It brings a whole new meaning to dead inside
And I'm bleeding but the blood is not mine
If you only knew what it was you lost
It's not me or you, but what was both of us
- Alienhead, (unnamed new song)

Gah. So Steve IM'd me earlier today, talking about how much life sucked and how much he still loved me, blah, blah, so I was like "Hey, I'm doing great...and I'm moving, so could you send me the money you owe me?" Yeah, that shut him up pretty quick. I was just not in the mood for that.

Been talking to Derek some this morning about some band stuff, so that's cool. We have practice again finally tonight, so that should definately make me feel better. I really wish we could have had the time to put together a demo before next weekend, but you can't force anything. There will be other opportunities.

But yeah, speaking of next weekend, everything is set. I got off on Thursday, so I'll head up to Cleveland in the morning and meet up with everyone I suppose. Lance has decided to join us after all, so the party will be totally complete, though I think Lee said on the board the other night that she can't come? Damn. I wish both she and Dana could be there too. So I'll chill with all of them until Saturday morning, then shoot over to Pennsylvania to see my big brother, yay! Then I suppose Sunday I'll drive back down here.

Got my mp3 of my interview last night, and it sounded pretty good! So I'll pop that up online sometime tonight.

Then tomorrow after work I get to introduce Frankie to the joys of Indian food. So that should be fun. Yum.

Ok, back to shrinking sheilding and wire stripping.

Song of the Day: The Anix - "Through You" www.the-anix.com

Been another great day. Woke up a bit earlier to try to get back into my routine, though I guess it doesn't really count when I wake up just so I can take a nap outside in the sun, hahaha. So I tanned some more, then chilled out online most of the afternoon.

Talked to Lance for awhile, and it seems that things between him and a friend are finally getting to a good place, and I'm really sincerely happy for him. It's good to get things like that resolved. That kind of led, I think, to a similiar discussion between me and him, where we basically acknowledged all the things we understood but never really said. I'm glad, a year later, that we can still care about each other and be comfortable with that. It was a very peaceful day for everyone I think.

He also had me test out some stuff, which ultimately led to me being able to hear all of the Pure remixes in their entirity; I had heard most of them earlier on, but the finished product is great. Thorn's especially is hard rocking...I love it. Gonna be a great single I can tell.

Then this evening I had my interview on Krush Radio and that seemed to go really well. Vic recorded it so I should have an mp3 transcript in the next few days. :-)

I feel very satisfied right now. So I'm gonna go have a beer and wait for a boy to get online.

Oh...even though this was a Jacob thing, it's still a good idea. Shortlist for May:
51 Peg - (whatever the hell their awesome new song is, haha)
In Winter - "Bitter Season"
Jay Gordon - "Kinetik"
John Cena - "Bad Bad Man"
Kubrick - "Collapse"
Lunarclick - "Rescue (Ashesdead Remix)"
Nine Inch Nails - "Only"
Orgy - "Pure (Thorn Remix)"
The Birthday Massacre - "The Dream"
The Run - "This Time Around"
Yveline - "Lashes For Lips"

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Pure (Thorn Remix)" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Today has been great. After sleeping in, I laid out in the sun for awhile, then had a good dinner with the 'rents. Afterwards I got online and talked to Grace, and OH MY GOD the Cleveland show is gonna rock! So the deal is now, I'm gonna try to get Thursday off as well, so that I can join a group of the staff and other interns to help promote the new DVD and single at the music festival. So that means, 2 days at a hotel spending time with the most awesome band ever! So this is going to rock sooooo much.

Then, tomorrow is the big night!!! I will be interviewed on Krush Radio (www.krushradio.com) at 8pm eastern, so everyone tune in! Rock!

Tonight has been quiet, talking to friends. Well, one new friend in particular. ;-) Who the hell am I kidding, eh? Alllriiiight. Gonna be a good week I'm sure.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Krush" www.fluffystarr.com

So...yeah. :-) Nothing like a little flattery and some disarming compassion to make you feel like a million bucks. Good times. Me and Frankie have been talking for like, 4 hours...hahaha, I need to get some sleep.

Today was good. Woke up late, drove around and looked at apartments. Didn't really find anything, but I'm going to keep looking this week. I'll find something eventually. But it was a good day to drive around, and jam to some music, and feel like I was doing something productive.

Tonight I worked a helluva lot on Alienhead's site, so that's coming along.

Tomorrow I'm gonna lay out and get a tan because I can. Monday will probably be much of the same.

Now...I'm going to sleep until I wake up. :-)

Song of the Day: Poe - "Hey Pretty" www.realpoe.com

Um.

Well, I'll at least say I'm talented that in one night alone I can bond with Jack, break one of my best bud's heart, and develop a budding possible relationship all at once.

Yeah, so I went to the Cellar and met up with Jesse, and we had an awesome time. Jack showed up about 2 pitchers in, so I talked for him a loooong time about anything and everything and it was awesome. He and Jesse got along well, so that was cool too. Then Frank showed up, so it was a party, and we headed to the Underground. Had a blast. Felt like a total chick with three awesome guys.

Why, oh why, don't I see things coming?

Jesse is amazing. When I say he's like closer than a brother, I mean it. I mean, me and Jeremiah are tight, but me and Jesse...damn, we go back. He's known me for so long. We grew up together in so many ways. I love him so much in that regard. So why, oh why, does he have to develop some romantic feelings for me now? It's like it was with Dana - logically, he'd be perfect. I can't explain it, but I just don't feel that way, and that's the end.

Well, it's not, because his friend likes me, and I like him. *sigh*

But, hey, I told myself I'm gonna give myself time, and I meant it. I had a long talk with everyone involved, and I'm not getting into anything now. And this time...this time it's not because I'm trying to desperately save a dead relationship or to somehow rectify myself through a new one, but because I AM FUCKING WORTH IT.

Tonight is one of the first times in awhile I've felt honestly good about myself, and that I drove home feeling like I made the right decision. Corrie, you would be proud.

But in all honesty, Frank is cool, and we'll probably hang out in a week or so. But he already knows what I'm dealing with, and that I'm wanting to take it easy for awhile. So hey, good times, and goodnight.

After work I went up the the practice space and grabbed Derek's guitar and brought it to the hospital for him. He's been moved into a different area, so he got his stuff back and can keep working on the music stuff. Which is good, because that will keep him busy and not just worrying about things. But the best part is that Evyl showed up a few minutes later - full kilt, kick-ASS (notice the emphasis) boots, and his hair in pigtails. It was soooooo funny. So that is officially his stage outfit. He'll be in a kilt, Jeff will be in a suit, and I'll be wearing some goth dress and combat boots. God, I can't wait to play out. Me and Evyl talked for a bit afterwards; did some bonding since me and him hadn't really talked outside of practice, so that was cool. I feel really good about this band - we all are just coming together like it was natural.

When I got home, I found a surprise. My parents had gone to West Virginia to go shopping. (Why? No idea.) But my mom found a stuffed cat made with Alpaca fur...it is sooooo soft! So that was cool.

I spent most of the evening updating RAM and talking to friends. I talked to Jesse most of the night, and that was really good. Nothing like old-school friends. Makes me wish I had kept in contact with more of my buds from Lynchburg. But anyways, me and him talked about a lot of things, and he really made me feel a lot better about myself. Haha, it is a shame - he's like the male half of me, closer than a brother. Too bad me and him never dated, lol. It seems it always works out like that. I also got a random IM from Matt from Salem...last time I saw him was when we were voting last year, and he told me he was on his way to propose to his girlfriend that afternoon, lol. And all went well, so they're getting married in October. So I'm happy for him.

Today work seems to be about the same, and I'm the only one here again. Tonight I'll be chatting with Lanie for the interview, then down to Blacksburg for awhile. :-) Should be interesting...I'm looking forward to a change.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Unto You" www.disown.cc

So another day of nothing happening at work. I kinda wish I had something else to work on, so I could keep my mind off worrying. I called the doctor a few minutes ago and got an appointment in two weeks, so I can make sure I'm ok, and keep this from happening in the future, I hope.

Derek called this morning, and asked me to swing by and get his guitar from the space before I come over to see him tonight. So I'm glad he can keep playing and working while he's getting his stuff straight.

So, what to do now but wait?

Song of the Day: Yveline - "Lashes for Lips" www.yveline.fleshdepartment.com

Lance, I love ya man...don't know if you wrote that about me or not, but it helped. *hugs*

So after talking to Lance for awhile, I've decided I really need to go to the doctor to get things checked out before I do anything else. It's gonna suck explaining this. So I guess I'll call tomorrow at work and set up an appointment.

Anyways, I found a great new band. Yveline, the girl that runs The Flesh Department, has her own project of the same name, and it's great. I've been listening to her stuff all day. They have a show next weekend, but I have to work some damn pageant. Ah, well.

Heard back from Jeff too, and he's ok, just sick. Derek called too...got moved around, and has a bit more freedom. He sounds like he's doing good, so I'm going to go see him tomorrow after work and talk about some band stuff and keep him updated. Good stuff.

Because I got tagged by Glen, but hey, that makes me feel loved. :-D

1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
Wow, maybe 20? I don't really watch a lot of videos. Ask me about my cd or mp3 collections, haha.

2. The last film I bought:
I think was probably HP3.

3. The last film I watched:
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

4. SIX films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
Sense and Sensability
HP1
HP2
HP3

5. Tag five people and have them put this in their journal:
Hmn, Corrie and Glen already have this...soo, who else reads this? Nad, Lance, Heather, Cathy, and Nikki. :-)

So work is going well...a quiet day. I've been working on RAM most of the day, and some other music. I talked to Vic from VMU and it looks like my radio interview will be next Monday. So I'll post the actual times so anyone can listen in. :-) Been trying to get some more interviews scheduled for D1, and that's fun. One of them is with Lanie - her mom is backing her financially to start her own record label, which is awesome. You can check it out at www.dlcrecords.com. Speaking of D1, the show in Cleveland has been confirmed, so that's gonna be awesome. EVERYONE is going to be there - it's gonna be great. I'm gonna drive up that day, hit the show, then shoot over to PA to stay with Jeremiah. So it's gonna be a great trip.

This weekend I'm going to go apartment hunting. I was planning on doing it this week before work, but I decided sleep was more important, especially since I've been running around a lot lately. It seems I may have a date this weekend too. A friend of a friend. I'm not really looking for anything, but it makes me feel better to think that the 'terror of the douche bags' is over and I actually have one or two decent men interested in me. So, good times.

Going out to a really nice restaurant tonight for my mom's birthday, so that's always good. I like good food. :-D Later I'm going to start working on the full site for Alienhead...this will be fun. Plus it helps being able to do a band site almost solely based on what I want. Evyl told me last night that he has a promotion company ask him about some band sites they wanted done, but he can't do, so he's passing them off to me. So I may get even more business soon. So, things are definately staying interesting.

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "I Can't" www.alienheadmusic.com

So band practice didn't happen - me and Evyl and John showed, but Jeff was no where to be found. He had obviously been there though - he leaves his amp there, but he had left his bass and some new pedals there too. So I hope nothing bad happened to him. I haven't been able to get in touch with him.

It wasn't a complete loss though - I got there early and set up my pedal, which works great! I'll have to make my own effects, but just playing around with the presets was fun, hehehe. Glad it works like we had hoped.

My body has been rebelling at me since I got home on Sunday, from what happened last month. It just confirms everything. I don't want to deal with this anymore. *sigh*

But work has been ok. Been working on creating new mobile Electronic Classroom units, so that's going well. I got everything set up and wired for our prototype cart, and now I'm typing out dummy-proof instructions, which is turning out to be more of a challenge than the actual assembly of the unit, haha. Trying to remember ever nuance of every peice of equipment that could cause a problem.

Tonight I get to start playing around with my GNX-2, yay! So I hope all that goes well. We've decided we're gonna do a smiliar set-up to what Jeff had going on at the 51 Peg show last weekend - he has two mics, one running straight to the mixer, the other going through the effects. So that allows more movement and changability; I can keep singing and change my effects on the other mic with no problem. I think I'm gonna use the retro 55 as my main mic, and a 58 for my effects. So, good times.

We also think we've figured out how we're gonna do our programing; Evyl brought in a smaller mixer he had, so we're gonna run my mics and the computer into that, send the main mix without the metronome out to the venue board, and send an aux with the metronome to his earphones. So, all in all, it looks like this is a go. I still feel a little wierd about using my laptop at shows, but I guess we'll see. I'd feel better using one of my desktops, but they don't wanna haul a CPU and moniter around. Though I wouldn't mind it, being that all I carry is mics and a floorboard. Yeah. We'll figure something out.

Song of the Day: Lunarclick* - "Rescue (Remix)" www.lunarclick.com

So I headed over to the hospital on the way home. It was an experience in itself. After I finally found the psych ward (today known as "behavior health" in P.C. terms), going in was another trip. I had to sign a waiver, get a tag, be taken upstairs, ring a doorbell to have a door unlocked, and directed to his room. Now, before I go on, he's not in there for being crazy or anything, but because his medication doses got out of control, and they need a calm, unchanging environment in order to regulate it. But since that's where he is, he's in the same situation as someone who would be in there for bigger issues. So they took away his belt, his shoe strings...everything that we bring to him has to be inspected and put in a brown paper bag. I think that in itself would drive me up the wall. But he's doing fine, and we talked for awhile about band stuff before his wife came in. He still wants us to practice on our own, and we all have keys, so it's all good. Hopefully he'll be out in a week or two.

When I got home, I had a bigger surprise waiting for me: my GNX-2 came! So I've been reading the manual all evening. I'm so glad it came - now I can play with it at practice tomorrow. Allllllllriiiiiiiiiiight.

So Wendy called a little while ago and Derek is in the hospital, and probably will be for a few weeks. So I'm going over there after work to visit. He wants us to keep practicing without him, so I've been trying to get in touch with the rest of the band to see what they want to do...

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Pure (CHR Modern Rock Remix)" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

I need to have more weekends like this. Haha, so after waking up after my drunken stupor on Saturday, I pulled my merch box together and packed, and headed on up to Corrie's. Swung by and checked my PO Box on the way out, which I'm glad I did, because Eric sent me a package for TBM Chicago, so I had plenty more cool stuff to give out at the show! So I got up to NoVA, hung out, got ready, and off to TT Reynolds. We found the place without too much trouble, though downtown Fairfax is pretty damn annoying, and headed on in. It's an interesting venue. It's downtown, so it's like most stores - small and narrow - so the stage was actually in the middle and facing the wall. Odd, but I guess you do what you gotta do. The line-up was so wierd - even more so than the 51 Peg / Celldweller / SNMNMNM show in Baltimore. The first group was some crazy folk-ish thing, then 51 Peg, and finally Chrysalis. They were pretty good. Just straight up rock thing I guess. They reminded me of some big band that played at Attitudes, but I can't remember the name of. Anyways.

So yeah, Elise was awesome and let me put up my first Radio-Active-Music.com merch space on their table, for which I was happy to return the favor and run the table during their set. I had a lot of interest, and people took a lot of free things. I even got some donations - how cool is that? I ran into two of the people that run Flesh Department, and they were awesome. It still feels so cool to have people come up to me and be like, hey, are you Laura from Radio-Active-Music? Haha, good times.

51 Peg was awesome, as always. They played a new song that rocks sooooooooooooooo much. I can't imagine how killer the next album is going to be. One of the best parts of the night is that Corrie had the idea that, hey, let's do the interview on video! So she brought her camera, and they let her tape the set too. So hopefully we'll have some video clips up on the site soon, and I'm gonna push for at least one to be that new song, lol. The unfortunate part is that we ran out of time for the interview, so we'll have to do that some other time, but it was still a really great night and a successful business move, ha!

Oh, and all the bartenders were drunk off their asses, and one kept hitting on Corrie and making horrible mixed drinks. It was crazy.

So we headed home, got a little lost, then really headed home, and had a good nights sleep. I felt bad for Corrie because she had to work today, and fairly early, but we had such a good time, and it was great to talk to her about everything. We've got a couple of projects we're now working on together, so that's gonna be some fun shit for both of us.

I left fairly early too, since I needed to be back in town for practice. We all met at 3 this afternoon so we could work on cleaning the space and hanging more sound proofing. It went soooo well. We got the actual practice half completely covered with folded foam, and I put up padding on the ceiling above my mic since we were having some feedback issues with the low roof. It was funny...at practice, my mic was fine as long as I stand in front of it - but as soon as I move away it starts reflecting of the ceiling and squealing, lol. So now - problem solved. We also put up guitar brackets all along the wall for everyone's guitars and basses, and sealed the door and window spaces. So it's coming along really well, and it was really cool to just hang with the guys and chat. We really don't know each other all that well yet, so it was a learning experience with all the stories and jokes, hahaha. I can already tell going on tour is gonna be nuts, lol.

After all of this, we decided we were all too hot and too tired to actually practice (and after screaming Thin Victory the night before, I don't think I could have sung tonight anyways) so we all cooked out and just sat around and chilled for the rest of the evening. Derek whipped out some old alienhead stickers he had bought, so I sat there and wrote "alienheadmusic.com" on all the heads, haha. Actually doesn't look as ghetto as it sounds - I guess that block lettering from hand drafting light plots is coming in handy.

So, yeah, a totally awesome weekend. Next on the agenda: RAM t-shirts and compilation cds, and preparation for the Orgy show supposedly still on for Cleveland...

Song of the Day: 51 Peg - "Thin Victory" www.51peg.com

And duh:

Tonight!
51 Peg at TT Reynolds in Fairfax
Come by and hear awesome music, and get awesome free things from Radio-Active-Music.com! CDs, posters, stickers, pins, and more.

Oi, I really need to stop drinking so much, hahahaha. Ahhh, anyways, last night was awesome. Me and Joe and Drew hung out for awhile, then made the beer run, and more people started to arrive. It was great seeing so many people again.

...And a bottle of wine later, we're all skinny-dipping in the pool in the dark, hahahaha. But I was a good girl; the only person I made out with was Laura, lol. Fun times.

Me and Dana talked awhile about something that had really been eating at me lately and I hadn't wanted to tell anyone. I keep thinking that I've been through the worst in life, then something new comes up that surprises me. But, anyways, it was good to hear his opinion, which just reinforced what I had been feeling, and I was right to stay silent, at least for the time being.

I spent most of my morning installing badly threaded pipes in some of the new electronic classrooms for TV mounts, so my hand has literally about 30 razor thin gashes all over, blah. But other than that, it's been a quit day. No one is here, so I've just been casually working on paperwork in my office. Have I talked about my office here? I have a badass place. It's small, but I usually am the only one using it, so it's alright. Got a cabinet of food, a fridge, a microwave, my computer, a killer sound system, and a large TV. It's really just a storage space off of the scene shop, but it's cozy. I've got all my lighting lamps sorted out behind me, as well as stacks of fresnel lenses and glass roundels. I like it here.

Talked to Corrie this morning and got everything set up for the show tomorrow. It's gonna be a lot of fun. I need to run by Walmart tonight and get a big merch bin for my supplies. Good times. Need to rewrite the bands interview, too. We also talked a bit about her project, and I'm gonna see if I can come up on the weekends and paint their set for them. Sounds like a lot of fun, even if it's not paid. Good resume stuff.

Tonight Joe is having everyone over for a pool party, so hopefully it won't rain. It'll be good to see people again, and *sigh* probably the last time I see Dana. Things are always changing...

Song of the Day: John Cena - "Bad Bad Man" www.john-cena.com

Wow. The anger is gone. Guess this needed to happen.

I'm sorry it had to end like this, but in the end I've gotta do what's best for me and you gotta do what's best for you. I'll see you in a few months or so. Good luck this summer.

In other news, I'm pretty bummed out because Dana told me he's leaving for good on Monday. I didn't think it was going to happen so soon. Me and him have been through so much, and he's my best friend. I'm so happy he's found love and a renewed faith in himself, but it's gonna be hard to be without him. There's a long line of love and inside jokes between me and him. Peace man, and good luck. I'd tell you to name your first daughter after me, but then things would get even more confusing. :-)

I also just won myself a GNX-2. Rock!

Going to bed. It's been a long night.

Just when you're never expecting the rage to come out, it surprises you.

Me and Jacob had it out tonight. It was pretty brutal, mostly from my end, but I don't really care anymore. In continuation of my "anger reality" theme, I realized today that my anger mostly stems from the whole situation with him. I thought that this was an 'easy' break-up, but no. This was a bad one in its own way. You know why? Because of how badly it was handled.

Edit: I did right a novel about all the things I resented about you, but it'd make a better song instead. Probably don't wanna come to my shows, not that you'd have the motivation to anyways.

I just had one of the best conversations in a long time with Jesse. No, the other Jesse. From Ever. See...this is why, dispite everything else, I have to believe in my God. Because when things go down, there's always something that happens, time after time after time, that comes along at just the right instant to make a change. Much too often to be a casual coincidence. He couldn't have IM'd me at a better time, and he re-confirmed a lot of things that I already knew, but had conveniently forgotten. Maybe this time things will be different. Yay for good people.

Wow. So the new Star Wars movie is great. I'm not a huge Star Wars freak or anything, but it's a beautiful movie. The opening flight sequence is a lot of fun. The costumes and sets are great. The plot was pretty easy to follow, so that made fans and non-fans alike able to enjoy. Good times.

We all met at Olive Garden for dinner, and Jesse's coworkers/friends are cool! I had a lot of fun, and good food. Afterwards we headed over to the movie theatre and waited awhile. It was cool though, because the theatre gradually opened up rooms so we could go ahead and get a seat, so for two hours, all these people just had a great time: light saber wars, pictures, costumes...someone even broke out a beach ball that we tossed around. But to top it all off, me and Jesse rounded up a pen and paper and had a good old fashioned game of dots. HAHAHA! Nothing like the good old days of getting detention for that for "wasting time" in Latin Class! "Hey...hey Jesse, have you talked to Juan Tufac lately?" Ahhh, good times!

So today's been pretty good. Trying to help Colleen with the skinning for the Orgy myspace profile; I need to learn more about CSS, lmao. Trying to make everything work for all browsers is tough sometimes. At the same time, Adam has finished up my new t-shirt logo, so that's awesome; a more basic version is now on the RAM myspace page, so check that out.

I had a revelation last night on the way home, too. Has to do with "taking my world apart." *sigh* It's hard to remember, but it's nice to know God's never really far away.

Tonight: interviews, interviews, and more interviews.

Song of the Day: Jars Of Clay - "Worlds Apart" www.jarsofclay.com

The day is improving, but I'm still feeling bad. You know how I wrote the other day that I had a few people tell me I was scary, or whatever? Well, I've become more aware of my moods, and damn if they're not right. I'm always angry. I get road rage every time I drive (though, I mean, with the way people drive around here that's perfectly legitimate) and during the day I'm constantly dwelling on angry scenes with people...sometimes not even real confrontations, just things that I think might happen, or wish would happen, or whatever.

So where do I go from here? First of all, some people might be concerned that this could lead to health problems. Being agitated all the time, sure. But the last time I went to the doctor I was told that if my blood pressure was any lower I'd be legally dead. So no worries on that front. But I think the thing that gets me the most is - if I looked into some sort of medication, would I lose my drive? What happens when I get really angry at someone? Well, I work even harder to prove that I'm better. I don't want to lose that. I have to be able to keep going like I have been. Maybe I better just get used to being alone if I want to be able to continue to respect myself.

At least I'm aware of this now. Maybe just a conscious effort to let things go is all I need.

I don't know why I'm even posting this. Kinda vulnerable, eh? My dad has a temper like mine, and I hate it. Well, I take that back. His is a lot worse. Heh.

In other news, good things on two fronts: Adam has made me an awesome new logo for the New RAM shirts, AND my jacket from Hot Topic came today. Allllriiiight. And tonight: Episode III midnight showing with Jesse.

Drama...my majo- wait, that was last year. Anywho, yesterday was just one of those days I guess. Band practice was good, but hard. Lots of quirks to work around. Everyone's got a different style of writing and working, which is good for creativity, but kind of frustrating too. I worry that some of our band mates might be getting bored. There's lots of teaching, lots of sitting around, lots of equipment breaking...it gets hard. I guess this is how it always is, but it seems to me like a lot of our wasted time could be avoided. So I guess we'll see what can be done.

I got home and happened to notice that my favorite one-man crusade is at it again, even after a year. I guess his attempts at destroying a good band ended disasterously, so he's gotta go back to critizing Val the intern. I can't imagine how boring and dismal my own life would have to be in order to start constantly going after people the way he does.

Lots of the Orgy tour dates are up in the air now, or downright cancelled. Apparently a lot of venues starting selling tickets before the band confirmed. I now completely understand why Lou waits until the last minute to post info. What a crazy industry.

Personally, I'm doing OK I guess. They say time heals all wounds, and that's true...and this time I was lucky in that it wasn't a passionate relationship like the one I had with Lance. I didn't think I was going to marry Jacob the way I did with Lance. So a lot of pain was spared on that level. But I think what keeps nagging me is the loss of stability. In a lot of ways, I still feel like I'm floundering around a bit. No one close to talk to...no one to share good news with or to complain about my day to. I've spent most of my life alone, and I fall back into autonomy easily...but I still don't like it.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Eva" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
Are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
Are you still mad I compared you to all my forty year old male friends?
Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?
Are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
Are you still mad I tried to mold you into who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?
Are you still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are
Of course you are

Song of the Day: Alanis - "Are You Still Mad?" www.alanis.com

Whew. So yeah, a bit more calm now. I don't know if either I had no self-respect in high school and hung out with rotten guys, or if they just haven't matured at all (or de-matured, however the case may be) but I am sooo over that. I guess you get to a point where you just have to cut people off and move on. I just wish someone halfway decent would show some interest in me for once, ha.

In other news; yes, Jonathan! :-) There's a black mesh long-sleved shirt I was looking at, too. I'll catch ya later this week and see if we can work something out. Actually, me and my bud Jesse are planning a trip to Lynchburg sometime to just see who the hell we run into, so maybe we can hang out or something in the next few weeks.

In other - other - news, I revamped RAM tonight. Probably one of my favorite designs I've ever done, plus the easiest. Same basic layout, different images. It's fun. Check it out. I got a lot other things accomplished today, too. Renewed my PO Box, sent off some mailings, so now I think I'm caught up! Now...time to start writing some new reviews...

Alright. I'm done being nice. Why in the hell did I ever become associated with some of these people? I don't know why in the world so many guys think that they are such hot shit that they can just IM me and expect me to drop everything and drool at their feet. It doesn't even matter if I'm with someone now or not. I'm not interested in a boyfriend, and I'm sure as hell not interested in any of my fucking ex's from high school. So back the FUCK off.

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Lame (or 250 dollars later)" www.alienheadmusic.com

Band practice tonight was the best we've ever done! We started playing around with some sequencing and programming so that we can get used to that, and we made reasonable progress there. Then we decided to change up from our usual practice set and starting work on "Heh", and it sounds 5 million times cooler! I was sort of able to successfully communicate the bassline in my head - at least well enough that our bassist picked it up and made it 20 times more awesome. We changed the speed around, and it sounds so much more damn sultry. It's hot. So much more like I had envisioned it. We ended the night with one of Derek's - "I Can't" - which we had all really liked, and it went really well too! He was able to hum out a bit of the vocals he was hearing in his head and I was able to pick up on it and go. So we are WELL on our way. What a great feeling.

Oh, I meant to mention this the other day, but as I was driving home from the mall I noticed the sign outside the local wedding chapel. It stated: "809 lives changed for the better". Someone explain that to me.

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Heh" www.alienheadmusic.com

BTW, here is the coat I ordered, courtesy of Hot Topic. It's hot. They've got two other styles more geared towards men that are pretty cool, too, if anyone's interested. Pretty decent price too...and I deserved something nice. :-) Tomorrow we're hanging insulation in the practice space, so I'm gonna get some sleep. Wheeeeeeee.....

I went to the bank on my way out today and deposited my checks. I got my receipt, and casually looked down to make sure everything was correct. It was. But it feels liberating and somewhat strange to see 10 grand on a piece of paper that's mine. So this is what it feels like to be out of school.

I had an awesome day with Jeremiah! He got in town a little late, so I spent a few minutes looking around at the little shops and vendors in downtown, which I've never done. You never hit the tourist traps in the town you live in. So anyways, we ate lunch at one of the Indian restuarants, then went to the mall. I felt it was about time to update my concert attire, so I got myself a new skirt (yes, you heard me - I feel this time around I'm gonna be a bit more feminine) so I'll be rocking the big boots, fishnets, and such at the 51 Peg show this weekend. I also found this TOTALLY AWESOME long coat there, but they didn't have it in my size, so I'm going to try to order it online in a minute.

Afterwards we chilled out for awhile, and I got the best message since, well, since the last time he was in town, rotflmao. It was great to spend time with him, and talk about everything, and catch up. He seems to be a lot happier, and he looked really good, especially with his new haircut. :-) We went to dinner, and I had a nice big steak and beer - bonus on the beer as it was huge and it was Yeungling, which we have in abundance in Blacksburg but nowhere in Roanoke.

To end the day, my parents came home and said we're not going to Toronto this summer, which I'm kinda bummed about. But The Birthday Massacre is already going to be out of town, and I don't know if Amphibious Assault is going to be playing out. I would have liked to have seen Lye, but if I can go up later on and catch all three, that'd be sweet. The good angel is, my parents are now totally behind me and Corrie going on the Bahamas cruise, so that rocks. Plus, it'll probably be easier to ask B for just one week off instead of two, heh.

Tomorrow I'm gonna pay my bills and get my cd inserts taken care of. I also need to go buy a merch box for RAM in time for the show. Got lots of stuff to take with me this time...

Song of the Day: Jay-Z & Linkin Park - "Dirt Off Your Shoulder/Lying From You" www.radio-active-music.com

Buttons, buttons, and more buttons

Be sure to hit me up for some at the 51 Peg concert. You should also visit our friends at www.TBMChicago.com, because they just got their button order in too! Lol.

This day has been pretty lazy. I spent most of the morning running sound for a graduation ceremony, and now I'm just sitting here, working on smaller projects. So, good times. Jeremiah called a little while ago so we could plan on what we're gonna do tomorrow. Yay!

So in the last few weeks, I've had at least three of the most unlikely people tell me in some way that they were either intimidated by me or downright scared. I don't know whether to be worried, proud, or insulted. I think I'm proud, ha. I dunno...just not really what I was expecting, especially at this point in my life. This is the happiest I've ever been. At other points in the past I would have been more understanding of those comments. I mean, I know I have a temper, but I wouldn't go so far to say an anger management problem. I've never done anything out of passion that I regret. And I've never hit anyone except in self defense. So, you guys tell me. The internet is a safe place for criticism, right?

Maybe it's just because I never sit still. I don't just accept things as they are. In the last few years I've had to deal with people who are just so damn complacent about everything. There's a difference between being at peace where you are while working towards a better future, versus the total lack of will and ambition to change and the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure before you start. I simply cannot understand that philosophy, nor can I even respect those who sit and do absolutely fucking nothing.

This comes up every few months or so, but especially at this time when a lot of my buddies come home for the summer from college or tours of duty in the military. I always have at least one bitter aquaintance who takes pot shots at me out of sheer jealousy I guess. And I remember...I remember sitting in the hallway at Holy Cross and crying my eyes out, alone. I remember thinking fiercly that one day, all of these people will see my triumphing and wishing they hadn't brushed me off. Well, welcome to my world. Grow some balls and find your own.

Song of the Day: Head - "A Cheap Name" www.headtochrist.com

Another long but productive day. Had a very cool, though breif, meeting with a sales rep with some very cool LED lighting fixtures. We're looking at first to updating the aisle lighting in the theatre, but he had some other really cool things to show us, so it was at least fun, and maybe possible buys in the future for cool theatre toys.

The remainder of the day was mainly spent wiring the new electronic classroom equipment. This gave me a lot of time to talk to the new guy, Tom, and he's killer cool. Had a lot of fun with that.

Redyed my hair tonight, just in time for the next round of concerts and such. Updated some sites, got back on track. I'm now currently looking for a place to crash for the show in Cleveland. We'll see how that works out. Some of you know what I'm talking about, lmao.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Epitaph" www.disown.cc

So Orgy is also playing in Baltimore on the 22nd of June. Allllriigght. I shot Elise an email to see if she knew, and see if the guys could get on that show. So, let's cross our fingers on that one. I wanna try to make that show too, but that's the week my boss is out of town, so it might be iffy. But I'm definately on for the Cleveland show, which is exciting to see Disown with them too. Gonna be a good summer for shows.

Edit: forgot to mention that I talked to Jeremiah earlier this week and he's definately coming to visit on Saturday. I'm so happy to see my big brother again! I've missed him. I also talked to Corrie the other day, and she sounds great - really excited about her company's upcoming project. So hopefully she's gonna come with me to the 51 Peg show next week. Good times.

Song of the Day: Disown - "Guilt Trip" www.disown.cc

So they were cleaning out the props/costumes storage area today, and get this: they found an old portable dimmer system. Colortran, runs 1 or 3 phase, with a small 2 scene preset board to go with it. That sucker is SO mine. And...Laura officially becomes a freelance lighting designer.

We had practice tonight. It was...well, it was. Lots of stuff going on that I'm not even gonna post here.

Had some good talks with some people today, and really over the last few days in general about some of the recent events in my life. I've come to the conclusion that I've ignored some pretty important lessons, which I obviously didn't learn the first time around. These last few relationships I've been in have been perpetuating a cycle that ends here. Over the past few years, I've flopped back and forth between men who do everything, and men who do nothing. There's been no middle ground. I think we all in some ways attatch ourselves to the romantic ideals that in true love money doesn't matter, time spent doesn't matter, that you'll do anything for love, etc., but I'm realizing now, that that's a load of shit. No, you shouldn't be counting every penny, and you should be patient, but there comes a point when it just gets absurd.

I'm over feeling bad about it...I've taken guys' generosity for granted in the past, and I'm sorry. I've given too much of myself to other guys in the past, and I've forgiven myself for it. From now on, it's 50/50. If I am going to learn to pay attention and appreciate the little things, then the big things need to take care of themselves.

I've had some of the best experiences of my life in the past few years. Whether it was laying out in the sun by the New River, jetskiing on a still lake in Utah, driving over the mountains in southwest Virginia, or cuddling in a small bed in Fairfax, I have some memories I'll never forgot. Whenever I do decide to get back into relationship, it will be with someone who can both pull his weight and let me pull mine; and have Jeremiah's gentlemanly preference, Steve's adventurous ambition, Lance's energetic humor, and Jacob's comforting calm. :-)

I have loved you all more than you could ever know.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Where's Gerrold?" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

HAHAHAHA, wow, I'm so buying John Cena's album tomorrow, and I hope to god it has that music video on it. \m/

Remember how I posted ealier that I had that terrible feeling last week? Well, I realized today that there are three close friends that I have not been able to get in touch with since that day. I'm rather concerned.

In other news, work was hard today, but good. Finally got that blasted amp rack taken care of. Got another huge shipment in from Lee H., so I spent the remainder of the day going through everything, making sure it was right, putting asset tags on, doing receiving reports, etc. Bleh. Not the best thing I can think of to do, but my coworkers got stuck putting in new screens in the classrooms, so I ended up with the better end of the deal. We've got a new guy at work, too. Didn't get a chance to talk to him much, as he walked in on me cussing out the back of the lobby amp (I tell you, this week has made me either appreciate or loathe various types sound connectors, heh.), but he seems cool.

And I'm still fucking sick! I think, rather, that I'm not sick but that there's something physically wrong with me. I don't feel bad, I just can't eat. Which sucks, because I love food. So I guess I'll give it a few days to see how it goes. Maybe I have an ulcer or something? Meh.

Gonna take a shower and call John and see how he's doing...

Song of the Day: Kurbrick - "Collapse" www.officialkubric.com

Last night was industrial in its purest form. I have not been to a concert that good in a long, long time.

Opening was Synthetic Nightmare, a goth/industrial band in the strictest sense from Richmond, and I knew if the opening band was this good, the next acts had to be even more amazing. Terror Couple was up next, and I have to say their music takes on sooooo much more strength live. I was really impressed with all the fast programming work that the two guys managed, along with the lead singer's stage presence. Very theatrical, yet non-traditional. Smeared make-up, voodoo dolls, and bleeding hearts. Then finally Heretics in the Lab were up and it was just unbelievable. They sounded perfect; you could literally feel the sound waves moving through you.

On top of that, there were a few other things that just made the entire night enjoyable. First of all, all the bands used some sort of computer/programming during their sets, so now I'm even more sure our band can do it too (and it just made all the music that much cooler). Secondly, the crowd was awesome. I have never been around that many cool goth/industrial peeps in my life. Lately most of the shows I've been going to have been filled with teenagers all blacked-out, but you know they just changed into it in the car because their parents wouldn't let them walk out the door like that, ha. But no, this time it was people my age and older, and really super supportive of the scene. I wasn't the only one to drive great distances to see this show. They had a mosh pit going, but it was the kind where if you feel 5 people helped you back up, or if an amp got knocked over there were 3 of us to fix it. And all of us photographers/videographers helped each other out, trading spaces and angles so we could all get good shots. I think that was probably the most inspiring part of the evening, knowing that there are at least 50 awesome people supporting goth/industrial in Virginia.

After the show I worked my deal, introducing myself to all the bands, handing out cards, etc. All the bands were super nice, I bought a few cds, and talked to some other music promoters in the area. One dude - and if I remember correctly he's the manager for HITL - runs his own managing/promo company in their area, and is trying to put together a huge indie fest this summer in the Tidewater area. So I'll be talking to him about that, to see what I can do. Also gave him a few names of bands along the east coast that they should try to play with when the go on tour, so hopefully, all you guys will be able to see them around here soon. Rock.

Listened to the new NIN album all the way up and back. I have a new favorite song. The lyrics are brilliant.

"Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Because it doesn't really matter
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
None of this really matters anymore
Yes I'm alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because you never were really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself......
And it worked.
Yes it did!
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me"

Song of the Day (I need to make a "toolazytoupload" image): Nine Inch Nails - "Only" www.nin.com

Holy shit, that was industrial.


...and sometimes it just takes one photo to make you feel like you know what you're doing again.

This week has just been dragging. I was telling one of my friends in an email that I feel more overwhelmed than usual lately. I feel like my grasp on some things have slipped, and that sucks. Trying to update RAM more often is hard; I'm trying to have 3 new features a week, especially during Artist Support Month, but so far I've only gotten one down for next week. Guess I need to work a little harder. Interviews are so hard to schedule sometimes. I'm finding the best ones are the ones I'm doing over IM, but most people prefer phone, which is difficult. It's fun, but I'm still not a super fast typer (pretty good, but not perfect), plus, I have a phone phobia. I remember when I did my first phone interview - with Bobby from Orgy - I had to have a few drinks, then go over to Corrie's apartment for moral support.

I'm slacking on other things too. I desperately need to renew RAM's PO Box, like, tomorrow, and I still haven't finished packaging the Samplers. I should have done that this week so I could have given some out tomorrow. *sigh* Need to send a lot of stuff to Sarah, too. It's just been one of those weeks I guess. Last week I felt like I had everything under control, and this week it all just went to hell. Ah well.

I'm still sick, but getting better. Had to go back to work today due to the big shipment of equipment we got. But fortunately, after that and some very annoying trials in putting the new amp rack together (I thought building the rack was hard - try moving over all the amps and eq's and effects processors, and remembering what plugs in where), B felt sorry for me and let me leave early.

So I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be fully recovered for the show. First show I've gone to in awhile by myself, but in the end I think my favorite shows have been the ones I've done solo. Like the Tool concert, and the first Orgy show. Granted I was meeting people there, but still. I might actually be running into one of my ex's at this show. Might be kinda awkward, might be good. We had a wierd run-in over this past New Years, so I guess we'll see how things go. We hadn't talked since, so who knows? I guess as long as we don't drink that much again we'll be ok.

In other news, guess who the fuck is playing in Cleveland? I'm not gonna spell it out, because I don't think it's official yet, though it's on several sites now. Yeah. Need to email Jae and see if I can get hooked up with a place to stay that night. Trying to convince Lance to come with, so we'll see how that works out. *slaps with trout* Convinced yet?

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Come On!(clip)" www.fluffystarr.com

There's a job in Orange, CA right up my alley.
My friend is looking for a roommate and lives a few minutes away.

Coincidence? I'm going to find out, eh?

Ugh, I'm even more sick today than yesterday. I had a good time last night. It was great seeing Dana, and especially hearing him play. He was always a great guitarist, but he's really learning how to sing too, which is awesome. It's a shame more people couldn't come out, but I hope he'll do it again soon.

My fear of doom is over. Whether I was just imagining it, or me just calling a few friends and asking them to be careful fixed it, it's gone now.

In other news, me and Corrie and looking at getting on Jeremiah's cruise ship and going to the Bahamas this summer. Rock! I can't think of a better vacation, or better people to spend it with. Jeremiah is coming down to visit me next weekend, and I can't wait to see him. My feet and back miss him too, hahaha! :-)

I hope I start feeling better soon. I'm supposed to go to Heretics In The Lab's cd release party in Charlottesville on Saturday, and this starts a series of shows. Seeing Deadstar Assembly in North Carolina next weekend, then 51 Peg the following weekend in Fairfax. Yay for shows! Not so much yay for gas money, heh.

Song of the Day: Nine Inch Nails - "Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

"Everyday is exactly the same..."
I don't know how I got home tonight
Some angel must've had her foot on the gas pedal
I can't remember what we said on the phone
But I'm glad you're ok
"I think I used to have a purpose"
I was scared to death that I was gonna die
I had visions of me hitting a deer on Christiansburg mountain
I laughed out loud when I got to the bottom
I thought of calling you back
"Then again, it might've been a dream"
It was all a dream
Everyday...
It's exactly
The same
I miss you more than I can tell you
But I'm too afraid to ask you to say
I thought about coming over afterwards
But I knew that I wasn't welcome
So this is what our love looks like stripped away
I'm talking to your away message and I can't help
But wonder if you're sitting there
watching and crying
and gloating in my defeat
"I think I used to have a voice"
Everyday
Is
Exactly
The same
There is no life here
This is no pain
Everyday...
Is
Exactly
The same...

I have the worst feeling of impending doom that I've felt in awhile. I'm getting ready to go to Blacksburg tonight for a party, and I can't help but feel something terrible is about to happen.

Maybe writing this here will jinx whatever is waiting for me, and that I'll just look like a crazed idiot tomorrow.

If that's what it takes, well, then I'm a crazed idiot.

I started on my blog anniversary perusal tonight, but it's getting to be so long it's gonna take more than a day. I've made it from the beginning through summer stock at Tech to the D1 chat days to Jeremiah to me quitting theatre to Utah to Steve and now finally to when me and Lance started dating. That's a lot of living. Me and Dana have been chatting all evening, so it's nice to have some company and laugh over stupid quotes from IM convos and the old chat crew. Damn, where the hell is Skunk these days?

Anyways, I picked up the new NIN album today, and whoa. The title of this album should have either been "Industrial in Springtime" or "Disco on Crack". It's crazy great. It's like industrial pop or something. Who says Industrial has to be depressing, eh? Not what I was expecting, but I really like it. Especially in weather like this when you wanna drive around with your windows down in the sun, but still feel like a good goth follower.

Practice went pretty well. I stopped by at John's for awhile, but he was still feeling pretty bad and didn't come out with us. The rest of us sat down and started working on original material. We pulled out a few of mine and Derek's songs to start on first, but there are bits and peices of stuff we all brought in that are really good. Some top choices are a remake of "Purgatory" and a new song called "Lame (or, $250 Dollars Later)". They also seemed to like "Careless", "Deadbolt", and another new one called "Bigamy of my Heart.", too. So lots of work to do, but it's going to be fun.

While I was at work I did my interview with Simon of Pixelghetto today. That was really cool and it went great. Good times.

So I'm heading to bed. Tomorrow I'll be back in Blacksburg for Dana's show. If anyone's interested, gimme a call. It's at University Terrace at 9ish. Alllllllriiiiiiiiiiiight.

Two days later and I think the anger is subsided. I still think I made the right decision though. I feel a lot less stressed out and much more focused on the things I'm doing now.

I didn't get a chance to really talk about it the other night, but practice went great on Sunday. We had a 15 minute jam session where the guys just started playing and then I came in, and it just worked. It was a good feeling. I got a lot of my frustration out and working in a positive way; first time I've screamed on some of those songs, but that's what it's gonna take I guess. Tonight is supposed to be a song writing night, but John just called and said he got hurt at work yesterday and may have a slipped disk. So we're gonna see how that goes. In the meantime, I'm gonna run by T-rex after work and get the new NIN album. I also saw on RAW last night that Cena's new album comes out next week, and you know I'm gonna be all over that too. I love rap waaaaaaaaay too much for a goth girl, lmao.

But yeah, overall I feel better and better as time goes on. Yesterday was such a nice day that I even popped a Tripleside cd in on the way home from work. I was afraid at one point that listening to "Running Awake" might have been upsetting, but I'm glad to say it's more comforting than anything else. The only one that got to me was "Walking Through Fire." Recent events made that song really trite I guess. With the "without the sour the rest wouldn't sound as sweet" and the "we'll walk through the fire and all the battles left to come"...and I wonder, where did those ideals go? When did we learn to give up so easily? We only started talking about our problems after we called it quits. I guess in that song of an ideal world, the fire and sourness was some external force we could fight together, instead of the issues that were inherent to us and drove us apart. I guess after listening to that I felt a little weak and a little ashamed of myself for just throwing in the towel without having fought like the little Klingon I thought I was.

I saw on Jacob's away message today that he's already planning on getting together a new band. That makes me really happy, even if I'm not in a position to support it more right now. I think right now my band is really saving my sanity through all of this. I never told him this, and maybe I should have, but if Jacob hadn't been in Tripleside I never would have found the guts to get my own band started. I remember going to his shows and being so damn proud of him. He unknowingly gave me the strength to do something I had always thought about, and I appreciate that more than I can say. Lots of times I felt I was the 'strong' one in the relationship, but the presence and emotion he poured out on stage always surprised me, in the best sense possible. I loved being his girlfriend at his shows more than anything, lol. I know he never believed me, but on stage he was so beautiful. Hehe. :-) Good memories, right?

Well, back to sorting screws I go...

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "30 Days" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

The first thing I thought when I hung up the phone was, "You asshole..."

The second thing was, "this is gonna be a fucking long blog entry, and it's only noon." But no, I decided against doing a novel tonight...had several very interesting twists on lyrics he had written, lyrics I had written, etc. But I guess I'll just say my peace and move on.

Some of you know that I was heading down to Blacksburg today to see Jacob. Doing the end of relationship returning of items. We were going to have lunch like civilized adults, but when I arrived, no one was home. So I called him, and he's in Christiansburg with one of his buddies. Told me to get my stuff at Kent's and leave his shit there.

I could have just mailed his stuff back without going to all the fuss. But this kinda sums up everything that had been a problem: I take the time and the gas to drive down to see him, and he fucking flakes on me. Now, to be completely fair he apologized to me when I got home, but there were larger problems at stake.

I called Mike, we went out to lunch and to a bar, so I got drunk, and was then late to band practice. Now my band buds were sympathetic, but goddammit, I'm not that kinda person. I don't do that shit. I'm mad at myself for putting myself in that situation.

I love Jacob very much. But I love myself more than to do this to me. I learned a long time ago to stop beating myself up and taking the punishment for things out of my hands. I'm not gonna throw the blame around anymore, but tonight is the end. I'm done with it. Me and Jacob will be friends eventually, but now I'm moving the fuck on.

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Do Right" www.jimmieschickenshack.net