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "I Believe You" www.celldweller.com

Hung out with Joe last night. Didn't get home until 5am. (Giggidy.)

Two shows today. Would die if it weren't for Easter dinner in between.

More later.

The last 12 hours or so have been pretty much great, which is always nice. The show last night went ok...there were some problems, but on the other hand, it was pay day. In this last pay period, I made $810, before taxes. Allllriiiight. So that made my day, and afterwards I headed over to Alchemy as usual.

This week Strangeland set up a booth to promote, so that was killer - it looks like they got a lot of people stopping by. Plus I got to hang out with Joe most of the evening - he's a freakin' amazing dancer - so that was awesome. Me and Colleen stayed out there waaay too late, but had a blast. I didn't get home until 4am.

Today is Gage's birthday, so I'm getting ready to run to the store and pick him up some cookies, lol. Today may also include a run to a porn shop, since I think that's what he really wants to do, and I'm the only one chill enough to go with him, hahaha. So this afternoon should be interesting regardless.

Tonight after the show Strangeland is having a party, so I'll go and hang out with those guys again. Good times.

In completely unrelated news, I just got an email from my mom this morning. They just got back from Duke where they were performing some more tests, and word is now that she does NOT have a degenerative brain disease after all, but is just still very weak from her spinal injuries, and that it's just going to take some time for her to heal. So that's a huge weight off of everyone...

EDIT: I also forgot to mention that finally, after several months of going to Alchemy, me and Colleen finally managed to capture the attention of one of the fetish photographers that come around every week. So there's a nice pic of me and her on Mr. Sideshow Bob's site this morning. Hehehe, good times.

Song of the Day: Yveline - A Concrete Place www.myspace.com/yveline

So things are at peace again. Things between me and my friend are good; we hung out tonight after work (this time to IHOP for brownie sundays...much less of a temptation than at a bar for beer, lol.) and talked about stuff. Did the obligatory "Are you ok?" "Yeah I'm fine." convo, and concluded this week's incident. I am really glad that things between him and his girl are ok, and that me and him can be friends without it being awkward. We joked and laughed like we had always done (dirty-minded theatre techs that we are) so I feel very happy and resolved right now.

In other news, I spoke too soon in regards to Sean. I guess I figured after almost 3 weeks of not speaking that the avoidance was mutual, but he messaged me today. So...damn. *sigh*

I was talking to one of my new buds up here, Gage, and though he doesn't know me very well, he does know a bit about some of my more recent relationships and my tendency to give out love in difficult situations. So he knows the basics about the whole Sean deal, so when I mentioned the message I got today, he looked at me and said "Maybe now it's time you stopped putting yourself out on a limb for these people. I know you gotta do what you think is right, but I know that I'd sleep better at night knowing you weren't doing this." First of all, awww. :-) Secondly, sometimes I think that too, but speaking of sleeping better at night...I still hold that no matter how screwed up some of these situations get, I still sleep much better than I imagine most people do, because I can go to bed at night with a clear conscious, probably at least 95% of the time. I think that's pretty damn good. And to me, that's still one of the things that matters most in my life.

The ideal would be to meet a guy who had no situation that would require me going out on a limb for him in the first place. :-)

In conclusion, I would like to say that one of my favorite things about my friend Chris is that he always seems to send me an email in response to my blogging at the times when things seem to hit their peak, lol. And that he always manages to say things that both help me stay strong, and make me smile. So thanks. *hugs*

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Integrity" www.myspace.com/concreteband

Today was a wierd day. I'm going to attribute most of my foul mood to being tired, overworked, and PMS, but there are a few things lately that are irritating me.

First though, I had fun at the Congo demo today. Though this new console is going to make everything we know about ETC programming obsolete. Over the last few years there have been two types of boards: conventionals and intelligents. Lots of boards will run both, but none of them did both well. So the Congo has been redesigned to do both with ease, but in order to work with both styles and attributes, the syntax and thought process is COMPLETELY changed. It's like making the grammer reorganization when you switch from English to Latin. When we talk, we have a subject/verb/object agreement, whereas in Latin sentences go in subject/object/verb agreement. In the same way, on your average ETC board, when you wanna bring channels 1 through 5 at full, you type Channel 1 Thru 5 AT Full. On this board, to do the same thing, you now type 1 Channel 5 Thru At Level At Level. Yeah. Freakin wierd. But I do see how much easier it is to program both intelligents and conventionals now...especially with the annihilation of the term "cue" and instead creating stacks that are completely independent of time restraints. Gah. My head is still spinning.

Anyways. Back to the original rant. I know that I'm kinda lousy about keeping in touch with people, but really. If I keep leaving you messages, and if you keep ignoring me, you're gonna wake up one day and realize I've been gone for five years, and that everything we had was for nothing. And yes, this is directed at multiple people. I'm so tired of having both relationships and friendships with people who just don't give a shit about anyone else.

I'm also kinda frustrated with some business stuff. Sometimes I get the impression that the things I say go in one ear and out the other. Starting to have some complications with one project, with a bunch of "you never told me that!" when I have about three messages documenting the same conversations. I mean, this is some really strange stuff going on here...can't go into details honestly, but what the hell?

Song of the Day: Disown - "Beautifully Sickening" www.disown.cc

Today was a very productive day. After catching up on some much needed sleep, I got the final paperwork done for my new job at the Alden Theatre in McLean, so hopefully I'll start getting calls there soon. Soooo much closer than DC, and they've got a different range of productions (they're more of a roadhouse than a producing theatre) as well as equipment (they're a Strand house, whereas I think everyone in DC is ETC). So that's very exciting.

I ran to the bank (depositing a bunch of checks all at once makes my account look so nice), did my taxes (really just payed a bunch of checks that my dad's CPA told me to pay), and dropped a lot of stuff off at the post office, mainly for RAM and Strangeland promotion. Caught up on some emails, got some online work done, then Corrie came home. With the help of her mom and boyfriend, we knocked out painting most of the living room (got everything done except the blue wall, which I may tackle tomorrow), put together my oriental screen, and hung some pictures and lanterns. It's looking damn nice. Sometime - hopefully next Monday - I'll mount the projector and screen, and get all of that wired up. Our place is gonna be so hot.

I had been trying to hang out with Mike sometime this week...had originally tried for tonight but housework had to take precedence, but I miss not talking to him. Especially with as crazy as things are going right now, and even though in general I feel ok, I think I could really use a good "crying over my beer" night, hehehe.

Tomorrow should be fun. Shakespeare is hosting a demo for the new Congo lighting consol that ETC is releasing, so I'm going to that. Then I may or may not be covering the board op position at Theatre J tomorrow night...haven't heard back yet. So, should be an easy and different day regardless.

Thursday is the Lye / 51 Peg show. I don't know if I can make it in time since our show lets out so late, and I have to go all the way to Baltimore, but we'll see.

Friday Strangeland is having a party, so I'm gonna try to hit that - again, provided that I can get over there in time. I love doing theatre, but damn, it really limits my social life sometimes, lol.

Song of the Day: Razed In Black - "Erotica" www.razedinblack.net

He stayed over last night. One of the best nights I've had in a long time, personally. But at what price?

I've talked to a few friends, and most seem to be under the opinion that I was risking nothing, and if anything bad comes from this in regards to him and his girlfriend, that it was his choice, and not my fault. Yeah, I mean, he obviously made a decision, but so did I.

I keep ranting about how I can't find a guy with any integrity, but today was a reality check of where my own level stands.

I told him just the night before that if he told me that he loved her, that I wouldn't push - that I would stay strong even if he got weak. And what happened? We both collapsed under pressure at the very first opportunity. I don't regret it for myself, but I feel like a lousy friend at the moment.

Between me and him things are fine, and it won't happen again (really, this time). But he did go home and tell her what he had done, and I ache on his behalf.

"And I can no more change the world...I can only sink with you
And who are you to say you're innocent...you're guilty too"

Song of the Day: Disown - "Epitaph" www.disown.cc

Well, things are worked out, at least. Long story short, he is indeed attracted to me too, but isn't available. So we're friends, things are cool, life goes on. And you know, that's ok. Because I do get the feeling that he could become a best friend easily if I let him, and really, isn't that more of what I need right now? Wasn't I just telling my big brother and my old man this week that I just don't want to be isolated anymore? Really, that's what I should be aiming for to begin with.

*sigh*

I also just read something on myspace that made me vaguely uneasy. Maybe I'm a little too sure of myself to think that blog might be about me...that one of my friends might have fallen for me without me really realizing it, but there were several things that made me wonder if he was really talking about me...

To close up another story, it's been a couple of weeks now since I've talked to Sean. I even told him this then, but I think this whole situation is just another prime example of how I seem to be good at short encounters with people, and then go on. Of course, I never expected anything to come out of our situation after what happened, but in a way it's kinda of disappointing with the lack of a glorious ending. Not that I miss him, or anything like that. But when two people go through something hugely traumatic like this, there is a bond there, no matter how badly you may not want it to be. In essence, when I forgave him and said I'd try to help him, we pretty much agreed on going on some sort of journey together. I even told at least one person that I think that because I was the one he hurt that that made me in some ways the best person to help him. So I guess I'm disappointed (though not surprised) that now that things have calmed down - and that I've essentially let him off the hook - that there is no more hint at change in him. However, I don't think he'll ever do this again. I think, at the very least, he does realize the directions I COULD have taken, and he knows he got lucky. Not to put myself on a pedistal, but he knows I pulled his nuts out of the fire, literally and figuratively. I hope he knows this, anyways. But what really got to me as time got on is that the more me and him talked, the more convinced I became of his lack of integrity and his overwhelming concern about social appearance. And I told him that, straightfoward. So, I hope that maybe one days he figures out what I'm talking about, and cuts the "nice guys finish last" bullshit, because guess what? You're not a nice guy, Sean.

Business is going well, even though I've been too busy to do much more than read emails. I have another band interested in the label, thanks to Cynergy 67 being so excited about being on board. :-) And one of the largest bands I work with may end up on the comp. That would be awesome. So more on those as they develop.

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Under My Feet" www.celldweller.com

Well I'm a fucking idiot.

So things had been going well. I told Corrie the other night that I was gonna bite the bullet and ask this guy out for a drink after rehearsal; didn't get get up the nerve to at the time, but I did get the chance to drop him off at home (since he takes the Metro and we get out too late usually for him to catch the last train). So that was cool...then tonight, the same story, only we did indeed agree to grab a drink and some munchies before going home. So things are fabulous...he directs me to another part of town where the good bars are, and apparently most of the theatre crowd hangs out. We run into two of his friends from Shakes, and have a great time. Of course, you guys know me...you give me a beer or two and my shyness disappears. He pays even though I offer to cover my half, etc. Afterwards we head on, and the car ride is great, including plenty of flirting that has been building up most of the day, and for most of the week for that matter. But somehow something goes wrong. We had last week made tentative plans to go to Alchemy tomorrow night together, and then earlier this week we were making some jokes about me getting hit on whenever I go there. So basically we're talking about tomorrow, and he says something along the lines of "I do wanna go, but I also don't wanna get in the way of whoever you might meet and go home with, because I don't wanna miss that story." I about slam on my brakes thinking, wow, do you really think I'm a whore - and say about the equivalent. He immediately apologizes, but I'm completely thrown, and we're just about back to his place. So I try to laugh it off and say I'm not offended, and when I stop the car I forget to unlock his door (which I had done last night by accident, too) so we joke again about "me wanting to keep him in the car" and me being the idiot that I am and completely forgetting the huge convo atom bomb we just had about 30 seconds earlier, I say something along the lines of "well, you're gonna have to offer your body to me to get out" so he hesitantly gives me his arm, and I tell him that's a start (really reaching for this wanted kiss now, eh?) and he immediately unlocks the door and gets out, without turning back.

So I feel like a prize fool. Again. Maybe I should actually listen when my mom tells me no one wants to date me.

So I guess I go to work and apologize tomorrow for misunderstanding his intentions and for putting him on the spot, but really...what the hell? I stood in the shower for awhile tonight looking back on this week, and dammit, I wasn't pulling at strings here. What the hell would he have thought I would have imagined? But I guess he's just one of those guys who is both really friendly and really flirtatious...and everyone got the memo but me.

So the silverfish guess was close, but after some careful research thanks to www.whatsthatbug.com, I've identified our scurrying freak bug:



Meet the house centipede. Apparently this is the black snake of insects...they look scary, but actually eat everything else that's worse; so if we put up with them, we'll be spider and roach free. Eh. I'd rather be free of everything, but I'll take it.

Anyways, off to another glorious day of tech rehearsal. Cute boy gave me another back rub yesterday, lol. :-)

This is going to be a series of short statements type of entry.

So I'm pretty sure Hottie McHotalot likes me, too. *giggles and grins* Today he started doing the whole thing where he touches me on the back lightly whenever he walks by. My old man used to do that when he first started flirting with me. He also gave me a backrub today unexpectedly. Hehehe...alllriiiiiiiiight.

Tech continues to go well. I mean, it's still hell week, but this has been the least stressful tech time I've been in in years - possibly ever. So, rock on.

I went and checked my PO box for the first time in about two weeks and had an overflowing amount of press packs, which rocks. Yay for becoming more popular AND for getting some new tunes to listen too.

Fluffy and the gang started mixing today apparently, so that rocks like nothing else does. :-D

Our apartment is apparently becoming home to those creepy multi-legged runs-way-too-damn-fast bug thingies that we had in the theatre back home that scare me. Nothing that small should be able to move that fast. I don't know what they are, but they creep me out. Corrie's pet peeve is spiders...mine are these freaks. I woke up this morning with one on my wall next to my bed. This is why living on the ground floor sometime can suck. I'm buying industrial bug spray on my way home from work tomorrow.

Song of the Day: Cum - "Ex" www.vanity-beach.com