One of the bad side effects of being sick is that I get even more easily irritated than normal. So here's a current list of irritants:

People bitching that they're not on / been taken off of my top 8 on myspace - My friend Joe said the whole top 8 feature was one of their worst ideas, and I think he's right. My god, are we back in high school again? It's my profile(s); I'll do whatever the hell I want with them. Just because you're not on there doesn't mean you're not my friend anymore or that I don't support your band as much as the others. It just means that there are 8 spaces I get to rotate several thousand people through at my leisure. And yes some of them are permanent fixtures there...both for personal and professional decisions that I don't have to justify. Cut the damn drama.

People who IM me every goddamn time I log on - I'll be blunt...I use IM more as an answering machine these days then an actual mode of communication. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. If I say I'm in the shower...or at the store...or drinking...chances are that's exactly what I'm doing and no I won't answer, so stop trying to make conversation. Also, no one has so much to tell me that we've gotta talk every day. Not trying to be anti-social here, but I'm really damn busy and I really don't have time for "hey, what's up?" convos every five minutes.

Stupid rap/folk/indie/deathmetal/whatever bands that add me and want me to listen to their music when it says in three different places that I do goth/industrial only - I already hate you and your music because your method of promotion is sloppy and disinterested if you don't even read to see who you're messaging.

People who continue to call and leave messages - once is enough, I'll call you back when I'm not sleeping or at work.

Whew. I feel better now. So anyways, I've been working today mostly on the new RAM site. The new articles section is almost finished, and I did some work on the links page and updated the look for the forum and myspace page to match. Good times.

I haven't been to the doctor yet. They were closed Monday, and then I may have found an alternative way to deal with this. So I'm giving this a shot for another day or two to see if I might have found the answer. So far...there is indeed improvement.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Lazy Boy" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

First order of business: my hair is now bright neon pink. It's the hotness. Pictures will be taken and posted soon. Oh, and while I'm thinking about that, I may have yet another photo shoot this weekend, too. More on that as it develops.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I've decided after a very rough few days that I can't avoid the doctor anymore, so I'm going in tomorrow. I'm really worried, honestly, that they're gonna freak out when they see how bad it is this time and I'll land in the hospital. Which is why I waited; I've got all of this week off. So, cross your fingers, pray, etc. I don't feel good.

Something I've noticed over the last few days in a variety of mediums: myspace, blogs, and message boards, is that there are people who are bitching because their writings are "private" - they don't want their journals reposted, or strangers reading it, lurkers, etc. Here's a concept:

It's the FUCKING INTERNET.

If you want to keep something to yourself, do it the old fashioned way and pick up a pen and a composition book. I mean, I write here mainly for my own amusement and for you - my dear close friends - to keep up. But I also know (though am sometimes surprised by) how many strangers come through here, and how many of the people I work with - be it theatre coworkers, musicians, past areas of employment, etc - find this. So you just have to keep that in mind. I never write anything here that I won't stand behind. And every entry is with the idea that my Mommy could find this, lol.

Speaking of old-fashioned journals, when I went home this past week, I picked up my old ones from middle/high school. I read through a few pages, and landed on one entry that always vividly stands out as a turning point in my life. It's one I'm already including in my yet-to-be-finished play, and I'll probably post here soon whenever I don't feel lazy and want to type it out. Needless to say, it's both a source of pride for myself to have found strength that day, but also kind of scary to see these words come out of a 13 year old's head. I was fucking nuts back then. I mean, it wasn't my fault with the circumstances I was give...but looking back on myself through an adult's eyes - I can understand why everyone saw me as so volatile and dangerous.

"I am a car crash - you won't survive."

Song of the Day: Heretics In The Lab - "Car Crash" www.hereticsinthelab.com

So since most people are either busy or I haven't been able to be in touch with them, I'm staying in tonight. Though feel free to call me in the next two hours if anyone has a change of heart. ;-)

Today was good; I closed out my PO box here...that was kind of the last little peice of my existance here. Everything is now based out of Ashburn now. I also went to the thrift store because I really need new work pants. Didn't find work pants really, but I did find two new pairs of plain black pants...and I can always use those. So that was nice.

I was hoping to have lunch with my old man today but I haven't heard from him? If you're reading this and you wanna try on Friday just call me. :-)

Tonight my dad took us out to dinner for my mom's birthday. So it was nice to have a really high class dinner again, lol. No ramen for me.

Tomorrow I'll be going over to VW regardless to say hi to everyone. Then I'll be going to see my grandma with my mom. Might try a bit more shopping before I head home.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but I have a photo shoot with a fairly well known photographer next month. It's nice to be in a big city where I can take advantage of open calls like that. So that's really exciting...it's something I always wanted to try, so we'll see how it goes. Plus...it's a paying gig. Allriiight.

I do have to say though that everytime I come back here it's a slap in the face reminder of why I left. God, I am sooooooo much happier up north. The difference is very noticable.

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Frozen" www.celldweller.com

And the summer dies off...

I've been working non-stop all this month, but today, finally, was virtually my last day of electrics calls for awhile. I'm going home tomorrow for my mom's birthday and will be in town until Friday afternoon, so Salem/Roanoke/Blacksburg people - hit me up. I do have calls this weekend again (and a show - Plumb in Baltimore since I missed her tonight and Vienna), then the entirity of next week off. So expect a lot on the RAM front - I'll be taking the site offline (well, sizing to a stripped-down version) this week in order to redo a few things and get ready for the RAM comp and Cynergy 67's releases. And maybe a few other surprises that I'm still working on. ;-)

I'll also get caught up on all the messages this week, I swear.

Next month will be pretty tame. I do have 3-4 calls each week up at Olney, so that's not too bad. It's a pretty drive, anyways. It looks like in July I'll be back at Woolly for a short period of time running board for their part in the Fringe festival, and then August is maintance at Shakes and a few other places. Rock on. So I at least have a somewhat steady stream of cash through August already.

Middle of June I will be going to Ohio to visit Colleen as planned - I talked to her today in between calls and we're planning a big weekend...concerts, goth clubs, and all. Yay! I'm also toying around with the possibility of heading to Toronto and see if I can work in a show with EB and Delica and a few others in the area.

So I guess that's all there is for awhile...looking forward to having someone else cook/pay for dinner for the next few days, lmao.

Song of the Day: Celldweller - "Switchback" www.celldweller.com

I think I figured out tonight that my self-defeatist attidude in relationships is because I can't accept the fact that someone can care about me based on my physical condition. So no matter what happens, I will always doubt the guy's intentions. Because I hate my own skin so much myself, I can't get past it.

Now that I've figured this out, finally, I can do something to change it.

Song of the Day: Heretics In The Lab - "Car Crash" www.hereticsinthelab.com

*stretch* Not too bad of a work call today - we got the plot hung ahead of schedule, so we spent the remainder of the call playing with gel. I love lighting gel. I want to get a job where all I do is play with lighting gel.

I got a friends request today on myspace from one of the most offensive people I've yet to encounter on there. Sure, I get the "I'm looking for hot babes!" ones all the times, but this one was some white supremisist dude. WTF?

I just read on Fluffy's blog that the cd has been mixed. Best news I've heard all week!

Tonight I'm gonna chill out and catch up on some RAM work. Joe is having a b-day party, so I'll probably swing by there for a bit later on and have a beer and take in some Futurama.

Song of the Day: Hatred Hurt Itself - "The White Space Method" www.myspace.com/hatredhurtitself

So as hinted at before, I did indeed win P9's banner contest, lol. So that's pretty awesome. I'm now in their top 8 on their myspace profile, which gets around 1,000 plays a day. Rock on.

Crazy night shifts are over for now...it was awesome working out at the ampitheatre, but I was getting a little tired of all the pollen and rain, hehe. And it was nice spending some time with my Gage again...I love having a friend who is so fun and affectionate. Sometimes a good hug is all you need. *snuggles and loves*

This weekend will be busy...lots of work calls. I may or may not have one tomorrow, however - we found out last night that the ME at WM, Sarah, is in the hospital with some heart problems. So that was sudden and kinda scary. I hope she's ok.

Anyways, off on some errands...

Song of the Day: Psyclon Nine - "INRI" www.psyclonnine.com

I'm an aunt.

Or something. I forgot to mention this, but Corrie got a puppy. Cute!

I made more money today than I did all last week. Because I thought working 3 electrics calls was a good idea.

Gage was at work today! Yay! I missed my partner in dirty thinking.

I worked at Olney yesterday, and it was cool. I should have work from them all during June now, so that's another month taken care of.

I miss a beautiful rockstar. On the flip side, I just got a message from Marshall about their banner contest... *smiles*

Song of the Day: Psyclon Nine - "The Feeding" www.psyclonnine.com

The show last night was awesome! Wow, did I need that. Getting to Baltimore was absurdly painless - I was terrified after had difficult it had been when me and Jacob went to go see 51 Peg and Celldweller a few years ago, but it seems I've finally broken the secret code to all the I95's. I got there early in order to secure close parking, and ended up chatting with this awesome woman, Eileen, who I spent a great deal of the night with. She was a lot of fun, and I hope when I get older I can be that cool still. The show itself was fabulous as always...it was great seeing everyone again, and the songs were just killer. They played several new(er) songs, and I can't wait for the new album. Sounds like they might start recording soon, too.



I got a few other ok photos, but most of them came out all sorts of pixelated and amber-shifted...damn nothing-but-red gel. I wish I could get a job where clubs would consult me about proper lighting, lol. Maybe I could market that idea.

Song of the Day: 51 Peg - "Rest Of Us (live)" www.51peg.com

Mnn, lots of goodness over the last few days.

First of all, after the thrill of chatting with Josef on Tuesday, guess who calls yet again on Wednesday? *smiles* Didn't talk for as long this time since it was late and I had to work early the next day, but it was awesome regardless. "I just wanted to say hi..." Aww, cuteness!

Work on Thursday kinda sucked, but only because it was pouring down rain so we all got soaked while working at the ampitheatre. We called it a day early, but it still took me way too long to get home due to rush hour crap. However, once I got home Corrie coerced me into returning to DC for Alchemy; this week they had it at The Edge instead of Nation, which is where they used to host it back in the day, apparently. So that was interesting, and I did enjoy getting some dance time in.

I had Friday off, so I was a bum. Fabulous.

Today I'm getting caught up on emails and messages, and getting ready to head over to Baltimore in a bit to see 51 Peg play. I'm soooo ready for this show! I haven't been to a concert since P9 rolled through. Way too long.

Let's see...oh yes, big brother sent me and Corrie presents this week, which was sweet! He found us these pretty decorative scarves in Hawaii, so we have them out in the living room now. Thanks Jeremiah! *kiss*

Also, I'm heading up to Ohio for a weekend next month to see Colleen and catch a Disown show. So that's gonna rock! It seems I manage to make it up that way this time every year, eh? Lol...good times...

Song of the Day: Disown - "Far Away From Here" www.disown.cc

I'm so overwhelmed...in the best sense possible.

Finally, a day off! While work has been great, it was so nice to have crazy-ish evening last night, and a lazy day today.

Me and Corrie broke open a bottle of wine and had a chill time, and later invited our friend Daniel over who we hadn't seen in awhile. So much fun was had by all...

In the meantime, my phone rings, (somewhere in heaven God is smiling down on me for once) and it's none other than my rockstar crush. How lucky am I, really? It was so awesome...we chatted for several hours, to the point where I had to plug my phone into the charger while I was talking so that my battery wouldn't die, lol. It was great...I love when I can meet someone that I can just converse so easily with even though you may not know the other that well. Though I think we got to know each other a little better last night, and all I can say is, damn, why does he have to live on the other side of the nation? So many little things in common...*sigh* Ah well, I'm still enjoying myself regardless.

Oh, before I forget, I'm coming back to Roanoke the 24th-26th. So plan ahead.

Anyways, I'm off to the bank, the grocery store, and probably the Verizon phone store to see about a new one...

(PS - I'm not ignoring your email, I'm just thinking about what to say. Sorry for my inexusable preference to just write vaguely in my blog about it instead of coming to you directly... *shrugs*)

Song of the Day: Collide - "Euphoria" www.collide.net

We just talked on the phone for almost three hours. It's been so long since I've felt this connected to anyone.

When I came up here I imagined trying many new and amazing things in this fast and fabulous lifestyle.

I did not, however, forsee myself peeing in an empty Subway cup while at a standstill in the middle of 28.

If you saw the news today, you might have heard about a police station shooting in Fairfax county. If I had only left DC about 2 minutes earlier I would have missed the police baricade, but no...instead, I was stuck with several other thousand people in the middle of nowhere while a massive manhunt was on in our general area. Up until this point the day had been pretty good...got one good email, one not so good one this morning, but work went easily and we all went up and got sushi afterwork. So the deal is, I'm on this health kick about drinking more water, since it helps my skin and since I'm working outside in the sun quite a bit. I feel a lot better in general, but of course, now my metabolism is speeding up. So I really only had the two options: the empty cup, or the woods with a bunch of policemen carrying rifles around.

All it really took was a bit of grace and balance, and the wishful thinking that none of the other motorists would happen to walk up past me at the time. I'm rather proud of how easy it was.

Another "no shit" moment, brought you you by Valdyr.

Song of the Day: Hatred Hurt Itself - "Trigger Finger" www.hatredhurtitself.com

Mnn...sleep...

My crazy work week is now about over; I worked double shifts on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then single shifts Monday and today. I will have made about a grand just this week alone. It kicked my ass, but it was so worth it.

Working at the Carter Baron ampitheatre was amazing. Partly because it was a huge rig, and partly because being outside is just great right now. They cooked out for us every day, and we made smores on break. I got a bit of a tan, and a lot of fresh air.

An interesting thing is, my pollen allergies kicked up a bit. Now, in that respect I'm very lucky in comparison to most people: I don't get a runny nose or red eyes, or get cold-like symptoms or any of that. I just sneeze every two minutes. So it's not that bad, just annoying. In any case, I decided to pop a Zyrtec these last few days that my dad had given me for similiar stuff a year or so ago. The sneezing partly subsided, but my skin is almost completely healed in three days.

With everything I've tried, did I really only need a common indoor/outdoor allergy medicine? Heh.

So, the month calms down now to something normal. I do have a few double shifts later this month, but for the most part it's going to be a smooth few weeks. There are only two more days of the show left; I'm gonna miss Gage and everyone a lot, but it's now approaching that time where we've been together a bit too long. After not getting a lot of sleep me and him kinda snapped at each other yesterday. It in itself wasn't a big deal, but it launched a more global conversation about some current problems of mine. I just hate feeling like I'm being taken for granted or used. I try so hard to be kind and caring to people, but then on the flip side people just come to expect it - or worse, think that I owe it to them. I don't mind giving people rides, giving back rubs, buying you a drink, etc., but dammit, someone be nice to me for once, eh?

How was goth prom? No idea, I didn't go. I tried, but after 20 hours of being awake every day for several days, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel bad because Mike had told me he might go, and when I didn't hear from him that evening I figured he had decided not to. But apparently he did, so I feel like an ass, but at least he had other friends there. I was also kind of avoiding seeing someone else who I thought might have been there; I don't know if I would have felt good enough to enjoy the night.

So speaking of feeling used, heh...I just don't know what to say. On one hand, I made enough money for my vacation this week as planned. And I've always wanted to go visit California, and I do have other friends in the area to see. And I won't deny that it would be awesome to hang out with Josef for a few days.

But for all the fun and distraction of rockstar crushes, I really would prefer something closer to home. But after two weeks of silence...three days was one thing, but two weeks is a slap in the face. I feel really hurt, and a little cheap. I thought at least we were friends? But I don't know. On the other hand, being "too busy" could be perfectly legit. I haven't been out of school that long to forget how insane final projects could be. I remember sitting in Corrie's apartment doing watercolor renderings at 3am. And I haven't seen him online hardly at all. So, maybe this is just me and my insecurities poking through again...

I hope that one of these days I'll meet someone who really will care about me, but after 23 years of isolation, I just don't know.

Anyways, gonna get caught up on some badly neglected email before I go to work...focusing on my business is sometimes all you can do, eh?

Song of the Day: Defy - "Happiness Wasn't Meant For Me" www.defy.com

Today was fun. Working in the ampitheatre is awesome at this time of year. Work at Alden was good, too. My coworker there rocked, and it's good to be in a roadhouse again.

Got 3 extra full electrics calls this week. Gonna kill me but the money is worth it. 3 days x 8 hours = plane ticket to San Fran. Plus I get to spend all that time with Gage, too, yay, since I won't see him as often after our show ends. :-)

Sleep...

(Goth Prom on Thursday. My dress is hot, come dance with me.)

Last few days have been kinda crazy. First of all, I got TOTALLY reemed out by a police officer in DC last night. The Verizon center was letting out, so they had a bunch of the roads blocked, as usual. No problem, they usually do a good job in rerouting traffic. So I'm coming out of the parking garage and start going down the street, and see a cop with his motercycle up ahead. Now, at this point in the road there's an intersection with another road on one side, and my direction and oncoming traffic both have two lanes. And the motercycle is at an angle sort of overlapping the left line on my side and the next lane in incoming, right at that intersection. So to me, it looks like the cop is blocking the intersecting road. So I try going straight in my lane, which is completely open I'm going slow, no problem, and as soon as I get close this dude starts yelling at me, telling me to turn down the side street. I obviously then realize that I misinterpreted his badly aligned bike, and immediate apologize (my window is down) and turn on my signal to turn like he tells me. Well, he keeps yelling at me, saying things like "This is a police line! Right here!" And I'm all of two feet away from him. What the hell?! Christ.

My animosity increased when it took me two and a half hours to get home since there was an accident that apparently closed all THREE lanes of 66W - as well as both shoulders - and required all traffic leaving DC (keep in mind a huge game had just let out of the Verizon center) to bypass the accident by driving off the side of the road, into the grass and dirt, to pass.

Today I paid rediculous taxes on my car. Fuck you, government.

Moving on. I actually was finally able to get some sleep last night. Then today's work call was really good. It was just me and the LD, so that was kinda cool. Did a lot of different stuff, learned a few things. The call was at this college in DC for the deaf and blind, so that was kinda neat. One of the students came in and helped us. Kinda makes me wanna learn a bit more sign language. I was kinda lousy in foreign languages in school, but I had picked up signing pretty well back in elementary school. Who knows, maybe I'll have time eventually.

Tomorrow is gonna be killer, but the money will be nice. Two work calls - first is Beaucoup in the Park with Shakespeare Theatre, the second is at Alden. Both should be fun...

"Maybe it's time that I learned to say no. Because lately I've been saying yes too much."

Song of the Day: Nine Inch Nails - "Everyday Is Exactly The Same" www.nin.com