"most famous for: managing to shag Snape" Heh, heh...ALLLLLRIIIIIIIGHT!! That was a fun quiz I found on Kai's LJ.
So today is going better. I'm working the late late shift at work, so I didn't have to be here until 2, though it means I'm here to 11. I can handle that, actually. I'm much more awake, and so far nothing has come up; just been tearing down rooms from today and setting up for tomorrow. I'm actually pretty much done...I just have to wait for one big event in one of the ballrooms to finish up in about two hours and strike that.
Hence the reason I'm blogging.
I had some very wierd dreams again last night. It must be the stress. One dream was fairly long...there was a business man that had a heart attack, and I kept having to perform CPR on him...his heart just kept stopping a few seconds after I had gotten it going again...it just went on and on, and I couldn't stop even though my wrists were getting tired and I was sure I had broken his rib cage in several places. Finally I got his heart going enough to breathe and as soon as I bent down, he was fine. It was like some spiritual transfer or something. It was weird. I'm such a freak.
Also had a dream where I was driving across a huge plane, following a few other cars. It was like a field that had just been plowed...it was extremely flat and hot and dry, reminding me of Utah, but the soil was definately the Virginia red clay. It was really windy, and there was all of this white powder everywhere. Somehow I knew it was calcium deposits, but I don't know why. I remember breathing it was hard...it smelled kind of sweet.
I really need to get one of those dream deciphering books, lol. No more tornados though.
So yeah...not really sure if saying that I feel better is accurate...more like I don't feel anything at all. I'm emotionally fried. I guess in a way, that's probably better for now. I have a tendency to have my heart just shut down if I keep getting bombarded with pain. I kinda hate that, because that means I pretty much shun everyone, even my friends that I have no issues with, but I guess that's just the way I learn to deal with things. Hell, I remember the first time it happened...
So I had been dragged up to the principal's office so he could tell me how I would have gone to hell if I had succeeded. Nice thing to tell a kid when she's wanting to die. I guess he thought it would scare me into living? He was actually a really nice guy...he went on about how he was going to help me figure stuff out and get my problems taken care of. He really meant it, too; he really wanted to help me. But he had been telling me these things for so long, and I suddenly realized that he had just as little - maybe even less - control over the situation as I did. All of a sudden it was all on me. My mom took me home for my suspension, and I came back to school a week later knowing exactly where the boundaries were...if he couldn't stop other people from doing what they did to me...then he couldn't stop me from doing the same. So that's what I did. I became selfish. I closed down my feelings for the teacher I felt sorry for, and repulsed the students that liked watching me suffer. And I turned around and went after them...it was fun. It was way too much fun.
And so it continued. But one day it had to stop...
So we were in the middle of moving, my dad was having surgery, and I had been dumb enough to say I could still work one more week. I got to the theatre and there's Kevin with the dorky kid from yesterday waiting for me. "Hey, Laura, can you and Johnnie go find me one more 10" gel frame?" *sigh* I was in a really bad mood...Richard had just told me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore because what I had told him about his girlfriend Kate...and I had a really really bad headache. And now...I have to go crawling around the school looking for a freaking gel frame with dyslexia joke boy tagging along. We went everywhere...we picked through all of the shit piled on the mothership where they were supposed to be...then climbed all the way up to the cove to see if any had been left up there. Then all the way back down to the studio in the basement only to find the internal door was locked, so all the way back up to the main stage, outside and around to the studio door. All with my second shadow. So we're in the Studio looking through the storage areas...trying not to be sick from the old paint buckets filled with water in which fly larvae were hatching...no luck. I am so mad...the whole time Johnnie is trying to make casual conversation, but I was done with that the day before, so I completely ignored him...or snapped whenever he made any suggestions. Finally, as I was about to leave, my insticts kicked in. I'm a lighting technician, right? I looked up, and low and behold there are some Scoop hanging...and they have 10" frames, right? So I went back into the booth ("Hey, 'gullible' is written on the ceiling." It really was, actually...we theatre people are fuckers, lmao) and climbed up on the desk and reached up for the lighting trussing. Stu would get up there all the time and just swing over to grab frames or instruments...but I was about an inch too short. I was so frustrated I just let loose my angry tirade, all while Jesus boy stood by in the background, horrified more than likely. After I got that out of my system, I was rather surprised to see him still there. Even more surprised to see him look complacent. He said something along the lines of "I know your anger is not meant for me." and I looked into his eyes...his clear brown eyes...and realized what I had done. I had learned to hurt people before they had a chance to hurt me. Why did I do this to this guy? He was just a nervous dorky kid trying to help out his mentors. I felt miserable, and I wanted to tell him I was sorry. But I couldn't. My pride had gotten the best of me. We walked back up to the mainstage in silence, but this time he walked by my side, instead of shadowing behind.
It's so wierd to think back of things that happened in eight or tenth grade...it seems so far away, and at the same time I can remember those two days so clearly. I feel like I've learned so much since then, but sometimes I've got to take a seat and really see where I am.
I don't think I have the aggressive pain mentality anymore. I think meeting Johnnie (for those of you who don't know the whole story, he turned out to be one of the most amazing men I've ever met) really helped me get past that. But I still shut down...I still cut people off. When will I learn to love selflessly? When will my love be it's own validation? When will I love myself so much that no one else will be able to destroy it?
Wow, this is a long post...but it's nice to get things in writing sometimes. Sometimes this blog isn't a representation of my life, but how I want my life to be. Sometimes in order to feel some way I have to write it first. I have these lessons I will never forget. All this pain was not unnecessary.
