Hehe. Last night was a lot of fun. We went to see two of their friends who have this kick-ass house here in town...they're very retro, so lots of beads, stained glass, etc. So there was much drinking (I was introduced to several new Canadian beers that I enjoyed) and there was also a lot of music. They played us their project, and it sounded really cool...like a mix of Rasputina and Ever. Then there was a jam session, which was awesome. I even attempted some drumming, and that surprisingly went fairly well for never doing that before in my life, lol.

So I think today we're gonna try to reshoot the "Tea with Fluffy" video at the local park. So that should be lots of fun. Going go try to post some pics now soon...

Song of the Day: Jacob Bock - "If" www.myspace.com/jacobbock

More good times! I met a very cool friend of theirs last night, who is the Production Manager for a HUGE band (probably shouldn't say the name, but a majorly well known rock band). So he told us all sorts of stories from the touring and music videos he's been working with them on, so that was awesome. Last night Jim found me a fairly decent beer after much struggling...who knew that beer would be so different here? I mean, ok, no Yuengling, but what about Killian's? Amber Bock? Younge's??? Nothing. Finally found something that was a little thicker than Yuengling's Black and Tan, so all is well! So that was my drink of choice last night. Jim also made me a spiked frap, which was uber nice.

Also, did you know that Absente is legal in Canada? CAN$80 though, so haven't tried it yet.

Other wierd things - everything you buy in the grocery store also has French on it. So my Diet Dr. Pepper is Diete Dr. Pepper.

Last night was again a lot of fun. They had played me a lot of the new stuff on Thursday, but last night Jim started dragging out some of the really old demos, like before the Perfect and Find Me days. I think Fluffy was a little embarrased, but I'm thinking, damn, I wish our band demos sounded like that! A lot of those songs were still really awesome, and it sounds like some of them will be on the second album. So yes, even as the first one is being made, number two is already being planned. Rock!

So in a minute we're gonna go grab some food. Then, tonight, we're going over to a friend's house that is supposedly very haunted and have a jam session (how awesome is that...I love musicians). So I'm really looking forward to that.

Pictures coming soon.

Song of the Day: Orgy - "Opticon" www.punkstatikparanoia.com

Wow, where to begin? Rotflmao.

So flying is officially not fun anymore. I woke up at 3:45 yesterday morning (my time) and got to the airport for my 5:35am flight. And then fun began. First of all, their computers weren't functioning, so it took forever to get my boarding passes. Finally, got those, and then went upstairs to get screened and get on my way. Now, before I left, I thorougly searched through my laptop bag before I left. Or at least, I thought I did. They pulled me aside, pulled out my pocket knife and told me that could not go with me. God, I was sooo embarrased. But they were cool about it, said it happened a lot, and let me go put it in my checked baggage and be on my way. So, crisis averted.

Got to Atlanta, ran my ass off from Concourse C to A, and got there just in time to get my flight. But wow, what a terrible plane! The electricity kept going out, so there was no light or a/c. Awful in a plane completely full of people, yech. Plus I had a screaming baby next to me. Worst flight ever.

Got to Salt Lake...wow it was wierd seeing Utah again. Caught my flight to Vancouver which was much nicer, and then landed in Canada.

Customs is the biggest clusterfuck ever. I guess it'll be like that anywhere, but it took me about an hour to get through. The guy I talked to was all wary of me...asking me why I was here and who I was seeing, and really didn't like the answers I gave him. I guess it is suspicious when you tell him you're meeting people you met online, and then don't have even the address of where you'll be staying! Haha, but he let me through, so all is well!

Jim and Fluffy picked me up and I got settled in at her place, and then we all went out for lunch / dinner. It was really good, but I have to say that so far, beer is a helluva lot different here. I ordered the house lager...and if that was a lager, then their ale must be water. It was still good though, so no worries. Afterwards we came home, made mixed drinks all evening (Majitos and Malibu Vanilla Cokes) and talked and listened to lots of music.

They played some of their newer recordings. Even being unmastered and without vocals...wow. Oh. My. God. The new music is so insanely good I can't even describe it. I love the demos so much and thought they were good to go, but these new ones are easily 10 times better, literally. I cannot wait for this album now. It's much more powerful and industrial sounding. No one is gonna believe how much better things have gotten.

So, today, we're going to go to a big park/beach, and probably go out for dinner. Then friends are coming over, and more drinks will be had. Sometime I'll manage to take some pictures, lol.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Cold" www.fluffystarr.com

I remember where I was when I first heard about it. I was up at Wintergreen with my parents for my dad's yearly meeting. Me and my mom had gotten on the ski shuttle to head down to the lodge from our condo, but the bus was quiet. The radio was turned up as the news reporter was confirming that all 7 crew were dead. The space shuttle Columbia had broken apart on re-entry.

Yesterday I was so happy to see Discovery launch. But today all of that was shattered. The "undiscovered country" is now so much farther away. I used to watch Star Trek obsessively, wondering if that'd be me...maybe I'd be the first one to break the warp barrier. I'd be the one to make first contact. I did science fair projects on anti-matter in middle school. I understood the quantum physics principals behind light speed travel by the time I was in high school. In college I was the lonely theatre major who got an A in Observational Astrophysics - a senior level Physics course that I took for fun. I would have gone to the Airforce Academy if I hadn't sucked at Calculus...or been too short to be a fighter pilot, and therefore too short to be an astronaut.

I thought if I didn't see the warp barrier break in my lifetime, I'd at least see the first manned trip to Mars. Now, I don't know.

Zefram Cochrane, where are you?

*yawn & stretch* Woke up early to finish taking care of my bills, ran by the bank, etc. So now I should be all set! Tonight I get to do laundry and pack and pack some more. I'll need to wake up around 3:45 tomorrow morning to get ready...blech! But the only flight leaves Roanoke tomorrow at 5:35am. Ahh, well. Fluffy and Jim are going to pick me up at noon, and I'll be ready to go back to sleep by then, lol.

Anyways...I might be online a bit, but I might not. So goodbye to all for now, I'll be more reachable again on Wednesday. If there's any emergency, I will have my cell with me.

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Give Me Back My Drugs" www.alienheadmusic.com

I'm not really sure how it happened. One minute I was carrying a 40lb power distro unit, and the next minute it was in two distinct pieces on the floor, taking a chunk of my thumb with it. Now, when I was at the hotel, I never dropped or broke everything.

(Aside from a 12ft screen...stop laughing at work Chris, your boss is behind you.)

Anyways, that was about the extent of my day. Band practice was good. Evyl started working on some vox, and he did well...he's got a kinda southern growl thing going on, which is interesting in contrast to Orgy and Cold music, lmao.

So, tomorrow I wake up early to do some last minute errands, go to work, come home to do laundry and pack, and then...waking up at 4am on Thursday to begin my trip! I plan on doing a film strip of self-portraits at various steps of the flight - one as I leave, one on each flight, etc. Yeah, fun times. I should do a travel documentary on my RAM blog, eh?

Song of the Day: Project 12:01 - "Taste" www.project1201.com

So Mike sent me some of our pirate photos, but there was no way I could compete with Mike's sexiness, eh? But here's one...maybe I'll post a few more later, but it gives a pretty good idea of my outfit, lol! Good times!



Band practice took an interesting twist, but I'm glad to say that it seems like a good plan. Evyl says that he'd like to move up to frontman, and then have them find a new drummer. So that'd be awesome for them to keep going, and keep up with what we started. So that's pretty damn cool. In the meantime, we dropped the covers (he'll start working on those) and are just focusing on the four originals to make our demo, which we all agreed would be nice to get done and have something to hold on to. In any case, things sound good, and we got through our newest song "Give Me Back My Drugs" finally...so I think we're about ready.

On a completely unrelated note, there are midgets fighting on RAW.

Nothing much else going on. Getting ready for my big trip! I leave Roanoke at the butt crack of dawn on Thursday. I'm so excited! From getting my hair cut to bubblegum martinis to hearing some of the new music...good times! There will be pictures and stories I'm sure. I will have my laptop and cell with me, so I won't be completely out of touch.

For the rest of the night I'm going to bust ass and get some updates on RAM...also been working on reskinning Otto's Daughter's myspace page. Check it out and tell me what you think, and if anything looks whack. www.myspace.com/ottosdaughter. As always, Mac and Unix gueanie pigs always appreciated.

Song of the Day: Collide - "Wings Of Steel" www.collide.net

Hahaha...I got up this morning and there was a message on my answering machine that went something like this: "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number. I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later. Buh-bye." I'm serious. Wow, I need to find a way to record that somehow.

In other news, and this will be a shocker I'm sure, but I heard the new Coheed and Cambria song, and it's actually surprisingly decent. Jacob played them sometimes on Wooooove-it, but I never really got into them. Not too into the singer's voice, but the new music is a lot harder then I remember. They also have a cool gothic chant intro, so props for that.

So I've got no recording done at all. Oh well.

Gotta head over to what I'm assuming will be our last band practice in a few hours. Ah well. More time to make more money if I don't have practice.

I have to get up early tomorrow, firstly to take care of some more bullshit with my doctor stuff...got a letter saying one of my bills was passed due when I sent them my money already AND called them about my insurance information. Fuckers. I'm also gonna call over to the hotel tomorrow and see if I can get started next month. *crosses fingers* Also, hahaha, this is gonna get you all interested I'm sure, but I had a dream the other night about one of the guys that worked there in another department, and I woke up thinking, "Wow, I really really liked him and never realized it until now." So now, there's another fun spin to me going back there, lmao. I'm so bad.

Wow, my blog post count (not including this one) is now at 1111. But over 3 years, that's not so bad, really.

Anyways, hahaha, what a great day! After seeing Laura and Dana off, I spent a little time working on some recording, but that didn't really get very far. So, hopefully, tomorrow before band practice I might at least be able to get a bit more accomplished. In any case, I headed on down to Blacksburg with my bag full of my pirate best and my make-up case full of crazy colors.

While Mike's laundry was drying, we spent a little time over at the mall, in Hot Topic and Spencers, to see if we found any last minute pirating gear. We didn't buy anything, but I was very pleased to see that HT had both Deadstar Assembly and Orgy in their music section. Rock!

So me and Mike got all dressed up afterwards back at his place...he helped me create my very first pirate costume, and so I now dub my character as Gothy the Pink Pirate. (Mike, that's so going in your book). So we got all pirated-out, did our make-up and painted our nails (and now Mike knows how to do both and can indulge in his pirateness self-sufficiently, eh?) That lead to a discussion about the de-genderizing of society, but I've already talked about that in a previous blog entry.

...two disposable cameras later, we had successfully completed our pirate photo shoot. I told Mike he should be a model, and that I was going to send the pics of him to Hot Topic. I think he thought I was kidding.

Remaining dressed up, we went back to the mall and saw Devil's Rejects. Now, horror flicks aren't especially my thing, unless it's more of an old-school thematic thing like Dracula or something. But in any case, the movie was alright. I think the biggest plus was constantly breaking the horror with some kind of lighter, almost flippant atmosphere with scenes of family, humor, and good ol' southern rock. The movie also successfully defined the villians into actual tangible characters, that you would never think you'd feel sorry for, but you do. Had a more realistic and gritty feel to it than most horror movies, so that was interesting. Overall, it was ok, and there were a few good moments of both story and cinematography, but not something I'd trouble myself to really recommend or say I'd watch it again.

As much as I wish I could have stuck around Blacksburg for a second photo shoot or to head out to the bar in my Gothy outfit, I'm tired and headed back here. So I type this, finish a beer, and head to bed...

Before I crash out, I think one of the things I like about Mike so much is that when I'm with him, I feel...real. I think part of my problem in my life situations is that I tend to be an absolutist, even though I know better (Polanah taught me about our damned Western thought, right?!) and so I keep falling into the trap of "all or nothing" when people don't really work that way. So when I'm with him, talking to him, knowing I can both trust him and also have him be completely honest with me, I tend to see things probably as close to the truth that I can get. And that's a comforting thing, because, usually, things turn out seeming like they're not so bad as I might have originally led myself to beleive. I guess when I'm with Mike I get a cool blast of reality, and that's a good thing, especially these days.

"Freedom comes when you learn to let go,
Creation comes when you learn to say no."
- Madonna, "The Power of Goodbye"

Who didn't see this one coming?

Which Family Guy character are you?

So yesterday ended up well, and I bet today will too. After work I headed over to Drew's for Dana's "SURPRISE!" birthday party. There was much food, and lots of swimming, but unfortunately Joe ended up with appendicitis of all things yesterday, so he had to miss out on most of it. So in the end, Dana and Laura came back with me and we enjoyed most of the evening by talking and playing liquid checkers. I also somehow managed to get a double-teamed back rub out of the deal, so I told them to stay with me anytime they want, haha!

So, good times! I just woke up a little while ago while they're sleeping in, so maybe I can get a little bit of recording or mastering in soon. Then...this afternoon...

Ima goin' a-pirating! Haha, Mike called me yesterday all excited, and said that this would be the weekend we would be doing our pirate photo shoot! So I'll be packing up my craziest clothes, eye-liner, and black nail polish and we'll be heading down to the river this afternoon for some good shots! Then tonight we will tempt the fighting elements and venture to the Rivermill pirate-ly attired and see if anyone thinks about messing with him with one of his "angels" with him! Ha!

Got some good news from several people over the last day, about the status' (statuses, stati?) of album recordings, etc. I even had one band who is so excited about RAM that they made their own kick-ass banner for me to put on their site.

I just have such a good feeling about this. I'm beginning to think...really think...that I could indeed become the next Metropolis or Cleopatra...

I am so ready for L.A.

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Dead Inside" www.myspace.com/concreteband

The total score from last night was Me: 6. Beer: 0. Tonight will be a repeat of much of the same. God, I love having the house to myself!

In other news, not much going on. I had a really good couple of days, and all of a sudden, I'm seriously immersed in webdesign again. I forgot to mention the other day when I found out that I was redoing Disown's site that I've also been in discussion with 51 Peg about their site and with JVB about helping with her clothing line site. So, yeah. Maybe I'm in the wrong area of artist support, lol.

But other good things are happening with RAM, too. One of my bands ended up falling apart, but they're going to go ahead and release all the music they recorded anyways for free. So I'll be helping with them with free digital downloads of four albums in the next few weeks. So look for that on the main page as well as the "shop" side.

I was reading Mike's LJ and he was thanking me and Corrie for our willingness to "throw down" as it were, and that got me thinking about myself and my friends...all of us are so protective of each other, but the crazy thing is...ok, when was the last time any of us got in a fight, for real? Because, thinking about it, the very few times I seriously thought I might have the physically protect one of my friends, I knew that it was going to be uuuuugly. You see, I have a dormant fear that if I ever do get into one of those situations, that I'll move from the defensive to the major offensive without realizing it. Like, I seriously am worried that if I ever get in a situation like that, that I might do some real damage. It takes a helluva lot to get me physical - last time I was in an actual fight was in 8th grade, so...I dunno. But that's something that's always bothered me, wondering if I'd lose control. I guess I won't find out until it happens, but fortunately, things have never gotten that far yet.

Anyways...back to work and installing these damn projectors.

Song of the Day: The Anix - "Media" www.the-anix.com

OMG, this made my day...I'm redoing Disown's site!

*dances around*

I guess one good thing about being always on the move and trying new things is that when I do hit a stagnate point, it's not for long. Over the last few days, a lot of wrinkles in my plan to L.A. have suddenly smoothed out; I had, over the last weekend, emailed a handful of band friends out in that area about my plans, with the blunt questions of "do you need a roomie, or can I crash on your couch for a few days?" I got an overwhelmingly encouraging response so far, which is awesome. Good people, and I swear, I beleive in karma and will happily let bands crash with me in the future.

So yes. Band #1 said MI was awesome, and that I could definately stay with him for a bit while I found a place. Band #2 said her little bro and his band were actually on their way moving up to L.A. to go to the same school, and that I should meet them. Band #3 said that all of them had met when they were at MI, and I could crash with them as long as I needed to. And finally, Band #4 said they're planning on getting a new lease in October, and could work me in as a fourth roomie. So...rock! Based on what Band #4 told me, I think that might be the best way to go...in that case, I'd go ahead and move in October and work for a few months and save up even more money before school. So this all may work out just fine.

In conclusion, after something I read this morning, I just wanted to say that I might have been wrong about the assumptions I made about Jacob's album, seeing as I had based my understanding of it only on one LJ entry and a very brief conversation earlier in the month. So...yeah. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Anyways...off to do some work, should be an easy day. Then tonight I'm hanging out with Chris for awhile. Tomorrow should be interesting too...since most of my family is out of town, I'm gonna be taking my grandma to dinner, which is something I've never done on my own before. So that should be kinda cool. Especially the sandwhich part - the New Yorker, yum!

And finally, some new lyrics:
"...and the door flew open as you stepped in the room
it's the way you walk, with silent elegance
it's your eyes that see right into me
it's your voice that resonates in my body
I knew I loved you the moment I met you
and my love is so severe."

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Severe" (yes, same as yesterday, sorry) www.myspace.com/concreteband

P.S. Someone find this and buy this for me:

Good evening, surprisingly. Band practice was cancelled at the last minute because Jeff is sick, so me, Derek, and Evyl went out drinking instead. So, to make a long story short (lol, Lou), here's just another entry from earlier this month:

7/13/05 I got an email from Chris today, to see if I wanted to hang out and such again. He told me the last time we hung out that he still read my blog vigiliantly, so I can only imagine he's looking around and wondering where the reading material went. So, I'm now at the lonely number of two people that have seemed to have noticed my absence. [edit: and yes he did notice, and thank you to both Lance and Chris for being awesome friends and calling.] You know, it occurs to me as I start to wrap things up here, how easily it was just to fall away. One of the reasons I've decided to go was because, after a very real and uncharacteristically comforting discussion with Rafe last week, that the longer I stay here in Virginia, the more tied down I will become by relationships, jobs, and other commitments. He spoke breifly about his ex-wife, and how it came down to that he wanted to be stable and have a family, and she wanted to fly and be an actress. He belongs in Virginia, and she belongs in California. There is no right or wrong, it's just a matter of priority. And he told me that as a theatre person he was surprised I hadn't moved on yet, but then thinking back, he said everything I've done lately has pointed to me wanting stability instead of my job. Choosing to stay in Virginia and work at the hotel because of my then budding relationship with Lance, taking yet another stable job at VW and my relationships with Jacob and Frankie, both of which had the possibility of permanence. And I'm thinking hard, finally, after all that he said, and I know...I know it's time to go. But as far as falling away goes, I guess I never really was tied down here much at all. Or maybe the events of the last few months have been enough to make me grow up and face some of my fears. For the first time in my life, I can look west and see LA and think that I'm not too afraid anymore to go. I'm not going to just nod slightly this time and think "in a few more years." I'm sure, in the end, staying in Virginia and dealing with some of the things I've had handed to me has made me a stronger person. But like I said in retrospect to my years at Holy Cross...I wish there could have been another way. I remember telling Corrie a few months ago during the car ride back from a show, that I was sure she had closer friends then me. She turned to me, kinda shocked, and I think maybe a little upset, and said I was one of her closest friends. I definately didn't mean to offend, because I have so much love and respect for her, and I know she does me, but what I meant to say was - and really this goes for just about everyone - that no one really knows me at all. Sure, people know what I like and don't like...they know about my taste in music, my sense of humor, my willingness to give, my love of beer, and maybe even my beliefs in faith and politics. But no one really, truly, has ever seen me. No one sees the thoughts that have danced through my head. No one's seen just how many tears have fallen from eyes. Some people might even know some of the secrets of these recent dark days, but know one knows the feelings of burning shame or the residual resentment that never really left. I cover it up so damn well I could have been an actress. I'm so great at just alluding to a little bit of pain that I hope you'll see, that I completely mislead everyone away from the real deal. One day soon I'm going to lay it out on the line once and for all.

I had a good convo with Jacob last night, first about metallic sqoooshes, secondly about Harry Potter, and lastly about how I wouldn't be able to buy his album. I guess that was something that was pressing on me, about not being able to listen to the two songs where he was hating on me, then the rest of the album about a girl he had apparently been in love with for much longer...so we talked a bit, and got it out there, so I feel a bit more lightened. I care about him, and I'm really proud of what he's doing, and he is, indeed, a damn good musician...but it's just a little too soon for me to face up to all of that just yet. Soon...soon my heart will be closed again and things will be ok. I do look forward to the day that I can see him the same comforting way I see Jeremiah and Lance. :-)

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Severe" (a second album is in development) www.myspace.com/concreteband

So my parents are going out of town this week, so I'm going to use that time to attempt the rest of this "solo project" thing, since that seems to be the only thing I can actually continue on with at this point.

Life is so wierd. I guess one of the reasons I wanted to jet to L.A. so fast is that I was afraid of staying and second-guessing myself, which is exactly what's happening now that I know I have to wait at least until next semester to go. I do want to go to L.A. But maybe I don't want to go to school. Maybe instead of blowing my savings on school, I should just take the plunge and start a business instead. And while I'm thinking that, I wonder, would it be easier to start it here and move it out there later? Gah. Too many options. But I guess that's better than not enough.

In the meantime, I'm going to post an excerpt of some of the writings I made while I was ignoring my blog and coming to conclusions the other week. This is the night I hung out with Mike...and later saw Frankie in one of the most awkward situations of my life.

7/7/05 After the course of events from the last few months, I felt the need to disappear. And to change. Hopefully within the month I'll be packed, have my affairs wrapped out, and on my way elsewhere. I'm not on IM anymore, nor do I post in my blog. But I still feel the need to communicate. At least to myself. In any case, last night I went down and spent the evening with Mike. It's always good to see him. He's so warm and intuitive, especially for a guy, lol. We went to Rivermill and played pool and darts, and drank, and overall had a very enjoyable time. We talked sooo much about everything that has been going on, both with him and with me, and it feels good to be able to unload. He also had a good aspect on everything that happened with Jacob, so it was nice to hear him be able to squash some of my fears and doubts. And I know he wouldn't lie to me. Afterwards I figured since I was in town and since apparently I'm an expert on reinstating relationships, I called Frankie. Now, honestly, I was drunk and emotionally numb at this point in the night, and he tells me that Becky is over there. So, after much talking, we all agree I can come over. Wow, what a fucking awkward situation. I got out of the car and they were waiting outside. Frankie introduces Becky, then points at her enlarged stomach and introduces "little Frankie". She just kinda snarls at me and says it's good to meet me. So we go inside, and the best I can think to do is talk to Jesse for a minute. I think he was probably more shocked than me to see us three together, but he took it in stride, which is why he's such a good friend. So we chatted for awhile while everyone's nerves got over the initial shock, and finally I start helping them pack (they're moving this week). And yeah, it was awkward. It was awkward trying to have an upbeat conversation, while staring at this little girl carrying the baby of my ex-boyfriend while she's sitting on the bed me and him and slept so soundly in together. It was awkward realizing in a painfully realistic moment that now she knows me...now she can put a face to the person who's future she had limited. I wonder if she even feels any remorse. The sad part is that in normal circumstances she would have been rather pretty, and probably a nice girl. But her features were twisted in emotions that I didn't even look to understand. I'm still amazed in my tiredness and drunkeness that I was able to let it all run off my shoulders and act completely normal. I think I'm coming to realize, especially lately, that I am a truly good person after all. I hate myself for a lot of the things I've done in the past few years, but wow, then when I look at all I do for people, all I've sacrificed or been willing to sacrifice...how dare any of you not love me. I mean, really. Hell, today Frankie called and said Becky was in premature labor. And I offered to come down and be with him. So, yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you all. Fuck every man that's left me, thinking there was something better. You have no idea how good you had it with me.

I guess over the next few weeks I want to kinda clear the air in the way, and let go of some of the things I've been holding on to for so long. It's just not worth it anymore.

So after a lot of discussion and number crunching, L.A. grad school is going to have to wait for another semester. My parents are still unwilling to help pay, so I'll have to be doing this myself. But that just sets me free in the end, and honestly, I'm already this damn close to being fully self-suficiant anyways. So I'll be spending the next few months really working hard and making the most out of my remaining time here. Going to get another part time job and just stash more and more away. By January I'll be ready with no problem.

I don't know what's going to happen with the band. I'm kind of annoyed, honestly. I had told Derek about my plans to move in September, and he got upset and ended up telling everyone else without my permission. Now, yes, I was going to tell everyone this week, but he made it all sound like it was definate when I had TOLD him I hadn't confirmed yet. So this week he took a new job that he knew would conflict with band practice. Maybe there was misunderstanding there, but personally I'm beginning to wonder how much of his heart is in this thing anymore. I told the guys my reasons for leaving, and there are no hard feelings, and everyone else seems willing to just go on and see how far we can get with the time left. I mean, I really would like to get this demo recorded and play a few shows. This is both me and Jeff's first time in a band, and I think me, him, and Evyl are all interested in just making it worth what we can. You know, we put so much into it since February, it would be a shame not to get something substantial out of it. But anyways, I almost wonder if Derek was using my plans to leave as a cover for his plans to take a new job, almost like the blame wouldn't be on him or something. But I mean, seriously...I care a lot about the band, but in the end...it's just something we're doing for fun. We all have to make ourselves happy and make a living, so if I have to go to grad school or he has to take a new job because of the divorce, people understand and no one is going to fault anyone else for that. But he made some comment last night that he didn't want to bring in any of his songs now that we were going to break up, and then cancelled out on our recording session next weekend. So I'm pretty much thinking this is a lost cause at this point. I'm gonna give it a few days, then call him and ask him whether he's willing to do this or not, because if he isn't, I'm not gonna drag this out when I could be using my Tuesday and Sunday nights making money in another job.

Whew, ok. Moving on. The show on Saturday was great! Got up to C-ville with no problem, and got to the venue right as Interrogation was soundchecking. Yveline gave me a big hug, and we all sat around for an hour or so before the show started and chatted. Great people, her and James. Finally after me downing four beers in rapid succession the show started, and it was great! For it being only their second show ever, it was wonderful! I took a lot of pictures but have yet to import them to my computer, so hopefully a few came out and will be up on RAM soon. The other band, This Means You, was a lot of fun too. The lead singer had bright pink hair and the coolest tatoo on the left side of her leg. So they started out, and she was singing pretty well, and then wham! She starts growling with the best metal singers out there. Haha, you go girl! Good times.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "NV" www.fluffystarr.com

Ah, the Half-Blood Prince, and only 18 hours after I bought it (which includes a good night's sleep in the middle)

SPOILER WARNING GALORE

Ok, with that out of the way: OH MY GOD JKR, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU MAKE MY DEAR SEVERUS THE BAD GUY!!! With that being said, I would like to say that I think Snape in the end actually IS on the OotP's side. And here's why: We already knew that Snape would die if he didn't help Draco do whatever Voldemort had asked. I had a sneaking suspicion that Draco was either going to kill someone like Harry or Dumbledore, but since book 7 has yet to come, it was probably going to be Dumbledore. Dumbledore knew that Snape had promised Narcissa to help Draco, so undoubtedly knew that Snape would die if he didn't. I also think, in light of what Dumbledore offered to Draco (and the fact that both Draco and Narcissa are getting cold feet) that he definately did not want Draco to become a killer. So the pleading in the tower...was not for Snape to save Dumbledore, but to do the killing that would both keep Draco clean AND successfully discharge Snape of his promise to Narcissa.

Also, look at something Snape said to Harry before he left: "Blocked again and again and again until you learn to keep your mouth shut and your mind closed, Potter!" He wasn't taunting Harry, he was giving him his last peice of advice for how to deal with Voldemort: to learn to do unspoken spells and learn Occlumency.

So, I'm still holding out hope for my favorite character, even though I still predict that this leads to his becoming the tragic hero in book 7.

Other thoughts on this book:

I'm really glad it wasn't as pre-teen emotionally stressful like the last one. A damn good read.

R.A.B. - Someone in Sirius' family I bet.

Tonks + Lupin = hot.

And, that is all...now, for a hard rocking good time in Charlottesville with Interrogation. Outback Lodge. 9pm.

Currently my parents are downstairs continuing a conversation I started, oh, 4 hours ago once I had to finally start pushing this whole moving to Cali thing. *sigh* What annoys me is how the whole "oh, you saved us so much money with your scholarships and graduating early that we'll be able to help you with grad school" has gone out the window now that I'm going to a place they don't like. I mean, come on...if you let me do theatre, let me do music. I mean, this place...the tuition is less then what I got in scholarships alone at Tech. AND I have savings that I AM planning on using. It's not like their paying the full ride. I just wanna know I can still eat by the time May rolls around.

Anyways...the bulk of my day at work was spent pulling out 30 year old BNC and XLR cables out of the abandoned TV studio. So I'm covered in dust and asbestos, so I'm gonna go shower before I wander down to the local Wallyworld to pick up a copy of HP6.

Song of the Day: Fluffy Starr - "Diffikult Grrl" www.fluffystarr.com

I had to take some time off to both clear my head and keep my focus. I knew I had to be absolutely sure before I said this.

I'm moving to L.A. in September, pending my acceptence to MI's Music Business program.

I've been through a lot over the past few years, and especially in the last few months. I finally sat down with Rafe of all people a few weeks ago and talked to him a bit about some of the things that had happened, and he looked at me and said something that I should have seen for myself. Though I shouldn't be surprised...even though we're not that close, he's known me since high school. We were talking about priorities. He said "I'm surprised you've stayed here, being a theatre person, but then again...everything you've done since you've graduated has shown that you'd rather stay here for stability than leave for your dream career." And I'm thinking...

Shit. He is so right.

It's no secret that I first made the decision to stay in this area of Virginia partly because I was intent on keeping my relationship with Lance. When that fell through, I talked myself into staying at the hotel, 'paying my dues' in a sense to give myself some savings and security. I then got into another...stable...relationship with Jacob and a better...stable...job here in town. Then Jacob left, and I met Frankie, and if it hadn't been for external circumstances, I could well be on my way to having a...stable...family, right here in Virginia now.

I've talked to so many people about this, and everyone is so supportive of me to follow this through and go. I thought for awhile that staying here and saving up and getting older would better prepare me, but I'm at the point now where I realize that the longer I stay here the more ensnared I'll become by jobs, relationships, and other priorities.

For the first time in my life, after the hell I've been through these last few months, I feel like I've gained the age and the responsibility, and I can look west and no longer fear that I'm not ready. I know, very soon, on a warm morning in September, I'm going to pack up the few things I think are worth taking with me, and I'm going to drive, drive away from here...

I'll do my best to see every one of you before I go, because I don't think it's likely I'll be back. There's a bit of unfinished business that I want to take care of in person, and things I need to get off my chest before I go. I'm planning on getting together both in Blacksburg and in Roanoke either the end of August or beginning of September to see everyone in town. So plan for drinks sometime around then.

More stories and explanations later...I guess a week offline and I've forgotten how to blog, heh.

EDIT: Yes, I did forget to blog because I forgot the other important thing: I'M GOING TO VANCOUVER TO VISIT FLUFFY STARR! So if you're looking for me from July 28th - August 2nd, I'll be in Canada living like a rockstar. ;-)

Song of the Day: Alanis Morissette - "Unprodigal Daughter" www.alanis.com

"I have the kind of friends that give me
the keys to their house
the'll never want me to leave them though
but when I do they'll let me go
and remember me for being so
lost without the vertigo
and my life is so much more beautiful
with their love, I'm sure
I've been adored."

Song of the Day: News Travels Fast - "As Beautiful As You Are" http://www.myspace.com/newstravelsfast

Where are you? Why have you disappeared? You promised. You promised you'd keep trying. But you've already fallen silent.

Lyrics to a new Concrete song, inspired by recent lack of emotion. Think a mix of Joy Division's "Dead Souls" and NIN's "Beside You In Time"

"When is it my turn?
When will it all fall into place?

And I get up to fall down
Get up to fall down...
(I keep falling down)

I KEEP FALLING DOWN
Time and time again
Trapped in a cycle
That I did not begin
I KEEP FALLING DOWN
Time and time again
Trapped in a cycle
That I did not begin
I KEEP FALLING DOWN
Down, down, down, down...

It's easier to expect
(defeat)
It's easier to reject
(peace)
It's easier to see my ex
(in you)
It's easier not to accept
(the truth)

And I don't feel anything anymore
And I'm just fine
I don't feel anything
I'm just fine being numb
I don't feel anything anymore
I'll be just fine

I KEEP FALLING DOWN
Time and again
Trapped in a cycle
That I did not begin
I KEEP FALLING DOWN
Time and again
Trapped in a cycle
That I did not begin

I keep falling down
I get up to fall down
I keep falling down
Get up to fall back down"
- Concrete, "Neptune"

Been a wierd day. First of all, a few nights ago we woke up with a dead skunk in our yard. During the night I had heard the neighbor's dogs barking, and the animal was found right on the property line. Well, today I got into my car and am thinking, damn, this smells...so yeah, I think my beloved car had been sprayed by that skunk. *sigh*

Work was wierd too. We had been having some problems with some of our equipment being moved around, then today when we went to go install another podium, we found the classroom we were trying to get into had had it's lock drilled. They had been unsuccessful, though, but now no one can get in, heh. So very suspicious things are happening.

Had another first today in the line of the music industry. Lately I've had a few bands submit music that I've had to turn down...not because they're bad, but because they're the wrong genre. Ok, the site says glam/goth/industrial/synth, and I know a lot of genres are up to interpretation...

Well, I got one techno dude - who calls his music "dark electronica" - submit, and, like I said, it's good stuff, maybe even more varying that your typical techno, but...it's still techno. So I politely comment on his work (I always give personalized feedback because I'm a good CEO like that) but tell him the standard "I don't think either your music or my targeted audience would benefit from a submission to the site". I got a kind of snide remark back about other larger bands that could be considered "dark electronica" that also had heavier tunes, and that I hadn't heard enough of his music to make that decision. I'm like, wtf, you sent me a link to your myspace site, and I listened to all four songs there. If you had other music you wanted me to hear, you shoulda, I dunno, sent it to me?? Just an idea. Oh, and arguing with the one who has final say over submissions is a reaaaaaaaaally good idea, let me tell ya. Haha, wow, some people...

But that lead me to the idea that I think I should put up a submission FAQ's for artists on the site, not only for me but for other uses...figured it might be good for people to get some advice on how to present themselves a bit better, especially since I've been getting promo packs for other means as well. So yeah, gonna do that tonight.

I also noticed something today elsewhere that kinda irritated me. Can't go into details, but it kind of made me (and I'm sure some other people too) feel like the work we've done has gone unnoticed. Ah well. That's why I run my own life and business, eh?

Anyways, not gonna stay up too much longer. Gotta wake up early and go to the bank and get some perscriptions refilled. *sigh* Money...

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Neptune" www.myspace.com/concreteband

Wow, I stayed up way too late.

I ended up asking Jacob for his input on the new RAM site, since I needed a mac user to test, so we ended up chatting most of the evening, which was great. Good conversation, no bad feelings...so I think we're on our way to being friends again. Not pushing though, just taking it easy. But it was really nice to just talk again...I miss doing that. In a way, though, it was kinda sad in a way how easily it came. Kinda reminded me a bit of how much we had left behind us, but I guess most of that feeling is just residual from me already being an emotional basketcase right now. So, in that light, considering my state and the fact we didn't fight at all, I'm pretty damn proud, hah! But seriously, it's a good start.

We also had the impending discussion of "Yeah, I wrote an angry song about you, can I use it" for both of our upcoming projects. I think we got it established that we both respect each other's feelings, and also look at the songs as bits of our past experiences, and not how we feel now. So who are we to hinder good music, eh? Alienhead is using that angry song I wrote about Lance, but it's not really about him anymore, you know? So, it's ok. It might be wierd for us at first, but we'll get through it. We learn from these things, right?

Also been talking to Jesse for awhile. First time since hell broke loose on that front. So it's good to hear from him, and kinda hear his perspective on things. *sigh* I just wish things hadn't had to end this way. It's so frustrating to know that things could have been better. But no one was interested in trying but me. Story of my life, eh?

I want to be at peace, and be loved.

Quote of the night:
[02:52] IamIndieJake: midi has a place and that place is cell ringers

So I'm about to head on to bed...continuing to get more accomplished. I spent part of the evening helping Colleen post her first news articles on D1. It's such a bassackwards system, so that's always fun, lmao. I hear Simon is redoing the site - I hope he uses something other than this postnuke crap, lmao.

I've been promoting RAM this evening too, to see if I can get some more business in. Got a few more bands interested, and a few guest hits, but not much else. We'll see how it goes. I linked up the new merch tonight too, so if you have a few bucks to spare, either donate or buy a shirt, lmao.

I really like what I've done with the site. Should degrade better on different resolutions, and is varying from my usual iframic design (I just made a new word). I'm happy that I was able to also skin the forum, myspace account, and livejournal community to match. I think overall everything looks more professional.

So, ok, here's something. Everyone reading this. Go to the site now. http://www.radio-active-music.com and click on the forum link. Sign in or register, and make one post. About anything. About how much you love me. About your favorite beer. About the last movie you saw. About how you read in a friend's blog that you should post. You know I'd do the same for you!

Oh, and apparently Batista is on Smackdown now? Gah.

Today's been a pretty productive day. I decided against going to Lynchburg today - I'm just not quite ready for this. Instead, I ended up revamping RAM - kinda been in the back of mind, but I wanted something a little more accessible and pleasing. So let me know what you guys think, and of course if something's not working for you.

I think this will be my last design for RAM hopefully, and can keep on working on new projects. I felt it needed a facelift while I finish getting the LLC set up. Got bigger things on the way, too. New interviews and stuff are being done, so that's awesome.

Feeling better today. Still kind of a rough situation, but it'll be ok.

Song of the Day: Lunarclick - "Hey You" www.lunarclick.com

First cooking success of my life:

I just made the best snack ever. Plain bagel with hummus in the middle, then a slice of Muenster cheese on top. Stick it all in the microwave for 35 seconds. Enjoy.

Ok, goodnight.

Today ended up being fairly decent. It's my grandma's birthday, so we all went over to my aunts house for lunch and swimming. My aunt has the best dog ever - a miniture poodle. She's getting up in years, but other from the gray hair you'd never know it. This dog is crazy about people. She gets so excited whenever anyone comes over; she dances around on her hind legs when people walk in, and as soon as someone sits down, SHOOOM! She leaps into his or her lap for petting and kisses, lol. What a great dog.

This is usually my favorite family gathering every year, because of the pool, good weather, and the dog, lol. But this year especially things were different. I've always been the black sheep of the family in a way, but this year I talked to everyone a lot more. I ended up telling stories from Utah, college, and such, and it was ok. I know at least one reader in particular will be proud of me for making progress with my family, lol. ;-)

Last night was pretty good too. Me and Derek went to Macados for awhile and talked about our respective shit, so it was good company. I keep forgetting, though, that Macados' beer listing consists of Bud, Bud Light, and Guinness. Kind of a lousy bar, but they've got great food. I got the best desert EVER (because, like the stereotypical girl, I eat ice cream when I get dumped) - it was a blondie brownie similiar to what they've had at Applebee's for years, but with Heathbar Crunch ice cream and caramel sauce. Soooo good. I want another.

To quote Jimi Haha, "I'm alright so far." It's just been a wierd fucking year so far. I'm still planning on heading to Lynchburg tomorrow, but now for different reasons than to just cry on Johnnie's shoulder. It's time to change. I'm fairly peaceful, but at the same time I won't deny that the last few months have brought me down a bit. I think back over the last few relationships I've had - I even know where each of these men are right now, and can imagine what they're doing - and I wonder...when is it my turn? When is something going to work out right for me? *sigh* I'll be ok in a couple of days, but I guess now is the time to feel it and let myself greive and move on.

Frankie has called several times today, but I obviously didn't have my phone on me while I was in the pool. I don't know why, because there's nothing left to say. I don't want to drag this out. We'll be friends, sure, just, damn, give me a few weeks to reassociate myself with you. When I come back to Blacksburg next I want to make sure I see you only as a friend, and not as my ex.

Anyhow, gonna take it easy tonight and get a good night's sleep before tomorrow. Now, all my friends: IM me and tell me I'm wonderful and that you love me, please? :-) Hehe...

Song of the Day: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - "Pure" www.jimmieschickenshack.net

"If I saw myself today
With a different set of eyes
If I sold myself to you
Would it be wise?
When you've paved out all the lies
Finalize the words that you say

Like I'm not breathing
Whole
If I'm falling
In

I'm just stumbling through my life
By myself

And I sometimes realize
That we have nothing left to save
Still I've never felt this high
And though fortune lights your way
It will never be pure

Promises
Promises
Promises
You and your promises"

- Jimmie's Chicken Shack, "Pure"

Gah. I mean, yeah, once I got that phone call yesterday afternoon I knew this was the beginning of the end, so at least I'll give him credit for not dragging this out. There was no way in hell he could have talked her into accepting this, not when she's been the kind of bitch that looks for every little snag for another excuse to deny him custody. This would have been a never-ending point of consternation.

Honestly, I'm not mad at him. In some ways I'm even relieved. I know he's gotta do what he needs to do to take care of his shit. I also know that I'm never gonna see him again, and I hope he realizes that too.

But God help me if I ever meet her...

I mean, OH MY GOD, what the hell kind of mother are you to USE your own damn kid as a puppet in order to ruin and control someone else's life? You make me SICK. I don't think I know anyone in this life more pathetic, and I don't even know you.

And that's really what gets me...is some third person I've never met has out of jealousy made a decision that limited my future. What the fuck is this.

Anyways, enough of my rants, I'm going out drinking with Derek.

EDIT: and, oh, the irony, this is me and Jacob's one year anniversary.

Song of the Day: Alienhead - "Responsible" www.alienheadmusic.com

I guess I figured out within the last year or so that whenever I'm having some sort of crisis, the best thing I can do that night is be with a friend. Hasn't failed me yet, lol. I headed over to Joe's after work, and we sat around and significantly lowered his handle of Beam, while watching some good movies - Napolean Dynamite, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. Then Giarla called and said some friends were in town and that he was gonna take us all out to some secret place. So we hop in, off we go, and bam...here were are at one of Roanoke's finest gentlemen's clubs, lmao! So a few minutes later we were all freshly made card-carrying members, and we chilled out there for the rest of the evening.

Now, I have to say, that this being my first trip to a strip joint (seriously, never been before now) that I was mildly impressed. The chicks there were actually pretty hot and talented, and the atmosphere was pretty laid back. So it was cool, even though a bit wierd to be the only non-dancing female, aside from the noticably large and lesbian lady sitting down the row from me, lol.

It was cool to hang out with some old school buddies. Frankie called, and I told him where I was and asked him if he minded if I got a job there. He said no, as long as I didn't start dating any of the other dancers, lol! Good times.

So yeah. Feeling a bit less overcome. I wasn't really as dramatically upset as my previous entries may have seemed to be. Just very thoughtful right now, about some things that keep rolling through my mind time and time again. I don't know if I've made good decisions in the last few years.

At least in these bad times I can enjoy my evening and get a good night's sleep, eh?

You know, for some reason I thought about Johnnie the other day for the first time in awhile, and lately I wondered what he would think if he knew what I have done.

Now I know I have to find out.

I have Monday off, so I'm going to Lynchburg. I think it's time to start over and forsake the life I should have abandoned 5 years ago.

There are some times when your phone rings and you just know.

So Frankie called, and the basic story is that his baby's mom found out about me. Now, I knew this was eventually going to come up, but I guess I just didn't think about it all the way through. She's upset because she doesn't want her kid growing up with a father who's dating other girls all the time. And honestly, I can totally understand that. I mean, it's not like me and him were planning on breaking up anytime soon, but realistically, somewhere along the line something will happen and me and him will part ways. So no matter what our good intentions may be, she has a valid point.

I guess I just thought that as me - the only person in this situation without the binds of responsibility for actions I didn't make - that I would have some sort of choice where no one else did. Most girls my age would have fled at the first mention of this situation. Not only did I stay, but I was willing to open up my life and my heart to a child that was not mine.

I thought the logical reaction would have been gratitude.

I guess it's good that this happened sooner than later. I really was getting attached to Frankie, and I think me and him would have had a lot of good times together.

I keep hearing in my head what Mike said to me a few months ago, about loving someone enough to let them go. And I realized, very much surprised, that I'm doing this not for myself or for Frankie, but for his son. I guess Skunk was right. I would have made a good mother after all.

I'm gonna go cry while I build a podium now. Anyone wanna go get a beer tonight?

I love my work schedule, but I realize that in order to do any kind of errands that I have to get up early anyways, because everything is closed by the time I get off work. I desperately need to go to the bank, then I've got to get my car inspected this month - new heat shield, windshield replaced, etc. I've also got to get back to the pharmacy and get my meds refilled. Good news is that my skin is now almost completely clear, even on my stomach. So I'm going to lay out tomorrow and that's gonna be awesome.

The one thing that's starting to bring me down is that all my bills are starting to roll in from the doctor. And that just makes me bitter all over again. *sigh*

I was reading a friend's blog this morning. Someone I haven't talked to in a long time and am not really close to anymore, and I'm sure he doesn't know I still peek in every once in awhile. He was talking about some project he's working on, and how he was upset that his friends didn't seem to be very supportive about it. It was sad, and I know how he feels. But I've realized, and I wish he could too, that how your friends respond to any kind of work you do isn't really indicative of the quality. For instance, I run RAM. No one in my "real life" friends circles could care at all about the music I listen to. Sure, I've gotten some of my friends to like certain bands, but in general, no one's into that scene. And that's totally cool. And while some of my friends have - for me - registered for the forum, bought a shirt, etc., they don't really have anything to do with my business. I know they still support me, I know they still respect the work I do, but they don't have to like it in order to be a good friend. I don't in any way expect everyone to be all RAM'ed out, nor do I feel rejected because no one is, lol.

So I guess what I wish I could say is, don't judge yourself or your friends badly just because you're working on a project and going it alone. Do what you do for your own happiness and self-fulfillment. I enjoy finding good music, listening to new songs, talking to artists, and reviewing albums. And that, in the end, is what matters. Like theatre, do what you do because YOU have to do it - not for recognition, or money, or to somehow prove your worth.

Song of the Day: Concrete - "Mercury" www.myspace.com/concreteband

Derek called while I was at work and said all the houses we had been looking at were already taken within the last 3 days, lol. Ah, well. That's life I suppose. But we have plenty of time.

But in a way, it was good, because that gave me a night off finally. So I basically chilled out tonight - I worked on "Venus" a lot, and then started "Mercury" tonight. "Venus" was pretty straightforward to do - pretty standard recording process - drums, keys, programming, vocals, and remastering and final effects. But "Mercury" is different. I've been really inspired by one song Otto's Daughter did a few years ago in particular, and on this song, I've started with a single chord and have been editing that into this kind of futuristic beat. Then I've been trying to add in some other simple effects to enhance the "drumline" of sorts, so that's been a lot of fun. In doing that, I found a crazy way to create these almost videogame sounds, similiar to what The Birthday Massacre uses, or what Beck did on that EP before his last album came out. Yeah. I'm obscure.

I've also been chilling on the new Lunarclick forum, since I kinda felt bad for Eric for getting some flak from people about his design. And because Lunarclick is awesoem like that. I also finished up a prototype design that I'm submitting to a band to see if they'd like me to redo their site. They need it, and their awesome. I bet anyone could guess who it is - one of my favorite bands right now, so I really hope they like it.