Anxious again...

Not really sure what to expect at this point. Things have been wierd. Ever since I've gotten home it's been nothing but silence with a few bits of coldness. I'm hoping it's just typical tour burn-out...but I'm uneasy. I'm not even looking forward to this tomorrow anymore. I can't believe I volunteered to cook dinner for 8 people.

This weekend is so good for me career-wise, but so draining personally. I keep forgetting that it's my birthday, in fact. I think once I get to SLR on Friday I'll feel more at ease, but right now...I wish I could just get really drunk and sleep this one off.

The last few days have been absurd. Both in good and bad ways. I ended up working with Larry from RoA about a show he's doing at Jaxx. A) I got HITL on the bill and B) we ended up meeting Jay randomly for drinks that night. So a lot of good stuff coming our way. But of course, it wouldn't be a goth show without some drama thrown in. Oi.

SLR is also hosting a last minute in-store with Leaves' Eyes on Monday, so that should be awesome. Monday is also when I start working with them fulltime, so I'm looking forward to that.

Though I have to say it's kinda crazy...I am doing music promotion fulltime. I am actually doing...it. This is what I came for.

And yet, I feel hollow.

I mentioned it to Ryan the other day, actually. It's strange because honestly and realistically - this wasn't supposed to work. Dreams don't come true, right? Wasn't I supposed to fail? On one hand, yes of course I'm thrilled and proud...but on the other hand...what happens now?

Maybe it's because Christmas is coming up, and I'm still alone. Maybe because it's my birthday, and it reminds me I've gone another year with so little love in my life. I'm just starting to feel like I've hit a dead end at this point.

I guess it's strange, because for the first time in my life, maybe I can both HAVE the successful career and love at the same time.

PS - Thank you big brother for the present! I opened it and thought...yep...that's from Jeremiah...only he will buy me an awesome new knife every year! :-D

Just another picture

Me running merch for P9 after having a bit too much bacardi.

a beautiful rockstar and not enough sleep...

Hotel rooms for the entire tour ensemble: $190
Gas: $73
Bar tab: $16
Picture with a cute rockstar when no one got any sleep or bothered to put on make-up: priceless



So the drive to Nashville may have been one of the worst drives of my life. It took longer than expected, and all I could think to do was pray that a) I'd make it to the venue on time, and b) that my car wouldn't decide to die again before I got there.

I got to the venue right at 8pm. Two blocks before I got there, my car starting making this god-awful grinding noise. Wierd.

Anyways, the Exit/In was pretty cool, and I got to hang with Joe for quite awhile before the show. Their merch girl wasn't feeling well, so I stood in at the last minute for her. Kinda bummed that I couldn't go rock out in front, but hey, I'll help my friends out. The show was awesome - the new stuff sounds so amazing live. I got to meet Marshall and the guys from Columbine, and that was cool. Only got to talk to Fil for a moment, but he was sweet as usual. Things got a little crazy that night (including several trips to the ER, oi), but we finally made it back to our hotel rooms late in the morning, so I got to spend some quality time getting to know someone very special...and to miss out on having to spend time with my family, lol.

So I'm snuggled up in my new Psyclon Nine hoodie, looking forward to Thursday.

Insecurities

It was like it was yesterday when I was thinking, "Goddammit, I have to wait another two months." And now, it's the day after tomorrow. I try not to get so caught up in these type of things, but it's like some glorious and romantic saga that's preoccupied me for most of the last week or so. It's been eight months. I've been waiting eight months for this.

And true to myself, all my insecurities are surfacing in these last few days. Maybe I should have gone to the gym a bit more often. I wish I could have gotten to the doctor to have my skin fixed up. I probably should wear a different dress.

But thanks to something I just read on Joe's blog, I feel a bit better. I hope that there are enough good things about me that these small failings don't amount to much.

I still don't quite grasp where the point of failure is for me between having friends and having a relationship. For almost all of my life I have had no issue finding and keeping some amazing friends. But as for my relationships...heh...just read my archives. All I can think of is that I can hide a lot of these insecurities well from my friends, but not so much with someone I'm falling in love with. Maybe because of the physical intimacy.

Or maybe because, for once, I'd like to show you who I really am and be loved for that...and not because of what I pretend to be.

Anyways, this weekend was the weekend of photoshoots. I was so glad to be out of that job that I wanted to enjoy myself fully. So I met up with Eye of Ra photography on Friday. He's fairly new with this and hasn't worked much outside of family and friends, but we got a few good pics. We went over to Lake Fairfax park and did some stuff there: gothic stuff in the woods, and then on the bridge and by the lake.

Saturday I did a shoot with a MUA up in Baltimore. She was really nice, and the photographer was amazing! Unfortunately my cd didn't burn right so I don't have the images quite yet, but what I saw on the computer was really cool. I'm gonna go back up and work with him soon.

Last night was my second shoot with Don, and it was sooooooo awesome. He did a pretty good job the first time, but damn, this time it was just on. I did a cool industrial outfit first, then we worked on his mask project. I got a little more free and creative with my make-up job, and they came out soo much better than the first round I did with him. I also worked on his leg project a bit again too, since I had gotten some new shoes and theigh-highs since last time. Afterwards we ordered out Chinese, had some wine, and chilled out in his hot tub. It was awesome. He also ended up giving me a load of free make-up that his supplier had sent him. Like, probably $100 worth. Rock.

Anyways...off to the store to pick up a few things for this week, and then over to SLR for a meeting. Tonight I need to clean up around here a little bit more before I head on home...

Orkus

So I get to spend some quality time with these guys next week...



*hearts*

Get back to your CDs.

As a music promoter, it would be absurd to think that I could just walk into a club and go up to the booth and start DJing without either a) having the training, or b) being on staff. So why, as a DJ, do you think it's ok to offer a band a gig at my club when not only do you have no say over booking, but you don't even resident there?

Seriously. I just had a rather uncomfortable discussion with a band who apparently had been told they'd be playing at one of the clubs I work for by someone who is not even on staff.

Now, there's nothing wrong with pitching a band to me. And there's nothing wrong with letting a band know about a club you like to play it. But to go so far as to say "Oh, yeah, I know those guys, and I'll get you next month's gig" is way over the top.

The logic evades, apparently.

Cut and run.

Sometimes I just get so sick of everything. It makes me want to pull a "Utah" again.

10 days...

...and things could indeed be quite nice.

The show was amazing last night. I'll have to write more later, but things are going well...

Like I was raised from the dead...

I finally dyed my hair back to pink. I feel like me again.

First and foremost, if you haven't heard, 51 Peg is playing at Midnight tomorrow night! It's gonna be awesome, because 51 Peg is always awesome.

On Tuesday I get to see Gage again, yay! We're all going over to Woolly for the Barbizon trade show, so that's gonna be awesome.

Later on next week, I've got to start getting ready. Figured I'd treat myself to a new dress. Gotta impress someone cute. :-)

Lve (Missing Space)

Pulled away and torn asunder
Until it's not quite you
An aching void that you can't see
But it haunts you, it haunts you

Won't presume to change your mind
But I hope, I hope
Fear cast away, you can trust my eyes
Let it go...and find me

I can feel it, I can feel it
I am that missing space
Can you, do you know you're
Lost without an embrace?

- 7 Nov 2006, LEH

I voted. Did you?

*stretch* 'Twas an early morning...I had agreed last week to do the morning shift at the polls, thinking I would have to work today, so I was at the local elementary school by 6am putting signs into the frozen ground in the dark, and passing out Libertarian flyers to all those who like to vote before going to work.

It was a lot of fun. The other propagandaists (I mean, face it, what are we, really?) from the Republican and Democratic parties were really really nice. In fact, the Republicans brought a container of coffee for everyone. I had lots of fun talking to them all, both about politics and other issues. In fact, one of the guys has a son in a band, so me and him swapped emails about my business, etc. I think the really interesting thing was the fact that all of us were much more moderate than typical party lines. In fact, we all agreed on a lot of issues. So it's neat to see what the subtle nuances are that led us to align ourselves with our various parties.

I may go back out for a few hours later tonight to hit the last rush of people coming by after work, since I have to go back anyways to pick up the signs. I just hope it doesn't start raining before then.

For a complete change in topic, hottest picture ever:
clicky to save bandwidth
Tour picture taken by Sickotik Photography, Psyclon Nine's promo photographer. Dammit. Only two more weeks, but it's driving me crazy!

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Unspeakable" www.fluffystarr.com

When I say "No", you hear "Try again tomorrow".

Or so says the words of wisdom I got via myspace bulletin the other day. This is kind of a wierd post...I'm not really sure how to write this without coming across as vain - aside from me saying that this is just an observation and not a "God, I'm just so hot!" post.

My life is usually living proof of Murphy's Law, and in the realm of relationships, it's no different. When I'm alone, unhappy, and looking for someone, there is no one in sight. But if I'm in a relationship, or single and not looking, guys are oozing out of the woodwork. These past few months have been one of the first times in quite awhile where I've been single and perfectly fine of being so. But unfortunately, I've seemed to have picked up a few lonely hearts along the way, and to be honest...it's getting old.

So here's a question to all of my guy friends - why, when you finally get the courage to directly ask a girl out, and she turns you down and says both that she's not interested in you like that AND that her feelings are elsewhere, do you just hear "try again tomorrow"? I mean, there's nothing wrong with having goals or being persistant...but if I've constantly turned you down for dates as well as let you know in specific terms that I'm pursuing someone completely different...it's just a little rediculous.

I don't wanna lose my friends, but goddammit you guys are driving me nuts. I mean, yes, I'm flattered, thank you...but damn, seriously? Let it go. And stop stalking my myspace.

Drambuie

...is awesome. My friend Derek used to drink it, and when I went to the ABC store tonight for something to nip the cold weather, I figured I'd buy a bottle. I definitely had forgotten how nice it was. Like a spicy, warmer, less bitter version of licorice. I don't like licorice, but I like this stuff.

Anyways, the "Oh My Goth!" drama continues. I think I figured out a basic underlying reason for a lot of the unexpected drama I ran into once I moved up here. I had been thinking earlier, "Why is there so much more crap in the music industry here than the theatre realm?" Of course, their are exceptions to everything, but it hit me that in theatre up here (for the most part) everyone is a trained professional. We went to school for it. It's a business. You have to prove your worth to continue working.

Also, we tend to not drink at work, which helps keep that slight veneer of society around us.

In any case, in the scene of underground rock (at least, apparently, in goth/industrial) most of the people involved are fans that decided to become more than fans. And hey, that kind of caring and effort is awesome, don't get me wrong. But I haven't really met many people who went to school for music business, worked for a bigger company, etc. So, in a lot of cases, since this started out as a hobby for most people, they don't have the personal detachment that I learned (the very hard way) from theatre. So everytime someone makes a business move, somehow everyone gets their feelings hurt as if it were a direct attack on them, and not just the game of the business.

I dunno. I'm long past the days where if people don't come out to my shows, I would take it as a personal hit against myself. Hey, maybe people just didn't want to see the band? Hey, maybe they had something else to do tonight? Hey, maybe people just have varied tastes and don't happen to like or agree with you on every single detail?

There are some really awesome promoters, DJs, and bands in this area. People who are good at what they do, carry themselves in a professional manner, and are considerate to the people they work with. And those are the people that make this all worth while. And those are the people who, in the end, will be the ones left standing.

As far as things on the homefront go, there is much more drama back home. My cousin, who...in the most delicate way I can put it...is a total fuck-up, has landed herself in jail again. I won't go into the details, but there may be a custody battle for her daughter. And I think my cousin's ex-husband should get her, which is contrary to everyone else's opinion. But I know John, and his wife Amy. They're good people. They have a nice house, he has a good job, health insurance, etc. He really loves his kid. So...I dunno...I may honestly get disowned for this one if I throw my cards to his side.

...on a final note, is it the end of November yet? Why don't I have a beautiful rockstar cuddled up with me yet?

Oh, and Lance just told me he got married. FTW.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Diffikult Grrl" www.fluffystarr.com

Why is the sun always in that spot that neither visor covers?

Just a random thought on my way in to work this morning.

Anyways, I was right...work got awkward. I came in on Tuesday and I knew right away these next two weeks would suck. I guess my boss went into "Oh my god, what am I gonna do now!?!?!" mode and decided we need to get about two months of work done before I leave. Kind of a shame that he didn't have this motivation to make our department more productive beforehand. Kinda.

So we've been hanging pipes, installing sound systems, rewiring rooms, etc. for the last few days. However, on Tuesday, he took us out for lunch. At a really nice restaurant. And the grovelling begins.

I mean, it was nice for me and Jared to be able to really lay it out on the line about what's going on. And to get a steak dinner on top of it. And, I won't lie, it is nice to know I'm wanted. But I am so done, and it's only been 3 days and way too many people have asked me to stay.

Why? Why do you want me here when before all you could say to me was some disparaging comment about my hair, my belt, my shoes, and my culture?

*sigh* Anyways, it seems though that in the end, maybe this was what it's all about. It took my resignation for people to listen. Maybe...maybe at least one person will wake-up and realize that if Jesus were here, he'd probably be kicking back and having a beer with me and asking me how my day was...not worrying about the social acceptance value of my pink hair.

(No, it's not pink yet. But I have the dye. It's sitting on the counter. It's calling my name...)