March officially fucking sucks.

Just got off the phone with Joe, with word that their RV broke down again and they won't be playing at Jaxx tomorrow night.

*slams head into keyboard*

My life is just not fair.

I think maybe I'm a better person than I thought.

(Or maybe just earnestly praying to God quite a bit more often these days is helping.)

Anyways, I went up to Maryland on Monday to see P9 play. I hung out with the guys until they went on stage, then me and Joe just cuddled and talked and talked and talked after their set, which totally rocked. I wasn't scared, I wasn't hurt, I just wanted him to feel better. I guess I'm not so selfish after all.

God, I love him so much.

On the other side of things, remember that other guy I mentioned? Yeah, not so much:

"You're totally fucking with me, aren't you?"
"What? I fuck with all my female friends who don't have boyfriends..."

Whatever. We're still friends; I don't think he meant harm. But seriously...what is it with people these days who totally lead others on? I wasn't reading into this...he kissed me several times, so what was I supposed to think? What a waste of hope, eh?

In financial news, I am so broke it hurts. Not kidding. I have no idea how I'm gonna get through this next month.

But finally, that big news I've been mentioned has been confirmed: I'm a model for Coffin Cases. Rock!

Damn straight.

From Em & Lo:

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You're smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it'll be like everyone's wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they're sober or sloshed.

And didn't two people I was hoping to hear from both just text me within an hour of each other? Yeah, I'm a pimp. Or something.

Song of the Day: Psyclon Nine - "It's Always Easier" www.psyclonnine.com

Matter over Mental

So even though these past few weeks have been a little trying emotionally, I did indeed just have a few amazing things happen.

1) DTX7 (Cynergy 67's side project) is now officially on the RAM label as well.

2) I'm in final talks with another band about the RAM label, and it looks VERY promising.

3) Remember me mentioning back in January that I was trying for a new goal sometime around March? Well, I did it. And I've heard back positively so far. I can't be specific, but let's just say I'm doing a few more photoshoots than I had originally planned in the next few weeks.

Song of the Day: Cynergy 67 - New Machine www.cynergy67.net

In My Mind

After some events of this last week, I at least figured out something substantial about myself.

I seem to tend to be pretty open about myself and my life (I don't have anything to hide; and if I've made mistakes I admit to them) but it usually unwillingly gets me into trouble as I have a tendency to be too open too fast when getting to know someone. I had sort of already figured this out, but still had a hard time keeping my mouth shut 100% of the time when I should have.

Why? Why isn't it logical for me to not say things that people don't want to know?

I'll tell you why, as I just figured this out. It's in my nature when someone is emotionally vulnerable to me (whether on purpose or on accident) it's my instinct to comfort, love, and try to help them. So if I'm dating or getting to know a guy and he tells me about his insecurities or his past hurts, that actually just makes me want to get closer to him, seeing that there's a need for affection and understanding.

Where as, apparently, most people instead feel threatened and undermined by someone's feeling about someone else, or issues in life that *might* detract from the potential new relationship.

I consider myself a very loyal and committed girlfriend. And just like I don't think the pursuit of a new relationship diminishes my feelings for previous lovers, I also don't feel that my past relationships and their remnants inhibit me from fully loving someone new. I also don't think any struggles I may have had in the past or even now are really that relevant to a relationship. These things made me, I am human, and this is a part of life.

I am a bit hurt from what happened this past year, and this weekend showed me that. And I'm sorry it happened that way. If I had known I was in pain like that, I would have been more cautious and slow. And it was bittersweet to know that what brought the pain to the surface was how good it felt to be touched and held so gently by someone else for the first time in quite awhile.

Appreciation

It's been nice lately that instead of complaining about a lot of things, that instead I feel I have a lot to be thankful for.

First of all, I had a good conversation with my mom today. She told me she was proud of me. Anyone that's been reading along knows how much I needed to hear that.

I had a really great day at work. I got to do some foam carving today, which rocked. Hadn't done much of that since Utah.

So this guy I mentioned earlier has turned out to be pretty awesome. We spent some time together this weekend, just hanging out, going to the clubs, and then eventually bowling. Here are some notes about why he rocks so far (guys, take note):
1) He hasn't been shmarmy. Not once. It's been slow going, like he actually wants to get to know me.
2) He pays attention to the details.
3) He's affectionate and kind.
So, again, pretty early on in things, but I think it's pretty safe to say we'll at least be good friends. It's kinda nice for once not to jump head first into things (which I suppose I have tended to do lately).

On the flip side, I see someone else again here in less than two weeks now. I don't think I really realized how hurt I am that things didn't really work out in that area until this week. I've tried to take the high road and to give out my love and affection without regard to what I get in return; I don't want to be selfish. But I've known for awhile based on his own insecurities and low self-esteem that he'd never be able to return my feelings. So I know it's not me, or anything I've done or failed to do. But at the same time, I do need/want something...if I can't have it in him, then I should indeed have been looking elsewhere to begin with. I guess this past year I thought it would have been selfish, but I think now I'm realizing that it's just plain logical to be in a relationship with someone who is closer to an even ground with me, emotionally. I can be loving and affectionate...and there's nothing wrong with me wanting someone to feel that way about me in return.

Anyways, I should get some sleep since theoretically I work tomorrow morning. (We'll see what happens with the impending snow.)